Twas Five Weeks: Chapter 7

(and this time, I mean it!)

I am SO sorry for the story hiatus. I honestly didn't expect it to be that long, but a week turned into 3 months, and it increased from there. I just got tired of writing it, but I promise I'll make it good. In case you've forgotten where we left off, basically, we find out that Luka's head is actually quite bald, and he currently has no wig. Keep in mind, the outcome of this can only be silly. You've been warned.

I do not own E.R., nor do I own Wally's Wigs or Chez Fredrique (Well, I do, I just don't own the actual buildings. If there are actual buildings with these names, keep in mind that I am in no way in possession of these buildings. I use their names only and for fictional purposes. So yeah. Don't sue me.)

PLEASE READ THIS: At this point, Luka and Sam ARE NOT dating yet.

"Robert, what the hell was that?" Elizabeth cried.

"That was many things," Robert replied, wiping sweat from his brow. "For one thing, that was hilarious. Also, it was revenge."

"REVENGE?" Elizabeth moaned. "You've got to be kidding me!"

"What can I say? I'm an ass, and as an ass, I have certain character traits I must live up to. Even in the past life!" Robert grinned like a maniac (which Elizabeth, at the moment, was quite sure he was.) "Oh, and did I mention blackmail?"

"BLACKMAIL! You stole Lukas sex appeal! He will KILL HIMSELF!"

"Really? I always thought Lukas sex appeal was his eyes, flat stomach, and meltingly delicious accent…" Robert said, spacing out a bit. Elizabeth tried to hide a smile, forgetting her anger and really hoping he was joking.

"Robert, you're scaring me. Ever since you died you've been a little more…giddy."

"Maybe death brings out something good in people that no one ever gets to see. For obvious reasons."

"Back to the wig, though," Elizabeth said, shaking off her smile. "How are you going to blackmail Luka?"

"Easy," Robert replied with a grin. He pulled out a pad and pen. He spoke aloud as he wrote.

Dear Luka:

If you tell ANYONE about me being alive, your wig gets it. Then I will buy the next shipment, and the next, and the next, etc. We will destroy those. Also, we have very suggesting pictures of you and Carter.

"We do?" Elizabeth asked.

"Remember at Carter's birthday a few years back? Luka got drunk and started slapping everybody's ass?"

"How did I ever forget?" Elizabeth moaned, her cheeks red.

However, keep my secret and only good things will come your way. We will, in turn, keep your secret. And you get your wig back. And also, we will buy you a wig every time one of yours wears out.

"How do you wear out a wig?" Elizabeth asked.

"I don't know. Ask my mother."

Also, we will get you a date with a model.

"Who are you thinking?" Elizabeth asked, eyes wide. Robert sighed and scratched it out, never taking his eyes off her.

Sincerely yours,

R.R.

He pressed the pen to his lip.

Dr. R. R.

"It's a title I've missed." He admitted.

Elizabeth and Robert left the letter at Lukas door and hid behind the corner. He opened the door, a yellow hat on his head. He read the letter, his eyes lighting up greedily.

"I accept. Please give me my hair." He said, knowing they were there.

"Promise not to tell?"

"Yes."

Robert handed him the bag. He pulled out Hunkalicious-Black and adjusted it on his head.

"So," Luka said, feeling it was firm and secure. "When's my date with the model?" Roberts jaw dropped.

"Oh, uh, no… I scratched that out, um, it was just a joke. And I don't know about you, but I'm laughing!" he said, chuckling nervously. Luka glared at him.

"No such thing is scratched out. See?" Luka showed the note to Robert.

We will destroy those. Also, we have very suggesting pictures of you and Carter.

The sentence after was scratched out.

"Robert!" Elizabeth cried, smacking the back of his head. Robert stared at the paper, a grimace on his face.

"Maybe we can substitute a…you know, regular person." Robert suggested.

"Like who?" Luka asked, clearly interested.

"Like me." Elizabeth cut in. Robert stared at her, horrified. Luka looked her up and down.

"I think that can be arranged." He said, grinning.

"Lizzie, you don't have to do this!" Robert pleaded. "Kovac!" He cried out desperately. "We can get you anyone else. Come on! Chen, Haleh, Sam?"

"No, no, and are you kidding me?" Luka cried.

"We can get you Susan, Neela…Carter?"

"WHY DO YOU INSIST I LOVE HIM?" Luka roared. He let out a string of cusses in his native language.

"Elizabeth, please!" Robert cried, placing his hands on her shoulders.

"Robert, it's okay," Elizabeth said. "Hey, you've gotten me out of some rough spots too. Let me pay you back."

"No! No helping! All I do is mooch! I'm a moocher!" he cried.

"Dr Romano," Luka said, smirking. "Is there some unspoken reason why you don't want me to take Elizabeth out?"

Robert stared at Elizabeth, who looked confused. His pride got the better of him. He couldn't tell her, not here, not now. Not like this.

"No," Robert said, looking Luka straight in the eye. "No reason."

"Then back off."

Elizabeth was gone. He'd watched her go, a coffee mug in his hand, begging himself not to throw it into Lukas smug, yet heart meltingly handsome face. His mothers obnoxious singing filled the house as she admired her new hair.

"I feel pretty! Oh so pretty! I feel pretty, and witty and gaaaay!" she sang happily, then realized her son's presence. "I feel pretty, and witty, and alternatively life styled! Good catch, Roberta!" she told herself as she winked into the mirror. Robert felt his blood boiling. He had already been forced to watch Elizabeth go out withy another man-a man with a good wig, at that- and she had to be so damn…happy! He tried to cool himself off by walking out on the patio, but there was no escape-Roberta. Was. EVERYWHERE. How she'd almost got the role of Christine in the senior production of The Phantom of the Opera was beyond him. Thank God she'd lost it to the eighty year old deaf woman. He was losing his grip. He couldn't take it anymore! He ran inside.

"MY GOD, MOTHER, DO YOU HAVE TO SIT UP HERE, ALL PRETTY WITTY AND DRAG QUEEN AND SING LIKE A NEAR DEAD CAT WITH A SPEECH IMPEDIMENT AND A REALLY BAD VOICE THAT IS BEING RUN OVER BY A CAR A MILLION TIMES BUT WILL NEVER. STOP. SCREECHING? YOU'RE A 60 YEAR OLD BALD LADY WITH NO HUSBAND, NO FASHION SENSE, AND NO ACTING ABILITIES! AND DON"T GET ME STARTED ON YOUR SENSE OF DIRECTION! THERE IS NO MIKE STREET! DO YOU KNOW THAT I ALMOST ENEDED UP IN CANADA LOOKING FOR WALLYS WIGS?"

Roberta stared at him in disbelief. She stared down at her pink tweed jacket and pink floral skirt and adjusted her purple cat eye sunglasses.

"Never, in all my life, have I heard so many of my obvious flaws displayed in such a rude format. Robby Romano, you are grounded!" she shouted, her bottom lip quivering.

"Mom, I'm 45, not 10! You can't ground me! I wish you'd stop treating me as a child!"

"I can't help it when that's the way you're acting! You just had a full fledged temper tantrum! Now go to your room, young man!"

Robert didn't budge. Roberta stared him, most annoyed.

"What's the matter with you? You're not usually so disobedient!"
"Tonight's just not a good night."

"Does this have anything to do with your girlfriend and Luka Kovac?"

"She's not my-wait…" Robert thought for a moment. "How do you know his name?"

"Why, he's part of Wally's Wigs Support Group for Bald People! We meet once a week for a discussion and refreshments." Roberta said, proudly patting her wig.

"I see…" Robert said, a little disturbed.

"You know, Bobby, even though Elizabeth is dating nice Luka doesn't mean you have a right to take it out on your mother."

"They're not dating. It's merely a friendly get together." Robert replied, more to himself than to her.

Meanwhile, at Chez Fredrique, Things were not going as Luka had planned.

"OOOOH NOOOO!"

"Does he ever stop?" Luka yelled over the noise.

"Not that I've seen!" Elizabeth shouted back, her hands over her ears. Juan hit a particularly sour note (well…more sour than usual, anyway) as Billie pranced out of the kitchen holding their dinners. They finished in silence, the only sound to be heard was Juan's horrible rendition of 'Camp Granada', mixed with multiple 'OHHHH NOOO's.

"Bobby, just eat a cookie! It will make you feel better!"

"I don't want a cookie, mother."

"Do you want me to tuck you into bed, pumpkin?"

"It's 10:15!"

"Do you mind if I watch Lost?"

"I want to watch America's Next Top Model!"

Roberta stroked her son's bald head as he sat on the couch, watching Tyra Banks.

"Come on, dear, eat a cookie!"

"I DON'T WANT A COOKIE!"

Finally, the familiar sound of the door unlocking was heard. Robert jumped and switched the TV over to a much more manly show. He quickly ushered a protesting Roberta upstairs. Elizabeth walked into the room.

"Antique Hunter? Really?" she asked. Robert went red and shut off the TV immediately.

"Where's Ella?"

"Asleep, has been for awhile…how was your date?" Robert couldn't hide a sneer.

"It really made me appreciate silence!" Elizabeth moaned. Robert rose an eyebrow. "Two words: Chez Fredrique."

"You poor, poor woman!"

Robert looked around, not quite sure what to say. He picked up his mother's apple cookies (made with 100 percent fake peanut butter-don't ask) and offered her one. Elizabeth spit it out, gagging.

"ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?" she cried, scratching at her tongue.

Note to self: Robert thought. NEVER give the girl you like one of your mothers cookies.

Elizabeth poured herself a glass a water and swished it, a look of pure disgust on her face.

"So, will you be seeing him again?" Robert asked.

"I don't know…" Elizabeth sighed. "I mean, I've always sort of liked Luka."

"Of course you do." Robert muttered.

"What was that?" Elizabeth asked.

"Nothing."

"Ohh…" Elizabeth said. "I get it. You're jealous, aren't you?"

"What?" Robert cried. "I most certainly am not jealous."

"Okay, fine," Elizabeth sighed. "Then answer me this: why did you really kiss me?" She cornered Robert into a counter.

"You're being ridiculous," Robert replied, trying to get away. "Don't give yourself that much credit."

"I really want to know!" Elizabeth cried, looking down into his eyes. "Tell me."

Robert sighed.

"I love you."