A/N: Well, I don't know what happened to Bilbo in the beginning of this chapter, but he got over it. Oh well, poor Gollum!

Thanks again to my loyal follower, The Lady of the Light.! And trust me, Mirkwood is coming. I don't remember what I did to the poor spiders, but I know the Wood elves got theirs!

This story was never meant to be told this way, and Tolkien is up in Heaven counting the days when he can get even with me for this atrocity I did him!

Chapter 5: Riddles in the Dark

When Bilbo opened his eyes, he couldn't see anything. He thought, "Oh my, I am goned blind!" He moved to his feet and his dagger fell out, with other things that he shouldn't be in possession of. The dagger glowed dimly. In its dim light, he checked to see if eveything was present and accounted for. "Aw, shucks! I landed all in one piece and ain't goned blind after all!" (The bump on the head might have done something to that empty space between the ears.) He wondered the cave until he found a detached finger with a ring on it. He picked it up and tried to remove the ring (and got fingered in the process). The hobbit thought that the finger would make a nice addition to his garbage garden back home. If you plat it, it may grow into a whole big hand coming out of the ground. Wouldn't his neighbors be so jealous! After a couple of unsuccessful tries at removing the ring, he shrugged and stuck the whole thing in his pocket.

Bilbo continue in his walk (in search of food), until he reached a pond. Now, in this pond lived a creature that rivaled BIlbo in sliminess, who was named fondly Gollum. Now, Gollum was one of those fellows that would eat anything or anyone anytime anywhere. (Sounded very much like hobbits!) He liked to talk to himself, and he would have very long and drawn out complicated arguments with himself (which he usually lost). He looked remarkably like a frog and acted like one, too, right down to the fly catching techniques.

"Ribid! Ribid! Mes ssmells ssomethings thats woulds makes mes haves a fulls tummys. Let'ss goess ands gets its! Ribid! Ribid!"

After a lot of hissing, spitting, interesting language muttering, and ribidings, he won the argument with himself for a change, and he went in search of some delicacies of a hobbit variety.

Bilbo heard this horrible noise, and instead of being scared witless (like anyone with any sense), he said, "Oh my, I think I am going to be eaten. Hmmm, sounds interesting being torn into a thousand little pieces!" So, he jumped up and down waving his arms and yelling "Here I am! Come and get me!"

Gollum jumped into his lake with form and did the backstroke in a Olympic gold metal style. The hobbit was still jumping up and down trying to get his attention (Including a big neon sign that read 'Come and Get It!'), but when Gollum got closer and got a good whiff of Bilbo, he gagged and lost his perfect swimming form. This was not the smell he was following. Once he got to shore, he turned and deposited his previous meal in the lake. Bilbo jumped the creature and begged it to be eaten. Gollum struggled to break himself free of the grimy hobbit and recomposed himself.

"Whys takes mes tos kills yous. Ribid! The goblinses woulds likes to kills ands eats yous! Ridid! Ribid!" He told him.

"Ah, but I'm here and you're here. Aren't you hungry? I'm nice and plump!" answered Bilbo, as he waggled his behind.

Gollum sniffed at him and gagged. "Yucks!" he replied, "No's. Mes ain't thats hungry yets. Ribid! Ribid!"

"Oh, come on. You've got me all to yourself! You don't really want the goblins to get me first. I'm such a prize," he answered blinking and acting like a shy maiden, "And you might lose me in the fight."

"Ahs, but these goblinses are ssso goods ats a sssslice and dicssse! Ribid! Ribid!"

"But I bet you are a good one at the ole slicing and dicing bit with the dunking bit in the lake and all. And I am certain you know all kinds of good tortures to go along with it."

"Buts thesse goblinses knows all kindss ofs tortures. Ribid! Mes don'ts haves the rights kinds of tools fors thes appropriates tortures, ands theys dos. Ribid! Ribid!"

"Oh, you wouldn't want to miss out on such torturing of a helpless creature alone in the dark dank caves, and, after all, you don't know what the right seasoning and spices can do to the right person!"

The creature grumbled something to his other self about this smelly thing was taking the fun out of the chase and the pain and torture. Suddenly a bright light bulb lit up over his head, and he cursed the light. "Mes gots ans ideas. Wes haves a riddles games. If mes wins, then mes eats yous. Ribid! Ifs yous wins, mes shows yous goods ways tos gets yous losts and gets eatens by somethings nastys. Ribid! Ribid!"

"Oh, sounds good enough. Why Not!"

"Me asks thes first riddles. Ribid! Its bes verys hards! Ribid! Heres its issss. Ssso, thinks reallys hards. Whats ares yous? Ribid! Ribid!"

"A hobbit. What are you?"

"Oh mys! Mes forgots!"

"I win! I win!" Bilbo exclaimed jumping up and down.

"Oh darns! Mes losts! Ribid! Ribid!" complained Gollum in an unsuccessful attempt to sound downhearted.

"Well now, show me a good way to get lost. Hey, wait a minute! I want you to eat me!"

"Thes deals was yous wins, you goes!"

"All right! All right!"

"Mes gots tos goess homes and gets sssomethings. Mes sshalls returnsss! Ribid! Ribid!"

Well, Gollum did another beautiful nose dive into the lake. He swam swiftly back home to get a clothespin. The faster he got the smelly hobbit out, the faster he could redeodorize the place. Bilbo, on the other hand, waited and waited and waited and waited. He got bored after a while and started to play with the junk in his pockets: an over used and spotty handkerchief (that he promptly ate), a peanut butter and bologna sandwich (that he promptly ate), a melted green fuzzy candybar (that he promptly ate it), the goblin cook's house keys (that he promptly ate, too), Fred's wallet (that he counted the money in, then ate that too), a napkin holder from Elrond's table (that he promptly ate with a good size belch), a couple of worms named Moe and Joe, and they were doing naughty things (he ate them, too), a pair of dirty sneakers (he ate them) and a finger with a ring on it. He paused before eating it. He yanked at the ring. ( He really didn't like mixing his foods.) This time the ring came off. Putting the ring on his finger, he disappeared. He then flipped the finger in his mouth and swallowed it down, too.

Meanwhile, Gollum went in search of a clothespin. He searched and searched and searched. He found that the niftyrama ring, that he found in the Cracker Jacks box that one of his previous meals had, was now missing. Gollum was a bit peeved about this. He looked up at his full sized centerfold poster of that amazing troll woman Bertha, who got around and pouted. He had meant that ring for her. So, he scooted across the pond (Of course, remembering his clothespin) and saw no hobbit.

"Thes disgustings littles thingiemagiggys haves mys rings! Ribid! Ribid! Mes musts finds thiss heisters! Ribid! Ribid!"

Gollum ran off showing the undiscovered Bilbo the way out, Gollum couldn't smell him, because of the clothespin on his nose. Following along silently until Gollum stopped, Bilbo tripped over him and cracked his head on a rock. When he woke (after only a few short minutes), he was back to his abnormal self again. Looking at the prone Gollum parked in the middle of the road, Bilbo did not recognize this strange creature with the clothespin on its nose and vividly arguing with itself over whether or not to risk the removing of the clothespin to find his victim(and losing the argument). So, Bilbo did what his hobbit instinct told him to do. He gave Gollum a solid kick in the boot. Gollum jumped twenty feet in the air with a soprano screech and clutching tender parts of the anatomy. Oh well, he wouldn't have to be worrying about Bertha for a while.

Bilbo strutted by the hapless agonizing creature, who would not be in any kind of condition to follow the hobbit for quite some time. Bilbo wandered the path for a short while until he stumbled upon some goblins, who were guarding the doorway to the outside. He walked in the middle of the group, slipped off the ring, then cried, "Nah, nah-a-nah-nah!" and mooned them.

The goblins jumped at him, but he disappeared along with their lunches. (No big loss on lunch. It was soggy cereal with burnt toast again). They looked and looked and looked, but they found neither lunch nor hobbit, even though there was a distinctive trail of odor of slime mixed with soggy cereal to lead them to the missing perpetrator.