A/N: Again thanks to my loyal readers. I am glad that you are getting a kick out of this. This chapter contains the last song for awhile. I don't know if I will try to tackel the elven song later on or not, but that's chapter 9. An amusing little bit for you. While I was typing this out and had the Media Player going, the song "Forever Autumn" played as I typed the song. Quite ironic, given how bad my poetry is and some of the music on the my Media Player.
And a disclaimer for you all. If you think that I am JRR Tolkien, you are sadly mistaken!
Chapter 6: Out of the Frying Pan into the Fire
Bilbo, after escaping the caves and swallowing the last of his soggy cereal, decided that it was time that he found the dwarves. (Not only were they really good at finding free meals, but Oin owed him $50.00). So, he put his nose to the ground and went sniffing out his companions. (Not that it was necessary to put one's nose to the ground, because nothing quite smelled as bad as the dwarves. It was just a good excuse for him to waddle about in the mud some more.)
Now, in a clearing not far from the mountains, the dwarves and Gandalf were having a soothing little disagreement, that bordered closely to being a gentle little bloody argument about Bilbo's well being and what should be done about it.
"Hurray, my fellow dwarves! This indeed is an evening that calls for celebration! We have beaten Gandalf at his own little twisted games. We have lost that malodorous little hobbit!" exclaimed Thorin, who was a bit more than a little malodorous himself.
"I would not cheer so loudly and heartedly if I were you, you repulsive little flea ridden vile cretin of the most loathsome putrefied swamp muck! I am not a wizard given to a good sense of humor or fair play," answered Gandalf with a glint in his eye.
"You're just peeved because we lost the hobbit fair and square! It wasn't a dwarf that tripped up Dori. You owe me. So, pay up!" replied Thorin.
"I don't care who dropped the hobbits! We are going back to those caves and find the obnoxious little pest! It took me long enough to procure such a proper specimen as him!" Gandalf pointed out pointedly.
"Oh no we are not!" insisted Thorin.
"Oh yes you are!"
"Oh no we're not!"
"Yes, we are," insisted Gandalf, as he casually set Thorin's pants on fire.
Thorin let out a bloodcurdling scream and used many and various and sundry vocabulary words that any respectable dwarf should never know that he most likely learned off of a certain hobbit to express his opinion of this situation. Then Thorin used a few more words in his phraseology to give new and unique names to his dwarven citizens, who were enthraled by the actions occurring and standing about with all jaws agape. Thorin made a few colorful comments about his stupid underlings putting out the fire. The dwarves looked at each other, then they threw a couple of gallons of water (which came out of places unknown) at the designated area.
"Now that that is settled, go and search for the hobbit," answered Gandalf.
As the wizard turned his, a rather wet raspberry was heard. He spun around ready to disintegrate the ingrate dwarf, but Bilbo just stood there and asked quite bluntly and plainly, "Where's lunch?"
Gandalf smiled cooly. He knew how well the dwarves enjoyed the hobbit's company, not to mention how much the other races that they encountered enjoyed the hobbit's company and smell, and who knows, maybe someone (or something) somewhere may get the delicacy of hobbit over easy and die of food poisoning.
So, now that they were all back together, they went on their merry way eastward. Not long into their walk, it became a run. They ended up in wolf country, and the wolves were not at all interested in the lovely centerfold of Bertha that Bombur still carried and was willing to share with the world. Actually, the wolves would not even have taken notice of them at all and left them alone, but a certain furry smelly companion was making interesting faces at them. Then he made a few crude obscene gestures to them. To top off his act, he did what hobbits were most noted for. He threw garbage at them. Not to mention, Gandalf whipped out a cute little spells that made all the fleas migrate (mostly from present company) to the wolves and have a nice little feast on wolf blood.
So, Gandalf, dwarves, and hobbit got chased. They decided to climb up some fir trees. (This was Bilbo's choice of trees, because he liked what the pine cones reminded him of, and he could add one of them to his garbage collection and fool friends and neighbors into believing it to be something smelly.) The dwarves and Gandalf had no problem with the climbing of trees, but the hobbit did. He was a burrower and a garbage thrower, not a tree climber! Dori thought for several minutes and drew the short straw again. So, he decided not to allow the wolves to eat hobbit. Most of this daring act of heroism was spurred on by the gentle persuasion of Gandalf's words of 'Rescue him or the wolves will have dwarf well done.' So, the dwarf yanked the whining hobbit up into the tree.
While stuck up in the tree and being quite bored with watching Gandalf pull nasty tricks on the wolves to anger them more, Dori, Ori, and Nori decided to take the hobbit by his ankles and dip him down to the wolves to tempt them on and find out how high the wolves could jump. Each dip brought on the most interesting words from the hobbit's mouth (which really fascinated the dwarves and wolves alike). Bilbo did wish for some privacy, so that he could go participate in one of his favorite little hobbies and have a nice little nervous breakdown.
In the midst of all this fun and entertainment, the goblins showed up. They had their scheduled grill out, which they had been planning all week. They were a bit peeved that the wolves had started without them. Of course, then again, the wolves didn't know how to fire up the grill yet, no matter how many times they had been shown. Once they got closer, they were even more peeved. Not only had they not fired up the grill, but they had caught the lunch already. Dang it, catching the meal was half the fun.
The leader of the wolves went up to the leading goblin. "You're late. So, we started without you," the leader wolf answered as he kicked several fleas in the goblins' general direction.
Kicking the fleas back at the wolves, the goblin answered. "If your king just bit the big one, you would be a bit late, too. Not to mention, if you had been living on soggy cereal for the past week, you would be a bit peeved about the meat, too."
The goblin cook that was the captive earlier, was with them and mimicked the goblin leader. He crossed his arms and complained, "A nice vegetarian diet is healthier for you anyway. All these cooked meat foods are just going to slow you down."
"Shut up! That is just an excuse for your lack of skills!" exclaimed the goblins and the wolves together, and the wolves added a mournful painful howl to exclamate the point.
The cook only shrugged. After a bit of growling and sharing of mutual fleas, the wolves showed the goblins their prize. All the goblins (except the cook) cheered. It was the bunch that they lost (and especially that particularly smelly furry creature was still among them.) If they had completely lost them, they would miss out on that special opportunity of new species taste testing. They began to sing off key, not all together, and on completely different songs simultaneously (of course).
"Now you all have sought to escape our grill out!
Now, my dear little fellows, we really do care!
After all, how does it taste, something so smelly and furry?
We all quite agree, that it was quite pure rude and quite shitty,
That you knocked off our king and escaped, dwarves.
So, we are going to make sure we fix you up good and well!
"We really wouldn't want you to fall down a well!
That would blow our whole party of a grill out!
Now, you can really understand that, can't you, dwarves?
After all, we have put in a lot of work and care
For this very special party, so don't make it shitty
By running away with that something smelly and furry!
"As you've guessed, we've never seen (or smelt) something so smelly or furry.
And we're more than a little interested, curious and well . . .
We've never smelt anything well . . . quite that shitty!
Who knows what may happen after this grand grill out!
It may taste quite tasty with little cooking care
And we do know we like quite well barbequed dwarves!
"We all want the one smelly and furry in out grand ole's cook out!
I'll take mine done well, so, you had better take care
Not to make it shitty, heed me well, dwarves!"
"You all are quite gross and off key! Not to mention, that song isn't much better than the last one you guys sang. No, it's worse! I didn't believe it was possible, but you have achieved the impossible! That song is the absolute dumbest song I have had the misfortune of hearing. I'm certain that I think it can't get any worse, you would be sure to prove me wrong and come up with a dumber song!" lectured the cook.
"Who cares!" answered the leader, as he went to light a tree along with four other goblins at the other four occupied trees.
"But, you can't! They spared my life! They . . ." protested the cook, but he was graciously conked on the head and took a nap.
"All the more reason they deserve this! One bad turn deserves another!" exclaimed the leader.
The goblins set the trees aflame. So, Gandalf gave thought to making a flying leap. He figured he could cause more blood spill that way. So what if he died. He could always reincarnate himself. So, as he jumped, the Lord of the Eagles grabbed him and carried him off. The Lord of the Eagles had been watching them for some time now, due to the fact that his favorite soap opera had been cancelled. Several other eagles picked up the rest of the dwarves. Bilbo grabbed a hold of Dori's leg. The thought of falling headlong into the valley below thrilled him, but his cuff links (previously belonging to Bifur) caught hold of Dori's boot. The boy still hadn't completely recovered from the bump on the head.
They landed at the eagles' nest. Gandalf conversed with the Lord of the Eagles.
"What's happening, you lice bitten feather brain?" Asked Gandalf in his usual courtesy.
"Oh, nothing much, ole dead skunk glands!"
"How close to Mirkwood can you take us, you vermin sucking lizard tongue?"
"To Carrock, carrion breath."
So, it came to pass that night upon which they feasted on rabbit, watched the evening soaps, and slept there till morning. (Did you get that out of the conversation?)