A/N: Here it is! Chapter 8 up and running! Yay! This is a little dated, but I couldn't figure out any artist out there in the modern day that compares to Boy George. Oh well, take it for what it is. Anyway, thanks again to The Lady of Light and everyone else out here reading this. I am having some fun with it!
Disclaimer: Tolkien might want to know who Boy George is, too, and what does he have to do with this story!
Chapter 8: Flies and Spiders
The dwarves entered the forest happier than any of the adventures they had had so far. Just knowing that Gandalf was not coming was enough to make this dismal oppressing forest seemed like a trip to the grocery store, which had locked its doors with the dwarves and hobbit left inside for the night. They skipped along the path and sang "Whistle While You Work." Of course, none of these dwarves had any experience in this field. For some obscure little reason, they suddenly realized that Bilbo was not with them. So, Fili and Kili went back, chased him down, hog tied him, and dragged him back into the forest, as they conveniently hit his head on every available rock on the path (and many not on the path). Inside the forest, it was stuffy, smelly, and dark. Bilbo was quite ashamed of himself that he had tried to run out on the dwarves, because this forest reminded him remarkably of home. All it needed was some rotting garbage thrown about.
They soon came upon a river. The dwarves looked at each other. With a mutual silent decision, Fili and Kili went over to Bombur. They hefted him up with all their might and flung him in the river. What creature would not go for such a tasty little morsel such as Bombur? Not to mention, the dwarf did not know how to swim. So, he splashed and spluttered around enough to wake any monster lurking therein and swallowed enough water, so that if it were deadly, he'd be dead by now. Bofur, being rather a generous fellow, grabbed the drowning dwarf's hand and yanked him to shore. Poor Bombur was so out of it that he didn't notice his prized possession of the centerfold of Bertha floated away down the stream.
"The water is enchanted with a sleep spell. So, I'm going to sleep until Christmas and dream of Bertha!" He told them, then he fell over on his face.
The dwarves tied a rope around Bilbo, who didn't get it. Fili and Kili shrugged and threw the hobbit with all their might across the water, but instead of a splash, they heard a clunk, thud, and a string of curse words. So, the dwarves heaved and heaved at the rope. Suddenly, the rope became slack, and a boat and very squished, pulled, and grumpy hobbit came crashing into the two young dwarves. The remaining standing dwarves, except Thorin, who verbally supervised the job, pulled the boat onto the shore. They all piled in. Fili and Kili, carrying Bombur got in. The boat began to sink. So, they tied up Bombur with the other end of the rope that was attached to Bilbo. Fili and Kili swung Bilbo around several times and threw him into the trees across the river. With a vile curse that would curl a troll's hair and the crunch of several leaves and branches, the hobbit was anchored in the tree. The young dwarves tugged on the rope and pulled the boat across, while using Bombur and the rudder.
Once across the river, Thorin yanked Bilbo out of the tree. Cutting the hobbit free, he said, "Since you have proven yourself useful and you're still alive, you may walk freely now."
They traveled for a long time. Bombur never woke up, although they dragged him along on the ground. No one was willing to carry his weight around. Fili and Kili had the habit of slamming him into trees that weren't exactly on the path, then at the end of the day's journey, they would hang him upside down for the night. When they started into a valley, Fili and Kili came up with Bombur sledding down the steep incline. Soon after all the thrill of this exciting new sport was over, the dwarves had a conference and decided that they to send Bilbo up a tree, especially since the fellow did not know how to climb trees. Bilbo approached the problem calmly and struggled up the tree. He was to look around to find out how much forest was left to travel, and depending upon his report they would decide whether or not to cook and eat Bombur. Of course, given all the recent circumstances, and still being in a bit of a shock after seeing the full fold out of Bombur's picture of Bertha floating down the river, he did a most useful thing. He had a long overdue nervous breakdown. The dwarves waited around as their cordial courteous selves.
"There he goes again! Screaming and yelling and crying and carrying on like he's the only one!" remarked Kili.
"I just knew it was coming after the food shortage! He's nothing at all on a full stomach, and now he's even less on an empty one!" commented Oin.
"One thing about hobbits, they have no consideration for their friends!"added Gloin.
Fili took several rocks and threw them up at the whining hobbit. Seeing that this method didn't work, he took a bow and an arrow and shot arrows up at him.
"I just wonder if he's upset about something," said Dori.
"Nah, he's just showing what kind of person he is," replied Nori.
"He's certainly making enough noise about it!" stated Dwalin.
"It would serve him right to right out of that tree!" added Balin.
"Where's your manners!" Ori yelled up at him quite peeved.
"Knock off the racket up there!" ordered Thorin, "And get to work!"
Bombur sat up and called up to him, "Shut up! Some of us are trying to sleep!" He then fell back into that enchanted sleep.
"Yeah, stupid! Shut-up before you wake up some of Gandalf's little friends!" called up Bofur.
"Be quiet and get to your job up there or you won't get any supper!" Bifur called up.
That got him. He got quiet and went the rest of the way up the tree. He popped his filthy head up above the tree's roof. All these actions seemed terribly familiar to him, as were the finds of this venture. This all had to do with the fact that he had already climbed this tree initially, found out the dismal truth, then had his nervous breakdown. His stomach gave him a sound kick for being such an idiot as to get himself in this mess in the first place. Well, Bilbo dug into his dinner of the remaining supplies, and he explained his find between gulping bites. There was no end to the forest.
"We are a bunch of dead ducks!" he cheerfully told them.
Bombur woke up to say "What!" and fell back to sleep.
"We are all going to die!" answered Thorin sophisticatedly.
"I think it sounds fun!" remarked Dori.
Bilbo smiled and went quietly behind a nearby tree and had his second nervous breakdown of the day.
Bofur looked skyward and exclaimed, "Why me, lord! Why, oh why!"
After about an hour or so, Bilbo came out from behind the tree. He was all smiles. That was all right. The dwarves did not take the bearer of bad news well, so they hog tied him and hung him upside down from the tree for the night with Bombur, who muttered sweet nothings about Bertha and breakfast at Tiffany's.
During the night, the dwarves heard singing. So, they decided to follow the voices. "After all, who knows what kind of food the owners of those voices might have!" announced Thorin.
"FOOD!" exclaimed Bombur and Bilbo together, "Where! Where!"
"Not here!" answered Bofur.
"Oh shit!" complained Bombur, "I woke up for nothing!"
They untied Bombur and Bilbo (mostly because Fili and Kili were tired of banging their heads into everything). They followed the voices until they were stopped by a tall wood elf and his spear.
"Do you have a ticket?" he asked.
"No," answered Thorin, "Why? Should I? I am the grandson of the King under the Mountain."
The wood elf made a circular motion with his index finger.
"A ticket to what?" Asked Bofur.
"The Culture Club concert, stupid!" answered the irate elf.
"The what?" asked Bifur.
"The Culture Club! Where have you been! You are way out of it!" complained the elf, "You certainly are not of the Boy George Groupie Association of Mirkwood!"
The dwarves just now noticed for the first time that the elf was wearing a woman's dress, had dreadlocks with tacky beads, and his face was made up with just a tad too much makeup. He had a perfect manicure, showing through his fingerless gloves, but for all practical purposes, he looked like a bag lady.
"Why are you dressed like that? Are you a . . ." started Fili.
The elf took his spear point and turned it to the obnoxious dwarves in a rather threatening way, but the dwarves had disappeared along with his wallet.
Bilbo and the dwarves headed back in the direction of the path, but they couldn't find it, even though Dori, Ori, and Nori looked under every rock. They didn't find the path, but they did find plenty of escargots, that Bilbo promptly scarfed from them. The path had totally disappeared like magic (and that it was). So, realizing that they were totally and utterly and miserably lost, Bilbo calmly crawled under a bush and had his third nervous breakdown of the chapter.
After a while, the dwarves decided that the hobbit had enough time to deal with his problems, and that yanked him out of his hiding. A delirious smile covered his face. They decided to send him back to the elves in the hopes that they would kill him this time. They not so gently informed him of his duty. Still smiling, Bilbo turned back around and headed back to the bush, but Fili and Kili were quick. They picked him up and threw him back in the direction of the elvish party.
Bilbo pulled himself up in front of the scowling elf. "Hello," he said still smiling and with a little wave. "How ya Oin' tonight? I am feeling better now."
"What do you want?" growled the elf.
"Well, for a starter, Why are you dressed like a sissy? And I . . ."
The elf punched the smiling hobbit silly. He never knew the difference. So, the elf gave him a good solid kick that sent him back to his friends. Bilbo got up and brushed himself down. He was not going to be put off by a two bit sissified elf, who wore a dress. So, once out of the dwarves' sigh, he put on his ring and went invisible and tried to sneak into the party. He got poked with a spear. With a few interesting words, that no elf should hear, the hobbit turned visible again.
"How did you know?" he asked.
"You are the only thing that smells that bad," replied the elf, as he gave the furry little hero another send off.
The dwarves and Bilbo were quite dismayed by their failure (especially Bilbo's stomach that the escargot did nothing for). The dwarves were even more dismayed about the hobbit's return in one piece. So, they camped out and smoked the last of their interesting tobacco. Then they all zonked out. Bilbo heard some rustling and slipped the ring on before sleeping.
He woke to find himself all alone. He heard voices screaming in the distance. Smiling, he rolled over until he fell back to sleep. He then heard the urgent and quite ticked off voice that sounded remarkably like his mother (but was in fact was Gandalf) in his head.
"Get up, you lazy rotten slouch! You can't let these overgrown cockroaches eat my experiment specimens! No buts! Get them or I'll sick 'Better Homes and Gardens' on your home while you're out!"
Bilbo jumped right up! He searched for the dwarves. He really wanted to just let them rot, except for the gentle little persuasion of a lightning bolt to his rear end. He went invisible, so that the dwarves would have to go without hope. Suddenly, Bilbo saw a bunch of cockroaches three times his size. Bilbo smiled and did a clever thing. He had another nervous breakdown, which brought several more cockroaches to investigate. Now while Bilbo rolled around and carried on, a can of Black Flag fell out of his pocket. He had conveniently found it in Rivendell's dumpster. When the flying activated can came out of the hobbit's pocket, it made contact with the cockroaches. They did an interesting little dance then flipped over with their legs kicking up in the air. Then they croaked with the proper sound effects. So, when Bilbo finished out his little nervous breakdown, he saw the cockroaches dead with their legs sticking straight up. He shrugged and continued his search for the dwarves.
He continued his search until he found three cockroaches guarding their captives, who were held inside a box with glue inside. The dwarves were stuck in several different positions (and some of them could be rather embarrassing for a bunch of male dwarves). A big flashing neon sign outside of the box announced "Dwarf Motel".
So, Bilbo decided to throw many and various rocks and other sundries, that were obviously left over from recent elven parties, at the overgrown cockroaches. It took him forty-five tries to hit the correct target. The other cockroaches, not noticing the flying rocks, because they were not hitting them at that time, just stood there and made remarks on the weather. So, after a hundred more attempts, Bilbo finally scored on the other two cockroaches.
So, Bilbo not so gently pulled the dwarves free from the trap. They were dizzier than usual from the glue fumes (not to mention the stray rocks that tended to hit them). They were so out of it, that they didn't even notice that Bilbo was invisible, therefore they felt that they were appropriately rescued.
"What happened? I feel like I have just been through a rock storm!" Dori complained.
"That's exactly what happened. It was the weirdest thing," explained Bilbo, "I came in search of you, and suddenly all these rocks came flying!"
"Bull!" stated Bofur.
So, the dwarves and Bilbo ran like hell. They were soon pursued by rabid rampaging raving roaches. The dwarves ran back to where they had last seen the overly strange elves, and Bilbo ran into a tree with a thud. Falling unconscious, he missed the giant cockroaches greatest fear come true. A giant grey booted foot appeared from nowhere and stomped them into the ground.
When Bilbo regained consciousness, he heard screams again. Thinking that there was another party going on (where he may find more food), he followed the screams to find the Boy George Groupie Association of Mirkwood were carting off the dwarves. The hobbit thought for a moment, and the thought of food (and the smell of his burning britches) made him follow the elves.
Now, Thorin was captured by the elves much earlier. He had returned after the last time the hobbit got kicked sky high by the elf. He incited a riot and was arrested. The elven officers (all dressed like bag ladies) brought Thorin before the Elvenking, who was dressed like Queen Victoria.
"Good day, dwarf. Why were you so rude as to incite a riot at our concert? Do you have something against Boy George? You are most uncool! I'm afraid we are going to have to lock you up for a century or two until you become hip!"
"Now listen here, you twerpy sissy, I am Thorin Oakenshield! Grandson of the King under the Mountain!"
All the guard made that bored circular motion with their index fingers.
"Who cares? I wouldn't go around bragging such a thing! I would like to keep it a secret if I were you and keep face!"
Thorin made a rude gesture.
Shock covered the Elvenking's paling face. "For such an insult on my esteemed self you will be forced to watch used car commercials until you repent your deeds!"
Everyone sucked in their breath at awe of such a horrible punishment. The king sat back on his throne in pride. What one must do to protect his swollen ego. One has to be truly brutal at times.
The elves dragged off Thorin, who was screaming and cursing. The Elvenking's eyes grew wide. He put his delicate hand to his forehead and fainted dead away.