A/N: I was busy with my Fictionpress writing on Thursday night, so this got pushed behind a bit. Anyway, I will uploading two chapters today. They're short, but they are still two chapters. Although many of the things in this parody were stolen for other stories that I wrote or I wrote with someone (like the nervous breakdown the Brigadier has in "The Curse of Tinkerbell" ), I stole something from another one of my stories for this one for a change! Not to mention all the other things lifted from the media! Oh well, I'm not making any money off of this.
My thanks to The Lady of the Light, IcySaphire, and Glorfindel34 for reading.
Disclaimer: Tolkien is hiding his head in shame. He never meant for his work to be taken this way!
Chapter 10: A Warm Welcome
Come morning, Bilbo woke up to find himself surrounded by thirteen barrels, and the pin up of Bertha laying plastered lovingly over the top of one of them. Thinking a moment, he decided to pry open one of the barrels to see what might be in there that he could eat. Opening the first barrel, he found a grouchy waterlogged dwarf, who firmly slugged him with a heavy wet sleeve. Bilbo snapped his fingers 'Oh darn!' The dwarf had survived. He went to the next barrel in hopes of better luck, but he found another soggy grouchy dwarf, who slapped him hard with a waterlogged sleeve. He went around and freed all thirteen dwarves with cold waterlogged sleeves that whapped him hard. Since there were no more barrels to open, he slouched down relieved that he wouldn't get whapped again. Bombur found his precious centerfold, grabbed it and hugged it close to himself. He ran to the hobbit and gave him a big kiss. Bilbo sputtered and spewed and grasped for breath. Bombur had regained all his weight while with the elves. Most of the dwarves would get moody and skip a meal or two, and Bombur offered to eat their meals for them.
Now, the trip was long and hard on all above, and thirteen dwarven bellies had a major growling contest with the hobbit's belly. The hobbit's tummy won out over each individual dwarven tummy, even Bombur's stomach. So, with very little decision or argument (except the involved tummies), the dwarves had the expert food finding hobbit led them to their next free meal.
Well, Bilbo put his nose to the ground, and Thorin tied a rope around his neck like a leash. It would never due to lose the hobbit at this stage. Bilbo caught the scent and took off like a shot to Laketown. It took twelve dwarves to hold back the ravenous hobbit, or else, he would have eaten the guards at the gate. Thorin dusted down his grimy clothes and announced his presence with a loud obnoxious belch.
"I am the grandson of King Under the Mountain, and I am bloody hungry! FEED ME!"
Now, humans in this world are peculiar little creatures. They have a thing for a thing for anything that is 4'0" or shorter. So what if they may be a slight shade of disgusting brown and green and smelled like there was a really good reason for that browness and one of them waved around a rather nauseating poster of a troll in a compromising position. As a result of all these factors, the men had a slight conference and came to the conclusion that this was some kind of positive sign from the gods. They hefted up the smelly slimy dwarves and happily paraded through town. The elders of the town knew immediately that Thorin had returned, because there was no mistaking that smell. So, they would have promptly demanded that the dwarves pay them back for the money owed them and the damages the dragon had done to their previous home, but they were stampeded by the marching parade.
The parade deposited Thorin on the platform in the middle of town. He cleared his throat and straightened his clothes. Throwing back, he announced in no uncertain terms, "I'M HUNGRY! FEED ME!"
No one paid him the slightest bit of attention. Meanwhile, the hobbit and the rest of the dwarves went in search of taking care of more important things. Since all the humans were out on the street cheering Thorin's magnificent speech on, the houses stood empty. The dwarves and the hobbit casually took this to their advantage and raid each house's refrigerator and ate until they felt somewhat contented and might survive the ceremonies. They then returned to the celebration, where Thorin was now jumping up and down and demanding "FEED ME!"
The traveling shopping wood elves just ignored the silly humans and the scurrying ravenous dwarves. They figured that the dwarves were part of a traveling sideshow, and they should be ignored. This opinion came about, because once upon a time, a certain sideshow artist sold the Elvenking a defective "All Purpose Beautifying Face-Lifting Guaranteed To Solve Split Ends Kit!" They never saw that dwarf again, although he was one of those held prisoner in their caves for the last few weeks.
Thorin gave another loud scream of "FEED ME!" to a cheering audience. Ah, the trials and tribulations of being the leader.
The humans continued to ignore his shouts, and after seven hours of parading him around town, they decided to feast in celebration. The twelve dwarves and the hobbit sat at the feast and ate as if they hadn't eaten in weeks. (They didn't want to offend the humans by not appropriately eating their whole portion of the feast). After eating about five servings for a brawny man twice his size, Thorin felt quite satisfied at finding someone, who appreciated his presence, then he continued to eat seven more servings.
The dwarves got invited to dinner at every house. So, they felt obligated to attend as often as possible. They ate to their heart's delight. Gloin and Oin did a few sales of useless items to the humans about town, and got even a few elven buyers. Otherwise, everyone else ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate and ate until Laketown started to fall into the lake. The lord of the town gave them supplies and a firm flying kick to Lonely Mountain (Back where they belonged).