A/N: Well, now I am at the handwritten pages, and I am surprised that I can actually read my writing after all this time. Oh well, anyway.This bit is a bit slashy. Well, it's not a mutual slash. Hey! It's parody! And I have been challenged to work in that bit about Bertha in every chapter. This time around you get three chapters for the price of one. Wo-hoo! Chapter 13 is really short. My continual thanks to my reviewers and all readers out there.

Discalaimer: I am certain that Tolkien is really rolling in his grave now!

Chapter 12: Inside Information

It took Bilbo awhile to climb back up the mountain this time. As soon as he reached the others, Fili kicked him inside the tunnel. Bilbo coughed and gagged, but soon his lungs got used to it. After all, he had been smoking most of this journey, most of his life . . . well, he was born with a pipe in his mouth. He put the ring on so that he could steal with ease and not prying eyes. Not to mention, he would be staying out of the dragon's sight, and therefore being placed on the menu.

The hobbit found Smaug sound asleep. He folded his hands and sighed. The dragon was so cute when he slept, especially because he was wearing that golden diaper. Bilbo sneaked up to the dragon and stole that diaper. Nothing needed to be that cute! He quietly and swiftly fled up that tunnel to the dwarves again. Being quite proud of this grand achievement, he had thoughts as to who was going to be kicked off the mountain this time.

The dwarves were thrilled to have Smaug's great golden diaper (with additional presents included). Each of them claimed that it was his bravery that brought this prize forward. Bombur was especially thrilled and added to his graffiti to Bertha that he was now a rich dwarf. Then suddenly, the mountain roared and the dragon appeared. He was not happy that his diaper had been stolen. How would you feel if someone stole your diaper as you slept? He had to get up and go outside to use the bathroom, instead of sleeping straight through it all. See, you can't blame him for being upset. After being so proud of the prize at hand, the dwarves all pointed fingers at the hobbit, and they all blamed him for their predicament. Fili called him something interesting and not of the PG-13 variety, and he kicked the hobbit off the mountain again. The 'fur' brothers placed bets for how high he would bounce. Bilbo scrambled up the mountain and into the doorway. Smaug had roasted ponies for supper, but he could not find the thief or his ditey.

Now, the next day, the dwarves decided to send Bilbo back down to get something else. He refused.

"I do refuse. I am sick and tired of Fili kicking me off this mountain!" Bilbo exclaimed.

"It is your job to steal!" insisted Thorin cooly.

"Yeah, that's why Gandalf chose a hobbit for the job," Bofur told him.

The hobbit stood back with his arms crossed. "I will not steal anymore until I get your word the Fili won't kick me off this mountain when Smaug gets upset!" insisted Bilbo.

They all grunted their promise and their word of honor. So, Bilbo threw back his head and marched back down to the tunnel. He was, of course, invisible. He didn't feel like being a roasted hobbit. He knew that Smaug would be expecting him.

"Hello, thief!" he heard a ladylike voice in a dragon sort of way. "Come, let me see you."

"Oh, Smaug. I am not in the mood to become well done and slabbed on a silver platter," answered Bilbo.

"I will not roast you. That is not my idea. I desire your sexy round body!" answered the dragon, blinking his big yellow eyes.

"HUH!"

"You heard me, sweetie cheeks."

"What's wrong with you? Are you related to the sissy wood elves?"

"No, this story gets boring with no females running about. So when all else fails, go for what is left."

"Oh, good God!"

"That's what I said after the first five hundred years without a nice cuddly female dragon. Then there is that Bertha troll woman. Not a bad catch, but she is as illusive and imaginary as they come and never makes an appearance in this story. This author is absolutely utterly cruel. So, what's a fellow to do?"

Bilbo cleared his throat and held up an invisible finger. "Please, excuse me a moment."

"All right."

Bilbo went quietly and calmly behind a rather sizeable pile of gold and had a nice little nervous breakdown. After a few minutes (And without the added heckling from the dwarves), he brushed down his invisible self and went back to business. Smaug looked very confused.

"Do you have these fits often?" asked the dragon wagging his tail in thought.

"What fits?" The hobbit asked, playing innocent.

"It must be that New Kind of Music trend nowadays," answered Smaug after a thought.

"Whatever."

"You can have all the gold that you can carry. All I want is you."

"Ah," chimed Bilbo with a flashing lightbulb over his head. The light flashed one time real bright and shattered the glass. The dragon perked up his head and crossed his slitted eyes in more confusion. "We want to dead meat, flayed, chopped, and minced, laid out on a platter."

"Ah, honey buns, you don't mean it."

"It's true."

"I am invincible. Trust me, others before you have tried, and it was no use."

"Oh?"

"Come over here, darling, and I'll show you. I am totally armored head to the tip of my sexy tail."

Bilbo waddled over to inspect Smaug's seductively laid out body. It did not take long for him to find a bare spot. With another lightbulb shattering idea, he tickled the exposed flesh with a thrush feather (that he still thought was a pheasant). Smaug laughed hysterically. Bilbo quickly grabbed a cup and ran like hell. The dragon recovered and sat up disappointed. He scanned the chambers for his visitor and found the tunnel. Being the spurred lover that he was, he shot a flame up the tunnel with a few interesting names to go with it.

"If I can't have you, no one will have you!" he cried out.

Bilbo puffed and huffed up the tunnel. He had gained too much weight in the last few weeks. He managed to outrun the flames. The dwarves could hear the rumblings of the dragon, and they knew he was a bit more than a little peeved. He would be on the hunt again. As an end result of this, Fili threw Bilbo off the mountain again. The hobbit made a good sizeable bounce to the foot of the mountain. Kili gave his brother a good hearty smack on the back for a job well done. When Bilbo got back up the mountain, he was rather angry.

"You gave your word of honor!" insisted Bilbo.

"I know," answered Fili giggling, "but you have been with us long enough to know what that honor means."

"Yeah, why else would we hire someone like Gandalf?" Gloin remarked.

Thorin did not join them in their conversation. He was deep in thought about the Arkenstone, a rather sizeable diamond, that his old man conveniently stuck in his pocket before he was kicked out of the North. It was a nifty jewel and one got a kaleidoscope effect when one looked through it.

At nightfall, Bilbo got all antsy and insisted that they crowd in the tunnel and the door be shut after them. He knew the love crazed dragon was after them and especially him. He was afraid that Smaug could sniff him out from the skies, and he was most likely not wrong in that thought. Fili smiled brightly at the hobbit's anxiety, and he conveniently kicked him off the mountain yet again. The dwarves tried to desperately shut the door before the hobbit's return, but no such luck. Bilbo made a b-line back and squeezed in through the crack left just before the dwarves managed to close it.

Smaug knocked the upper part of the mountain down into the perch where the doorway was in his frustration. Then he flew off to Laketown, because he figured that his little visitor came from there and may have returned in the meantime. If not, the humans could prove an interesting diversion.

Bilbo had another nervous breakdown. There was no escape for them now. Fili took a conveniently available pole and beat him soundly, as he screamed and yelled.

Unknown to anyone, except the most gifted seers, who wouldn't be caught dead in this story, while Bilbo had his nervous breakdown, Smaug was ready to have a feast with his golden bib (with the grizzly picture of a dwarf being cracked open) on, but he was not to return.