A/N: Well, the story is winding down. There are some interesting reseults from typing this up from the hand written version, and I no longer can read my handwriting of that time, and things are a bit water stained and what not, and it doesn't help that I couldn't remember about Ex-Lax. Oh well, I am supporting a different company now.
My continualthanks to the folk who are survivng this atrocity. You are loved.
Disclaimer: Tolkien's ghost is happy that this is almost over.
Chapter 15: The Gathering of the Clouds
During this time, the dwarves had partied and partied and partied, and they were pretty pooped out and sprawled out over the piles of gold. Bilbo did a more practical thing and stuffed his pockets with all the gold and jewels that he could get his hands on. He stumbled upon the Arkenstone, held it up to the eye and saw a multitude of unconscious dwarves. He gave a small yelp, and dropped the stone. Because it was a rather sizeable diamond and could buy several Big Macs, he picked it back up and stuffed it in his pocket. If he had known that this was that very special item that Thorin had wanted, he would have been sure to make the dwarf squirm for it. He didn't know this. His IQ wouldn't allow it.
After several hours of sonorous snores and afternoon naps, Balin and Fili went outside. For some strange reason, Bilbo felt the need to follow. It could have been because he needed to know what happened to Smaug. If the dragon was dead, then he was a free hobbit again. Balin tweeted to a raven, and the bird looked at him as if he was the idiot that he really was. Being bored, Fili kicked Bilbo off the mountain again. Instead of seeing desolated land before him as ususal, he saw many campfires. He returned to the dwarves with the news.
"We already know that! Balin remembered which tweety was raven, and he found out from the raven. He got one up on you, too. They are armies of the men and elves that we graced our wonderful presence with," Fili told him, as he kicked him off the cliff again. Bilbo was getting sick of this!
When he returned again to the dwarves, (which was a bad move!) He learned that Dain, Thorin's cousin, was coming to join the party. (That's exactly what we don't need is more dwarves!) The dwarves sang an extended version of the Black Sea song that included a few dirty barroom ditties. Dwarves will be dwarves after all. The song sent Bilbo off drowning once again, but this time there were piranha eating him alive. Bilbo still loved this song, and he had no idea why. The last thing a piranha would want to do is eat a hobbit. Even they have their priorities.
Bright and early the elves and men approached the mountain, but they scurried away as soon as they heard the army of snores coming from the dwarves. They thought that the dragon had returned. They tried again at noon, especially after the elves gave them some gentle persuasion like their spears to their backs. There was no snoring this time. The men continued forward, and the elves followed at a safe distance behind them. When the men met the dwarves, the elves hurried to join the rest of the party.
"What do you want?" asked Thorin with great anger. He was in the middle of raiding the supplies that Dain had brought with him, and he didn't want to be disturbed.
"Uh . . . uh . . . What did we want?" asked bard, the leader of the men. Men can pick the worst leaders.
"We want some gold to rebuild our town. After all, we killed the dragon," answered one of the men.
"Yeah, what he said," Bard added.
"And what about the elves. We owe them nothing!" exclaimed Thorin, who was still having nightmares about those used car commercials.
"Except a whopper of an extermination bill that could kill. Extermination is really where the money is at!" complained the Elvenking.
"Not to mention, my broken fingernail!" added the guard, who held up his finger with the sorely broken nail, and effectively flipping of the dwarves. "I lost it as I pushed too heavy of barrels into the lake. There is no amount of money that can replace my terrible loss."
"We aren't planning to pay for your lost fingernail," replied Thorin coolly.
"Well, we could come to a compromise in the price!" the elf insisted.
"Get out of my hair!" exclaimed Thorin.
"We only ask for enough gold to repair our town," answered the man, who spoke earlier.
"We have plenty of gold and some to spare. I could rob these dwarves blind, and they would never know the difference, since there is so much gold," Bilbo remarked. He was wanting to get this adventure over with so that he could get home to see the new year's season of his favorite sitcoms.
"Bilbo, would you like to fall from the cliff again?" Fili asked with that malicious grin of his.
"I figure I will again anyway," answered Bilbo.
"Give us the gold. We have kill the dragon!" insisted the man.
"We did?" Bard asked as he looked up from the fine poster of Bertha that Bombur was sharing with him. He shared his poster with the plump dwarf, and they decided to trade off.
"Trust me!" Insisted the man, as he snatched the poster away from him. Bard pouted.
"You shall never have our gold! We are threatened enough by a thieving hobbit!" Thorin said pointedly, as he glared at Bilbo, who casually returned the Elvenking's wallet to its place.
"This means war!" insisted the man.
"What's war?" asked Bard.
"Oh, I cannot possibly do a war today. I have a very important appointment with my hairstylist today. Must look my best for such events, you know. Maybe we can have a war tomorrow afternoon," the Elvenking suggested.
"I agree with the men. This means war over my broken fingernail."
"Go ahead! See if I care!" exclaimed Thorin, "But hold it off until Dain gets his act together and the Metamucil has kicked in."
"Ok," agreed Bard happily before anyone could complain.
"As long as I can visit my hair stylist, I am go with it," replied the Elvenking.
"Oh yeah, by the way, you all are under siege. No food thieving from you guys," the other man added.
The thought of siege, soon lack of food, and other necessities drove Bilbo silently and calmly back into the mountain for another nervous breakdown.