Chapter 16: A Thief in the Night
Several weeks passed, with the passing of the weeks and the new excuses for each side to hold off on this war, Bilbo had more and more nervous breakdowns. One day, Fili decided to kick him off of the mountain again. This time he did not crawl back up immediately, because he rolled into the camps of the elves and men. They promptly captured him and brought him before Bard and the Elvenking, who were doing each other's nails.
Bilbo stood up stately before them, and they both stopped what they were doing, which looked like painting little butterflies on the nails. They had to hold their noses to breathe, and thus smearing paint on their faces.
"Would you like to move downwind of us?" asked the Elvenking.
Bilbo complied and moved downwind.
"Are you a spy?" asked the Elvenking.
"No. I fell from the cliff, but if you feed me and let me use the privy, then let me go, I'll sell out my friends," replied Bilbo, playing the poor pathetic victim.
"Okay, let's hear it out!" the Elvenking ordered adjusting his damaged curls, that the fumes coming off of Bilbo were straightening out.
"Dain and his folk are on their way here. They will be here in a couple of days, and they are ready to kick some serious butt. From what I understand, they have to raid some village that Dain's wife ran off to, and they have to bring her back kicking and screaming. Anyway, from what I gather, these dwarves were privately trained by Gandalf in brutality, and the Metamucil didn't work. So, Dain is in a really foul mood. So, if I were you, I would vamos out of here," Bilbo told them.
"That deserves some food and freedom, don't you think?" Bard remarked.
"No, not yet!' answered the Elvenking, who was disgusted by Bard, because he didn't make spidery enough butterflies on his fingernails. Why couldn't they all be as cool as he! "I want proof!" he demanded of Bilbo.
The hobbit shrugged. "How about a bribe?"
"Sounds good to me!" exclaimed Bard happily.
"No," answered the Elvenking. He sat back and thought to himself and a little voice in his head said some prudent words. "Let's not be so hasty in this decision. You could receive something worth your while." So, he narrowed his eyes at the hobbit, and said, "What's the bribe?"
Bilbo rummaged through his pockets. He pulled out a year-old salami sandwich with some kind of green moss inching about on it, and promptly ate it. He then pulled out a dead and corroding rat that he ate too. By now, the Elvenking felt quite ill, and politely threw up his supper. Bard was fascinated by this. He clapped his hands with joy. Bilbo pulled out many other things and promptly ate them . . . such as a rusty wrench, three roaches, who had been suffocated by his stench, a small coo-coo clock that he had stolen from one of his neighbors, a set of encyclopedia that he lifted from Rivendell (One needed some material for those campfires for the cook out.), a dozen or so chains and balls (that he lifted from Gandalf), Bombur's prize picture of Bertha, and other things that were best left unspoken of. Finally, after pulling out the kitchen sink from Lonely Mountain, Bilbo pulled out the Arkenstone. He played with the sparkly lights for a bit, then he moved to eat it, but the Elvenking quickly took it from him. He was amazed that such a beautiful thing had fallen into such grubby hands, and Bard was fascinated by the worm crawling between the hobbit's toes. Bard stopped his observation of the wild life contain on the hobbit's personage, and looked up to the Elvenking and the magical mystical ball. The thought of a disco hall came to his mind as the sparkling colors played across the tent.
"That is one pretty ball there!" exclaimed Bard with his jaw gaping.
"Thorin would give his I teeth for this!" Bilbo happily informed them, "But for my freedom and a first, second, third and up to twenty-seventh meals, plus a possibility of some more plunders, I give you this spiffy bowling ball."
Bilbo was more sincere in the first two requests. The Elvenking agreed, and Bilbo ate everything within a three-mile radius, then he quietly returned to the dwarves, but he ran into Gandalf along the way. He nearly had a nervous breakdown on the spot. The wizard made sure he didn't.
"Well done!" he told Bilbo, "I will be very pleased when something unpleasant, I hope, comes your way. If all goes as planned, it will, and hopefully it will be your last thing you'll be through in one piece. A nice mutilation sounds rather nice this time of year, you know. Dear ole' Bolg got something like that in mind for you all. Let's just say that he wasn't exactly happy that you all were responsible for the death of his second cousin's half brother's boyfriend's mate."
Bilbo did not understand or care. His pockets were empty, but his stomach was full. So, he went back up the mountain and went to sleep it all off. That night he heard voices in his head.
"You want the best in technology, you've got it in Universal!"
Bilbo did not understand this or felt that it may have had a connection with the dream he had at home so long ago about "Let's go Krogering."