Chapter 18: The Return Journey

Bilbo woke with a well deserved headache. He shook his head and the rest of his body to clear it. He saw no living creature in the vast mess before him. Then he heard that blasted voice that he had often heard in his head before he could creep away.

"So, you're still alive, you little rodent! Get your butt down here!"

Bilbo went unwillingly down to the tents. He entered to see Thorin nearly dead. Gandalf, who the voice belonged to, motioned for him to come closer. He came closer to the once King Under the Mountain. The dwarf took one sniff of his stench and died with his arms and legs straight up in the air.

"Thank you. You have done well," Gandalf announced.

"Done what? I just walked in," defended Bilbo.

"You have killed him. I thought he would never shut up about being King Under the Mountain and die."

"Good. Can I go home now?"

"Oh, if you insist!"

The hobbit jumped up and clicked his heels. He ran to get his things, which pretty much belonged to everyone else, and then he prepared to leave. He suddenly remembered something and held his finger up for Gandalf to wait. He had important business to take care. After he was done running around the mountain in an expectant way, he asked, "Where's Fili?"

"He's dead," the wizard answered flatly.

"Oh darn! That is a pity."

Gandalf raised his bushy eyebrows. "Mr. Bilbo Baggins, what has gotten into you? You pity his death because of his youth."

"No, I owe him a kick off of this mountain!"

"It is good to know that this adventure has not changed you much."

"Is Kili dead, too?"

"What about Bombur?"

"Oh, he's still alive, but he left to go in search of Bertha the Troll."

"How about Balin?"

"That one is still alive and still here."

"Ah, good. Please, excuse me a moment."

Bilbo walked away grinning an evil grin. He caught up to the old dwarf. They talked about some old times and had a drink or two, as they walked to the cliff, where Bilbo happily kicked him off. He quietly and contentedly came back down to and rejoined Gandalf. Balin came scurrying to them.

"Why fore you kick me off the mountain?" he asked.

"Because Fili and Kili are dead, and you're a good sucker and you're still here and alive."

They turned to leave. Bilbo was eager to return to his garbage heap. Gandalf went with him. He wanted to see if he could get Bilbo killed yet. They met the Elvenking on their way home, and Bilbo left him a smelly present before they left. The king opened the daintily gift wrapped present and was bombarded with an exceptional stink. Oh well, it was back to the hairdresser again.

The hobbit and the wizard had many misadventures, in which we will not discuss in the hopes of keeping the good taste is left to this story. Most of theses adventures were provided by Gandalf, but Bilbo had learned to fend for himself in the wide world to the wizard's dismay. They met Beorn, who arranged to have some daily goblin hunts. There were a lot of scattered goblins about, and his restaurant was having a discount on all goblin items.