Chapter 19: The Last Stage
Upon a gloomy May day, (You know the saying, "April Showers bring May flowers". Not here does that apply. "April showers bring more May showers".) The two unwanted guest returned to Rivendell. Elrond prayed that it was untrue, but it was unfortunately very true. Bilbo made himself at home. He ate until food nearly came out his ears and other less savory body parts. Afterwards, he crawled off into the nearest garbage can to sleep. His snores were enough to jar the whole village. The elves, who really sang about anything still, sang their distress to the rhythm of the snores. It was their gentle way of saying "Get Out!"
"Sing all ye desperately now sing all together,
Jump out of a tree-top, Bilbo, please, jump out!
The stars are in misery, 'Cause your snores are murder!
The moon is sick, 'Cause of your degrading existence!
Dance all ye joyfully, now dance all together!
That will be happening if you just drop dead!
The river is rippled, 'Cause your snore are deafenin'!
They jar the world, and we wish you were diced!
"Sing we now loudly, and dreams let us weave him.
Bind him in slumber. Feed him to a dragon!
The murderer sleepeth. Oh, we wish the dragon here!
Murderer, leave us now, have many nightmares!
A nightmare exactly what your sick self is!
Leave us! Dark is our land
All because of yourself!
Stick boot and sock in
His ove'grown mouth!"
Bilbo did not wake until a week later. He promptly pigged out again, and went back to the garbage can to sleep it off again. This was his normal routine, even on Wednesday, but after the garbage collection was done for the week. He usually got up and went to eat at this time. When the food supply ran out, he had a nice little nervous breakdown on the grand dining table in Elrond's meeting room.
Eventually, Elrond was relieved to know that Gandalf and Bilbo were going in July, and he woke up one July morning to the peace and quiet of the world. They were gone, and there was much rejoicing!
Bilbo and Gandalf returned to where the trolls were still stoned. The hobbit hung his waistcoat on one of the troll's extended finger, that actually said a rude gesture. Cracking his knuckles, he set about digging up the treasure that was buried there. Gandalf just stood off to the side with the shovel that he had appropriated from Rivendell for this job. The hobbit found a few more pictures of Bertha in other compromising positions, and he brought them home with him in memory of the now missing Bombur.
After many interesting other adventures, that are really not worth mentioning here, and some of them would have upped the rating of this story higher than the writer wants, Bilbo finally returned home. All was not well in Hobbitton. Bilbo found that his neighbors had come over and cleaned houses. . . literally. Everything was missing and the place was clean. He quietly excused himself from Gandalf's company, went upstairs, and he had another nervous breakdown on his clean and bare bedroom floor. With all the gold that he had taken from the troll's treasure, he was able to re-garbage his house and resupply the food with plenty of money left over. He also had all the gold that he had stole from the elves, dwarves, and the men, Beorn, and the goblins . . . Yes, everything was back to normal (or at least, back to abnormal). He decided to take up writing, and became a best selling author with such titles as: How to Poach Your Neighbor, Gandalf and Other People to Avoid, My Failure to Revenge Myself on Fili, and All My Nervous Breakdowns under the Bed.
He lived quite happily until Gandalf and Balin appeared at his doorstep. He fixed them some tea and went upstairs under his bed, where he had his usual nervous breakdown. When he returned, he was all cheery eyed and smiling. Balin smiled at him.
"Remember inspecting the mountain after the war, and you kicking me off it?" asked Balin.
"Yes," smiled Bilbo nervously.
Balin pulled out a baseball bat. "I believe in revenge. I did not deserve that kick, so you deserve this beating."
"Excuse me a moment," Bilbo said calmly with a crooked smile on his face, "I must have another nervous breakdown."
"Oh no, not this time, dearie!" Gandalf said as he turned Bilbo around. Balin got up with his baseball bat. Bilbo shrieked and ran with Balin at his heels banging his head with the bat all over the entire shire.