'Hurt'
I, in no way, am affiliated with the production of any of Nine Inch Nails or Rumiko Takahashi's products, and do not claim to have any. I do, however, own all rights to this fanfiction.
(A/N): Jeez, I'm so addicted to song-fics right now… (sigh) Blah. Kikyou rules.
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I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar sting
Try to kill it all away
But I remember everything
Her skin is cold. Her thoughts linger for a moment, trying to recall what it used to feel like. She bets it was soft and warm. She bets that InuYasha would like to touch it, running his fingernail along the soft line of her vein.
There is no vein there, anymore.
And she feels no pain when she runs the broken glass along where she believes it would have been if she were still alive. The crimson, she believes, is darker than it should be. It looks more like dirt. And then, it hits her,
It is dirt.
She frowns and wraps the wound with a piece of white cloth carefully. This hadn't been an angst-driven decision, but an experiment. An interestingly crushing experiment, at that. She is surprised the glass cut it so easily, actually, considering she is made of clay and dirt. Rough soil. Her soul is made of fragments by now, which upsets her, because she thirsts for power. The thirsts for love. The love that they gave her openly when she was still alive.
Everyone hates her, now, and she knows it.
And it hurts her terribly to know this; to know that her former-lover has chosen another woman- a woman that resembles her so closely. It tears her apart, realizing that his love for her is a fact.
And, the worst part, she thinks, is that she still loves him. She loves him too much for words to express. And, despite what so many people believe, she doesn't mind that girl so much. She doesn't see anything wrong with her- Kagome is perfection. The only reason Kikyou dislikes her is because when she looks at her, when she faces Kagome and stares her right in the eyes, she sees what she always wanted to be.
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
She doesn't seek to hurt them because of disgust; she does it because of jealousy…envy.
And through all of the things she suffers through, Kikyou never cries. She mustn't cry, for, if she dares, she will break, and she knows it. Her sanity will crumble as soon as she lets a single tear slip.
And what if InuYasha sees? He will surely pity her, which she does not desire at all. She wishes for him to love her, not feel sorry for her.
And what if Naraku sees her crying? He will mock her after discovering her weakness, and certainly kill her at that moment. Because Naraku can kill her now. Even Onigumo resents her. He resents this shell of a body- these disgustingly dry lips, the tangled hair, the pale skin… She can't blame him. She looks and acts disgusting, now.
I wear this crown of shit
upon my liar's chair
full of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
beneath the stains of time
the feeling disappear
you are someone else
I am still right here
She knows. She knows despite what she says that she is still Kikyou. And she will remain Kikyou forever, for one who is made of clay can never truly die. After all, they never live, do they? They never feel, so it's impossible to hurt, right?
Wrong.
She feels pain more than anyone. She was brought back to life involuntarily; she didn't want to become this malicious monster. She didn't want to have contradicting feelings for her lover; she didn't want to have a seething hatred for her… And, she asks him silently, InuYasha, didn't you hear me pleading for mercy in your ear? Didn't you hear me feverishly request not to say that name?
"Kikyou…?"
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know
Goes away in the end
But he had said that cursed word, anyway. It was probable that he didn't care about her well-being then. Kagome was with him, wasn't she? This means that his attention was focused on her. Of course.
She struggles not to cry. Zombies don't cry. Kagome can cry. She can't.
She shivers lightly and wishes that she had thicker clothing.
Or a thicker shell.
At that point, she lets it go, and she cries. She cries for hours. She cries because she misses him, she cries because she wants to be her, and she cries because she never wanted the title of 'Monster'. She cries because she wonders what she did to deserve this cruel fate, and she cries because she can, and it keeps a little grip on her sanity because she knows that she isn't completely dead.
And she cries because there's no one to hold her anymore.
But, she knows, despite what she wishes, that Kagome and InuYasha are meant for each other, and she acknowledges the fact that she had the chance to love him, but never could take it up. She knows how much Kagome loves him and how much he loves her.
But she can never forget how much she loves him still.
And she hopes that, in her dreams, he will love her too, but the realization hits her that she can't dream, because she isn't alive.
And she cries more.
You could have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a way