Author: Taulaes
Disclaimer: I don't own Star Wars or any of the associated characters. I'm not George Lucas and I don't make any money from this fanfic.
--(insert text here)-- denotes Obi-Wan's thoughts.
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Obi-Wan Kenobi quietly entered his and his master's quarters. He had just come back from a small celebration, which was for his great victories in the sparring tournament, a little later than his master, Qui-Gon Jinn, would have liked. Normally, it would have been completely quiet and Obi-Wan would have to try very hard to keep things that way. Also, normally, when he would get there late into the night, Qui-Gon always knew and was there waiting for him. That night it was different. Qui-Gon wasn't waiting for him and it wasn't at all quiet. Obi-Wan could distinctively hear someone snoring.
--That can't be my master snoring. He doesn't snore that loud anymore. Not after he went and got help for his snoring, anyway.--
"Master? Is that you?" asked Obi-Wan quietly.
Qui-Gon, who was usually a very light sleeper, didn't respond to Obi-Wan. "Master? Are you here? And if it's not you, who is it? Master?" Obi-Wan asked a little louder.
Still, no answer came from Qui-Gon, or anyone else, if there was someone else there. He left the small foyer and wandered to his master's room. With a small look around the corner before hand, Obi-Wan entered the room. No one was in there though, and still the snoring persisted. The Padawan decided to look in the common area. Sure enough, there was Qui-Gon, asleep on the couch, but he wasn't snoring, and he left a holo-vid on. Obi-Wan leaned forward to his master and whispered, "Master, there are strange snores coming from somewhere. I think it's someone come to cut your hair off."
Finally, some life seemed to come to Qui-Gon, but he just settled back down into a nice sleep. That's when Obi-Wan realized that his master was wearing earplugs. A great need came over Obi-Wan; the need to poke someone while they are sleeping. He poked his sleeping master once. He didn't wake up, so he poked him again. Still, Qui-Gon remained asleep and the mysterious snoring continued. Carefully, Obi-Wan removed an earplug and whispered into his master's ear, "Master! Scissors! There's a person here with scissors! They're threatening to cut off all your hair! And they snore really loud!"
The threatening of losing his hair is what made Master Qui-Gon Jinn wake up. He jumped up, with his lightsaber drawn, ready to defend his hair. He put his saber away when he realized how contradictory his Padawan's statement was. "Obi-Wan, you do realize a person couldn't be threatening my hair if they were snoring? If they were snoring, they would be asleep," Qui-Gon sighed, "And you woke me up after I managed to get to sleep. Couldn't you be more quiet?"
"Can't you hear the snoring! When I came in, I was way quieter than the snoring! Master, I'm sorry I woke you, but saying that your hair was in danger was the only way to wake you up. When I first came in, I thought you were the one snoring, but then I saw that it wasn't. And you know the rest. We're here and someone is still in our quarters snoring," said Obi-Wan blankly.
"Wait. 'When you came in'? You weren't here the whole time? Do you realize what the time is? Look at the chrono! Tell me what it says and then tell me what I told you!" Qui-Gon was infuriated.
"Well, Master. The chrono says that it is nearly one in the morning. And you just told me to look at the chrono and tell you what time it is, then tell you what you told me. I looked at the chrono; it says that it is nearly one in the morning. And you just told me to look at the chrono and tell you what time it is, then tell you what you told me. I looked at the chrono; it says it is nearly one in . . . Wait . . . Nope, it now says that it is one in the morning. And you told me . . . " the Padawan stated, smiling.
"Obi-Wan! Be serious! I told you to be in by ten-thirty. That was the one condition for me to let you go and celebrate. Well, that and not to rearrange half the books in the library again. The only reason why I thought you were here, and why I didn't go storming off to find you, my disobedient Padawan, is because I thought it was you who was snoring. The sound was coming from the general direction of your room," said the stressed Jedi Master.
"WHAT! Me? Snore? I. Do. Not. Snore. I never have. I believe that I never will. My sinuses are extremely clear. Take a look for yourself," Obi-Wan pushed back his nose to reveal the inside of his nose, "See? Very clear sinuses. The healers always beam at my amazingly clear sinuses. They say I'm a role model to all the poor Padawans who are always so stuffy in the nose area."
Qui-Gon dropped his head and let out a sigh. It was quiet for a short while in the quarters that were lived in by the fifteen year-old Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi, and his prestigious master, Qui-Gon Jinn. But the quiet was short; the snoring continued. The two looked at each other. Both with a look that seemed to say, "I'm not finding out what's in there."
The stare down lasted for roughly half of a minute when Qui-Gon broke down; the intense stare of clear-sinus-boy was, well, intense. "I'll go see. On the condition that you cook for one week for this favor, and another week for coming back two and a half hours after I instructed," Qui-Gon bargained.
"Cook? You want me to cook? Do you want to die? My cooking is like poison! You'll have indigestion for weeks. Weeks for each meal that you eat. Three meals a day. Fourteen days' worth of three meals. That is . . . Forty-two weeks of indigestion. That means ten and a half months. And that is only a week for each meal; in reality, it would be, like, two weeks for each meal. So double that number. Twenty-one weeks. Three months short of two years. But, hey . . . If you really want to leave your poor Padawan all alone for nearly two years while you visit the healers everyday . . . I suppose we'll both have to live with that. I'm going to cry in a corner now," Obi-Wan pretended to cry.
"You're fake crying doesn't work on me. You know that in another life you were a gourmet chef! And if you weren't busy training, you would be in the kitchens cooking. If the Jedi council hadn't found you first, the chefs would have. Would you rather be a Padawan or a chef-in-training?" asked Qui-Gon.
"Well, I don't know . . . I think . . . PADAWAN! Definitely a Padawan! What could be cooler? I mean, being a chef comes so naturally to me . . . I don't need any formal training for that. Besides, cooking doesn't have that chance of danger that makes the ladies swoon," Obi-Wan said, "Wait! I just told you I could cook . . . Oh, sith!"
"Now, Padawan, I will not have you using that language for such trivial matters as you being tricked by your prestigious, amazing Master. Save those words for when a speeder drops on your head," Qui-Gon said angrily, but then regained his composure, "Now, you have ultimately admitted that you can cook at least decently. Two weeks of cooking is your punishment for not obeying your master and for not having enough backbone to see what's snoring in your room, Padawan."
Obi-Wan grumbled, but decided not to argue. His master, the brave Qui-Gon Jinn, entered the domain of the lethal thing that was snoring; a place also known as Obi-Wan's room. All was quiet. The young Padawan had his hand on his lightsaber; waiting to jump to his master's aide. He heard a gasp and more snoring coming from his room. "Padawan. You'll never believe this, but" --- Obi-Wan couldn't understand this part of what his master said--- "Is in you're underwear drawer!" Qui-Gon said, shocked.
"Wait... WHO'S IN MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER!" yelled Obi-Wan.
"To believe it you'll actually have to come and see," said a still shocked, Master Jinn.
Obi-Wan quickly ran into his room. What he saw, caused his jaw to drop in disbelief. He stepped forward slowly. "Is that really-- No. That can't be-- Please tell me I'm hallucinating! Master! Make him go away! Get him out of my underwear drawer!" Obi-Wan yelled.
"Shh! Quiet! Don't you know what happens when you wake one of his kind? They go crazy and kill people. It's not good for anyone involved. To get him out of your drawer, we will have to be careful," Qui-Gon whispered.
"You don't realize it, but Yoda is always crazy! He may not always kill people, but he's crazy! He can't speak correctly!" Obi-Wan yelled some more.
"Stay quiet! You don't want to wake him up! Talking backwards is sane for... Whatever Yoda is. You know something is wrong if they talk normal! You have to run for the hills when that happens!" Qui-Gon said.
"Ack! Look! He's using my special boxers with the chocolate cheesecakes on them as a blanket! Get them off him!" Obi-Wan yelled.
"Ok, first, why do you have boxers with chocolate cheesecakes on them? And, second, why are they special?" Qui-Gon raised an eyebrow.
"Mmm... Chocolate cheesecakes..." Obi-Wan started laughing and couldn't stop.
"Hey! Hey! Snap out of it! Oh, sith! Laughter always causes Yoda's kind to wake up. This is bad. I may be a bit on the old side, but Obi-Wan is too young to die! I need to stop him laughing," Qui-Gon said, worried.
First, the Master tried shaking his Padawan, but the idea failed. All the while, Yoda was snoring loudly. Then, Qui-Gon snapped in front of Obi-Wan's face; didn't work. The singing only made Obi-Wan to laugh more. Then a final idea came to Qui-Gon. "Ok, Obi-Wan. Sorry I have to do this to you," Qui-Gon said to himself, "Well, Obi-Wan, I was going to tell this to you later, but I'm not really a guy... I'm a woman... And I'm pregnant."
Obi-Wan Kenobi immediately stopped laughing and his jaw dropped. "You're kidding right? You are not really a woman! You can't be! That's not possible! I mean, sure, you have long hair, but... NO! You're lying! And pregnant? How will you be able to train me when you're eight months along and can barely stand? What will happen to me? Please, don't kick me out onto the streets or drop me off on some forsaken desert planet where I will meet some whiney blonde haired kid! You have to keep me! How else will you get such great food within the comfort of your own home? Oh, my banthas! Does the Council know about this? They're going to give you maternity leave aren't they? I mean, they can't have a pregnant woman going off on dangerous missions! They have to think of the baby! Do you know what it is yet? WAIT! WHO'S THE FATHER! Please don't tell me it's Poof! Is it completely human? Or is the father not human? Is that even possible? Would this make me an uncle? Or seeing how you were like my father, when I thought you were a guy, would it be a sibling? Uncle Obi-Wan... That has a nice ring. Ok, I think I can handle this now..." Obi-Wan regained his composure after having a panic attack.
"Padawan... Calm down. It's ok. I'm not really pregnant, and---" he was cut off.
"Oh, no! But you are a woman! I can't work with you anymore! I can't work with a master who pretends to be a man with long hair because she has a hormonal imbalance and has a beard. I can't be trained by a liar," Obi-Wan started to have another panic attack.
"No, Obi-Wan, it's ok. I'm not really a woman. I had to tell you that so you would stop laughing. If you kept laughing you would have woken Yoda. Then we all would be dead," Qui-Gon said mockingly, "Now we need to try to move him. Remove your special chocolate cheesecake boxers."
Obi-Wan carefully lifted the cheesecake boxers off of the old Jedi Master. Only to discover that underneath them, Yoda was wearing his second favorite boxers. "Master, this is too much. It wasn't so bad when he just used my favorite boxers as a blanket... But my second favorite, special pie boxers? This is insanity!" Obi-Wan protested, "He's wearing them! How can they be my second favorite special pie boxers when they'll never be clean again? And I can never wear them again? How could you let something like this happen? Why do you do this to me, Master?"
Qui-Gon raised a questioning eyebrow and asked, "Are you blaming this on me? How, may I ask, is this my fault?"
"Well, you never lock the door. I always lock the door. Because of your belief that the pathetic life forms won't steal from us, it's like an invitation for strange things entering our domain!"
The Master let out a sigh and admitted to himself that he should lock the door more often. He looked down at 'the strange thing' that had entered their 'domain'. He saw that Yoda was starting to wake up; he looked at Obi-Wan and saw that he was about to say something obnoxious. "Shh! Wait until he's fully awake... This is still a danger zone," whispered Qui-Gon.
Before realizing that there were other beings in the room with him, Yoda began to talk to himself. "Odd dreams did I have. Pregnant, Qui-Gon was, stated first in the dream. Dream second, old indeed I was, on swamp planet with a cave of evil, there was, blonde haired kid there was also, whiney he was," he said.
"Master Yoda, I believe you are missing the fact that you are old now as well," Obi-Wan snickered.
"Old not, am I. Know others of my race you do not. Much older than I there are," scowled the green Jedi Master, "Disturb you, hope not I did. Other place for sleeping, there was not. Unlocked the door was. In, myself, did I let."
Qui-Gon sighed, guessed at what his Padawan would say, and soon found out he was right. "See, Master! I told you already tonight to lock the door," Obi-Wan stated in a know-it-all matter.
"Obi-Wan Ben Kenobi, do not speak to your betters in that manner. I am the master and you shall respect my judgement. Besides, there's nothing that could manage it's way into the temple and then into our quarters that I can't handle," Qui-Gon was rather angry.
--Uh-oh! He used my middle name... He's mad--
"Large ego, you have, young Jinn. Listen to your Padawan you should," Yoda stated.
Obi-Wan burst out laughing. "Did you hear that, Master? He called you 'young Jinn'! He said you were young"
"Hey! Be quiet or else you're in for three weeks of cooking," Qui-Gon said," Now, Master Yoda, could you calmly explain what it is, exactly, that you were doing in my Padawan's underwear drawer."
"Find my rooms, I could not. No keys, the problem also was. Remembered, then I did, that ,renovated, my rooms were being. Wandered the halls for some time, mmm. Unlocked, I found your door. Too big the normal beds were. Opened drawers, but most contents were uncomfortable, they were. Exceptionally comfortable, Young Kenobi's underwear drawer was. Which fabric softener, is it, that you use?" Yoda asked, "Speak quietly, please, will you? Massive pain in my head, there is."
It dawned on the Padawan, why, exactly, it was that Yoda was in his underwear drawer. The night before, during his celebrating his victory, saw the green Jedi Master out drinking. "Master Yoda, if I may be so bold to suggest, I believe you were drunk last night and now have a hangover," Obi-Wan calmly explained.
"Master Yoda, even if you were drunk last night, I hardly believe it to be acceptable that you were sleeping in my Padawan's underwear drawer. May I suggest that, tonight, you stay in the Council Room? It would be quite empty," Qui-Gon offered.
A shocked look came to Yoda's green face. "Too sacred of a place, that is, for even one so esteemed as I to be sleeping in. Stay in your quarters, I must, for a short while," Yoda said.
"I hardly think..." Qui-Gon began to say, but was then cut off by Obi-Wan.
"WHAT? You're going to stay here? Where? Certainly not in my underwear drawer again? I mean, because of that, I'm disturbed. Scarred for life," Obi-Wan was going to continue, but was cut off by his Master.
"Yoda, I'm sorry, but I'm not overly please with the idea of you staying here," Qui-Gon said calmly.
"Option, it is not. Request, it is neither. Stay here, you mut let me," Yoda commanded.
--Won't this be wonderful. Now, not only to I have too cook for myself and Qui-Gon, but I also have to cook for a green thing that looks like a miniature troll. This will be an interesting time.--
END
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A/N I never understood why Obi-Wan decided to take up the name Ben during his exile on Tatooine. So I decided that it was his middle name, seeing how there are some people who one of my friend's know that go by their middle names. Also, this is my first Star Wars fanfic, so it's probably not that great.