Disclaimer: Not mine, never has been and never will be.

Fade to Black

Grissom

The church is packed with people. I recognize part of Nick's family among them. I'm surprised to recognize several victims and families of victims from cases Sara has worked on. I never realized she kept in touch with them. I never realized how she touched the lifes of so many people, including my own, until it was too late.

I'm standing alone in a dark corner. Jim has tried to convince me to sit with the rest of the team who are sitting in the front row of the church, but I cannot do that, it hurts too much. He asked me why I couldn't do this one thing for Sara, he asked if I couldn't just think of her instead of myself, just for this one time. I answered that it was too late to start doing things for her. I should have done them many years ago when there was just me and Sara, when there was this fragile young girl eager to learn everything I had to offer and then some, when there was no Catherine, no Warrick and no Nick. I watched her grow and stumble on the way. I watched her fight against authority and against herself. I watched her fall into unknown and dark depths, I watched her fall for me and I watched her fall in love. I watched, I observed and I denied what the evidence told me when she lost herself. When I lost her.

A cry in the back of the church announces her arrival. I fight against my desire to turn around and look at her once more as if she were mine. I lose.

It's not as if I haven't seen her, talked to her, touched her, since we have found her. I have, just not in the way I would have liked. I'm tired, I'm tired of these confusing feelings coursing through my body.

I look at her. She catches my eye, she turns away. Whatever we had is broken, I have pushed her one time too many, but I still love her.

She is beautiful, love suits her, motherhood suits her. Parenthood suits them both. Nick proudly holds their daughter. He smiles at Sara, she smiles back a small but beautiful smile. He kisses the top of her head while she tries to soothe her daughter, their daughter and not mine.

Her daughter is going to be baptized, she has every right to be happy. Who am I to deny her what she deserves?

And I, I find happiness in the worried glances she sends my way. Somehow the knowledge that they spent some time apart after she was saved reduces my misery. I hate myself for having these feelings. I wonder what is wrong with me.

I'm not haunted by the knowledge we never did find the psychopath who disappeared into thin air. My counselor tells me as long as I acknowledge these feelings everything is going to be just fine.

Fine, just fine.

Sara told me they would be just fine. I still felt the need to ask her if she was really happy. I knew I shouldn't have asked. I knew it wasn't my place to ask her this.

I didn't expect her to answer me and she didn't, she just nodded her head in the direction of Nick who was cradling their daughter and that answered my question more than words could ever do.

I lost, but she was saved and therefore we won.

FIN

A/N First of all thank you for all the lovely reviews. I'm glad you enjoyed reading this story, although I know you probably didn't like me very much along the way. But I did post this chapter way sooner than you expected, than I expected, some of your reviews just urged me to. Oh and I wanted to thank all of you who have kept me sane with your stories this past year. There is nothing better than end a day with a great N/S story;-)