Disclaimer: Resident Evil 4 and all of the characters and items in that game belong to Capcom and it's respected owners. They don't belong to me (this goes for chapter two as well).
A/N: I just wanted to say that there may be some slight spoilers for anyone who hasn't played Resident Evil 4, especially in the concluding chapter. So if you haven't played the game, you have been warned. Anyway, enjoy! And please give me feed back and constructive criticism if you have any!
Leon Vs Pueblo
---
It was early dawn. The cold chill of late fall had long since clamed the once vibrant colors of the small village of Pueblo and turned it a deathly gray. Everything had seemed this way, from the dying grass that took on a shade of brown to the withering trees that no longer produced leaves and the overwhelming silence that filled a certain farm in a deafening void of nothingness...
Nothingness that was soon shattered by the girlish screams and the hasty footsteps of a man with blond hair and a bomber jacket who ran quickly by.
"Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap!" He came and went, his voice fading away as he ducked into a barn.
Silence again it seemed. For a while the uneasy peace of Pueblo had returned. However, the peace was short lived. Angry shouts filled the area, belonging to a mob made up of twelve Pueblo villagers. The group stormed past the farm with torches raised and pitchforks in hand. It appeared they were looking for the man who had just ran by.
"Where is that punk!" One of the torch carrying villagers, the leader of the mob, rhetorically shouted at the top of his lungs in his native language.
"I don't know," A woman who had been standing next to the villager shouted in response, pointing over to the barn the blond man had ducked into. "over there!"
"Why are we shouting if we're standing next to each other!" A third villager shouted.
"Why are we carrying torches if it's day time!"
"I'm really hungry, can we just go home!"
"No!" The other eleven shouted and with that the mob suddenly quieted down.
"I think Victoria is right, he must have ducked into that barn." The leader pointed over to the barn and cautiously the rest of the mob began to make their way towards the building.
---
"Crap." Government agent Leon Kennedy leaned over far enough to catch a glimpse of the mob running towards the barn entrance. "What am I going to do!"
Suddenly a fatherly voice echoed behind him. "A peaceful solution is what this situation needs. Try talking it over with them."
Leon turned and snarled. "Oh shut up, Obi Wan. No body likes you."
Sniffing, the ghost of Obi-Wan hung his head and walked away quietly.
"Now..." Leon began, slowly raising to his feet and eyeing the approaching mob from the shadows, his trusty Blacktail grasped tightly in his gloved hands. "What would Sam Fisher do in this situation?"
---
"THERE HE IS!" The villagers storm into the barn, eyes flaring with anger as they fall on Sam Fisher.
"YOU SEE NOTHING!" Sam throws a bottle in a wide arch, it hits the far wall and shatters upon impact.
"What the hell was that!" They all turned to face the far wall.
"Haha. Sam Fisher wins again." Sam turns and makes a run for it. He, however, trips mid-run and lands face first in a bear trap.
"AAUUGGGHHH! My perfectly sculpted rugged and hardened military facial features! I am RUINED! Now they'll have to get someone qualified!"
Meanwhile...
"Good... good." Solid Snake rubbed his hands together, a gamecube controller resting on the couch next to him.
"You really need to stop killing Sam Fisher, Snake. It's just a game."
"Go back to having sex with your stepmother, Otacon. She misses you." Snake snarled.
Otacon burst into tears and ran crying from the room.
---
"It's perfect." Leon nodded, grabbing a conveniently placed empty bottle that was in the corner. Now all he had to do was wait...
Less than a moment later the villagers stormed into the barn, turning almost instantly to face Leon. "THERE HE IS!"
"You see nothing!" Leon flung the bottle with all his might. Unfortunately, his aim was never as good as Fisher's.
The bottle soared through the air and struck the leader of the mob in the face.
CRACK!
"OH MY GOD! MY FACE!" The bottle thudded against the ground, but not before breaking the leader's nose. The other villagers gasped at the sudden attack. "IT BURNS WITH THE POWER OF A THOUSAND SUNS!"
Leon's eyes widened as the villagers all slowly turned their attention to him again. Even the man with the broken nose looked up, an intense anger burning in his blood covered face.
He wasted no time in making a run for it.
"Ohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrapohcrap!"
"After him!" The all turned and began chasing Leon.
In the back Leon noticed a ladder that lead up to the next floor of the barn. Seeing as there wasn't anywhere else to go, he would have to take that route. Making his way to the ladder, Leon grabbed a cow and threw it to the ground in hopes to slow the villagers down.
"MOOO."
"Take that!" Leon smirked, beginning his climb up the ladder.
They all simply stepped over the fallen cow.
"Dammit." He spat, looking half way down the ladder. "I remember a time when no one could climb over obstacles!"
---
Racoon City, 1998.
"At last! I can see salvation!" Leon reached the end of the street, behind him an army of zombies approached.
"Haha! YOU LOSE!" He turned in an odd circle, pointing a finger at the slow moving wave of undead.
Another counter-clockwise turn brought Leon to face salvation, he than ran as fast as he could. "Haha! Only a matter of time now!"
Unfortunately he wasn't moving in any direction. "What? What's going on!"
He stopped running in place and looked down. "NOOO! Damn these ankle-high planks set obtrusively in the middle of the street!"
Leon then turned again to face the zombies who were now practically right on top of him. "What! NOOOOO!"
---
Leon brought up a hand to wipe away a stray tear. "Ah. Nostalgia."
"Hurry! Up here!" A female villager flung a pitchfork that narrowly missed Leon.
"Oh crap!" Leon scrambled up the ladder, bringing himself to the second floor of the building.
Once up there he turned to face the mob who stood on the first floor. His raised his hands it triumph. "Its over! I have the high ground!"
A hatchet flew from the first floor and hit Leon between the eyes. "OH MY GOD! THE PAIN!"
The hatchet clattered to the floor, Leon successful in wrenching the weapon free from his forehead with only a slight whimper. "Well at least they can't climb ladders."
Sure enough, the villagers began to climb up after Leon.
"Dammit! These people are like GODS! I hate the gamecube!"
"The gamecube is a fine system!" One of the villagers shouted as they neared the top of the ladder.
"Shigeru Miyamoto is a GENIOUS!"
"Oh shut up." Leon ran over and kicked the ladder, it fell backwards and three villagers that were climbing hit the ground with a loud thud, the others quickly jumped out of the way.
"Now." Leon turned and grabbed his side, slightly limping towards the back wall as blood poured freely from the hatchet-sized hole in the middle of his head. "Where can I find a green plant?"
Suddenly, he noticed a laptop that sat on a desk in the corner, the website on the computer was ebay. "Ahah!"
He then picked up the laptop and flung it with all his might into a cabinet next to the desk. It smashed open, revealing a green herb. "I knew these things were good for something."
"WILL YOU TAKE THE GREEN HERB? YES. NO."
Leon's eyes widened, his hand edging away from the herb. "Who the hell said that?"
After a long moment of silence Leon shrugged and picked up the green herb. "Ah the healing can now begin."
Reaching into a pocket of his bomber jacket Leon grabbed a roll of duct tape. The green herb was then placed over his forehead, directly on top of the large wound in his head that still gushed blood. Then, with his left hand he began to wrap the tape around the length of his head, keeping the herb directly on the wound. Once this was done the tape was cut and the roll was returned to his pocket. "Much better."
"Now, the killing can BEGIN!" Grabbing his Blacktail handgun again, Leon turned to face the area where he had just came--
And came face-to-face with the leader of the mob, his face covered in dark red blood.
"JUMPIN' JESUS!" Leon shrieked, jumping nearly out of his skin and backing up against the broken cabinet.
With wide eyes, Leon took aim at the leader's face with the Blacktail, gritted his teeth and pulled the trigger.
BAM!
"SWEET JESUS!" The leader stumbled from the impact of the bullet, nearly dropping to one knee, and held his face in pain.
"Bob!" The woman from earlier, Victoria, shrieked, flanking the leader's right side.
"Gah!" Leon gave a shriek of his own as the woman approached, pulling the trigger a second time, the bullet striking the woman in the thigh.
"IT BURNS!" The woman sunk to the floor, falling hard on her knees.
"You see! This is what happens when you mess with a GOVERNMENT AGENT!" Leon laughed and raised the gun again, turning to aim at the leader's stomach.
"Hasta luego!"
Click.
"!" Leon froze, hearing the resounding noise of an empty gun. The leader had already recovered from the face wound and was on Leon a second time.
Leon's eyes widened.
Click click click.
Nothing. The Blacktail was empty.
Leon backed up further, narrowly avoiding a swipe by the leader, his back firmly pressed against the broken cabinet. "How did it run out so fast!"
Just then, as if in answer to his question, a voice scolded him from the right. "You see? You should have gotten a Red9. The Blacktail is inferior to the Red9 because the Red9 is more powerful. The Blacktail can fire faster and holds a higher capacity but this will only mean that you will run out of bullets faster. And the amount of bullets you will need for the Blacktail means that the weapon technically takes up more space than the Red9."
"SHUT THE HELL UP." Leon turned and flung the empty Blacktail at the Red9 fan boy who appeared out of no where. "Everyone knows it's a matter of preference."
The butt of the gun slammed into the boy's head, his body knocked back from the attack and crashed through the window where he landed on a ledge outside.
An exit! Leon's mind raced as he scrambled out of the grasp of the quickly surrounding mob and towards the window. However, when his eye caught the sight of something sleek, black, and slightly broken he stopped in his tracks.
Reaching down, Leon scooped up the laptop he used to open up the cabinet, spun on his heel, and nimbly chucked the computer on Victoria, who had ran directly in front of the leader.
CRRAACCK.
The object shattered as it collided with her head, a massive spray of blood and gore exploding outward as her stalky body tumbled and fell off the second floor. The loud thump of her body hitting the ground below echoed through the barn.
Eleven.
"Victoria!" A member of the mob shouted, giving Leon the ample time to rush to the window and jump out, landing squarely on the fan boy's head outside.
Crunch!
Looking about his surroundings (which wasn't much) Leon attempted to locate a weapon he could use to thwart the ensuing mob. But what?
"Use the heart of the caaarrdds!" A voice echoed in is mind, a voice from his past.
"Stupid grandpa, always mumbling some weird stuff in his sleep." Leon made a strange face as he turned to his left--
And saw a deck of playing cards sitting on a cheap blue table complete with two wooden chairs (why these things were sitting on the ledge of a barn remained to be seen). "Hm."
"Hurry!" A voice shouted close by.
Leon wasted no time upon hearing the villagers. Rushing to the table, the government agent picked up the deck of cards in his hands and turned. Just in time to see a member of the village mob, a balding man with suspenders, leap through the window and land on the body of the fan boy.
"How about a game of cards!" Leon shuffled the deck once and quickly began to fling the cards at the balding man.
The man raised his arm, the first two cards (joker and two of clubs) struck his forearm. It took five more cards at the man's arm to lower his defenses.
"Augh! Paper cut!" The balding man's left arm drooped to his side, his right hand clasped over the tiny cut. "It stiiinnggss."
"Now it's time to finish this!" Leon growled, flinging the rest of the cards off the side of the ledge as he ran at the balding man.
Once close enough, Leon then reached into his pocket for the roll of duct tape from before. He pulled out a piece of tape about two inches long.
"What are you doing!" The villager's eyes widened as Leon approached with the duct tape in his hands
"Feel the FURY!" He growled, slapping the tape on the man's eyebrows. "The ANGUISH of wax-victims EVERYWHERE!"
Leon then ripped the tape off the man's face, taking his eyebrows with him.
"AIIEEE!" The balding man dropped to the floor in absolute pain.
Ten.
He didn't have time to celebrate, however, because as soon as the balding man sunk to the floor the image of the rest of the villagers came into view.
"Leave Gulliroy." One villager rumbled, the rest taking their time to step over poor Gulliroy, the man without eyebrows.
"Damn." Leon ran in the opposite direction of the mob, bounding over the table and chairs and leaping off the ledge completely, landing in a small section of land enclosed by a fence.
"He has no where to run!" A villager shouted, knocking the table and chairs off the side.
"We have him now."
As soon as his feet touched the ground the young government agent scrambled for something, anything, that he could use.
His hand grazed something stick like in nature, perhaps a blunt object he could use. "Ahah!"
The sounds of villagers footsteps were near, angry shouts getting louder and the sound of crunching grass echoing near by.
"Take this!" Leon swung around, slamming the body of a chicken into the face of a man in a hat and jacket.
"Ow!" The villager grumbled, holding his head. "That hurt!"
Leon grimaced, looking at his 'weapon'. He was holding the leg of a chicken who was obviously pre-occupied with flapping it's wings and getting the hell out of Leon's grasp.
Letting the chicken go, Leon grabbed the man's hat and pulled it down over his eyes.
"What the hell!" The man shouted, feeling around for Leon who had quickly ducked out of his reach, the man instead grabbing another villager in a green shirt who had attempted to sneak up behind Leon.
"This is for hitting me with a chicken!" The man with the hat over his eyes kicked the man in the green shirt right in the crotch.
FWUMP!
The green shirted man squealed, holding his crotch and slamming into the ground.
Nine.
The man then pulled his hat off his head, his brown eyes falling on the falling form of his comrade. "Oh no! I'm sorry Jean!"
Suddenly, someone grabbed the hat from the villager's hands. The man turned instantly and came face to face with Leon, who was holding his hat.
"You know, Thomas. This hat is UGLY!" Leon read the name printed on the inside of the hat, shouted in disgust, and threw it to the floor and stomped on it.
"NO!" Thomas dropped to his knees, gripping his head with his hands and slumping to the floor, dead.
Eight.
"Killed by the truth…" Leon said in pity, looking down upon Thomas.
"Don't let him go!" The leader shouted, watching in semi-horror as the American took out Thomas. "Surround him!"
Leon's eyes widened as the villagers spread out into a very large semi-circle, backing the government agent against the gate behind him. He now had no where to run, no where to escape to. This was it.
"It's over, American Scum!" The leader approached Leon, a pitchfork held tightly in his hands, the middle point of it dangerously close to Leon's throat.
Leon gulped, his head pressed firmly against the gate with his eyes focused in fright on the pitchfork. "W-what did I ever do to you!" Leon shrieked.
The leader growled in disgust. "You know damn well what you did, lousy American!"
Leon shrieked, the pitchfork coming even closer to his throat. "I never did ANYTHING!"
--Earlier--
"Ah, excuse me. Sir?" Leon approached the man tending to the fireplace, reaching into his pocket he withdrew a picture of the president's daughter Ashley Graham. "I was wondering if you might recognize the girl in this photograph?"
The man turned to face Leon and took a look at his picture. After a moment or two he spoke. "Oh yes. I know her. She passed through Pueblo on vacation. I believe she might still be here, I can take her to you if you want."
Leon immediately jumped back, his face turning into a mixture of shock and annoyance. Backing away from the man he lifted his hands, "Sorry to have bothered you."
"What are you talking about? You aren't bothering anyone. Please, sit, have a nice meal. We have lots of bread." The man reached over to give Leon a friendly pat on the back, but missed entirely when Leon rolled backwards.
Without wasting any time Leon withdrew his handgun and pointed it at the man's kneecaps. "Freeze. I said freeze you damn zombie!"
"What? I just--"
BAM!
"OH DEAR GOD! THE PAIN IS SHEER MADNESS!" The man hit the ground in a heap.
"That will teach you, you damn zombie." Leon exhaled and holstered the handgun, making his way towards the man's body.
Dropping to one knee Leon rolled the man over onto his back and then stopped. "He's not a zombie.."
"Of course I'm not a zombie! Why would I be a--"
"He's a TALKING zombie!" In fright Leon jumped to his feet and then proceeded to stomp on the mans head for five minutes until he was unconscious. "Finally. Evil has been vanquished!"
He then took the man's wallet. "I shall need evidence of what took place here."
Making his way to the next room where the stairs were; Leon noticed a small closet under the stairs. "Hmm I wonder what-- Oh my God."
Freezing, Leon's eyes fell on what had to be the biggest collection of bread he had ever seen. Bread. Everywhere bread. Delicious bread! "I shall need this for classified government sandwich making."
Leon then began to stuff his jacket with bread when the sound of voices filled the silence.
"Bob? Bob! Oh dear God, what happened?"
"More zomphiees." His eyes wide, a piece of bread wedged in his mouth, Leon moved as fast as his legs could take him.. up the stairs and out the window.
"What the hell!" The man who had rushed to Bob's aid jumped to his feet at the sight of movement.. but quickly returned to Bob's side when he began to stir. "Bob, speak to me... BOB."
Bob looked up at the man with pained eyes. "Luce, Blond... man..."
"What? Blond? ... Bob? Bob? BBBBBBBBBBOOOOOBBBBBB!"
---
"You killed Victoria's husband, Bob and stole his stock of delicious bread!" The leader, Luce, pulled the pitchfork back and lunged forward with it, attempting to strike Leon.
Seizing the moment, Leon ducked just as it slammed into the gate he had his back up against previously. With the pitchfork above his head Leon knocked it clean out of Luce's hands, the wooden and steel object flying high over the gate and landing on the other side.
"Now, you damn zombie, face the might of Leon in.." Leon edged towards the leader who's eyes were wide with shock, his hand grabbing the leader's hand in a lock-type formation. "THUMB WRESTLING."
"What the hell! Oh no!" Luce shouted in surprise, narrowly avoiding Leon's thumb, the rest of the group looking on hushed.
The match lasted all of two minutes, Luce's attempts at pining Leon's thumb were valiant, but in the end the years of government thumb wrestling training allowed him to prevail.
"ONE TWO THREE ONE TWO THREE ONE TWO THREE!" Leon shouted in triumph, Luce putting his free hand over his eyes in defeat.
Letting go of Luce's hand Leon moved behind the leader of the mob who had fallen to his knees. Reaching down, Leon grabbed the waistband on the leader's underwear and pulled it as far as it would stretch, slapping the underwear on the leaders head.
"MY WORLD IS AN ATOMIC WEDGIE!" Luce cried in anguish, falling over promptly. "Bob.. I am truly sorry.."
Seven.
"He killed Luce!"
"He's done it again!"
"I didn't even know atomic wedgies were possible!"
"GET HIM!"
"Hiya!" Leon reached into his pocket and sprung at a female villager near by, smacking her across the face with the loaf of bread he had been saving for later.
The woman stumbled from the hit, the other villagers springing into motion to aid her.
"Hutta!" Thwack! He hit her in the head again with the bread, this time she went down.
Six.
"He is attacking with bread!" Leon turned to face another villager.
"Gulliroy!" His eyes widened as they came upon a man that looked exactly like Gulliroy. "You grew your eyebrows back!"
"No. I am Gulliver. I am obviously a different man. Can you not tell from my beanie?" Gulliver pointed to his blue beanie he wore on his hat.
"I don't care if you're wearing a hat." Leon charged Gulliver, bread gripped tightly in his hand.
THWACK! POW! Leon smacked him around with the bread, but it was useless. Gulliver was invincible.
"How is this possible!" He questioned.
Gulliver grinned as he ripped the bread from Leon's hands and promptly ate it.
"It is delicious."
"Leon. His beanie gives him power, you must rid him of it!"
"I said GO AWAY Obi-Wan!" Leon growled, Obi-Wan jumping at the sudden outburst and running away.
"Ok, Mr. Beanie lets see you handle-- oh crap!" Gulliver took a large swipe with a hatchet at Leon's head who luckily dodged at the last minute.
The hatchet swung and collided with a wooden crate that had been behind Leon. CRACK.
Unfortunately for Gulliver some idiot accidentally put a snake in that crate.
"Jesus! It's a snake!"
"Gotcha." Leon said, grabbing Gulliver's beanie, just as the snake lunged for Gulliver.
"AHH!" He and the snake collided and hit the ground with a dull thump.
Five.
The mob of five angrily approached Leon, who quickly found himself, again, backed up against the gate. Quickly, Leon came up with a plan.
He raised his arm and pointed off into the distance. "LOOK! It's Tony Danza."
"Where!" One of the villagers demanded, all of them turning instantly in a desperate attempt to see their hero.
"Tony Danza isn't here!" Another villager snarled in anger, moving back to face--
Nothing.
Leon was gone.
"Where did he go?" One of them asked, looking around the small enclosed area.
But it was of no use, Leon was no where to be found…
---
Concluded Next Chapter.