The Ultimate Anti Mary-Sue
Aranel and Encaitarë
Legolas looked up sharply from the blade he had been polishing and stiffened. He had heard a peculiar clamor behind him.
"Uh, like, hi!" a voice said suddenly, startling the elf to his feet. He turned and beheld the speaker. It was a girl, about thirteen or fourteen years old, with brown hair and brown eyes. She was a particularly homely girl; one almost to make you cringe at the sight. Legolas continued to stare, perplexed.
"Whoa, dude!" said she. "Like, I can't believe I, like, totally got to, like, Middle-earth! I, like, wanna go, like, totally meet, like, everyone! Blah, blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada!"
"What?" asked Legolas, his eyes as big as doughnuts. He decided to vacate the scene quietly. He slid the sword into its scabbard and strode stealthily away, leaving the odd creature chattering excitedly to herself.
"Hey, dude," she called after him, "like, where are you goin'?" The elf halted in his tracks, sorry he had been caught. He had to think of an excuse—quick!
"I am going…I'm going to…to the Council of Elrond," Legolas answered hastily, turning swiftly around. "And I am in a rush. So, I'm very sorry, but I must be off!"
Legolas left the clearing rapidly, only to notice that the odd girl was following him.
"Um…excuse me," said Legolas, "but have you nowhere to go?" She seemed puzzled as she shook her head.
"Very well then," said Legolas, "you may stay in Mirkwood until you find somewhere else to go. Come along."
"Ah…ok, thanks!" she said. "Oh, like, my name's, like, Emily. Emily-Jane. Like, what's yours?"
"Legolas," he answered, feeling a bit bothered.
"Like, no, you're not!" protested Emily-Jane. "You don't look anything like Orlando Bloom! He's, like, so hot. Like, yeah!"
"What?" asked Legolas in wonder. Then he decided that this was simply too much for him.
"I'm really very sorry," said he, "but I must be going." He took off sprinting and easily lost Emily-Jane within a few seconds. Legolas soon entered the city and made himself scarce, just in case the insane girl somehow managed to turn up.
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The next day, Legolas arrived in Rivendell for the meeting. (He had told Emily-Jane that he had to attend the day before as an excuse. He wasn't late at all.)
"Legolas! Legolas!" he heard the familiar annoying voice of Emily-Jane calling out from behind him. He turned hesitantly.
"Um…hello, Emily," he said. "How—how did you get here?"
"Oh, I was, like, wandering around in the woods, like, trying to find my way out after you, like, totally ditched me, when this elf-dude, who was totally hot, I might add, was, like, riding by and I, like, asked him if he'd give me a lift to, like, 'Council of Elrond' or whatever. He, like, told me that that was cool 'cause he was so going there himself anyways. Once we got here, he, like, totally disappeared. I saw him once, but he, like, started sprinting away, which was, like, really strange because I, like, totally shouted his name. And I know he, like, totally saw me."
Legolas could guess well why this had happened. His horse began to shy to the left, so he used this as an opportunity to get away.
"My horse is a bit squirrelly," he admitted slyly. "I had best take him to the stables." He rode off, leaving Emily-Jane alone again.
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When the Council had concluded and the Fellowship was named, Emily-Jane decided that she wanted to go with them since Legolas was one of the Fellowship members. She volunteered to go along, but was denied for obvious reasons. However, Emily-Jane would not be cowed so easily. Not she. She decided that she would follow along at a distance. So all that day she stayed on their trail, growing more and more tired every minute. She wasn't used to that sort of thing. She was far more accustomed to sitting in front of her computer writing Mary-Sues. This became such a problem that by that night, she was absolutely exhausted, cold, hungry, and all alone. She could see the welcoming orange glow of the Fellowship's campfire in the distance with vague black figures moving in front of it now and again. She decided that she could stand it no more. She would reveal herself. That is exactly what she did. The looks on the Fellowship's faces were absolutely classic. They all leapt up in a shock. Legolas' mouth was dry. He, of everyone, was the most terribly disappointed that she had showed up. This was because he knew that they couldn't leave her now and they also couldn't go back. She told them her plight and Gandalf finally came to a noble but rather difficult decision.
"You are a very naughty and impertinent young lady," he began, "but regardless, you will have to accompany us for a time…but only until we reach a civilized town. There, you WILL stay."
"Like, ok," she said. "That's cool with me."
After Emily-Jane finally ceased chatting and fell asleep, the Fellowship was allowed a bit of sleep. Following several uneventful days during which everyone was annoyed out of their senses by Emily's nonsensical flow of talking, they decided to go over Caradhras. They figured that if they went somewhere cold, Emily-Jane wouldn't have the energy to keep talking. However, when they reached the snow, she began to whine even more than she had talked before.
"I'm, like, so cold!" she whimpered. "Who, like, wanted to, like, come this way anyway? Like, whose idea was it? All right, like, cough it up, people! Whose idea was it?"
But after hours upon hours of this, the Fellowship heard only:
"Blah…blah…blah…BLAH!…blah…BLAH!...blah…blah…yada…YADA!...yada."
They were so annoyed with her that they decided to go through the Mines of Moria. So they did. Emily-Jane's whining eased up a bit. Instead, she said things like:
"This place smells funny! Like, are we there yet? It's, like, creepy in here! I can't see!" Finally, Gandalf grew so exasperated, he bellowed:
"SILENCE!"
Now, that was an immense mistake. As the echoes faded into oblivion, they heard out of the stillness "drums, drums in the deep."
"Run!" yelled Gandalf.
"I don't want to!" protested Emily-Jane.
"Good," said Legolas jovially. "I hope the Goblins enjoy their meal." He took off sprinting, halfway hoping that she would get eaten.
"AHHH!" she yammered. "Wait for me!"
Dang it! they all thought to themselves.
As you know, Gandalf went all heroic and challenged the Balrog mano a mano. And—we all know how that turned out! After Gandalf took the plunge, the rest of the Fellowship and their little bane of their existences escaped from the mines and went on to Lothlorien. There, the Fellowship tried to leave her, but Lady Galadriel strongly resented even the thought. Thus, they were forced to take her along in the canoes. They all proceeded to argue about whose canoe she would ride in. They decided that they would arm-wrestle over it. Legolas and Gimli won.
"All right," said Aragorn, "you won. That means you have to have her."
"What!" cried Legolas and Gimli in unison. "We won! We shouldn't have to have her, you should!" However, in the end, (and with a bit of fiscal coaxing on the part of Aragorn and the others) they conceded. She chattered constantly for days, until both Legolas and Gimli had very serious thoughts of pushing her overboard. Nevertheless, miraculously, they restrained themselves. The sleek white canoes surged smoothly through the aquamarine colored water, until they finally reached the Falls of Rauros. They put to shore and things happened like normal. Everyone else went off to fight, but Legolas was forced to stay and "guard" Emily-Jane. Soon, he couldn't stand the thought of not being there to help his friends repel the Uruk-hai. Therefore, he did what seemed the most efficient for achieving his freedom from Emily-Jane. He tied her to a tree and went off to fight. Everything happened as usual. Boromir became a pin-cushion, the Hobbits, Merry and Pippin, were captured, while Frodo and Sam went on to Mordor alone. Thus, the remnant, Legolas, Aragorn, and Gimli, became constrained to rescue their captured friends.
"Do we have to take the Pain in the Neck along?" asked Legolas forlornly. "I mean, Emily-Jane?"
"Of course we do," said Aragorn sorrowfully. "Legolas, you're the strongest. You'll have to carry her, being that she can't run fast enough to keep up with us."
"No, oh, no!" sobbed Legolas miserably. "Please, no!" However, as Sam would say, "there was nothing for it." He had to carry her. The three figures sprinted day and night across the plains, lugging their "Carry-on Bag," resting infrequently. By then, they had all shoved cotton in their ears so as not to hear any more of Emily-Jane's complaining.
Finally, they ran into Eomer and went to Edoras. There, they discovered that an army of Uruk-hai was marching on Rohan. Therefore, King Theoden ordered his people to make for the fortress of Helm's Deep. He sent Emily-Jane with them. But she was far too clever for that! She escaped from the women, found a sword, and followed behind the Rohirrim. Soon, they ran into an army of Wargs sent from Isengard.
I can fight too! Emily-Jane told herself. She joined the army and went against a Warg and its rider. The orc neatly lopped her head off with his sword before she could do a thing. Then, the Warg ate her.
Legolas had seen it all out of the corner of his eye, and the tears began to form. No one but he knew that they were tears of joy.
Finis