Hi! I'm back!

So, here we go with chapter eleven. I wish Mother was here—she loves to cry. Lol, that's a quote from the fifth season of MASH—Colonel Potter said that when two Koreans were getting married at the 4077th and Potter was giving the bride away.

Oh, and writingtiger? The reason why Vicky is kinda. . . er, angry at the world is because of something you'll find out as the story goes along. You'll see, she'll mellow out—it just takes a bit of time.

And so, without further adieu, I present to you chapter 11!

Disclaimer: No, I do not own MASH. If I did, believe me when I say that I would die a happy girl.

Quote of the Day:

(Col. Potter and B.J are trying to pursuade a concubine to give up her. . . uh, office so they could use it for a new O.R after they bugged out)

Concubine: Business before war!

B.J: That's what makes America great.

What The Hell Is Going On?

Chapter 11

All Hell Breaks Loose Part 2

"BABY COUSIN!!"

Usually, if things had been slightly different, I would have shouted at him to put me down. But seeing as how things were as they are, I was actually really happy to see him.

"Mark!" I laughed. My cousin set me down, and I turned to face him. It's too bad he's gay, seeing as how he's really my third cousin—but then, my entire family likes to keep in touch with one another.

"Ah, still developing, I see," he said out of the blue. Suddenly I wasn't so happy to see him.

"Please, let's make this a NICE visit," I said through gritted teeth. Mark waved his hand airily. That's when I noticed just what he was wearing. A pale pink dress shirt—very frilly, very lacy, very girly.

And very gay.

My gaze dropped lower. Were those SILK pants?

Yep, white silk, glinting in the sunlight. Black dress shoes, shiny as ever. He always keeps himself extremely clean. . . Just. Like. Frank.

"He he he he he he. . ." I snickered evilly.

"Oooo, Vicky-chan (he enjoys speaking in Japanese—one of his ex-boyfriends' was from Japan and he taught Mark the language), you naughty girl! You know I swing the other way," I heard Mark laugh.

My face heated up in embarrassment. My head snapped up to meet his gaze. I glared my worst glare.

"What makes you think I'd even be remotely interested in YOU?!" I shrieked. Now I remembered another reason why I wasn't too fond of hanging around my cousin, even if I did love him; he was a very conceited man.

"I'm kidding," Mark laughed. I resisted the urge to roll my eyes. I swear, he could be so obnoxious. "Oh, shut up," I grumbled. To save myself from the risk of tearing his organs out, I decided to put the first part of our plan into action.

"So. . . Mark," I began, smiling in what was probably a sly way. "I've got a. . . distant relative visiting for a while that I think you'd be interested in."

"Is that so?" Mark asked, sounding rather bored. I nodded. "Yep. He's in the army—" At this, a sort of lusty-ish gleam came into Mark's eye "—and he's also VERY PATRIOTIC. He's taking time out of his very busy, very hard, and very LONELY schedule to come visit me. I believe that he needs a lover—you know, someone who'll hold him, admire him, adore him. . ." I watched his face closely. He looked. . . hungry.

"Wanna give it a shot?" I finished. He looked down at me and smiled charmingly. "Absolutely. He sounds. . . very interesting," Mark said smoothly. He licked his lips. I mentally retched."GOOOOD," I cooed, mentally jumping around with joy.

Then I remembered what Mark was wearing. If Mark continued to wear that, Frank would know that my cousin was gay. Fortunately, Mark will do anything to make an army guy attracted to him.

"There's just one little thing—he prefers masculinity. He doesn't like any of that pink, girly stuff. Oh, and he also likes it when you play hard to get. Drives him crazy, even if you can't tell," I added quickly. Mark smiled lazily.

"Not a problem, Vicky-chan. I have just the thing in my car. I'm prepared for anything," he said, giving me the Boy Scout's salute—which was pretty stupid, seeing as how he was kicked out of the boy scouts after only the first four meetings for wearing dresses, bringing Barbie dolls, and trying to kiss the scout master's son.

"Ok, great," I said happily. Then I noticed that hismetallic greenSUVwasn't anywhere in sight. "Uh, wait a minute, where's your car?" I asked. He couldn't have walked from the airport because a) it was miles from here and as hard as it is to believe, there are a bunch of weirdos that wander around, and b) he didn't have his luggage with him.

"Oh, I parked down the street a couple blocks away. I wanted to surprise you, seeing as how you're always outside when I arrive. Besides, I needed the exercise anyway," he said briskly, waving his hand dismissively. I rolled my eyes. 'God,' I thought mournfully. 'Why do you hate me?'

I sighed, shook my head, and said to Mark, "Alright, well, go get your stuff and change down in the basement. Use the outdoor entrance so Frank—that's my relative's name—won't see ya."

Mark's eyes got all dreamy and cloudy, kinda like how our cow's does when she gets brushed. "Frank," he breathed, saying Ferret Face's name like it was something special. "Just saying it makes me all a tingle. It has a certain. . . something special added to it. . . It's almost magical. . ."

I stared at him in disgust. I don't care if a person's gay or not, it's just the fact that he's talking about Ferret Face. I frowned and said in my best stern voice, "Ok, all that 'magical' and 'all-a-tingle' crap has to go! Remember, he likes manly men. Put those acting skills to work! You didn't go to that stupid academy and take all those acting lessons just to let them go to waste, did ya?"

"Of course not, Vicky-chan," he said dramatically. "You're right! Ah, it's so unfortunate that such a smart brain is stuck inside such a flat-chested, underweight, thin-haired little thing like you."

And with that, he skipped away. Now, I'll admit that it did sting—my appearance is kind of a touchy subject for me. I'm not exactly a super-model, if you know what I mean. But then I remembered my plan, and realized that everything was working out the way it was supposed to. Once I knew my cousin was out of earshot, I promptly let out a great big whoop and performed my own little victory dance.

Part A of operation 'FRANKIE GOT FINGERED' was now complete. I paused from my little dance to look up at the sky. I wondered how Hawkeye and Trapper were doing with Part B. . .

-Hawkeye and Trapper-

Hawkeye peered at Frank over the top of his cards. The major was currently polishing his boots and whistling to the tune of 'The Three Stooges'. The captain couldn't help but grin. So far, Vicky's plan was going perfectly. Hawkeye had to admit that she was a pretty clever kid, even if she did look like a twelve-year-old.

Hawkeye and Trapper were pretending to play poker, but what they were really doing was waiting for the perfect time to begin Part B of Vicky's plan. The two captain's eyes met, and they nodded simultaneously.

It was time.

"Say Frank," Hawkeye began, making sure to keep his tone casual, "you remember Granny (A/N: Just so ya know, the grandmother told all the members of the 4077th to call her granny. Why, I don't know, I just made the woman up, ok?) telling us about Vicky's cousin Mark coming to visit?"

Frank looked up, scowling.

"Yeah, so what? What's it to me if that brat's cousin is coming over?"

Hawkeye felt a twinge of anger mixed with annoyance. He was getting kinda fond of the kid—all of them were, except for Hot Lips and Ferret Face—so he didn't exactly like the fact that Frank was calling Vicky a brat. Trapper seemed a bit annoyed as well.

However, Hawkeye forced her anger down and spoke, keeping his tone idle. "Right, Frank, well you see the thing is, her cousin is considering joining the army. And we figured that since you're second-in-command of the 4077th, a major, and the most military man in the unit, you could take him under your wing and be a sort of, you know, role model for him."

Trapper nodded in agreement and added, "Of course, we couldn't do it, seeing as how we're heathens and are two of the most unmilitary beings ever to walk on the face of the Earth, aside from Klinger."

By now, Frank's chest was so puffed out with pride, it almost looked like he had breasts—which is seriously disgusting, once you think about it.

"So what do ya say, Frank?" Hawkeye asked, grinning. "WEEEEEELLLLL. . . Ok! After all, I can't let a poor boy with the potential to be a real soldier fall into the hands of two bleeding hearts like you," Frank said, a slimy smile plastered onto his face as he pulled his boots on.

"Well put, Frank," Hawkeye said as Frank walked out, whistling the National Anthem and probably going to go brag to Margaret about what just happened.

"You know, it's a pity that this isn't a real poker game," Trapper said as Hawkeye threw down his cards. "Why's that," the dark-haired surgeon asked, yawning and stretching his arms above his head. "Because I have a full house!" Trapper laughed, showing his cards to Hawkeye.

-Vicky-

While Mark changed downstairs in the basement and Frank was off doing who-knows-what, Hawkeye, Trapper, and I waited up in my room. "Did you talk Klinger into wearing normal clothes so he won't distract Mark?" I asked the two surgeons, whispering. "Yep. We had to tell him the plan of course, but he swore he wouldn't tell," Trapper whispered back.

I smiled. "B-E-A-utiful," I said. "Now let's begin Part C."

Oh dear, Mark has landed! What chaos and disorder is in store for Frank in the next chapter? Guess you'll have to tune in and find out! Ok, I'll be seeing ya! Oh, and as a Christmas present, I'll allow each reviewer who reviews for this chapter to appear in the next one! It may be brief, and if you're lucky, ya may show up in even later chapters.

Also, I have a serious question. Do you think I should end this story after Hawkeye, Trapper, Henry, and the others leave, or should I move on to the part where Hawkeye and the others appear, except for B.J. and Colonel Potter replace Trapper and Henry, and then so on and so forth? Let me know! E-mail me if you have any ideas! Happy Christmas!

Kitty Kat-chan