I'm baaaaaaaaaaaack! I hope all of you had a happy and wonderful Christmas!

I thank you all for the wonderful reviews. Well, here's the poop: I've always planned for this to be a long story. And I plan to stick with that decision. The reviews that you all sent me have also helped me make my choice. Therefore. . . I'm not ending this story after Trapper, Henry and the rest leave! Well, actually, I'm kind of combining it with Kooshball's idea; in the chapter after they leave, Vicky's gonna walk around and find things that the MASH people left behind. Then at the very end, the MASH people will return, only this time with Potter and B.J.

You see, I've been studying sequels and such, and I've discovered that they don't get as much attention as the first. So the story will continue after they leave, then come back with B.J. and Potter. Thanks ya'll!

Oh, and to Kooshball's question: yes, I have seen Bruce Almighty recently—I've got the DVD. Why do ya ask?

Quote of the Day:

Nurse: You're married, aren't you?

Henry: That's alright, so's my wife!

What The Hell Is Going On?

Chapter 12

OPERATION: FRANKIE GOT FINGERED

I stood in front of Mark's door and quickly ran over the plan again in my head. Hawkeye and Trapper had made a few changes. Now there was a wedding added to Part C. I shook my head. How those two came up with these things, I'll never know. . .

I poked my head into Mark's room and smiled at him. "Hiya, cousin. How ya doin'?" I asked. Mark looked up from his book and smiled. He was now dressed in a white shirt, blue jeans, and sneakers. His hair was tied back.

"Oh, I'm doing alright, I suppose. When do I meet Frank?"

"All in good time, all in good time," I soothed. "Be patient for now. Are ya comfy?" Mark shrugged. "I suppose," he sighed. "GOOOOOOD," I cooed, then closed the door.

"He he he he he he he he. . ." I snickered, rubbing my hands together. All the pieces were coming together. Now I just had to make a few phone calls. . .

"Yes, that's right, my cousin's getting married tomorrow," I said into the phone. Hawkeye and Trapper were right beside me, listening in on the cordless phone while I was on the one that had a cord. I was talking to Carlos, owner of the most famous (and cheapest) Mexican restaurant in town, 'Garcia's Fiesta.'

Thankfully, Carlos seriously owed me—I watched his two kids one Saturday night for free because he had to go bail his great uncle out of jail—the old man was caught streaking down the highway after being thrown out of a bar. It took two and a half hours just to fill all the paperwork out.

"Which one? The gay one?" Carlos asked. "Yep," I said. "Say Carlos, do ya think you could cater the wedding? I'll pay ya, but could you charge us half price?"

"Sure Vicky, I'll do that. Can I also get front row seats?"

"We'll see. Muchas gracias, mi amigo."

"De nada. Adios."

"Adios," I said, then hung up. Then I picked the phone back up and began to call "Father" Eustace—he wasn't really a Father. Well, actually he is, but he doesn't teach sermons or anything. He's actually the only person in this town who'll marry two people of the same sex—and he'll do it for a good old-fashioned case of homemade gin.

"Father Eustace?" I asked when I heard his voice. "This is Victoria Turner, Mortimer Turners grandkid. You got a minute?"

"Victoria?" I heard him ask; his voice was slurred. He must've been drinking. "What're you callin' me for? Your granddaddy in trouble or somethin'?"

"No sir. I was just wondering if you would be so kind as to perform a marriage ceremony tonight." I held my breath, praying that he'd say yes or that his schedule wasn't booked or something. Gay people from all over South Carolina came to him to get married. I think he was one of the three people in the state that had a legal license to perform gay marriages.

"Weeeeeeeeeeeelllllll. . . I dunno kid. I'm a pretty busy man—my schedule's pretty booked. Which cousin are we talking about?" he guffawed loudly, then gave a very loud and very wet hiccup. Unfortunately, time for us was running short, and Hawkeye was getting impatient.

"Mark, Eustace, she's talking about Mark! Who else would she be talking about?" Hawkeye yelled into the phone. "Hawkeye, stop it! Don't mess this chance up!" I hissed at him, pressing the phone to my chest. He waved his hand at me, as if to say 'Don't worry about it.'

"Wha? Who was dat?" Eustace slurred. I flinched; I could just picture Eustace's large, fat body swaying, his ugly, wrinkled face flushed red from the alcohol, and drool hanging from his almost toothless mouth.

"That's just my Uncle Hawkeye. Ignore him, he hasn't taken his medication," I said, glaring at my "uncle." He crossed his eyes at me. "Really you two, these public displays of affection have got to stop," Trapper whispered to us. Hawkeye hit him in the back of the head and I kicked him in the shin.

"What'll ya give me if I do this?" Eustace asked. He guffawed again. "A whole case of my Granny's gin," I said firmly. That shut him up. True, Pop made pretty good gin, but Granny's was legendary. I've heard men (and a few women) say that her gin was just a little bit of heaven blessed upon our town.

"Really. . ." Eustace said slowly. Then he belched—a loud, wet, and totally disgusting burp. "Ugh," I said, disgusted beyond all reason. "What charming manners he has," Trapper said sarcastically.

"Alright, kid. I'll do it. Date and time?"

I nearly jumped out of my skin with joy once I heard him say that. "Tomorrow around 7:30 PM," I said breathlessly. "All right, all right. . . See ya," he said, then he guffawed some more. Then there was the dial tone.

"Hallelujah!" I cheered as Hawkeye and Trapper laughed. "What next?" Hawkeye asked when we finished celebrating. "The wedding guests, and then we decide who the best man, ushers, maid of honor, and brides maids are—Radar's gonna be the ring bearer. On of my friends can be the flower girl," I replied, wiping a happy tear from my eye.

"Well what are we waiting for? Let's get this party started!" Trapper exclaimed, shoving the phone into my face.

Finally, suppertime came.

"Come on, Mark! I'm hungry, I'm sure you look fine!" I shouted through the door. I had been standing out there for 5 whole freakin' minutes, and God dammit, I was hungry!!!

"I'm reeeeeeeaaaaady!" Mark sang, leaping out of his room. "Good, now let's go," I grumbled, starting towards the kitchen. "And remember," I added, looking over my shoulder at him. "Act manly. You got that, Fairy Princess?"

"I've always wanted to be a Fairy Princess," Mark sighed. I rolled my eyes. "Only in America," I muttered under my breath.

Mark immediately spotted Frank once he entered the room—he had to, Frank was the only one wearing fatigues. The only male, anyway. And I could tell immediately by his wide eyes and gaping mouth that my cousin had fallen in love. I don't know why. Frank's no Brad Pitt, if you know what I mean.

"Uncle Frank," I said once we were face to face, "I'd like you to meet my cousin Mark. Mark, this is my uncle, Major Frank Burns."

"Nice to meet you," Mark said, smiling lazily. They shook hands. "So, I'm told that you want to join the army," Frank said. My cousin gave me a startled look. I nodded quickly. Mark turned back to Ferret Face and nodded.

"That's correct sir. It's a dream I've had since I was a kid."

'Nicely put, cousin,' I thought, grinning to myself. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Hawkeye and Trapper gesturing to me.

"Well, I'll just leave you two alone," I said before casually slipping away. I collapsed into a seat beside Trapper. "Phew!" I exclaimed, wiping pretend sweat from my forehead. "So? How'd it go?" Hawkeye asked eagerly. I looked up and grinned. "Mark has fallen deeply and passionately in love with Frank, who is absolutely convinced that my cousin wants to be a soldier of the American army. I'd say things are goin' pretty darn well," I said, grinning from ear-to-ear.

Through all of dinner, the three of us watched Mark and Frank get acquainted with each other. Hawkeye and Trapper were a bit worried that maybe I had been wrong when I said that Mark loved Frank, because my cousin seemed to be paying more attention to what Frank was saying than to Ferret Face himself. But I knew my cousin—if Mark wasn't interested in Frank, then he'd be scarfing his food down. However, the most Mark was doing right now was nibbling at a single lettuce leaf of his salad.

"Are you sure your cousin even likes Frank?" Trapper asked me worriedly ten minutes after dinner started. I nodded confidently. "Absolutely," I assured. "He's been chewing on that piece of lettuce since dinner started. Normally, he'd be halfway done by now."

Yeah, things were looking pretty good.

After dinner, Mark pulled me into his room. "Well?" he asked nervously. I raised one eyebrow. "Well what?" I asked in a bored tone.

"What did he say? About me?"

I grinned. "Well," I said, pretending to sigh. "This was supposed to be a surprise, but. . ." I looked at him and grinned. "Mark," I said slowly. "Frank. . . Frank wants to marry you!"

At first, Mark was completely still, his eyes wide and his mouth gaping. I held my breath. And then my cousin started bouncing around, laughing hysterically.

"He wants to marry me! He wants to marry ME!" my cousin chanted, positively giddy. Meanwhile, I smiled in the background.

Yep, everything was working out juuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuust fine.

Well, there ya go! Chapter. . . 12. Sniff. I feel all. . . warm and fuzzy inside.

Well, time for good news (and bad news)—my friend, the one that was scratching at her wrists, was released Tuesday (here in America) and is now living very happily back with her family. She says that the medication is working wonderfully. Yay!

And now for the bad news. . . I don't know if I've told you or not, but my sister has been in the hospital recently. In fact, she even had to spend all of Christmas time in there! Those damn doctors don't know what's wrong, AND IT'S MAKING ME SERIOUSLY PISSED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So, some chapters may be rushed or late. Sorry!

Also, I know I said people who reviewed would be in this chapter, well, I'm really sorry but it's gonna have to wait for the next one! My time with the computer is cut short now, thanks to my mother. PLEASE DON'T BE MAD!!

And now, since Christmas is sadly over, New Years has begun. So, let's welcome 2005 with open arms! Boo-ya!

Alright! Now, go down to that pretty purple button and leave a nice note for Kitty Kat-chan! Domo arigato! Ja ne!!