Note: This is written in third person perspective, mainly because it's a guest chapter, and partly because I (Kooshball) can.
What the Hell is going on?
Chapter 17 by Guest author Kooshball
Edited by the Extremely Lazy and Uninspired Kitty Kat-chan
Day at the Mall (Wanted: Better chapter title)
Vicky should have been grateful. She had a day off school, and it was thanks to Hawkeye and Trapper. But instead, she was annoyed.
"Goddamn MASH characters are ruing my LIFE!"
See? Maybe it was the fact they rang up the school. What if someone had recognised them? Maybe it was the fact they'd made up some horrible disease that she supposably caught that had Trapper screeching like a monkey.
"A effin' monkey, for god sakes!"
Yeah, the monkey had probably been the final straw.
"Hey, what are you worried about?" Hawkeye asked. "We got you out of school for the day, right? What are you complaining about?" He and Trapper were sitting on the couch in the living room, while Vicky paced in front of them, a sour look on her face.
"You've got the school believing I was screaming like a monkey," she said, not even pausing from her pacing. Trapper gave one of his grins.
"It was pretty funny, though," he said. The grin quickly disappeared when Vicky stopped pacing to glare at him. The doorbell rang, and Vicky looked up at the ceiling.
"It can't get any worse, can it?" she asked the ceiling. "Please tell me it doesn't get worse."
There was a high pitched scream from the front door, and a yelp from Klinger, who must have gone to answer it.
"It got worse," Hawkeye muttered to Trapper.
Vicky gave Hawkeye and Trapper another look.
"Stay," she commanded, pointing a finger at them. Hawkeye and Trapper just smiled innocently at her.
"It's like she doesn't trust us," Trapper said. They waited until Vicky had left the room, then stood up to follow her.
Vicky walked to the front door, swearing under her breath. Hawkeye and Trapper kept their distance, the girl seemed to be in a very ugly mood, and they didn't want to try pushing it too much. At the front door, Klinger was trying to fight off a nineteen year old blond wearing jeans and a pale green top, who was obviously excited.
"I knew it was you guys," she was saying. "Ever since Sara said something at the wedding, I knew it was you! Damn, Klinger, how the hell did you get here?"
Vicky knew many sorts of crazy. Her grandmother, her cousin Mark, and a few others, they were all crazy. But Izzy, her weirdness was… unique. (A/N: At this point I, Kitty, who is editing, would like to point out that Vicky has no room to talk. We all know that this blonde headed bombshell should be locked up in a padded room, safe from society--she and Izzy both).
After moving to Cottageville to live with her Aunt, Izzy had made crazy claims of living in 1951 for several months, until being threatened a visit to a psychiatrist. Izzy had been a huge MASH fan, but refused to watch it. When asked why, Izzy would just smile and shrug before changing the subject quickly.
"Who is she? How does she know my name?" Klinger hissed at Vicky, trying to push her away. Hawkeye and Trapper were sniggering quietly.
"Izzy," Vicky said to the older girl, forcing a smile onto her face. "What are you doing here? Don't you have work?"
"Day off," Izzy said with a smug smile. "I figured we had time to go over your cousin's wedding tape before you headed off to school." Izzy's eyes strayed from Vicky, and she gave a grin. "Hey, Hawkeye," she said. Vicky whipped around, seriously feeling pissed off that Hawkeye and Trapper had followed her.
"Hawkeye, Trapper, Klinger, this is Izzy," Vicky said through gritted teeth. Izzy's face fell for a moment when she saw Trapper.
"I guess you don't know me," she said sheepishly to Klinger. "Sorry if I scared ya." She thrust the video tape out at Vicky, giving her a quick grin. "So, Mark's wedding tape," she said. "I haven't watched it yet, but I think I got some of the funnier moments."
"Great," Vicky said, pushing Izzy towards the open door. "I'll see you later, ok?" Now, it wasn't that Vicky didn't like Izzy; they were close friends, even though with school and Izzy's job they never got to talk often. It was just that Vicky didn't like the idea of Hawkeye and Trapper, yes, and the rest of them, getting into mischief with Izzy. That would be even worse than… well, worse than what she had to put up with now.
"Hey, you don't appear to be getting ready for school," Izzy said, digging her heels in and resisting being pushed out the door.
"Vicky has a day off," Hawkeye said.
"She has Tresolarchemy," Trapper added.
"I'm so going to kill you," Vicky growled at them, waving a fork at them threatningly.
"Hey, since we both have the day off, let's go shopping," Izzy suggested, ignoring the 'horrors' of Tresolarchemy. "Come on, it'll be fun, and we don't get to do anything together."
"I can't leave these guys here, alone," Vicky said, panicky at the idea of the MASH crew being alone in the house. It was bad enough knowing they were there alone whilst she was at school. "They set the kitchen on fire a few days ago. The kitchen, Izzy. The whole damn house would have gone up in flames if I hadn't been here."
"We'll bring 'em with us, then," Izzy said, as if it were the simplest solution in the whole world. She cast a sly look at Hawkeye and Trapper. "I know a great place where the booze is cheap at noon," she said, watching their reactions.
"Vicky is meant to be studying," Trapper said, but it was easy to tell they were tempted.
"Are you NUTS!" Vicky yelled. "These guys, loose in Cottageville?"
"So where are the others?" Izzy asked, ignoring her friend's protests. She walked out towards the kitchen, poking her head around doorways expectantly. "Holy cow, they really did set the kitchen on fire."
"Izzy, are you even listening to me?" Vicky demanded. Izzy grinned when she heard voices coming from the back yard. She danced out the back door, while Vicky started beating her head against the wall. "Why?" she moaned between bangs. "Why?" Klinger put a hand on her shoulder.
"Are you ok?" he asked.
"WHY?" Vicky yelled to the roof, eyes tightly shut, in hope it was all a dream.
"Coming, Vic?" Izzy yelled out. Damn, not a dream. Grudgingly, Vicky walked towards the back door, Hawkeye, Trapper and Klinger following her. Izzy was standing at the back door, her face lit up with excitement.
It turned out the others were having breakfast. Somewhere, somehow, they had found boxes of cereal in the burnt kitchen ("Captain Crunch? What the hell is Captain Crunch?" Henry was asking to no-one in particular). Whilst everyone else was seated on the grass, Margaret and Frank were sitting at the outside table, Frank trying to scare Mattie the dog away.
"Get lost! This is my food, you mutt!" Frank was yelling. Mattie was growling at Frank, with his tail between his legs. Mattie, that is, not Frank. "Probably has rabies," Frank said to Margaret loudly as Mattie barked. Frank jumped and Izzy laughed loudly.
"Hey Mattie," she cooed to the old collie. Mattie went over to Izzy, tail wagging.
"Guys, this is Izzy," Vicky said to her 'family', pouting. "Don't worry about introducing yourselves, she knows who you all are." Izzy grinned, and waved hello. Radar seemed to pale a little; he hadn't forgotten what happened last time Vicky's friends had come over. "She wants to go shopping today," Vicky continued. "I've told her I can't go."
"You're coming, that's final," Izzy said. Margaret gave a loud "Humph".
"You should be at school," Margaret said to Vicky.
"She can't, she's coming shopping," Izzy said.
"You should be at school, too," Margaret snapped at her.
"She doesn't go to school," Vicky said.
"I left years ago," Izzy added. She grinned. "Come on, you guys have been cooped up in the house for how long? Don't you want to go shopping? Buy comfortable clothes, eat food that you've never had before, and see the sights and sounds of Cottageville?" ("WHAT lights and sounds? This is Cottageville, South Carolina, Izzy! This ain't Las Vegas or New York!" Vicky shouted in frustration, yanking furiously at her blonde pigtails.)
Father Mulcahy, Henry, Klinger and Radar all looked interested at what Izzy was offering. Even Margaret and Frank seemed to perk up at the suggestion of getting away from the farm, for even just a few hours. Trapper and Hawkeye didn't need to hear anything else, they had long been sold.
"When do we leave?" Hawkeye asked.
"NO!" Vicky yelled.
"I'll call a couple of taxis," Izzy said, walking back inside.
"WHY?" Vicky wailed loudly, Mattie joining in balefully.
Cottageville Mall was relatively large, compared to the size of the town. Once inside, the crew of MASH were astonished. Never had they seen anything like the Cottageville Mall, painted rusted orange and faded fluorescent pink. (Yes, whoever designed it was colour-blind.) Stereo's blasted out 'elevator music' around the shops, and the gang's eyes shined at the range of shops, once they were over the horrible colour scheme.
"Now, I don't want you guys going off and doing your own thing, ok?" Vicky said, leading the group towards the indoor water fountain. "Guys, are you listening?" She turned around, only to find Father Mulcahy still looking around, the only one not to have already wandered off. "DAMMIT!" Vicky yelled, kicking a large stone pillar repeatedly, ignoring the startled looks several old ladies in robes and slippers shot at her as they passed by quickly.
Izzy and Klinger had run off to a clothes store, both positively drooling at the dresses on display. Margaret and Frank were heading for (of course) the army surplus store, while Radar was seemed to be drawn in by the Pet shop. Vicky had no idea where Hawkeye, Trapper or Henry might be. Possibly looking for the bar. (Yes, the bar.)
"Izzy, I'm going to kill you for talking them into this!" Vicky yelled across the building. She was ignored as Izzy skipped into the shop with Klinger.
"I wouldn't worry," Father Mulcahy said behind her. "I'm sure they'll be alright."
"They won't be once I find and deal with them," Vicky muttered.
Vicky often wondered how she and Izzy had become friends. Izzy was a few years older than her, and at times, obviously needed the help of a psychiatrist—of course, this wasn't saying much. Vicky didn't exactly have all of her marbles, either. Actually, they were both just as insane, just as psychotic. Let's just hope no one ever locks them up in a room full of sugar with a DVD player, and the entire seasons of MASH on DVDs.
It was probably thanks to Vicky's grandmother that they had met. Vicky had been shopping with Granny at the supermarket, idly picking cans and boxes off the shelves. Suddenly, Granny collided with someone else's trolley, probably thinking she was in a dodgem car at the fair. Vicky had yelled at Granny, apologised, then yelled a bit more.
"Hey, don't worry about it," the other shopper had said. She introduced herself as Private Izzy Parker before quickly correcting herself. "Izzy Parker, without the Private," she said with a grin. "It's going to take a while to get used to the future again." After a few minutes of talking with Izzy, Vicky decided that the older girl was insane, and not just the safe insane that was her friends and family. Too late, Vicky tried to excuse herself, but Granny spoke up.
"I'm sorry, dear," she said, seemingly normal for a moment. "Come to our house for dinner tonight to make up for that nasty mess. Bring your parents along." Izzy said goodbye, and turned up later that night with her Aunt Amy, and somehow, amongst the flying vegetables, made friends with Vicky. The younger girl later decided that Izzy might be insane, but obviously not dangerous—and like Koosh said before, Vicky really had no room to be thinking her friend was insane.
Vicky found Izzy in the dress shop after pulling Radar and the two Majors away from the other shops (after she caught them making out, and after they tried to force into some fatigues, AND after they tried to sign her up for boot camp), arguing with Klinger over the length of a skirt she was trying on.
"We have to find Hawkeye, Trapper and Henry," she said, pushing her towards the changing rooms. "Come on, buy it and let's go."
"That's disgusting," Frank sniffed at Klinger, who was still deciding if he liked the pale cream dress on the stand. Margaret, however, was eyeing the dress as well.
"You're right," Klinger declared. "The blue is definitely more my style!" Vicky whimpered pathetically, asking the seemingly sadistic lord above WHY he was doing this to her, before glancing at her watch impatiently. They'd been here for over an hour already, how much could have the three drunk in that much time?
"Izzy!" she yelled frantically. The older teen appeared again, back in her jeans and green top.
"Look, they can't have got into too much trouble," Izzy said reassuringly. "I mean, it's only been an hour and fifteen minutes."
"Exactly," Vicky said. Izzy rolled her eyes as Vicky stormed from the store. She and the MASH crew (or what was there of the MASH crew) followed her. They were just heading past K-Mart when Vicky heard two familiar voices complaining about the bar.
"They didn't have martinis, or scotch," Trapper was saying.
"Not even a good looking waitress," Hawkeye added. "I mean, beards may have been the style for them in the Stone Age, but it's not such a great look on women now."
"Found you," Vicky said thankfully. "Let's go, guys."
"What about Lieutenant Colonel Blake?" Radar pipped up.
"Holy shit—where is Henry?" Vicky demanded.
"Still in the bar," Trapper said. "You know, they refused to serve us even remotely drinkable? They'll drive all their customers away with the cheap stuff they're serving."
"I thought the cheaper was better for you guys," Klinger said.
"Normally, but this booze was disgusting," Hawkeye said. "Even we couldn't stomach it."
"Henry didn't seem to mind it, though," Trapper added thoughtfully.
"It's so disgusting to see an officer drunk," Margaret sniffed.
"Come on," Vicky said. "We've got to find him and go home."
"Why?" Izzy asked, sounding disappointed.
"Someone might recognise them," Vicky said. "Do you know what could happen if someone recognises them?" Izzy thought about this for a moment.
"Ok," she said. "We'd better find Henry."
It wasn't hard to find Henry. He was outside the bar, having been kicked out by annoyed drinkers, and was now singing loudly to a photo booth. Yes, a photo booth. And yeah, I don't get it either. People are strange when they're drunk. Still, it's hilarious watching Vicky deal with all this...
"Henry, get your butt over here," Vicky said loudly. Henry looked over, then stumbled over to the group, falling over as he reached them. He was caught quickly by Hawkeye and Klinger, who helped him stand straight.
"How much have you had to drink?" Trapper asked, stifling laughter.
"I'm not drunk, honestly officer," Henry said, breathing heavily in Hawkeye's face.
"Let's get him out of here before one of us is sick," he said to Vicky.
"Go get a taxi," Vicky snapped to Izzy. Izzy nodded, finally realising the seriousness of the MASH crew being out in public, and pulled a mobile from her pocket.
"Look, Vic, I'm sorry about all this," Izzy apologised, looking thoroughly flustered. "I thought the trip out might loosen you up, you looked so stressed, and I thought… I thought I could help out, and--"
"Izzy, TAXI!" Vicky yelled. Izzy turned, and punched a number into her phone. She followed Vicky and the MASH gang as she talked on the phone.
"Hey, you seem a bit uptight," Hawkeye said to Vicky as they walked. Henry had since been given to Frank and Margaret to help along, much to their disgust, and Hawkeye and Trapper were keeping in step with Vicky.
"Yeah, and I thought you were angry when we called up your school," Trapper said.
"You didn't just run around the Cottageville Mall, worried someone was going to recognise you for who you really are," Vicky muttered loudly. "Did you know I found Frank and Margaret making out in the back of the army surplus store? Do you know what I'm going to have to do to my eyes when we get home to remove that image burnt onto my retinas?"
"But Vicky—" Hawkeye started, but Vicky wasn't through yet.
"AND DO YOU KNOW OF THE HORRORS I WENT THROUGH WHEN THEY CAUGHT ME, AND TRIED TO BY ME SOME FATIGUES? YES! THEY TRIED TO BUY ME SOME FATIGUES! AND THEY TRIED TO SIGN ME UP FOR BOOT CAMP!" the blonde roared, startling several customers. The innocent civillians ran away to saftey.
"Is that any reason to take it out on your friend?" Hawkeye asked. Vicky glanced back, and sighed. Izzy was trailing further behind, head down, feet dragging.
"Damn MASH characters," she mumbled.
They needed three taxis to get back to the farm. Hawkeye, Trapper, Radar and Klinger were in one taxi, Father Mulcahy, Henry and the two Majors in another, leaving Vicky to share a taxi with Izzy.
"I'm really sorry I made you do all this today," Izzy said. "I mean, you were meant to be studying, and it was stupid taking those guys out to the Mall. What was I thinking?"
"It's ok," Vicky said.
"No, it's not," Izzy said. "These aren't the same people I spent six months with. I need to remember that."
"This is the whole Korea thing again, isn't it?" Vicky asked. Izzy nodded.
"Call Aunt Amy and tell her if you want," Izzy said. "Maybe I should get a psychiatrist."
"Nah, I wouldn't do that," Vicky said. There was a pause between them.
"I won't come over again," Izzy promised. "Not until they're gone."
"Why?" Vicky asked. "You know these guys, and I need all the help I can get watching them. What if they blow up the toilet or something?" Izzy grinned.
"I don't like to watch the TV show any more," Izzy explained. "It's because I don't want to wreck what I had with these guys by seeing them… not remember me." Vicky nodded sombrely.
"If I call and I seem desperate for help, you'll know why," Vicky said. Izzy grinned.
"If you're truly desperate for help, I might come over," she said. Izzy leant forward, tapping the driver on the shoulder. "Here's fine," she said. She handed Vicky money to pay for the taxis as the car pulled up to the sidewalk and she got out. "Good luck with everything," Izzy said before skipping towards her Aunt's house. The taxi dropped Vicky off at her grandparent's farm a little later, the MASH characters waiting patiently.
"That was great," Trapper said, Hawkeye nodding in agreement.
"I've got a great idea for a new dress," Klinger was saying to Father Mulcahy, while Frank and Margaret sneered at him distastefully as they tried to hold Henry upright.
"Never, EVER, mention this outing again," Vicky told them, going inside. The group followed her quietly, subdued by the obscenities she was muttering loudly. She collapsed on the couch in the living room, thinking back to this morning. It had started off as such a good day, too. The sky had been clear, the weather had been perfect, and she'd almost forgotten about the mess in the kitchen until she got up.
"Hey, what about this?" Hawkeye asked, waving a tape in front of Vicky's face.
"What's this?" Vicky asked, snatching it from him.
"Your friend, Izzy, brought it this morning, remember?" Trapper asked. Vicky couldn't help herself.
"He he he he…" she said. "Mark's wedding tape." Vicky was going to enjoy watching this later on.
Alright, everyone give a round of applause for the great Kooshball! YAY, KOOSHBALL! spotlight shines on Kooshball while confetti is thrown in the air, and people clap in the background
Loverly… Anywho, I've got two, count 'em, TWO important announcements to make.
The first half of 'What The Hell' is almost complete. Just the first half, not the fic itself! The next half will have B.J. and Potter instead of Henry and Trapper. So enjoy these chapters! ENJOY THEM, I SAY!
2) After a few meetings, Kooshball and I have decided that we are going to get a joint account, and create a self-insertion fic in which the two of us end up in the MASH world. Not our lovable, slightly insane characters, but ourselves. You can love the idea, or you can hate it—it's up to you. Review and tell us what you think!