Title: Stopping For a Beer on a Thanksgiving Eve

Author: Tinkerbell99

Rating: T

Disclaimer: The characters are not my creation, they belong to someone else.

Spoiler: 17 People, minor others

Chapter 6: Stuck in a Pantry (and you can't get out of it)

"Donna?"

This whole situation is like a bad dream. Everything is happening in slow motion. The ringing in my ears continues while Suzanne is jumping forward from her chair to hug Eric. There's a ring on her finger and a smile on her face.

"Donna."

I see my father raise a glass and Terri looking at me. Terri's talking to me now, but all I hear is a shrill whine and all I see is the satisfied smile on my cousin's face as it turns toward me. Just like a nightmare, Eric's face turns to mine, as do my mother's, my father's, and most of the rest of the those at the table. Soon they're all looking at me expectantly like I should-

"Donna!" This time Terri is directly in front of face snapping her fingers and I'm aware that I have become the center of attention.

"Huh?"

Ring…Ring…Ring

"Oh, right. Sorry." It would appear that the ringing in my ears was actually the ringing of a phone. My phone, interrupting a marriage proposal. Fantastic. Red-faced, I scramble out of my chair, climb over Great-Aunt Florence, and edge along the wall until I'm alone in the kitchen. There's only one person I know with this kind of timing.

"What is it, Josh," I hiss. "This is not a good time, do you hear me? Not a good time. I don't know how there could be a worse time. In fact, this is probably the worst time so tell me fast - what do you want?" Clutching the phone in my right hand, I plug my other ear with my left attempting to drown out the chaos erupting at the table.

There's silence on his end of the line. Meanwhile, there are increasing cheers and applause coming from the dining room.

"Josh?" If he hung up on me after this, I'll kill him. If Suzanne doesn't stop shrieking like that, I'll kill her.

"I…Is this a bad time?"

"You just interrupted Dr. Freeride's marriage proposal! What do you think?" Who knew I could sound this violent while being this quiet?

There's a choking sound before I hear, "Marriage? Donna? What's…"

The celebration is now spilling into the kitchen itself. I've been edging farther and farther away from the dining room, but several of my uncles are heading toward me in search of champagne and I can no longer hear Josh over their rather obnoxious level of joy. Seeing no alternative, I make a break for the next nearest room, which just happens to be the pantry. Layla lets loose with a screeching wail from somewhere nearby and I pull the door shut behind me. Soon I am alone, surrounded by cans of cream of mushroom soup and clutching my cell phone, the low battery indicator providing my only light.

Sequestered once again in relative silence, I find that Josh is still choking and sputtering something about "marriage" and "a little fast" and "tell your boss before" and-

"Oh dear God Josh! No! Not me! My cousin! What did you think I did?"

The sputtering trails off suddenly. "He…Dr. Freeride…He's marrying your cousin?"

"Yes!"

"Which cousin?"

"Suzanne."

"The one with the baby?"

As if on cue, I hear Layla start up again. Can't say I blame her. If my mother was marrying that pig, I'd cry too.

"Yes, the one with the baby."

"Is he the-"

"No, he's not the father. I don't know who the father is or where the father is, but he is not it."

"Oh." He seems to digest this information for a moment before switching gears. "Why are you whispering?"

"Because. There are people on the other side of the door and I don't want them to know I'm in here."

"On the other side of the…Donna, where exactly are you?"

"I'm in the pantry." I take a look at the bag of Ruffles above me. I really am. I'm hiding in the pantry. This is a new low, even for me. Even for this vacation. Even for this day.

"Why are you in the…Are you hiding?" Picking up steam like he does when he knows he's right, he declares, "You're hiding in the pantry!"

"No. Yes. No. Well I wasn't until you called!"

"You know you can't stay in there all day, right?" Did that bag of Ruffles above me just move?

"What? Yes. I know that, Joshua, but it's going to look a bit odd if I creep out now!" That bag of Ruffles definitely moved. The hell?

"Why?"

I'm edging slowly away from the potato chips. "Because, the kitchen is full of people and I can't just come out of here like I'm a skulking…spy or something! It'll just reinforce the widely held opinion of my current mental state!" Now the cereal boxes are moving. Maybe that opinion is justified.

"Well why are all the people in the kitchen? Shouldn't they be eating dinner or milking cows or something?"

Be-deep. Low battery. Low patience as well.

"They're in the kitchen 'cause they're making phone calls and drinking champagne and doing all the things people do when they get en-OW! Damn it!"

"Donna?"

I rub the knot on my forehead and glare at the cat who managed to send a box of muffin mix onto my head. Is there anything that isn't out to get me today?

"I'm fine, I'm fine. The cat threw muffin mix at me."

Be-deep.

"The cat threw a muffin at you?"

"No, muffin mix. From the shelf. It knocked it off. It's…been that kind of a day. It's been like that since I got here." I draw in a shaky breath and force myself to stop talking. This isn't Josh's problem, and while I know he would be more than willing to help, I need to deal with this. "I'm just not sure I should've come home."

"Look, Donna, I don't know what exactly is going on there, but whatever it is, you know I think you're -" Be-deep

"What? Josh? I didn't hear that. My phone is -" Be-deep

"-better than some guy who would stop for a -" Be-deep "-hope you-" Be-deep "-wouldn't stop-" Be-deep…Beep.

"Josh? Josh?" Too late. With one final beep, my phone officially dies and I am left in total silence and total darkness. Closing my now-useless hunk of metal, I take a seat on an economy sized box of laundry detergent and lean my head back against an ironing board. The cat, stalker that he is, sees my lap and like a heat seeking missile is soon upon me. All earlier incidents of muffin assault seem to be forgotten as he makes himself at home. I finally give in and stroke his fur while I debate the merits of staying in here until my flight leaves tomorrow. There's food, there's water…unfortunately there is no bathroom and I chugged a two glasses of wine during my brief stopover at the dinner table. Damn.

The cat and I sit in silence for a few minutes. This hasn't exactly been the vacation I imagined. Actually, it's been nothing at all like what I imagined. I'd actually been looking forward to coming home. This, however, is nothing like home. It's some nightmarish version of home in an alternate universe. Unfortunately, it's also what I'm stuck with for the time being.

"Ok, Tinker. Time to go." I'll have to face the happy couple sooner or later.

As I stand, the cat slides to the floor and I reluctantly open the door into the kitchen. In doing so, I come face to face with a smug, smiling Suzanne.

Definitely should have stayed in that closet.

"Donna! There you are! We've been looking all over for you! Couldn't wait to show you my ring." The rock is shoved in my face. "Eric has such good taste…but then again he chose me, didn't he! Whatever were you doing in the closet, anyway? Hiding from all the festivities?" I really hate her. I really do.

She looks from my face to my phone with that superior grin of hers and it's clear I won't be leaving the closet until she gets an answer. "It was…work." Great job, Donna. You work from a closet now. Very impressive. "National…security…you know."

Just when I'm thinking I could convert the ironing board into an acceptable bed for the evening, Tinker emerges from the closet and, with no prior warning, hacks up a hairball - one that looks suspiciously like it contains my missing hair tie - on Suzanne's Manolos.

Score one for the cat.

With a superior smile of my own, I breeze past my shrieking cousin and go in search of some turkey.