The Very Secret Diaries of Captain Jack Sparrow
Day 35
3:48 PM – If it weren't for the fact that I am Captain Jack Sparrow, which, by the way, everyone in the known universe is constantly forgetting, I would not be keeping this Captains log. I don't even know what the actual bloody day is! Must make a point to find out. Will write again tomorrow.
Day 58
7:57 PM – Still haven't found out what day it is. Hold on, do I mean what day it was yesterday or what day it is today? Oh, bloody hell, where's my rum!
Day 1
6:27 PM – Have decided to start from scratch. Anyways, must be off; have an "engagement" with Scarlet in half an hour, followed by another one with Giselle. Oh, I pity the poor fool who has never breathed deep the sweet, proliferous bouquet that is Tortuga! (Oooo; good line! I should use that one sometime.)
11:15 PM – Quite a good night for me, I'd say. Unfortunately, I got the bartender in a bit of a tiff when he caught me sleeping with his wife…for the third time.
Day 2
12:49 AM – Damn; bartender has found me hiding out in the alley.
1:00 AM – Managed to get away from fuming bartender. Though I do have a fair amount of bruising in areas I'd rather not mention.
2:45 AM – Honestly, is it so bloody hard to believe that she came on to me!
4:32 AM – Apparently it is. Rather annoying how he keeps finding me. Must think of better hiding place.
4:58 AM – Bloody hell, I thought shimmying up that chimney would throw him off for sure!
5:04 AM – Actually, it might have if I hadn't had a sneezing extravaganza due to all the soot.
5:15 AM –I have decided it would be in my best interest to hop a boat out of here, as bartender doesn't show any signs of sodding off until I am permanently sterile (And in the way that involves exorbitant amounts of pain, mind you. Wow, when did I learn that word?) Also, as I am currently being chased toward the docks anyway, it saves more time than coming up with another plan. Will write more later.
Day 3
8:20 AM – Have been rowing, adjusting sails and otherwise sailor-ing since last entry. Was too tired to write. The only reason I'm bothering now is because I wanted to document that I can finally see some land ahead.
8:25 AM – Also spotted some pirate skeletons hanging from a rock. Have resolved to keep a low profile.
8:30 AM – Arrived in Port Royal. Boat sank. Actually, it was Anna-Maria's boat. "Borrowed" it so I could escape from insane bartender. Hope she isn't mad.
8:39 AM – Weird guy at dock demanded I pay to tie up my boat. Did it even occur to him that, being underwater, the boat wasn't actually there? Paid him anyway, as would have had to tell him my name if I didn't. Soon made up for lost cash by stealing his money bag when he wasn't looking. Teehee.
9:05 AM – Stupid guards are refusing to let me get another boat (I mean, ship). Very annoyed.
9:07 AM – Have distracted guards by getting them into an argument about the Black Pearl. Stupid guards so gullible. I love confusing people.
9:10 AM- Guards caught me trying to unscrew helm from ship. Thought I was trying to steal the ship. Yeah right; like I want a ship with such a crap paint job! Oh well, helm wouldn't have sold for much anyway.
9:12 AM – Have confused guards again by screwing with their words. Go me!
9:17 AM – Am telling stupid guards a lovely story I've written about becoming a chief. Can't remember where exactly; got lost in my own ramblings.
10:00 AM – Not really sure why, but some lady just fell off a cliff. Had to save her, as stupid guards couldn't swim. (Quite odd, seeing as they work at a dock.) Beginning to think leaving beloved revenge pistol and magic compass with stupid guards was a bad idea.
10:04 AM – Do women just want to die of suffocation or are they too dim to realize that the reason they are unable to breath is because the corset is cutting off their air supply?
10:06 AM – Found that the pretty lady who fell off the cliff had a piece of Aztec gold. That can only mean one thing!…Um…Just give me a second; I'll remember.
10:07 AM – Didn't have a chance to remember as Royal Navy showed up. Apparently, the pretty girl's name is Elizabeth. Her father though I was trying to strip her or something, when I was only trying to get her lungs working again, and told everyone to shoot me! Honestly, has anyone but me ever been to Singapore?
10:08 AM – Elizabeth's trying to save me from being shot! YES!
10:10 AM – Commodore tricked me into showing him my pirate tattoo. STUPID!
10:12 AM – Governor (i.e.: father of Elizabeth) has ordered me hanged. Am about to be put in irons by some man named Gillette. (Honestly! What were his parents on!)
10:15 AM – Not only did he forget to call me Captain (What else is new?), but was it absolutely necessary for Norrington to make fun of me for not having a ship? I'm working on it!
10:16 AM – Oh, sure! NOW the stupid guards figure out I was telling the truth!
10:17 AM – It has been clarified that it was a bad idea to leave my stuff with the stupid guards, seeing as they have given it all to Norrington! Don't they know it's not nice to have your way with other people's valuables without their permission?...Wait a second; that sounds familiar.
10:20 AM – Luckily, Norrington too stupid to see true value of my effects. Though he did say I was the worst pirate he'd ever heard of. Contradicted him by pointing out that, while that may be true, he HAD heard of me. This seemed to get him quite miffed, as he dragged me off to the guy with the irons.
10:22 AM – Elizabeth still trying to save me. Starting to feel bad that I have to use her as a ploy in my escape plot.
10:23 AM – A lifetime of wickedness! How dare he say such a thing! I was hardly ransacking villages when I was a tot!
10:24 AM – Have taken Elizabeth hostage. Go me! Have commanded my effects back, emphasizing hat, as I currently don't have enough money to buy a bigger one, despite stealing dock guy's purse.
10:25 AM – Elizabeth now giving me back my stuff. Rather enjoying it, really.
10:30 AM – Just made miraculous narrow escape. Well, right up until the point when I was sent careening around in a circle and everyone started shooting at me! At least my last line was good. Luckily, landed on a mast and slid down a rope. WEEE!
10:45 AM – Have successfully hidden from guards chasing me. Yes! Have hidden in blacksmith shop to avoid getting caughty-ness.
10:46 AM – Tools should prove useful for getting rid of pesky hand chain. Had just removed hat, when I discovered there was actually another guy in here! Went over to investigate threat factor, however he seems to be either an extremely deep sleeper or dead.
10:48 AM – ARG! Damn faulty blacksmith tools!
10:49 AM – Hey, what's that wheel thingy on the ceiling?
10:52 AM – The donkey on the wheel goes round and round! Have broken chain. YES!
10:53 AM – Oh crap! Somebody's coming!
10:54 AM – Kid who came in is very strange. He's talking to the dead guy AND an inanimate hammer! Good God!
10:55 AM – Hey! Nobody touches the hat, dude!
10:57 AM – Kid mad at me for threatening Miss Swann (Otherwise know as Elizabeth). It was only a little! Plus, have the eerie feeling that I've threatened him before, as well. Funny, I usually remember my victims.
11:00 AM – Damn; kid better with a sword than I predicted.
11:02 AM – Kid has thrown sword in door. Minor setback. At least he doesn't have a weapon now.
11:03 AM – Kid has found new weapon. Why am I always wrong?
11:05 AM – Me and kid having epic battle around the wheelie thing with his new and improved RED HOT sword! Was baffled by how many swords are actually in here. Apparently he makes them, and then "practices for three hours a day". Talk about not having a life! Bet he's still a virgin. And probably a eunuch, too. I'll ask.
11:07 AM – Kid never actually answered the eunuch question, but he did manage to say that he practices three hours a day so he can kill me. Oh, how I'm flattered. NOT!
11: 15 AM – Extremely complicated turn of events involving a see-saw thingy and leaping nimbly about on the rafters. Anyway, ended up back on the ground, sprayed kid with bag of sand and pointed pistol at him. Kid seemed surprised that I cheated. Reminded him that I am a for-crying-out-loud pirate! How dim is he?
11:16 AM – People trying to break in and kid is refusing to get away from the back door. If I have to use my revenge bullet just to get out a bloody shop, I will be extremely pissed off!
11:07 AM – Dead guy knocked me out. HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN!