A series of One-shots detailing the strange and often humorous (or at least I find them humorous) little things I think of involving the .hack characters, among others. Please note that there will be crossovers in some of these from other video games, anime, etc.
Disclaimer: I do not own .hack I do not own Legend of Zelda. I don't own Nintendo, for that matter, either. Or Atari. Or anything else I reference in this chapter..
On Reviews: Please review! Reviews are addicting, and I'd hate to start suffering withdrawal symptoms if people didn't review…
Genre: Humor / Parody (Some of it, anyway)
Rating: G toPG (I'm not really sure whether some of these are little kid friendly enough to constitute a G rating, so that's why I've opted to rate it PG )
I'm Really Sorry If This Sucks…
Close Encounter Two: A Link to Insanity
In a random field off of the sigma server, a male figure dressed in a green tunic, green stocking cap, white leggings, leather gauntlets and leather boots lay unconscious. Across his back was strapped a sheath with ornate tracery, and in the sheath was a sword with a blue hilt, emblazoned with a symbol only known as a Triforce. From beneath the spiffy hat, golden blond hair stuck out, falling around two pointed ears, which were longer than any normal human's. Funny thing, though, The World didn't offer elf designs…
A red colored grunty with white hair, white tail, white legs and black feet stood near by, munching on something. A saddle was slung across its back, and it stared at the prostrate form with concern. After a little while, the grunty trotted over to the figure and nudged him. He groaned softly and opened his eyes. They were a deep blue, those eyes, and they were keen. He blinked at the grass poking him in the face, then pushed himself to his knees, staring around in wonder. Last thing he remembered, he was riding his horse Epona, and Navi was yelling at him to watch out because of… something.
The young man's eyes rested upon the grunty, who had remarkably similar coloring to Epona, and he jumped backwards, hand on the hilt of his sword. "Aaah!"
The creature snorted, then spoke, stunning the boy even more. "Hello, Link!"
"Din, Nayru and Farore, what are you? And how do you know who I am!"
The creature looked somewhat hurt. "I'm Epona, Link… I'm just not a horse anymore… exactly. But I can talk! Lookie, Lookie! I can talk!"
Link's eyes widened. "Farore," he breathed. "What the hell happened to you?"
Somehow, Epona managed a shrug. "I don't know. You were riding me… and Navi was going on about a wizard chasing us, and then I woke up here. Like this. Where are we?"
Link shook his head. "I don't know, but we aren't in Hyrule anymore, Epona. Say, do you know what happened to Navi?"
Again, Epona managed a shrug. "No, but I thought I heard her voice over there." She pointed with one foot to a random well sticking up out of the grass.
The young man walked over to it, and, sure enough, standing next to it, he could hear Navi's voice shouting for him, muttering curses, and being all around cranky and upset. However, the voice sounded slightly muffled. Link was pretty sure it wasn't coming from inside the well, so he searched the grass around it and found a round, clear orb, in which Navi lay, semi-conscious. Link picked up the orb careful and called to his fairy companion. And then she came to full wakefulness.
"Link!" she cried, flying out of his hands, though the orb still surrounded her. "Eh? What the hell is this bubble thing? Get me out! Get me out, you idiot! Why didn't you listen to me when I warned you about the wizard? Where's Epona? Where are we?"
"Glad you're ok, too," said Link with a grin. "I have no idea where we are. The wizard teleported us here, I guess, and did something to Epona, because she's now.. a weird cow-thing that can talk."
"Hi Navi!" greeted Epona.
"Egads!" shrieked the fairy. "Are you really Epona? Sheesh…"
Then, Navi turned back to Link. "Hello, why aren't you getting me out of this orb?"
Link snatched it out of the air, with Navi inside. "Want me to try and smash it?"
"Yes!"
He shrugged, then slammed it against the well. It didn't break. It didn't even crack. And Navi groaned. "Ouch. Wait, don't do that again, please."
Suddenly, a female voice behind them said, "Wow. Now that's a cool grunty. Much better than the weird ones you raised, Kite."
"Then, why don't you raise one and quit complaining about mine, Blackrose?" retorted a boy amiably.
"Ooh! I bet that's a really rare type of grunty," squealed another girl. "I've never seen one like that before!"
"Mistral, calm down!" said Blackrose.
"Eh… Are you talking about me?" asked Epona, trotting over to the trio.
"Oh, you're a girl!" exclaimed Mistral. She had a habit of talking with multiple exclamation points when the was excited "What's your name! What type of grunty are you! Who do you belong to!"
"Umm.. Hi? I'm Epona, and what's a grunty, and I belong to Malon, technically, but Link's actually the one who rides me. He's over there."
Link, meanwhile, just stared at the three people. The one with the staff was obviously crazy, and the two others were warriors, but they were rather odd. After all, one wore rather skimpy armor, and had weird tattoos on her arms and belly, and the other had weird marks on his cheeks and dressed rather strangely himself.
"Hello…?" he said when Kite, Mistral and Blackrose looked at him. "Who are you..? And… where am I?"
"I'm Mistral, hunter of rare items, and that's Kite and Blackrose… Oooh! Where'd you get that character design!" she squealed. "I've never seen anything like that before… it must be really rare! Did you win it or something? And how'd you get that grunty? It's sooo coool! Oh, and what to you mean where are you? You're in Sigma: Time's Cheery Wavemaster. Hey, are you here for the rare item, too? Or did you already find it?"
"Mistral! Will you slow down, please? You're giving me a headache! You talk faster than an American auctioneer!" snapped Blackrose.
Kite snorted a laugh, and Blackrose glared at him. Link blinked at them. Navi fluttered out of Link's hands, floating next to him and staring, too.
"Oooo! What's that?" said Mistral, sticking her tongue out at Blackrose and staring at Navi. "A fairy's orb? No way! How'd you get it to fly like that? And how'd you get a blue one! Usually fairy's orbs are pink…"
"I am not an 'it'! And I'm not a fairy's orb. I'm a fairy stuck in this damn orb, and I'd really like to get out!"
"You can talk! Wooooooow!"
"Of course I can talk, moron," snapped Navi. "I'm a fairy."
"Navi," warned Link. "Be nice."
"Easy for you to say. You're not stuck in a blasted bauble."
Mistral stared. Suddenly, she gave a start, a moan and said, "Oh my gosh! My pie! It'll burn! Got to go! Sorry guys!"
And then she vanished amid three golden rings. Link and Navi (but not Epona who, upon being ignored, had gone on to quietly munch grass) stared in amazement. Then, Navi muttered a few nasty things. So, Link pulled off his hat and snatched Navi with it, muffling her curses and protests with the green fabric.
"Umm… Sorry about her. She's not always so.. mm.. cranky," he said, apologetically.
"That's all right. Blackrose is the same way," said Kite, for which he received a punch. Rubbing his shoulder, he asked her, "Was that really necessary?"
"Yes." Blackrose sniffed then looked at Link. "So… Who are you, anyway?"
"I'm Link. Umm… You wouldn't happen to be able to give me a better idea of where I am that she did?"
Kite and Blackrose exchanged a glance. "What do you mean?" asked Kite. "Mistral told you exactly where we are… We're in the Sigma server, in the field Time's Cheery Wavemaster. She dragged us here to find a supposed rare item in the dungeon."
"Sigma server…?"
"The fourth sever. Fort Ouph," explained Blackrose, as though this should all be perfectly clear. At Link's confused look, she sighed. "You're a newbie, aren't you?"
"Newbie? At what? And what do you mean by 'server'?"
"There are five Japanese servers for The World. It is a rather large online roleplay game, you know. So… CC corporation has multiple servers set up for different playing levels. This happens to be the second hardest," said Blackrose. "So… if you're a newbie to the game, you'd do best to be on the delta server, Mac Anu, which is for newbies. And, I'm pretty sure you are a newbie. Did you just win a character competition or something?"
"Wha-? No…"
"Hey!" exclaimed Kite, a sudden expression of recognition dawning upon his face. "You're character design is that of a video game character - Link from the old Legend of Zelda games… Specifically Ocarina of Time, if you've got Epona and Navi… right?"
Link stared at him. Blackrose blinked. "Legend of Zelda? What's that?" she asked.
"It's an old series of games, dating back to the very original Nintento, and it was begun in 1987," explained Kite with a sheepish grin. "One of the oldest rpgs in existence, discounting ones like Adventure for the Atari. The original Legend of Zelda was the first console game to have a battery pack so you could save your games. Anyway, Ocarina of Time was the fifth game in the series, released in the late 1990s, and the first 3D one. It was made for the Nintendo 64, the last of the consoles to use cartridges. And it was really popular in its time, especially among the cult Zelda fanatics… In all of the games you controlled a character named Link in his adventures, usually involving rescuing the Princess Zelda, defeating Ganon / Ganondorf, and saving the land of Hyrule from destruction. There were a few off shoots that took place outside of Hyrule, like Link's Awakening, Majora's Mask, Oracle of Seasons and Oracle of Ages, but for the most part, Hyrule was the stage, although its design and mapping changed from game to game. Anyway his," Kite gestured to Link, "character design is extraordinarily similar to that of the Link, right down to the Master Sword, Hylian shield, pointy ears, earings, spiffy hat, green tunic, etc. And Ocarina of Time was the only one to have Navi and Epona, although in later ones, like Twilight Princess, you had a horse, too."
"Kite… That's enough. I get the picture. How the hell do you know all of that about an old console game, anyway? You are fricken obsessed!" said Blackrose, looking a little scared.
"I am not. We just have the old consoles lying around at home. They were dad's apparently, when he was my age. And they are fun! Ok… so maybe I'm a bit of a dork for playing games as old as Pong, Space Invaders, Centipede and Pac Man, but they are fun. Except Asteroid. That one just bugs me. But Legend of Zelda, the old Final Fantasies and Golden Sun are definitely my favorites."
Blackrose rolled her eyes. "You are a geek."
"You just don't appreciate the roots of games like this one. RPGs and graphics like this didn't just pop into existence, you know."
"Umm…" interrupted Link. "What the hell are you talking about? I am not a video game character, whatever that is… Din, what is a video game, anyway? Look… I was just riding along, minding my own business when this wizard randomly teleported me, Epona and Navi here… wherever the hell 'here' is, and right now, I'd much rather get back to Hyrule. So… could you guys please start making a little sense?"
Kite and Blackrose stared. "Umm… This is a video game. It's called The World, and with good reason. But, I think you're taking the term 'in character' a little too far," said Blackrose.
Kite suddenly laughed. "Wow… I get it. You've accidentally been teleported to a video game not your own… Ha! That's hilarious!"
"Kite…?" queried Blackrose.
"Umm… ooookaaaay," said Link.
Kite was about to say something else when his gaze slipped past Link, and the twin blade called, "Watch out! Hey… what's a data bug doing here?"
Link turned to see a large dragonish beast covered in patches of sickly green glowing-ness. Something about it was just… wrong. And sick. And it was advancing upon them menacingly. He glanced back at Blackrose and Kite, and saw them holding weapons he was sure they didn't have before. Kite held two thin, not terribly long blades, and Blackrose carried a sword that was as big as she was! Link blinked and drew his own sword and shield. The fight was on…
Kite leapt at the creature, not expecting it to be quite so fast as it was. It thudded him hard with a claw, sending the boy sprawling, his stomach throbbing where he'd been clawed (though his digital body, of course, showed no evidence of the wound whatsoever) and other portions of his body aching in response to the unwelcome intimacy with the ground. One of the drawbacks to possessing the bracelet was that he could feel ( to a certain extent ) things that happened to his avatar, to him within the game. However, he'd long since learned how to ignore pain, and he'd developed a remarkably high tolerance for it.
Ergo, even as Blackrose cried out, "Kite! Kite get up!" he, with a soft groan, was able to get to his feet and run at the creature again.
He saw that Link held his own very well. Well, in the games, once you figured out how the buttons worked, Link had always been an expert swordsman.
"Kite! I said get up!"
"I am up; I am up," he replied, meaning to shout, though his voice came out in a sleepy murmur.
"No you're not! Kite, when I say get up, I mean it!"
The scene before him faded and Kite found himself lying in his bed, staring up at an irate mother. He blinked groggily and rubbed his eyes.
"It's past noon, for pity's sake! I don't care if it's summer, but I'll not have my son turning into an owl. Get up."
Kite replied with an unintelligible, sleep-blurred groan. As his mother stalked out of the room, Kite reflected upon his dream…
Really… He played video games entirely too much…
Maybe he should cut back…? Nah…
Author's Notes:
No. I'm not obsessed with Legend of Zelda. I swear! I just happen to have the "official guide from Nintendo Power" for Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, and in the beginning, it lists the various LoZ games preceding OoT, plus gives interesting descriptions of LoZ, LoZ:AoL, and LoZ:LttP. Well, it does give a short blurb on LA… But… It's only a paragraph. Anyway, the guide thing does give the dates each of the first five LoZ games were released. Here they are…
The Legend of Zelda: 1987 (I've played & beaten on the original nintendo, complete with the shiney gold colored casing of this loverly console game. XD I've never done the whateverit'scalled challenge and beaten it without using a sword. (possible, but uber hard, except for you have to use a sword to beat Ganon)
The Adventure of Link: 1988 (I've never played, unfortunately. Never been able to get a copy)
A Link To The Past: 1991 (soooo awesome! I've beaten it in its original form, and I've almost beaten it for the GBA… O.o I just haven't bothered to finish Ganon's Tower. I'm sorry, but I just hate that dungeon. It's sooo long…)
Link's Awakening: 1993 (I've played it. Never beaten it, but I don't own a copy. I borrowed a friend's for a few days. –sigh- )
Ocarina of Time: 1998 (Played, beaten, mastered… accidentally deleted my game where I had everything. )
The ones that come after:
Majora's Mask: 2000 (played, beaten, never got all the heart pieces, though. Fierce Diety mask RAWKS)
Oracle of Ages? (Never played)
Oracle of Seasons? (played, beaten)
Wind Waker: (I don't have a GC –cries- so I've never played…)
Twilight Princess: 2005? Maybe? I'm hoping I can borrow my brother's GC, since he and his wife are rather busy with their two (soon to be three) daughters. O.o Maybe I can rent TP and then play it… -ish extra-hopeful-
Umm… yes… I'm not obsessed… I swear! Just because I've read the manga for OoT, MM, OoA, OoS, and a bit of the manga of LttP… -shifty eyes-
Ahem… Aaaanyway….personally, I think this one of my Close Encounters wasn't written terribly well, but it was this totally random and somewhat humorous idea I had. Plus, I've always wanted to put Navi in a ball of glass or something. Tatl, too. Although, I like both fairies. O.o Actually, if I had my way, first the Great Fairies would put on some decent clothing… then, I'd duct tape them together so they wouldn't get shattered and make me scour the ing dungeons in search of elusive, stupid, glowy lanturns… and THEN I'd go shove them all in a lake somewhere. They just piss me off. Their shrieks of laughter scare me, and…I. Just. Don't. Like. Them.
Plus… The Great Fairy's Mask is JUST WRONG! I'm sorry, but making Link wear a mask whose fuchsia hair glitters when fairies are near…. That's just… wrong.
Hmm… Anyway… Reviewers:
Thanks sooo much! I'm sorry if this one is a big disappointment (it is for me)… I do promise that my next 'encounter' will be better… Although, it may not be in The World, but, rather, in the real world…. Note that I said 'may'.
Please give me advice on how I could have written this chapter better! Maybe some stuff I could have expanded upon or something…? -yawn- Ah, drat. My caffeine is running out…
Nessmk: Yaaaaay! I made you happy! Well… I will keep these going, and this is the only one I have planned that won't be entirely .hack characters… Hehe… This idea was just… floating around in my head. Yeah… Rena and Shugo could meet Br & Kite… In the manga, it merely states that Kite is rather busy… and Kazu says his sister sends her regards. Soo… since she'd be in college, maybe she's busy too? But… It never does say that they couldn't meet…
Of the Young and Foolish: I can't wait to read yours. I always find amusement out of meetings like that… I've read your stuff, though, and I must say I like it very much. Hot Chocolate was great! I don't quite remember if I left a review on all three of your stories, but I read them. I especially like Hack Comedy. I'd always wondered whether people actually noticed that Kite and Blackrose always had the same weapons in the cutscenes… And poor Kite… -shifty eyes- the flying kite, with his own fanclub of mary-sues… Buahahaha!
Ahem… Anyway, yes… I wish I could draw manga, because I think it would be very nice to have a framed picture of this scene… XD Comic-style, so we could see Rena trying to PK Kite, and then the anime sweatdrop of embarrassment as she stutters her apologizes. Um… Yes… O.o Glad you liked that part, though. It had me cracking up as I wrote it…
Oh… And… The lapse in which I called Blackrose 'Akemi' was really just a mental lapse. I swear! I know she's supposed to be named Akira, but in another .hack fanfic I wrote, I named her Akemi… Because I'd named Kite Akira. (I know, I know… Akira can be a girl's name, but it can also be a guy's. Kind of like Loren/Lauren… O.o) Yeah… When I remember, I'll upload an edited version in which I will have corrected that fluff… x.x
No! I can't wait for GU! -wails- But… I must… … -shifty eyes- SHHH! Don't give away my idea for my third close encounter! -winks- mm… Actually, thanks for giving me that idea… Buahahah….
Steeple333: I don't particularly hate that song. No…. I LOATHE it. When we were in Disneyland when I was younger, my parents refused to let me see that ride. And, in retrospect, I thank them for that…. Glad you liked this story, though! Sorry that this chapter sucks… O.o My next one I swear will be better…
Senkai-Ninja: Thanks a lot! Yes… I wrote that story with the three manga volumes next to me… and I looked in them for references… Hehe…
Wateralchemist: Umm… How could my grammar use work? Punctuation? Phrasing? What…? Also, keep in mind that, if, say, you aren't American, or from somewhere other than Ohio, there are quite a few idiomatic differences. –glares at the MLA and English teachers- Anyway, thanks a lot!
Demondog17: Yay! Thanks a lot!
Rayne: Amusingful? XD Great word! Thanks a lot!