A series of One-shots detailing the strange and often humorous (or at least I find them humorous) little things I think of involving the .hack characters, among others. Please note that there will be crossovers in some of these from other video games, anime, etc.
Disclaimer: I do not own .hack
On Reviews: Please review! Reviews are addicting, and I'd hate to start suffering withdrawal symptoms if people didn't review…
Genre: Humor / Parody (Some of it, anyway)
Rating: G toPG (I'm not really sure whether some of these are little kid friendly enough to constitute a G rating, so that's why I've opted to rate it PG )
Close Encounter Three: So you are a Stalker! (Aka: Small World II )
"Remind me again why we're at a pizza parlor, sir?" asked Fujio, a thin young man in his mid-twenties with blond hair and a somewhat exasperated expression adorning his pale face. With dark blue eyes, he regarded the somewhat older man seated across from him at the small table.
The other man laughed softly, running a hand through shaggy black hair, which framed an equally pale face in which two lavender eyes glittered with his laughter. "Because we don't have to be back at work for two hours, and it's lunch time. Don't tell me you don't like pizza?"
"It's not that, sir," replied the other. "While in college I practically lived on pizza at times. But, why here? And why can't I just eat at the cafeteria at work? The food's not bad…"
"Because, Fujio, you need a break. You're not allowed to do any work at all until we go back to CC corp."
"But sir! I've still that report to type up. Besides, Balmung-san, we're hosting an event tonight, and I still need to finish preparations for that and –"
The other arched an eyebrow. "Will you just relax for once? Are all history majors that anal?"
Fujio gave his superior a withering glare. "I am not anal. If you want someone anal, then go find Kamui."
"Unfortunately, you'll have to do. She and I rather don't get along, if you recall."
"That's because you have too much fun taunting her. Plus, you don't exactly follow the rules, sir."
"You're point? Those are hardly reasons to hate someone."
Fujio rolled his eyes. He was about to say something further when his companion spoke once more.
"Ah! Pizza's here! Dig in, my friend!"
Meanwhile, a young boy and a young girl entered the pizza shop and were given the table right next to the other two. The boy wasn't really a boy, but a teenager and nearly a man, at the age of nineteen. The girl was two years older, but she didn't look it. The boy somehow managed to be lanky, despite the fact he wasn't particularly tall. The girl, on the other hand, was curvy, with an hourglass form. But, the leanness of both was due in part to apparent athleticism. The boy played soccer. The girl played tennis. Both were rather good, though sports were not their primary interests. Actually, at the moment, their primary interest was to spend some time together on a day when both were home from college.
"You know, Kenji, I've never actually been here," remarked the young woman as they took their seats.
"Really?" asked the boy, raising his eyebrows. "It's not very far from your family's home, though."
"True, but I've never been a big fan of pizza," she replied. "American food is too greasy."
"Akira," said he. "Pizza is Italian, not American."
"Ah, but you've never had a proper Italian pizza, have you? "
"No, but pizza is still Italian."
"This pizza is American. You can tell by the way it's made."
"I thought you said you'd never been here before."
"I haven't, but I can see the pizzas of other people. And they aren't Italian pizza."
"Whatever. Y'know, I haven't seen you online much recently."
Akira stuck out her tongue. "You're not the only one busy with college, measly little freshman!"
"Yeah, yeah…" Kenji rolled his eyes. An impish grin curved his lips. "I bet you've been relishing in your ability to drink, no?"
She rolled her eyes, but didn't deny it. "That's something I've got on you, at least. It's legal for me. Although, I've only gone out a few times. I'm not a party animal, and you know it."
"Could have fooled me… Ow! Did you really need to kick me?"
"Yes."
"S- sorry for the wait. M- may I take your orders?" The waiter stood next to the table. He was actually about two years younger than Kenji, still in high school, but something about his voice was familiar. However, neither Kenji nor Akira could quite place it.
"Umm… We'd like a medium pizza with pepperoni," said Kenji.
"And extra tomatoes," added Akira.
"Anything to drink?"
"Cherry Coke," said Akira.
"Your lovely Arnold Palmer," said Kenji.
"Right. I'll bring the drinks right out." And the waiter, with the name tag reading Hidezki, whisked off to enter the order and retrieve the drinks.
"What's an Arnold Palmer?" asked Akira, frowning.
"It's a drink," explained Kenji.
"Obviously. What's in it?"
"Iced tea and lemonade."
"That's all?"
"Yeah. It's quite good, actually."
Fujio and his companion, while they'd glanced at the two newcomers, paid little attention to them, instead concentrating upon their pizza. They chattered amiably, discussing office mini-dramas, among other things. After a while, though, their conversation turned to matters actually concerning The World.
"So," said Fujio. "Please say you weren't serious about the Grunty Karaoke contest, sir?"
Laughter was the response. "Why not? I think it would be great!"
Fujio rolled his eyes. "I don't. You know, you have a reputation of the strangest administrator. You're such an idiot."
The other grinned. "Oh, really?"
"Yes. Haven't you read the boards about you, o system administrator Balmung?"
"I have. And my friends have informed me that some of my events are… mmm… interesting. And yet, people seem to enjoy them."
"Oh, really?"
"You have to admit the Tanabata festival was great!"
"I hated that one! You made me host it."
A grin. "You needed some experience hosting an event."
Fujio gave his boss a level glare, but the one ignored it and went on, "The Cherry Blossom Festival was nice."
"Yes…. Whatever you say. Only you would put high level skeletons in an event like that."
"And why not? Skeletons in the yard are better than skeletons in the closet, no?"
"Oh, how very punny, sir."
Another grin. Fujio just rolled his eyes.
Meanwhile, another man entered the pizzeria, and his table just happened to be one forming a small triangle with that of both aforementioned pairs. The man was of medium height, as far as men went, and dressed neatly, albeit somewhat like a geek. The pocket protector just screamed such sentiments, not that he was terribly bad looking. Not that he was handsome, either. Anyway, he sat down at the table and perused the paper menu proclaiming the variety of pizzas, subs, and toppings served at the restaurant. After mentally deciding upon something, he put the menu down and gazed about absently as he waited for the waiter, Hidezke.
Hidezke, meanwhile, laden with two drinks and a pizza, returned to Kenji and Akira's table. "H-here you are," stated the waiter. "A Cherry Coke, an Arnold Palmer, and one medium pizza with pepperoni. Would either of you like anything else?"
After exchanging a glance with Akira, Kenji shook his head. "Nope. We're good. Thanks! Could you bring the check?"
"Certainly, sir." The waiter hesitated a moment, then shook his head and moved over to the geek-man's table. "G-good afternoon, sir. May I take your order?"
"Yes," replied the nerdy man. Kenji, Akira and the waiter all found his voice familiar, too. However, they couldn't quite place it. It was the sort of voice that Akira instantly classified as at least somewhat gay. That aside, the man continued, asking for a pizza with (LOOK UP PIROS'S EMAILS FOR FOOD HE LIKES!) and a peach iced tea.
Kenji arched an eyebrow at Akira, who was staring sidelong at the man, frowning. She noticed, after a moment, and flushed slightly. "Sorry, Kite," she said. "It's just... Something about his voice is sooo familiar. Same with our waiter. It's creeping me out a little."
"Ah. Well, I'd call you crazy, except that it's the same for me. Oh well..." Kenji reached forward and carefully lifted a steaming slice of pizza from the central, round tray, snagging the sticking, melty mozzarella; he really did like the cheese. "Why do you call me Kite offline, anyway? We've known each other for, what, four-five years now? It's not like I call you Blackrose all the time."
She shrugged. "I don't know. Maybe I'm used to calling my brother by the same name on and offline, so I do the same for other guys in my life? Actually, I'm not the only one who calls you Kite, am I?"
"Offline, you are. Except for one girl."
"Ooh?"
"Tch. Don't look at me like that!"
"Who was it." She didn't ask, so much as demand, icily.
"I don't think you'll be happy to hear."
"All right! It was Terajima Ryoko."
"What! Nakahara Kenji Kite!"
Kenji winced under her fierce glare and scolding voice. "You don't have to yell at me like that. I've only seen her once, and it was during a visit with some relatives. She apparently lives in the same apartment block as my aunt and uncle. Plus, their families know each other. Last time I was there, Ryoko happened to be home from school for a bit, and the Terajima family had myself, my sister, my cousins, my aunt and my uncle over for dinner."
"Sure."
"It's true! You can ask Naomi about it, if you don't believe me. Anyway, are you so insecure as to believe that some other girl could steal my heart from you?"
"No! But, I don't want you to get any ideas."
Kenji chuckled softly and rolled his eyes. They were a deep blue, just like his eyes online. Well, his real eyes were much darker. Akira's eyes, however, weren't the garnet color they were online. No, in real life they were brownish green. Anyway, they ate their pizza in silence for a few moments before Kenji spoke again.
"You know... I think I know where I've heard our waiter's voice before."
"Really?" asked Akira. "Where?"
"The World."
"Hmm? Someone we know?"
"Yeah. I think so. Well, he remindes me a lot of Elk. Even the way he looks is somewhat reminiscant of Elk."
"I suppose so," said Akira, dubiously. "Maybe, when he comes with the check, we could ask?"
Meanwhile, Fujio was trying desperately to convince his boss that a grunty karaoke contest was not the best idea. "But sir! How would players even be able to enter?"
"Simple. They call their grunty in the designated field, then register with an NPC. Then, when the contest begins, the players would..."
"Would what? Sir... If it's a grunty karaoke contest, then all the players have to do is enter the grunty. There's no competition in that. Besides, all the Mikey grunties would probably win."
"Hmm... What do you think would work, Kenji?"
"I don't know! I'm not the one who comes up with the events. That's your job. I'm just here to point out everything wrong, fix all the messes you make, and type drafts for reports."
"And answer any questions I ever have about anything historical. You forgot that."
Fujio blinked and sighed.
"Anyway," continued his boss. "I meant what do you think would work with the Grunty Karaoke?"
However, Fujio was saved from having to answer by Hidezki returning with their check. "I hope you found your meal enjoyable, sirs," he said, bowing after he'd given them the check. "Please come again!"
The waiter then turned to the table of Kenji and Akira. "H-how is your meal?" he asked.
"This pizza is actually good," said Akira, with a faint note of surprise.
"Heh! Told you," said Kenji, with a note of triumph.
"Excellent. Um... here is your check, sir, miss." Hidezki bowed and moved as if to go.
"Wait a moment," said Kenji. "Um... You don't happen to play The World, do you?"
"Y-yes, sir. Why?"
"What's your username there?"
Hidezki blinked in surprise. "Elk. Why?"
Kenji gave Akira an I-told-you-so look. "Ah. You see, Blackrose and I were trying to figure out where we knew you from."
Hidezki's eyes widened. "K-kite?"
"Yup! Although, my name is actually Kenji. Good to see you! Who'd have thought we'd meet you someplace like this?"
'Elk' grinned. "Indeed. Who'd have thought? How have you two been?"
"Pretty good," replied Akira. "Albeit busy with college stuffs. Do you live around here?"
"Yeah. Actually, my dad owns this place."
"Really? Cool!" Akira smiled. "Actually, I live a few blocks away from here. Are you still in high school?"
"Y-yeah. You two are in college now?"
"Mmhmm," said Kenji. "But Akira's a junior, while I be a mere freshman."
"You're older than him!"
Akira frowned, as if offended. "Yeah..."
"Ha! I win the bet!"
"Bet?" queried Kite.
"With Mia. While we were almost certain you two were going out, we couldn't decide if you were the same age or not. I bet her that Black, er, Akira was older than Kite, er, Kenji." Hidezki grinned.
Kenji and Akira blinked. Then Kenji laughed while Akira shifted between annoyance and bemusement. She finally settled on a combination of the two.
Meanwhile, Fujio and his boss had broken off their conversation, eavesdropping on the table next to theirs. The older man smiled to himself and turned his head to regard 'Kite', 'Blackrose', and 'Elk'. Fujio, although he had only met Kite before online, had at least heard of the other two from Balmung, his boss. So, he wasn't completely clueless as to the conversation. The man at Hidezki's third table, though, was watching, too. He was watching rather intently, as a matter of fact. After a moment, or so, he rose from his seat and came over to their table. Bowing slightly, he looked at Kenji and spoke.
"I appologize, for I could not help but overhear your conversation," he began.
"I'm sure you could've," muttered Akira. "If you'd really tried."
The man ignored her and continued: "And, well, I play The World, too."
"Who doesn't? And, please pardon me for asking, but why are you butting in on our conversation?" asked Kenji.
"Why not, He of Fair Eyes?"
Kenji, Akira and Hidezki gaped at him. Suddenly, Akira leapt up, knocking her chair backwards. She jabbed a finger at the man and shouted, "So you are a stalker! I KNEW IT!"
"I am not!" huffed 'Piros' indignantly. "I can't help it if we happened to be in the same restaurant."
"Sure. Yeah... Whatever. Why were you eavesdropping, eh?"
"Well, I am one table over, and you weren't exactly being quiet."
"Why'd you pick that table? There are plenty of other ones!"
"That was the one I was pointed to!"
"And why the hell do you always call Kenji "He of Fair Eyes"? That is such a gay, creepy thing to do!"
"Umm..." He flushed, but only a little. Still, he did look uncomfortable.
"See? I'm right on multiple counts!" she said to Kenji.
"Huh?"
"I not only told you he was a stalker, but I told you he was gay, too!"
"Akira... Although I agree with you, you ought not to jump to conclusions! You could at least try to be nice, you know."
Hidezki, meanwhile, snickered. "Oh, what I wouldn't give to have a camera."
"Why?" asked 'Piros', somewhat disturbed.
"So I could have a picture of you pink in the real world to match the screenshot Mia took of you pink in The World."
'Piros' blinked. "Dear god, no!"
"Hey, that's right. Mia always used to play pranks on you," remarked Kenji, chuckling.
"Yeah. It's a shame we don't have any rare item or potion or something that could turn you yellow, or orange or something," said Akira. "Anyone have grape soda, though?"
'Piros' shifted. "Umm... I think I'll be going... He of Fair Eyes."
"Ok. That's just disturbing," said Kenji. "Please never call me that again. Ever."
"But..."
"I thought you said you were going," hissed Blackrose, her tone quite hostile.
'Piros' scurried off, cowed by her evil glare. Even her brother would have hesitated before provoking her at this moment in time. Kenji, however, seemed determined to push her farther into the realms of vexation. Ergo, he flashed her an impish grin and opened his mouth to sing. He hadn't even enunciated the first word when she scowled.
"Don't you DARE!"
"It's a small world after all..."
"NAKAHARA KENJI KITE! YOU WILL NOT SING THAT EVER AGAIN ON PAIN OF HAVING YOUR VOCAL CHORDS SURGICALLY REMOVED! Bad enough you'll torment me with that online."
'Kite' laughed. "Aw, come on! I only sang it that one time when we met Shugo and Rena."
A muscle below her eye twitched, and she fixed him with a death glare. Somehow, in real life, it was so much more potent and threatening than online. Kenji shrank away from his girlfriend in fear for his life. However, a certain one seated at the next table over had no such qualms. He'd received worse looks from certain women... Kamui came to mind. Anyway, with a wink at Fujio, he sang, too, picking up with the next strand of repetitive music.
"It's a small world after all. It's a small world after all. A small, small, small, small world."
Akira snarled, "Shut. The. Hell. Up. And who the hell are you anyway?"
The man grinned. "You should be able to figure that much out. I'm the one who comes up with weird events, remember?"
"Balmung!" exclaimed Kenji in astonishment. "And... Reki?"
"Indeed," said 'Balmung.'
'Reki' merely blinked. "Hi," he sighed, somewhat exasperated.
Hidezki, too, looked rather on the startled side. "Holy cow," he muttered. (or at least the Japanese equivalent.) "It is a small world."
"You're a stalker, too!" snapped Akira. "I'm surrounded by stalkers! Gah!"
She collapsed back into her seat. Kenji scooted to the seat next to her (there were four at their table), and he put his arm around her shoulder. "There, there, Akira. The world is small, after all."
She punched him. Hard. Very hard.
Author's Notes:
Eh… this scenario just kind of popped into my head… and went out my fingers before I really had much opportunity to think about it. This is a semi-sequel to Small World, so there were a few references. XD
I know, I know… The part with Piros was just… strange, but oh well..
Oh! Does anyone know if Balmung has an actual name IRL? By actual name, I mean one that's 'official'…
Steeple333: -shifty eyes- who says I haven't bottled them? Hehehe… I've written more! See? Hope you like this chapter. Even with the song (evil music & a scream) in it…
Rayne: Amusingful is still a great word. Indeed… .hack/LOZ… Muahahaha… heey! Y'know what? A super Smash Brothers sort of thing with .hack characters would be sooo awesome! One of Kite's specialized attacks could be data draining… which would do heavy damage with his bracelet. Sorry… random idea that just popped up.
Twilight Memories: Legend of Zelda rawks! You really ought to play some in the series… mm… yes… Small World After All surfaced again… BUAHAHAHAHAHAH! -ahem- Yes…
Althea Astera Renata: Interesting namerly thing. Yeah, I'll have some from .hack/SIGN.. Just not yet. Here's a new update! Muahaha… Golden Sun RAWKS!
PREVIEW OF NEXT CHAPTER:
Well… at least the title of it: Cooooffeeeee!
This one'll take place in The World… And it will explain the true reasons behind the 'evil Kite' in the Kite vs. Balmung panels in the manga, as well as the 'evil ZOMBIE Kite' appearing in the G.U. trailer….