Updated: Wednesday 4th May 2005

Disclaimer: See Chapter One.

Chapter Seventy-Four: Brightest Star In The Sky

Estella was quiet and withdrawn ever since she had returned from Snape Manor. She knew her Uncle did not want her to leave, but he let her go nonetheless, an almost haunted look on his face. Like he had been resigned to losing her forever. Despite the misdirection and the lies and all he had deprived her of, Estella couldn't bring himself to hate the man. He was clearly troubled and conflicted; and he had made a mistake. She didn't fully understand why he did what he did, but there was no changing it now. He seemed to think he was doing the right thing for her, and she had to give him some credit for that, no matter how misguided it had been. Yet as much as she wanted to forgive the man and move on with her life with this new information, she knew things would never quite be the same between them… and for that, she mourned.

"I thought I might find you here." Her father's voice roused her from her thoughts from where she lay on the sloped roof of their London home, staring up aimlessly at the stars.

"Quite the little monkey I see." He added, taking a seat next to her as she sat up. "Thought you might be needing this, though."

In his arms, he held the telescope from her bedroom.

Peering over the edge of the roof then at her father with the bulky apparatus in his arms, her brows shot above her hairline in astonishment. "How on earth did you climb up here with that?"

"Practice." Sirius said smugly. "A featherweight charm and shrinking spell helped too."

"Thanks." Estella said awkwardly after a pause. "I miss being able to do magic at home. I'd never have gotten it up here."

"What are you doing up here anyway?" Sirius asked kindly, trying to start a conversation with his daughter, his mind choosing to ignore the admission she considered Hogwarts home. The open display of affection they had shown upon their first real reunion had yet to resurface since she had returned from her Uncle's distant and troubled. "Moony told me you were afraid of heights."

"I have a fear of falling. It's different." Estella shrugged, peering over the edge. "I always wondered why my mother had charmed the roof against falls, but now I guess I know why."

"Yes. I used to come up here a lot to think." He admitted. "Your mother cast the charms after I fell."

"You fell?" Estella's mouth gaped open. "What happened?"

Sirius pulled out a cigarette from his robes and lit up. "Broke my leg in six places. Medi Witches at St. Mungos had their hands full trying to reset it. I was lucky I didn't end up with a permanent limp. Thankfully your mother was a wiz at charms and was able to splint it straight away." He paused to take a drag of his cigarette. "I certainly didn't envy the nurses that day, having to contend with a heavily pregnant woman going out of her brain in the hallway when they wouldn't let her in to see me straight away…" His voice trailed off and he gave her a sidelong look. "…and you, young lady, were apparently having a Wizarding duel inside her; protesting just as strongly as your mother."

"I didn't know you smoked." Estella said suddenly, uncomfortable with talking about her mother… of times when the woman had every right to believe her future only held bright things. Not to mention the image of someone falling and breaking their leg in six places was giving her a bit of a cold sweat.

"Great thing, those Muggles came up with." Sirius said, regarding the long thin cigarette analytically. "So much more convenient than stoking a pipe the Wizarding way… and they have these little things called lighters where you can make fire without magic, too." He flicked the lid of his zippo lighter playfully, showing Estella how it flamed before clinking it shut.

Estella gave him a dumbfounded look as though to say, 'no, really?' and waved her hand dramatically, batting away the drift of smoke that came her way.

"Disgusting habit." He said, flicking the ash into the night. "Don't you ever let me catch you doing it."

"Hypocrite." She smirked. "You know they say passive smoking is worse than actually inhaling."

"The wind's blowing the other way!" Sirius protested, turning his head away from Estella to exhale as though stating his point. "The smog from the Muggle cars in the street would do more damage to you up here."

"This is a practiced defence, I take it?" Estella quirked her lips.

"Yes." Sirius growled playfully. "Your mother wouldn't let me smoke in the house… and I never will."

"Well I don't have a problem with it." Estella shrugged. "Your lungs, your choice… remember that if I ever decide to try and kill myself slowly."

Sirius laughed. "You have a strange sense of humour, kid." He said, shaking his head in awe before casting her an insecure look. "I'll stop if you want me to though. Merlin I went without for twelve years. I probably shouldn't have picked it up again."

"I don't doubt you would." Estella said quietly, turning her head away to stare off into the darkness. "But I couldn't ask you to do that."

"What do you want me to do?" Sirius asked, flicking a bit of ash off the roof tile below him. "Just tell me, and I'll do it."

"Just don't lie to me." Estella said, drawing her knees to her chest and wrapping her arms around them as she began to shudder. "Be honest with me… and stop asking me what I want all the time. You're allowed to have needs too."

Wrapping his arm around Estella's shoulder, he tousled her hair. "It's scary how much I love you." He said, staring at her intently. "Stay like this forever."

Peering up at him from where she rested her cheek on her knees, she swallowed her fear. "I never hated you, you know." She whispered quietly in reciprocation. "Despite what I thought to be true."

Pulling his daughter closer to him, he lowered his head to hers and kissed her hair. "You have no idea how much it means to me to hear you say that!" Sirius said, his voice thick with emotion. "You have your mother's compassion."

"I wish I could have known her." Estella voiced her heart's desire timidly.

"She watches over you." Sirius said, gesturing to the stars. Then, patting his chest, he added. "She's with you in here."

"I know." Estella sighed, gazing up at the stars. "Sometimes I feel like she's there, guiding me. Like she's the voice in my mind."

"The voice of reason?" Sirius chuckled lightly. Estella nodded. "She was a formidable woman, your mother. If anyone had the determination to come back from beyond to be there for their child, it would have been your mother." He smiled wistfully at the stars, the cigarette in his mouth glowing red as he drew breath. "So you'd better listen to that voice in the back of your mind, kiddo, she doesn't take it too lightly when she's ignored."

"I see I'm not the only one with a sense of humour." Estella mused.

"Oh no, you're in a whole different league." Sirius said. "Yours is sarcastic wit. I suspect you picked it up from your Uncle."

Estella smirked. "He can be a bit of a sarcastic git at times. But I give as good as I get."

A beat.

"Estella." Sirius asked suddenly, stubbing the spent but of the cigarette out on the roof tile before looking at her intently.

"Mmm?" Estella asked, tearing her eyes away from the sky for a moment.

"Did he treat you well?" He asked, in a protective tone of voice. "Were you happy?"

"He was… fair." Estella said thoughtfully. "We had respect for each other's boundaries, and he was a good teacher."

"What about love?" Sirius pushed.

"What do you mean?" Estella asked. "Did he love me? Yes he did. I doubt he would have put up with me otherwise."

"Why are you talking in past tense?" Sirius asked.

"Because I don't know what to think anymore." Estella sighed, pulling herself up straight. "He may have left the more 'hands on' stuff to Remus, but I always thought we had a pretty good relationship… then I find out he kept those things from me, from everyone… and suddenly it's like everything is a lie."

Embracing her with both arms as she continued to hug her own knees for comfort, Sirius held her close. "I can't even pretend to know what goes through that man's head, so I am afraid I don't have the answers you need." He said. "I may not know how to forgive Severus for what he did, but I won't deny that he does value family… perhaps blindly. Your mother held him in high regard in that sense."

Nodding, Estella wrapped her arms around her father's arm. "Will Harry come and live here now?" She asked, curious. "You were supposed to be his guardian."

"Do you want Harry to come here?" Sirius asked, his face in her hair.

"I don't know. I've always wanted a brother… it's just…" her voice trailed off as she pulled away slightly. "Last time I really spoke to him he was so mad at me."

"I have a feeling he's feeling really bad about that right about now." Sirius nodded, pulling away so that only his arm lay across her shoulders. "Try to remember that he thought I was guilty then – he wasn't lashing out at you personally. He and I have worked things out now, and I am sure he would love to have a kid sister. I've not heard much about what those Muggles are like, but I get the feeling the poor kid's never really been a part of a real family."

"Have we?" Estella asked, lowering her eyes.

Sirius furrowed his brow. "I could never love anyone more than I love you." He assured her, his hand stroking the hair at the nape of her neck absently. "I would never bring Harry here if I thought it would come between us. Would it come between us?"

"I don't know. You and Harry would have so much more in common…" Estella laid her fears out on her sleeve. "Like all the boy stuff like Quidditch and stuff that I don't know anything about. I've never been left out before."

"You won't be left out. We will always have our moments like this." Sirius assured her, his hand stilling on her shoulder where he gave a little squeeze. "Besides, Harry can't come here until I am cleared of my charges, so we've plenty of time to work out what we are going to do. Let's just try and enjoy our time together for now, mmm?"

"Alright." Estella leant against her father's shoulder gingerly, unfamiliar with the contact that, when indulged, pulsed through them both like a lifeblood they didn't know what they did without.

After a while, Estella spoke, her voice troubled. "Was Peter Pettigrew really hiding as Ron's pet rat?"

Sirius looked down at his daughter curiously, concern clouding his features. "Yes." He answered bitterly. "Merlin, to think of all the opportunities he had to get to either of you. I should have stopped punishing myself for suggesting to James that they use him as Secret Keeper and escaped sooner. I'm sorry, Missy."

"No, I'm sorry." Estella blurted, her burning eyes looking away from her father as she pulled away suddenly.

"What?" Sirius spluttered in alarm, not understanding his daughter's upset. "Estella, sweetheart, what do you have to be sorry for?"

"I d-d-d-didn't listen!" She exclaimed. "When you warned me about the rat. I didn't understand! I could have caught him! I even saved him from Mrs Norris once! I almost took him to Uncle Remus too, only Harry…"

"Estella! Estella!" Sirius cut her off, shaking her lightly. "It's alright, it's okay. I didn't even make sense to myself then! It was too soon after…"

"Then if I had paid attention and not let my guard down I would have stopped Uncle Sev from giving me that Portkey and I could have been there to hear you explain and catch him…"

"Estella! You mustn't blame yourself for what happened! He's not worth it, he's not!" Sirius said to her desperately, trying to make her see reason. "Your Uncle was right to get you away before the moon rose! Merlin, sweetheart, Moony was loose that night!" At that, Sirius could speak no more, his voice too thick with emotion at the mere thought of what could have happened cutting him off.

Leaning on her father's shoulder once more, Estella sighed. "Things just aren't meant to be easy for us, are they?"

"Why would we want them to be?" Sirius quipped philosophically. "Then things wouldn't be so interesting."

"I'm glad I am here." Estella said softly.

Wrapping his arm around her shoulder in response, Sirius inwardly agreed.

Sensing a need to inject a little levity to the situation, Sirius spoke. "If you're not into 'boy' things as you call them, what on earth do you and Remus do together?" He asked, a grin tugging at the corners of his mouth. "You don't make him wear make up and paint his toe nails, do you?"

"No, never can say I thought of doing that." Estella shrugged. "We play Chess if we're at the school, or video games if we're here, or read together or go to the movies… stuff like that. You do know Remus has had to live almost like a Muggle all these years because he found it really hard to get a job in the Wizarding community."

Nodding, Sirius looked at her intently. "I'm not all about Quidditch, you know." He said, inwardly glad that his daughter was not exclusively into all the girlie things; even though it pained him that her interests reflected the lack of a mother in her life. "I enjoy that other stuff too. In fact, I think you'll be surprised by how much we have in common. Remus tells me you're quite the astronomer."

"Yes. I love clear nights like this." Estella admitted, throwing her head back to gaze up at the sky.

"Your mother and I used to sit up here and look at the stars, you know." Sirius said. "Selina had just fallen pregnant with you and we were painting your room when I discovered the way up here from your window." His eyes stared distantly at the roof's edge as though his mind had just gone back in time 13 years and was expecting to see his dead wife poke her head over edge. "She sat right where you're sitting and we would talk for hours… mostly about our plans for you, actually… and watch the sun come up in each other's arms."

"That's very sweet." Estella sighed. "What were her favourite constellations?"

"She liked Aries - that was her star sign – and she loved to make up stories about the shapes of the nebulas and count the shooting stars." Sirius said wistfully.

Both of them smiled when a shooting star chose that moment to streak across their horizon.

"Personally, I identify most with Canis Major." Sirius said, grinning slightly. "That's where my star is."

"Your star?" Estella asked, playing dumb.

"Sirius." Sirius rolled his eyes. "The brightest star in the night sky? Surely you've heard of it…"

"Oh you mean the Dog star… fabled to be one of the guardians to Orion?" Estella smirked, rolling her eyes. "I thought you were named after its inferior white dwarf companion, Sirius B."

Sirius chuckled. "I guess you've heard of it then."

"Pity its namesake is hardly the brightest spark, in any case." Remus chuckled, his head appearing from an attic window slightly above them. "I was turning off the lights downstairs and I noticed your cloaks were still on their hooks. The air's chilly tonight, rug up."

"Yes Mum." Father and daughter said simultaneously, sniggering conspiringly as they caught the robes Remus threw down to them.

"Merlin help me." Remus shook his head, before said head disappeared back into the house. "Don't stay up too late!" He called out from inside.

"Is he always like this?" Sirius asked, draping Estella's cloak over her shoulders.

"Always." Estella smiled.

"I'm glad you had him." Sirius said.

Estella smiled.

Gesturing to the telescope in front of them, Sirius turned to his daughter. "Now what's say I show you the star your mother picked out for you…"

End Chapter: Brightest Star in the Sky