Title: The pain I feel is only temporary (Yes! I so made a title.)
Pairing: Let's just say this is a slash-free chapter
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Chapter 3 starts off where Chapter 2 ended...sort of. Roger and April make a trip to the hospital. Oh, Roger has a few tiny flashbacks. What can I say I'm a flashback kind of girl.
Disclaimer: Nothing. I own nothing.
Chapter 3: Does April know
I stand on the sidewalk waiting for him to answer my question. My body shivering from the cold; I pull my leather jacket closer to my frame, and shove my hands into the pockets. The sensation of something cool and smooth against my fingertips causes me to pull them back out quickly. The familiar plastic against my skin. I'm forced into remembering why I came outside in the first place. I close my eyes and try to fight back the urge to leave and finish what I started.
"Sometimes the pain, Mark, it gets so bad." I close my eyes tightly at this statement and increase my grip on the counter edge, trying to stop my hands from shaking.
"Roger..." He looks up from reading his latest script. His eyes finally meeting mine, damp with unfallen tears.
"Mark, if I could stop I would. Believe me."
"I don't know if I can anymore."
"Roger? Rog? Hey..." I open my eyes, only to be greeted by him rapidly snapping his fingers in front of my face. I blink heavily, attempting to break free of my thoughts.
"What?"
"I said I'd come with you." He smiles.
"Oh, ok." I say watching each breath come before me as a slight puff of smoke.
The walk home between us is silent. I turn occasionally and open my mouth to speak to Mark, but no words are formed. For once I don't know what to say to him. After finding him there, so alone, vulnerable, hurt, I've come to realize he means more to me than I had initially thought.
-The Next Morning-
"Rog, get up." The sound of his voice makes me cringe slightly. It's too early for me to deal with him, much less anyone, now.
I feel his hands pulling me off the mattress, but I use all of my weight to bring myself back down. I'm thankful I still weigh more than him, or that he's just rather weak. I think it might be a bit of both.
"Roger, you need to get up." Mark's voice is a bit more commanding this time.
Straining to open my eyes, I look over and glance at the clock besides me watching as the glowing red numbers change from 11:15 to 11:16. I yawn slightly and roll to my side, trying to fall back asleep. It's too early for his shit.
"Damnit, Roger!"
"It's too early, Mark." I groan.
"Honestly, Rog. She's waiting for you. Get up!" He starts tugging at my shirtsleeve and I abruptly pull away. I'm starting to think Mark doesn't understand when people want to be left alone.
"Who?"
"Who do you think? She's been out there for almost an hour now." He sighs.
"Why don't you take her?" I yawn loudly and press my face into the mattress below me. I had forgotten about April's appointment.
"Because she's not my girlfriend."
"Well, tell her we're breaking up and you're dating her, until this damn doctor's thing is over."
I hear him sigh and gradually walk out of the room, closing the door behind him. I smile to myself, knowing I will finally be able to get the rest I crave.
"ROGER DAVIS! GET UP! NOW!" My eyes quickly open once I hear the sound of the door thrown open, slamming into the wall beside it.
Rubbing my eyes, I look over and see April standing in the doorway. Her blonde hair flowing freely around her face, with paint splattered sweatpants hanging loosely around her hips, a small black jacket wrapped around her frame.
"Come on. I have to be there at noon." I observe her as she taps her foot, impatiently, against the floor.
"I don't want to go. Can't you change your appointment? Let's go tomorrow." I say, pulling the sheet above my head, attempting to block out the light that is quickly enveloping the room.
"Roger!" She pleads.
"April!" I say mimicking her tone.
"Roger, please. I don't want to go alone." I can see the face she's making in my mind now. Her bottom lip slightly sticking out, eyes shut, a blond hair pirouetting between her fingers.
"Take Mark with you." I plead.
"Roger, I have things" He says as I hear him step into the room.
"Bullshit, Mark." I quickly cut him off, pulling the sheet off my body and pushing myself off the mattress. "You can take her."
"Did you forget that I'm in the process of moving?" His eyes burn into my own and I look away.
"You're moving?" April's startled whisper causes me to quickly face her.
I realize I had forgotten to tell her, but what would I have said to her? That he's leaving because I've harmed him so many times I'm incapable of counting them. Because I've said so many insulting things to Mark, just to make him feel the pain I that I'm experiencing. That I've thrown, shattered, and destroyed everything he's loved so many times that he's at the point to which he's afraid to be around me at times. And that there's one reason for it all, a reason I could never bring myself to discuss with the ones, who could help me defeat it.
"Yeah." He sighs. Mark pulls his glasses off, and begins to wipe them, although his eyes stare at the floor.
"Why?"
I look at him and close my own, silently praying he won't tell her the truth.
"Does she know?" A heated whisper.
"What?" I stop my attempts to tune my guitar and look up, setting it besides me.
"Does April know what you're doing to yourself? Does she know you're pumping that shit into your veins, Roger?" His face is lowered as he says this.
"No." I reply, my eyes transfixed on a loose string from my shirt. I start to tug at it, giving me a reason not to face him.
"If you don't tell her, Roger..." He stops causing me to look up from my actions.
"Roger, if you don't tell her...I will."
I allow my eyes to follow him as he picks up his camera and walks out of the room. I slowly close my eyes and permit myself to fall backwards onto my mattress.
He puts them back on and looks at me, his eyes quietly pleading with me to say something. I know he doesn't want to tell her, even if he knows he should. He couldn't hurt her like that.
"Alright, I'm coming." I say, trying to relieve the tension that is slowly filling the room.
I watch Mark as his expression quickly changes from regretful to relieved. He sighs softly and I allow a small smile to spread across my face, knowing he feels better.
"Finally." April sighs. "Hurry up and get ready. I'll be waiting for you downstairs."
My eyes follow her as she pulls her jacket closer to her body and gracefully walks out of the room.
I listen for the sound of the front door closing, knowing we're alone, before I can bring myself to look at him.
"Mark..." I whisper, even though I know there's no one here, but us.
"Just go, Roger." He turns around and begins to head for the door.
"I'm sor"
"I know you are. You always are."
I shut my eyes as he closes the door behind him. Maybe if I lay here long enough they'll forget about me. I think it's the best thing I could possibly do for either of them.
-At the Hospital-
"I hate hospitals." I say loudly enough for the woman sitting in front of us to look up from her paper. I roll my eyes at her actions and she huffs in displeasure.
April looks at her and then at me, giggling slightly.
I groan and try to adjust my body to be able to sit comfortably against the cold plastic seat below me. They really know how to make you feel welcome here.
"I want to go home." I plead with her, hoping she'll agree.
"I know, babe."
I sigh and look down at April as she smiles, her feeble attempt to make me feel comfortable about being in this place. I allow myself to return the smile, no matter how painful it may be, if only to make her feel a similar feeling of comfort.
"I really don't understand why you had to come here in the first place." I close my eyes as I feel her begin to rest her head on my shoulder.
"Don't worry about it. We'll, be out of here before you know it." Her hand carefully finds mine and she pushes her fingers through my own.
"I highly doubt it."
"Rog, quit whining." She says as she playfully smacks her hand against my chest.
I laugh softly at her actions and watch as she smirks up at me, knowing she's soothed my anxiety for the time being.
"Harrison? April Harrison?" Her face quickly falls once she's heard her name called. I hesitantly let go of her hand, wishing she didn't have to leave me here.
"You'll be fine." She says, noticing my reaction.
I sigh and close my eyes, once she has left the room, slowly allowing my body to make up for the rest I had lost this morning.
"Rog…"
I open my eyes. I'm not sure if it's because of the discomfort I'm feeling or the sound of her voice, but smile up at her anyway. Atleast she's ok and we'll be out of here soon. Although, at the moment it doesn't feel like soon enough.
Looking up at her I notice her eyes are red, wet. The sadness I see there makes me forget the pain I'm feeling at the moment. I knew coming here was a mistake. I told her it was.
"April, what is it?"
"It's nothing, Roger." She softly closes them and lowers her head.
"April?" I say clenching my stomach. Oh, God. It feels like I haven't had a hit in hours. I wouldn't be surprised if that's the case.
"I'm fine." She says harshly.
I know it's not normal for April to act like this but I shrug it off anyway. The current pain that is flowing through my body is enough to make me apathetic about anything at this moment. Sometimes, when it gets like this though, that horrible sensation that feels like it will never go away, it almost makes me want to quit. But then I remember how good it can be and that the pain I feel is only temporary.
"I want to go, Roger. Let's go home." She sighs.
"Can you give me a second? I need to go to the bathroom." I abruptly close my eyes, detesting myself for lying to her, no matter how easily the words escape my mouth.
She shrugs, her eyes fixed on the ground below us.
"I'll be right back."
She doesn't reply, but at the moment I don't really care. My mind, my body is focused on one thing now. I need it so bad.
-Back At The Loft-
"Welcome back guys." Mark calls out cheerfully as we walk in the front door. He looks up from the yellow notepad within his hands. I assume it's a new script he's working on.
I smile at him and return my gesture to April. The smile quickly fades, however, once I notice her somber expression hasn't changed since we left the hospital. It's starting to worry me. This isn't like her. April, unlike Mark and I, would never shut anyone out.
"How'd it go April?" He asks placing the notepad on the couch arm beside him.
When she doesn't reply he looks at me and I shrug. The only explanation I have been able to come up with, for her strange behavior, is that she's tired. I think I would be, too, after being around all of those people, prodding and poking at me for hours.
"I'll be in the other room." She says, refusing to look at either of us as she speaks.
Once she leaves I walk quietly over to Mark and sit down besides him. I timidly allow my eyes to travel over his face. Noticing the stubble forming on his jaw, I realize that I sometimes, I forget how old he actually is.
Mark has always seemed, and probably always will, uncomfortable in his own body. It makes him appear as though he's still that immature teenager I met years ago, but these little changes I notice in him, even as trivial as the small growth of hair on his chin, forces me into recognizing that he is a man. Not that weak boy I used to know years ago. The boy I could easily take advantage of. The friend, who was always there for me.
"Forgot to shave?" I say trying to break the silence between us.
"Did you do it today?" He whispers, his eyes refusing to meet my gaze.
"What? Shave? Yeah, what does it-"
"No. Did you use today?" Mark's words are almost inaudible.
"I…" A small sigh barely escapes my lips. "Yeah, Mark." For some reason I can't lie to him. Why can I lie to her?
"Roger, why? Why do you do this to yourself? To April?" He finally allows his eyes to meet my own.
"Mark, you know I'd stop if I could."
"No, Roger. You'd stop if you wanted to. If you cared about her. About me." He reaches over for the notepad besides him, but I quickly grab his arm, stopping him. .
"I do care, Mark." My eyes attempting to find his.
"You don't." He shakes his head.
"Mark, if I didn't care I would of left you out there that night!"
"Roger, you-"
"You know what, Mark?" I yell letting go of his arm. "You are one of the most ungrateful people I have ever met. You can't accept the fact that someone does care about you. That I do, Mark. I do. You're just too wrapped up in your fucking filming to notice."
I watch the shock of my statement registering on his face.
"Fuck you, Roger." His voice is soft, hurt.
"No, Mark, fuck you. How do you not see how much you mean to me?" The image of him lying on the ground flashes through my mind once more.
His silence forces me to continue.
"Mark, how can you not see it? I mean, you, I…I can lie to April about the drugs, about where I go at nights, about how much I love her, but you…Mark for some reason…I can't lie when I look at you."
"Roger." He places a hand on my shoulder and I quickly push him off, ashamed for what I had just said to him.
"Forget it, Mark. You're right."
"No, Rog. I just-"
"I said forget it. You're right. Feel better? Mark Cohen is once again right about his heartless, junkie friend, Roger Davis." I say coldly.
"Roger, it's not like…"
"Mark, I want you gone tomorrow." I can't look at him when I say these things.
"Roger…"
I refuse to answer him and I know Mark's eyes are watching me as I push myself off of the couch. I slam the door behind me as I walk into my room.
"I hate him. I really fucking hate him." I say, climbing into bed, besides April.
Listening to the steady rhythm of her breathing, I quietly pray that the discomfort I'm feeling will go away before I'm forced into committing an act I know I'll regret, even if the one that I'm most worried about hurting doesn't believe that I'll feel it.
A/N: Sorry, it took so long to get this out. I was having trouble getting back into Roger's character. So if it's a little OOC, I apologize. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, even if it is absolutely horrible. I know it is. Don't lie…haha. I know a lot didn't really happen, but believe me…the next one will be worth it. Oh, it's going to be good. I can't wait...plus…I'm looking forward to writing as Mark again. Ah, Marky wins my heart everytime. Once again comments/reviews/suggestions are greatly appreciated. Thanks for taking the time out to read this:)