Disclaimer: See Chapter One
Updated: Saturday 14th May 2005
Chapter Seventy Six: Renewed Understanding"Estella?" Sirius called out into the seemingly empty basement, his eyes directed immediately towards a covered object in the centre of the room. Smiling at the goofy blue bow wrapped around the tall, thin object, he tugged off the little card.
Yours to do with as you please!
Curious, Sirius removed the sheet covering the object, reeling back in shock when he recognised his mother's portrait.
His mother's portrait that was no longer an invincible scar on his wall.
His lips curling in a smug, self satisfied grin, Sirius leered at the portrait menacingly. "Goodbye, mother." He drawled, drawing his wand before the woman could even react to her predicament. "Incendio!"
The portrait's screams fading instantaneously (Sirius had put an awful lot of power into the spell), he looked around for his daughter.
"Estella? You can come out now." He furrowed his brow, noticing another small object covered with a sheet in front of him.
'That wasn't there a moment ago.' His mind was sure of it. Shrugging it off, he lifted the sheet covering the narrow object that stood about three feet high.
"Boo!" A small child's voice greeted him, causing him to fall to his knees in shock. Erupting into peels of laughter at the joke, she then stared at him intently, their eyes level, before starting to clap happily when the stunned man blinked.
Sirius was dumbfounded. Turning to his werewolf friend, who didn't hesitate in bending down and scooping up a contended Estella in his arms - looking for all the world to be loving every second - he looked for answers.
"She did this, for me?" He said, his eyes damp with tears of happiness. "I could never think of a gift more giving."
"It's the first thing she thought of." Remus said proudly, "There's an antidote that will have to be given daily. I'm afraid she'll have to regrow into her own age in time for school."
Sirius nodded and stood opposite his friend to look at his toddler daughter longingly, who returned the look with a blank face. "She doesn't know who I am, does she?"
"No." Remus shook his head. "Her mind is that of her 3 year old self. I think she'd like to meet you though." Jiggling the babbling child on his hip, he pointed at Sirius. "Estella." He said, capturing her attention. "I'm going to give you to this man here, alright?"
Sirius held out his hands and accepted the child from Remus. Cherishing the feel of his baby daughter's light weight in his arms, he smiled.
"Hello, Estella." He said, his voice catching in his throat. "I'm your Daddy."
"Daddy?" Estella questioned in her cute little baby voice, patting his cheeks with her small hands.
His heart melted. For Father's Day his child had given him the one thing a father could want the most… the chance to be a father, and his child's trust.
Time was going too quickly for Sirius; he wanted each 'year' to be 364 days long, not a meagre 3; though he was making a show of throwing a party every day as the child grew back to her own age.
"It's arrived!" Sirius was beaming as he accepted the long thin package from the Owl and put his payment into a pouch attached to its leg. "Moony? Did you hear me? It's arrived!"
"What's arrived?" Remus asked in a stage whisper as he bustled into the room. "For goodness sake, Sirius, she's just gotten to sleep, you're going to wake her up!"
"I don't care!" Sirius laughed out loud in unadulterated glee. "I've waited all week for this and now it's here! I want to give it to her straight away!"
"Whatever have you ordered now?" Remus asked warily. "You're spoiling her rotten, Sirius. Severus will kill you."
"So?" Sirius was giddy with his happiness. "He can bloody well take a number and get in line. I won't deny my child, Remus. I want to make up for everything."
"I know you do, Padfoot." Remus sighed. "But Estella isn't like a normal child. We spent ages transfiguring that play gym for her so it was just right and she still goes for the giant yellow ball every time. It's the…"
"…simple things. Yes I know, Moony!" Sirius rolled his eyes. "But come on, it's just a broom! She'll outgrow it in a week. I thought if she flew around the house…"
"You bought her a broom?" Remus frowned, his face pale. "Sirius…"
"I know, she has a fear of falling." Sirius looked at Remus seriously. "But I'll be there for her now, Remus. I'll be there to help her."
"It won't matter, Sirius." Remus grimaced. "She'll still…"
"Don't say that, Remus." Sirius frowned slightly. "It's that kind of negative attitude that isn't encouraging her. She can do anything if she sets her mind to it, I know she can."
"It's nice that you have such faith in her, Sirius, but you don't understand." Remus tried to reason with his friend. "You weren't there."
Sirius looked as though he had just been hit with a unforgivable. "You don't have to rub it in, Remus." He said quietly, his voice gruff.
"I'm sorry, Sirius. I didn't mean for it to come out that way, really I didn't." Remus reneged.
"Why are you so against Estella flying?" Sirius narrowed his eyes at his friend. "This broom goes five feet in the air, tops!"
Suddenly finding his feet very interesting, Remus sighed. "I'm going to tell you something, alright, and I want you to promise me two things."
"Done." Sirius nodded, sitting down, the wrapped package abandoned on the coffee table for the time being.
"Marauder's Oath, Sirius." Remus clarified.
"Tell me what I'm swearing to first." Sirius wasn't stupid.
"One, no one else knows this and I want it to stay that way." Remus stared at his friend, waiting for affirmation before continuing. "Two, when I tell you, don't do anything rash."
"Like what?" Sirius quirked a brow, his curiosity piqued.
"Hex me to Christmas." Remus said with no measure of humour.
"Remus, I don't think there's anything you could do that would make me…" Sirius began.
"Estella almost died on my watch." Remus blurted.
"WHAT?" Sirius roared in shock, leaping to his feet.
"Sirius… sit down." Remus pleaded wearily. "I'll explain."
"Damn right you will." Sirius growled defensively, the vice in his chest still squeezing the life out of him. "Now spill."
"I had been visiting with Estella for the afternoon…" Remus began. "We were playing hide and go seek in one of the old attics below the Astronomy tower after having just watched Quidditch practice…"
Flashback
"Estella, where are you?" Remus called out playfully as he finished counting to ten. When he could see Estella's shoes sticking out from under the hem of a old curtain, the young werewolf smirked. "Oh no…" He drawled theatrically. "Where could she be? I can't seem to find her anywhere!"
When Remus couldn't hear the stifled giggle of the not-so-well hidden child, he frowned. "Estella?" he called out with a unfeigned edge to his voice as he forwent the theatrics to go directly to the curtain. Pulling it back suddenly, he braced himself for the sight of his goddaughter.
"Got…" He started to announce his victory only to inhale sharply when all he found was the girl's shoes.
'Clever girl' he thought to himself as he forced himself not to worry. He was the one who had suggested the game after all, so it was his own fault he had underestimated the four year old's strategic abilities.
After continuing to be empty handed as he turned the room inside out, however, the werewolf could practically feel the grey hairs starting to grow.
"Estella?" He called out firmly in a voice that did not betray his inner turmoil. "Come out now, cub. Game's over. You win."
Nothing.
"Estella, this isn't funny anymore." Remus warned.
Still nothing.
It was then that Remus noticed a door he hadn't seen before… a suspiciously open door. Pushing the old heavy door forcefully, causing the rusty old hinges to creak and moan in protest, Remus opened the door wide enough for a grown man to squeeze through and found himself in a long, dusty corridor, a row of dirty windows bathing the room in distorted afternoon sun. Through the din of dust and cobwebs, at the far end of the room, Remus could see his goddaughter standing by a open window.
"Estella!" Remus called out in alarm. "Stay away from that window."
Either unable to hear him, or unwilling to comply, the small child continued about her business, setting something down on the floor at her feet and standing aside it.
"Up!" The child's voice called out, her determined voice reaching the sensitive ears of the werewolf from where he was running towards her. His eyes went as wide as bludgers when he realised what his goddaughter was doing.
'Merlin, that broom had to be 100 years old!' Remus realised, his heart racing as he tried to get there in time.
"Estella! Don't get on that broom!" Remus shouted out, the panic in his voice evident… but it was too late.
"S'ok, Moony!" The unaffected child turned and waved at him, her feet ready to kick off. "I'm gonna do it just like the 'Kidditch team. Watch me!"
"Estella, no!" Remus lunged for the child as she kicked off enthusiastically, the broom shooting her just out of his reach as he landed in a heap where her feet had just been. "That broom is too old!"
"I'm flying, Moony!" Estella called out excitedly. "Look I'm flying!"
Clambering to his feet, Remus chanced a look out the window. Leaning out of the window slightly, he held his arms out to Estella. "OK, cub, well done." He said shakily, not wanting to alarm the child of her predicament. "Now come on back inside… we'll go get a better broom and start from the ground next time, hmmm?"
"Can't I just fly a bit?" Estella pouted, staying out of his reach as she flew in small circles. "I wanna see how high I can go!"
At that, the hyperactive child began to climb. Like it was happening in slow motion, Remus could only watch on in silent horror as the broom began to shake and disintegrate under the unsuspecting child. The broom was simply too old to be flown… he couldn't even understand why the decommissioned broom had not been destroyed outright.
"Estella! NO!" Remus screamed as pieces of the broom began to fall to the ground. By this time, Estella was slowly beginning to lose altitude. The broom's magic spent, it was becoming unresponsive to its rider's commands.
"Moony? Moony!" Estella cried out, fearful now as she realised the broom wasn't doing what she wanted it to. "I can't get back!"
Now, the broom was failing, jerking around as the wind directed it and oscillating up and down in stagnating bursts as the dying magic tried to sustain itself. Suddenly, the broom handle under Estella's hands splintered, the rotted wood crumbling through her fingers as the magic died completely, and the child was falling.
Estella screamed.
Fear gripping his heart, Remus pulled out his wand and did the only thing he could think of… he summoned the child to him.
Bouncing sharply upwards moments before impacting with the earth, the g-forces the small child was subjected to as she hurtled back up towards her Godfather in the top story of the Castle gave her quite a fright. Landing safely in her shaking Godfather's arms, the child sobbed.
End flashback
"Remus." Sirius said quietly, trying to find the right words. "It was an accident. Could have happened to either me or Sel. Then with a whimsical smile of pride on his face, he added in reverent tones. "She's obviously inherited my sense of adventure…"
"If I hadn't found her, Sirius…" Remus' voice trailed off. "I should never have suggested we play such a game without clearing it of hazards first."
"It was a judgement call." Sirius frowned slightly. "You were in a school, Moony. They're supposed to be safe."
The pair sat in uncomfortable silence.
"I erased her memory of the event." Remus said finally.
Shooting his friend a quizzical look, Sirius shrugged. "Something that traumatic, I probably would have done the same."
"I don't think I did it right." Remus murmured, his eyes downcast. "Every time she's handled a broom since it's turned to dust in her hands."
"No one suspected anything when that started to happen?" Sirius asked, sitting forward in his chair.
"They all think it was accidental magic because of her vertigo." Remus shrugged. "Severus seems to think her vertigo is a subconscious throwback to the spells she was under in Azkaban…"
"What does Estella think?" Sirius asked.
"She didn't mind flying the hippogriff." Remus said, frowning. "When I asked her about her vertigo she told me that she trusted that Buckbeak wouldn't let her fall off, and that she wouldn't get on a broom because she didn't trust it to keep her airborne. I can't help but feel as though I did the spell wrong… I put that fear into her."
"So." Sirius said, standing up and holding out the wrapped broom to his friend. "Be the one who takes it away. You give her the broom."
"I don't know if I can do that, Sirius." Remus said, his face ashen.
"Why the bloody hell not?" Sirius cursed.
"What if she falls?" Remus said fearfully.
"Oh Moony you great big git!" Sirius shook his head at his friend before a noise upstairs caught their attention. "Do you hear that?"
Nodding silently, the two men drew their wands and stealthily made their way upstairs towards the source of the noise. As they reached the landing, it became apparent that the noises were coming from behind Estella's bedroom door… Estella's uncharacteristically closed bedroom door.
The two men exchanging a worried look, they moved towards the door quietly, only to find it locked.
"Estella!" The two men called out, knocking on the door none-too-gently.
Inside, the men could hear Estella's muffled cries, together with something else. Someone else.
"Kreacher!" Sirius hissed to Remus as he stood back to blast the door open.
Kreacher had emerged from his room later that first night, looking to do his Mistress' bidding and had been rather affronted to find his beloved house's heir in such a state. Believing it was the work of some evil plot of Sirius' derision, the house elf watched Estella like a hawk, protecting her. Seeing this, Sirius and Remus had been remiss in assessing what kind of risk the deranged elf would be to the child; and were subsequently beside themselves to find themselves in their present situation.
The pair making short work of the old oak door, Sirius and Remus barrelled into Estella's bedroom, wands at the ready. There, they found Estella struggling against Kreacher, who was trying to administer the full antidote of the aging potion.
"Mistress must drink potion!" Kreacher was screeching at the frightened child. "Mistress is not herself! Mistress must get back to her own age. Mistress will be brainwashed if she stays this way!"
"Kreacher!" Sirius yelled at the elf. "Unhand my daughter this instant!"
"Kreacher is doing what Master ordered, sir. Kreacher is giving Mistress her medicine."
"Don't play coy with me you slimy sack of bones!" Sirius scowled as he grabbed the scrawny house elf by the scruff of the neck. "Now put that potion down before your body finds itself as Buckbeak's next meal and your head finds its way onto the wall!"
At that, the indignant house elf moved the potion bottle closer to Estella's mouth in rebellion.
"No Kreacher!" An approximately five year old Estella wagged her finger at the obstinate house elf sternly, empowered by the presence of her father and godfather. "Bad Kreacher! Very bad! I drink all that at once and I will get really really sick!"
"Kreacher is sorry, Mistress." Kreacher grovelled from the foot of the bed where Sirius had thrown him across the room in his rage, his Quidditch honed reflexes catching the beaker in his other hand as the elf dropped it in transit. "Kreacher is wanting to protect Mistress from her crazy convict father. He is a murderer! He is trying to kill Kreacher."
"He is not! Is NOT!" Estella had glared furiously.
"What Kreacher is fearing is what is happening, Mistress!" Kreacher cried. "Mistress Estella is being brainwashed by the filthy spawn of my Mistress' flesh and his dirty half-breed friend! Destroyed my Mistress' portrait! The shame!"
Sirius didn't know how or why, but something inside himself snapped, despite the immediate threat to his daughter being acquiesced. Before he had a handle on what he was doing, he had the scrawny, malevolent house elf by the neck and was bashing its head into the hardwood floor.
"Why you little…" He growled. "I'll give you shame! You're a shame to house elves!"
"Daddy!" Estella's horrified voice cut through him like a knife through butter. "Stop it! Stop it!"
"Sirius!" The enraged father could feel his friend's hands on him, prying him off the suffocating elf. "We need him, Sirius… you don't want to do this in front of Estella…"
Estella.
Relinquishing his grip on the elf as though burnt, Sirius scrabbled back across the floor, placing as much distance as possible between himself and the object of his fury, who was quickly making an exit. Leaning against the solid brick wall, he then drew his knees to his chest and hugged himself tightly.
What had he done?
"I'm sorry. I'm sorry." He murmured to no one in particular. Throughout his time in Azkaban he had been haunted with images of peril befalling his daughter, and seeing Kreacher holding her down like that sparked a unprecedented fear in him. When the house elf had professed his contrived apologies, Sirius had lost it. How could he have been so inept as a parent to allow his daughter to get into such a situation in the first place? The potion Kreacher was trying to force her to drink may only have made her return to her regular age, but it could very easily have been poison. What if he hadn't thought to check on her then? He wasn't so much angry at the house elf as he was furious with himself for letting his guard down. He'd almost failed his daughter. He'd almost failed Selina.
At the prospect of losing his precious daughter, Sirius began to shudder violently – to his increasingly concerned audience it was almost as though they were witnessing a man suffer under the effects of a Dementor.
"Sirius! Sirius, come on buddy, snap out of it." Remus shook his friend lightly, wary when he noted the fugitive's eyes were glazed and unfocused.
"Daddy?" Estella chewed on her bottom lip worriedly. Her hair was mussed from sleep, and her pyjamas were still twisted as she tugged at her father's sleeve insistently. "It's OK Daddy, I know you didn't mean to hurt Kreacher."
At the sound of his daughter's voice, Sirius emerged from his daze to stare at the child as though she were a stranger. His sane mind, still recovering form its regression, was only just beginning to piece together the events of the past week in his mind and consciously remember about the potion Estella had taken on her birthday.
"Estella?" Sirius voice was shaky. "You're so little."
"I'm not little!" Estella protested, shaking even more of her hair out of her plait as she shook her head violently. "I'm a big girl. I'm nearly six!"
Remembering about the potion and his summer so far, Sirius smiled, feeling much more himself. "Sorry, Missy." He said softly, pulling her close. "Daddy just had a scare."
Sirius was confused then, when the child suddenly wormed her way out of his arms and ran back to her bed. Crestfallen, he bowed his head in defeat. Had he just ruined everything? It appeared, however, that Sirius had again underestimated his daughter for almost as soon as she was gone, she was back… this time brandishing a familiar stuffed dog.
"Here Daddy." Estella said, nudging him with the toy, which was still warm from her bed. "You can have Padfoot tonight, he'll look after you."
Werewolf and animagus exchanged a look and smiled warmly. Everything was going to be alright.
"Sometimes when I have a bad dream Uncle Sev sits by my bed until I fall back asleep." The child explained further. "Do you need me to stay with you, Daddy?"
'Always, sweetheart'. Sirius' heart swelled.
"No, sweetheart, that won't be necessary." Sirius said, picking up his daughter and carrying her back over to the bed. "Big girls need their beauty sleep and I wouldn't want to keep you up."
"Right cos' if I don't get all my beauty sleep I'll wake up in the morning all ugly and grouchy like Kreacher." Estella sniggered.
"So how about I stay with you until you fall back asleep?" Sirius asked gently, sitting on the side of his daughter's bed and smoothing out the bedclothes that had become tangled during her previous slumber.
"'Kay Dad." Estella murmured sleepily, her eyes growing heavy as she succumbed to the comfort of her bed.
Moments later, she was asleep.
The first thing Sirius did after tucking his sleeping daughter in, was go downstairs and throw the juvenile broomstick into the fire.
"Sirius, what are you doing?" Remus followed after his friend, confused.
"She's not flying it." He said testily.
Now Remus was even more confused; but before he could question the man why, the man in question answered for him.
"I thought I could protect her, Moony… keep her safe." Sirius said brokenly. "I thought she would be alright on a broom because I was there. But I couldn't even keep her safe from that blasted house elf! However then, will I be able to save her if she falls?"
Unable to help himself, Remus laughed. "Oh Sirius." He said, clapping the man on the back as he leant on the man for support – save falling on the ground in his mirth. "Welcome to parenthood."
Much to Sirius' delight, Estella had adjusted to the notion of having a father pretty well, though she did have a little trouble reconciling the 'Daddy' she had come to know with the man who she had been raised to believe her father was. Here, Remus came to the rescue several times, explaining to the confused child in a manner that only she could understand, why she possessed such a conflict of information… namely the question of why Sirius wasn't in prison for doing the 'bad thing'.
The hardest times to deal with, however, remained the numerous times Estella would pine for her Uncle. It absolutely tore Sirius' heart out… not just because his daughter was silently yearning for a man he despised, but for the simple fact that his child was depressed and he was helpless to do anything about it. On several occasions he had come close to contacting his brother-in-law and demanding his immediate presence – so desperate was he to make his daughter smile he was willing to endure the man's company – but each time he had been driven to consider such measures either he or Remus had come up with a alternate solution.
One of these was Polyjuice.
Sirius had no idea how on earth Estella had managed to get a hold of a piece of her Uncle – though he highly suspected she requested it from him under false pretences. Then again, he wouldn't put it past his fastidious daughter to have a catalogue of, say strands of hair, from the entire Hogwarts alumni and a ready to go Polyjuice as an extension of her meticulously kept potions kit.
Remus had pulled out the small beaker of the gloopy looking liquid after a particularly harrowing incident, stating that Estella had provided the solution as a last resort and that it had to be used sparingly. There was enough in the container for a dose every two days for the rest of their break, and it turned out to be a godsend.
Although Sirius had wanted to have fun with it and really go to town muddying Severus' reputation in his daughter's eye, Remus was a voice of reason. "She'll be messed up if she remembers her Uncle behaving two different ways." Remus had warned him; and thus it was his trusted friend and co-child wrangler that took on the assumed role.
"Merlin, Remus!" Sirius shook his head in amazement at his friend one night after Estella had gone to sleep. "Sev wasn't really like that with her, was he?"
"I may be embellishing a little." Remus admitted sheepishly "I didn't spend much time with the two of them together; but I am only representing what he would be like if he wasn't busy building those walls around that foolish heart of his."
"I thought you said it would have been too confusing for her, to act differently?" Sirius questioned.
"It would be." Remus confirmed. "I am not acting differently, I am just choosing not to act a certain way."
"You've been ingesting too many of Snape's bodily bits." Sirius scoffed. "It's effecting your mind."
"Prat." Remus retorted.
"Werewolf!" Sirius bit back.
"Convict!" Remus drawled.
"Professor!" Sirius smirked.
"DADDY!" A child's voice screamed from overhead.
Sirius and Remus were up the stairs in a flash. Remus stood at the doorway while Sirius rushed to console his daughter as she flung herself around her twisted bed sheets, drenched in sweat.
"Hush, Missy sweetheart, it was just a bad dream." Sirius cooed soothingly in his daughter's ear, pulling the trembling six year old onto his lap and stroking the sweaty strands of hair out of her face. "Do you want to tell me about it?"
"It wasn't a bad dream, Daddy." Estella sobbed sleepily, burying her face in her father's robes. "It was real."
"What was real, honey?" Sirius asked, rubbing circles on Estella's back as she relaxed in his arms.
Across from them, Remus' face paled. When he'd agreed to go along with Estella's plan, he'd all but forgotten about this.
"Sirius, we need to talk." Remus said softly as the murmuring child fought to stay awake. Sirius looked at him reluctantly. "I need to tell you about Estella's 'dream'."
"In the morning, Moony." Sirius waved him off, not noticing it when his friend flinched at the use of his alter-ego's moniker. "Padfoot's going to watch over his pup tonight." With that, the fraught father transformed into his animagus form and curled up on his daughter's legs, a hand from the sleeping girl instinctively flying down to rest in his fur.
Sighing at the sight of them together, Remus nodded and left the room, closing the door quietly behind him.
Inhumanly early the next morning, Remus was awoken to peals of laughter and a dog barking. Out in the hall, a pyjama clad Estella was running – a blur of hair and limbs – away from the playful Padfoot, who was chasing her with a massive yellow earth ball.
It was their favourite game of 'dodge ball'.
When Estella had been in her three year old form, Remus had spelled a stress ball to inflate into a massive ball, some four feet in diameter, in an effort to get her mind off Severus. The lightweight sponge was bouncy and caused the amused child no end of entertainment. He was, of course, referring to Sirius as being the child. The man had been in absolute hysterics when he'd rolled the over-sized ball to his daughter and, dwarfed by the massive thing, the ball had simply bounced off her harmlessly, causing her to stagger back with the momentum, confused and stunned. The second time, she'd anticipated the soft oomph of the ball and thrown her body into it determinedly, sending the ball back to her father with a little more force as she laughed maniacally and urged him on for more.
It had snowballed from there.
Padfoot liked 'dodge ball' too, and so the game at evolved into a growing game of cat and mouse. The house became their playground… the play gym being long discarded and forgotten.
"I'm living with delinquents!" Remus threw his hands up in the air and returned to the sanctuary of his room to try and salvage a few more hours sleep. "Haven't you ever heard of sleep?"
Estella stopped in her tracks and stared blankly at her Godfather's closed door before shrugging and turning to Padfoot.
"Let's go make Uncle Remus breakfast in bed." She urged.
Sirius padded after his daughter in his animagus form, ever grateful that Kreacher had taken to remaining in his rooms until summoned.
What was that Remus had wanted to speak to him about? His mind recalled the parting words of his friend the night before.
Later that night, Sirius was dismayed to hear about his daughter's close call with Moony. Realising that he had caused Severus the same grief in his fifth year, it certainly put a lot of things into a new perspective. On some level he even began to appreciate the way the man operated. Hearing how it had happened to his own child, he acknowledged it was a unimaginably horrible thing to consciously inflict upon another person.
"Do you forgive me?" Remus asked brokenly, looking at his friend pleadingly.
"I'm sorry?" Sirius asked. "What do you have to apologise for?"
"Sirius, did you not hear anything I just said? I almost attacked Estella!"
"I heard you, Remus." Sirius said firmly. "But it wasn't you was it? It was Moony! In any event, nothing came of it."
"I gave her nightmares." Remus said, then, correcting himself when Sirius glared at him. "Moony gave her nightmares."
"It's unfortunate, I won't deny that." Sirius said carefully. "But I've seen how you are with her, Remus. I've seen how she adores you. I trust you would never willingly harm her. It's in the past."
"Good grief Sirius, I never thought you would be so accepting of this!" Remus blurted.
"You're my friend, Remus." Sirius said simply, with a pensive look on his face. "And you've clearly been punishing yourself enough over this as it is."
"What do you mean?" Remus asked.
"You let Estella keep the memory, like you wanted her to have something against you." Sirius observed. "Which only tells me that you actually told Severus of the encounter and subjected yourself to his wrath."
"I deserved no less." Remus bowed his head.
"You don't deserve the curse, Remus." Sirius shook his head sadly. "Don't expect me to believe that you deserve to be held accountable for what the wolf does. He's not you, Remus."
"He is." Remus said.
"No, he's not." Sirius said firmly. "Listen, the rest of the Wizarding world may not be able to tell the difference, but they've never taken the time to get to know a man with Lycanthropy! You have to stop beating yourself up over things you have no control over. It's not your fault!"
Remus nodded. For the first time in his life since the attempted attack, he was truly at ease with himself. If the father of the child he almost maimed could forgive him so readily, then forgiving himself was the next logical step.
"Moony." Sirius said suddenly, his eyes staring past the man before him to settle on the growing collection of photographs they had been amassing over the past few weeks. "What was Estella's first word?"
Remus looked at his friend curiously, he had been expecting this question a lot sooner.
"Snake." He said quietly, a troubled expression on his face.
"Snake?" Sirius questioned, shivering at the Slytherin implications. "Whatever made her say that?"
"Summon your pensieve." Remus said, drawing out his wand. "I'll show you."
Flashback
It was Estella's first birthday. Remus was returning the child to her uncle in his dungeon quarters after having spent a few hours with her to mark the occasion.
"Severus!" Remus greeted the man at the door excitedly as he set Estella on her feet in front of him. "Stand back and watch this!"
Letting go of the balancing child's arms, both men watched in awe as the small child balanced on her own two feet unassisted.
"Call her to you." Remus urged, keeping his hands close to the child in case she should lose her balance.
Looking put out, Severus squatted down and looked at the child levelly. "Estella?"
In response, the child in question babbled happily and smiled. Clapping her hands in excitement, her balance faltered and she almost pitched forward before righting herself by putting her foot forward triumphantly. Behind her, Remus followed, urging her on proudly.
"That's it, cub, one foot after the other."
As Severus held out his hands to catch the toddling child as she threw herself towards him, his left sleeve hitched up, revealing the faint outline of his Dark Mark – all but scar on his pale skin.
"Sssssnake!" Estella's baby babble formed a word for the first time as the imprint of the most feared symbol in the Wizarding world caught her eye. Stabbing her chubby little baby finger at his forearm victoriously, her little mouth wrapped itself around spoken language once more. "Snake!"
Shocked, Severus pulled his arm away, obscuring the offensive mark from view as he exchanged a weary look with the child's Godfather, who was beside himself.
"I thought the mark had disappeared completely, Severus?" Remus asked quietly as the man before him rose hastily, the child in his arms apparently unaffected by the most recognisable symbol of evil. The fact that his goddaughter had just uttered her first word was pushed to the back of his mind for the time being. "What do you think this could mean?"
"I noticed the faintest outline of it return this afternoon after you picked Estella up." Severus sighed. "I can only assume it has something to do with today being the first anniversary."
"Of course." Remus nodded his head, relieved.
"If it remains, I shall inform the headmaster."
End flashback
"Did it remain?" Sirius asked, feeling somewhat uncomfortable about his daughter being subjected to such a symbol; not to mention disturbed at the notion of Estella's first steps being in a dungeon, towards a man that wasn't him.
"The mark never left his skin." Remus confirmed. "You couldn't see it unless you were up close. I never got close enough to see it myself until just before Estella's ninth birthday when it got a little darker. Course, you already know what happened that year."
"Quirrel." Sirius grimaced, his head still reeling from that particular story. "Merlin I am glad Estella wasn't a student that year."
"Really?" Remus frowned. "I would have thought of her sitting next to the man at the head table every meal time was worse."
Sirius blanched. His daughter had dined with the Dark Lord every day right under Dumbledore's nose.
The world had gone mad.
"What was her second word…."
"I can't believe you're doing this." Remus shook his head for the tenth time that day.
It was a week before school was due to go back, a week or so after the 'shrieking shack nightmare', and Sirius had decided that he wanted to invite Severus over.
"It's time we talked." Sirius said simply. "Before I lose my nerve."
"Can't this wait until school goes back, surely you don't want Estella to witness a possible confrontation?" Remus was worried.
"If I don't do it now, Moony, I never will." Sirius said resolutely. "It's too late to change my mind anyway, I sent Snape the Portkey this morning."
"What?" Remus was shocked. Sirius was really going to go through with this! Of all the foolish, impulsive, Gryffindor things to do!
"Do me a favour and keep Estella occupied and out of sight." Sirius said. "Go upstairs now, Snape will be here any moment."
Remus could only nod, for the man in question had just appeared. Acknowledging him with a passing gesture, he hurried up stairs to his goddaughter, hoping to Merlin that Sirius wasn't underestimating Severus' ability to push his buttons.
Downstairs, the childhood enemies stared at each other challengingly, in a sort of tense, silent stand off.
"Hello, Black." Severus drawled sarcastically.
"Snape." Sirius quipped, walking into the drawing room without bothering to check if his guest had followed.
He had.
"I'll cut straight to the chase." Sirius said shortly, turning to face his brother in law while he leant against the far wall, Severus himself preferring to stand rigidly in the centre of the room. "I heard about what happened at the Shrieking Shack."
"And you wish to reprimand my supervisory abilities?" Severus interjected. "How… quaint."
"I wish to apologise." Sirius said exasperatedly, shaking his head as he pushed off from the wall agitatedly. "For what happened in our fifth year."
"How typical." Severus leered, taking a step towards Sirius. "I for one do not wish to profit from my niece's bad experiences."
"Are you suggesting that I would do such a thing?" Sirius growled defensively, circling around Severus slowly.
"Well what do you call this?" Severus sneered, his hand deceptively close to his wand as he stood proudly with his hands folded across his chest.
"An attempt at maturity." Sirius sneered back, getting right in Severus' face now. "Listen, Snape, I didn't bring you here to argue."
"And I didn't come here to make you feel better about yourself." Severus cut back. "Where's Estella?"
"That's not your concern." Sirius said offhandedly, turning away slightly.
"I raised her. She's my niece. It is my concern!" Severus growled.
"Oh yes, dear brother in law. Pray tell how that came to pass." Sirius was having a hard time holding onto his temper as he turned back to look his brother in law in the eye. "I know what I did in my fifth year was stupid, but I was fifteen, fifteen! What was your excuse?"
"I don't have to explain myself to you." Severus snarled defensively, less willing than his opponent to break out with the apologies. "Estella is aware of my reasons, that's enough."
His logic snapping, Sirius pounced, shoving Severus against the wall roughly and pointing his wand at the taller man's neck.
"How could you?" He spat hoarsely.
"How could you leave your pregnant wife to go foolishly try and take the law into your own hands?" Severus asked coolly. "Unhand me this instant"
"I wasn't thinking." Sirius spat, letting go of his brother in law with a forceful shove.
"Nor was I." Severus said simply, smirking. "Satisfied with my answer? No, I thought not. Quid pro quo, Black."
"What would you have done." Sirius hissed. "If you found Selina dead and knew the man responsible? Stay and wait for the Aurors? Go home and twiddle your thumbs? I think not, Snivellus."
"For all I knew you had killed those Muggles." Severus responded. "Without evidence. Without Pettigrew, anything I could have said wouldn't have helped. Either way you were facing a life sentence. Would you have rather had your daughter pine for you daily, incapable of moving on in her life because she couldn't have you?"
"You just wanted revenge!" Sirius shouted, poking Severus hard in the chest with his index finger; his rational mind unwilling to accept how logical Severus' explanation was turning out to be.
"I won't deny that." Severus smirked, brushing Sirius' hand away from him in a forceful swipe. "Azkaban has a rather profound effect on its inmates."
"You know what it's like there, yet still you didn't even try!" Sirius was outraged.
"Would you have done the same for me?" Severus asked suddenly. Sirius hesitated. "I thought not. Now, I would like to see my niece."
"You can't." Sirius shook his head furiously, side stepping to block the man's path. He couldn't see her in her de-aged form.
"I have not seen her for several weeks." Severus pinched the bridge of his nose irritably. "Save for a letter asking me to dispose of packages unsighted, I've heard no word since I relinquished her to the custody of a deranged convict and a werewolf; nor have I been able to come here unbidden without a invitational Portkey. Since I am here, I insist on seeing her. I took away her memories of this house with good reason."
"Yes Severus, how is it that my beloved mother's portrait was familiar with my child?" Sirius seethed openly. "You accepted an invitation here?"
"Your mother did not die until a little before Estella's fourth birthday." Severus glared at the spot in the wall where the family tapestry used to hang, absently wondering how they had managed to get it down. "When the woman was lucid enough she'd send invitation. I couldn't refuse her."
"Why not?" Sirius spat. "I can't believe you would subject an infant…"
"It was the lesser of two evils, Black!" Severus hissed. "If I did not cooperate the blasted woman would have rightfully petitioned for custody! You of all people should know how inept the Ministry can be in making the correct decisions!"
"If there were others in line to take care of her, why did you bother?" Sirius glared at his brother-in-law suspiciously. "You wanted to turn her against me?" Severus didn't say anything. Sirius smirked. "Well, it didn't work by any means."
"I won't merit that question with an answer." Severus said lowly. "As for your previous question, no matter who their father was, she is still a Snape."
"Oh shut up Severus. One might start to think you cared." Sirius quipped.
"Of course I care you imbecilic moron!" Severus snapped. "Contrary to popular belief I am not a monster. Now, I refuse to answer to you. I want to see my niece, now!"
"Don't tell me you missed having her around? I would have thought she reminded you of me constantly." Sirius smirked, baiting him.
"I'm not going to beg you, Black, if that's what you want." Severus said lowly. "I will see my niece before I leave, one way or another."
"You sound almost worried about her… how quaint." Sirius smirked again, mimicking the irate housemaster's earlier comment before becoming deadly serious. "She's perfectly safe, I assure you."
"Uncle Sev?" A child's voice cried out happily from the doorway, running into the room with a dishevelled Lupin on her heels.
"I'm sorry Sirius, she heard voices and I couldn't keep her away." Remus panted.
"You instructed your little half-breed friend to keep my niece away from me?" Severus' voice turned to ice. Estella stopped short a few feet from her Uncle, sensing his anger. His eyes assessing her more thoroughly, the revered potions master frowned. "What happened to you?"
"What do you mean, Uncle Sev?" The clearly younger child of around 10 shrugged. "Where have you been?"
"You're younger!" Severus spluttered, his eyes narrowing as he glared at Lupin and Black in turn.
"Severus, calm down, we can explain." Remus said quietly, going on to briefly explain about the potion. He'd have preferred to enter into this assuredly volatile conversation without the child present, but he knew Estella would never stand for it – not when she was at that young age, and especially not when she had not seen her Uncle for months (as far as her metabolic clock was concerned, given each week was over two years to her mind).
"She did WHAT?" Severus roared. "You LET her do this? How could you be so irresponsible!" His face paled. "Do you have any concept of what would have happened to her if she had gotten the tiniest thing wrong? She could have died! I always knew your assurances weren't worth the air they were carried on, Black, but not even I thought you could be so reckless as to endanger your child's life for your own selfish gratification!"
"I had faith in her abilities." Remus said firmly, placing his hands on the said child's shoulders to comfort her emerging distress. "It was a surprise for Sirius. He didn't know. Stop being such a pessimist for five seconds and allow yourself to be proud."
"Proud?" Severus echoed Lupin's words experimentally. Sure, he was extremely impressed – and perhaps a little proud – that Estella had so evidently pulled off the potion; but that still doesn't atone for the fear that gripped his heart at the risk it had come at. "The risk far outweighed the gain. Black, I'll grant you didn't know. Lupin, I can excuse your inferior understanding of the subtle art of potion making; but you, young lady! What was your excuse! You know never to attempt a new potion without supervision!"
Lips quivering in confusion, Estella burst into tears and ran upstairs to her room, slamming the door shut behind her.
"Why did you have to do that, Snape?" Sirius spat. "You should know the effects of the potion. She doesn't even remember brewing it yet!"
"Don't question me." Severus snapped. "Where did she go?"
"To her room." Remus gestured. "It's this way."
"You are not going up there." Sirius protested.
"Stop me, Black. I dare you to try." Snape sneered.
"I won't have you hurt my daughter." Sirius grabbed the man's arm forcibly. "She meant well."
"Let go of me, Black." Severus glared at his brother in law. "Lupin, how long has she been under the effects of the potion?"
"Since Father's Day." Remus counted.
"That's three weeks!" Severus growled, his Slytherin mind working quickly to take advantage of his opponent's inferior knowledge of potions. "That's the longest anyone can remain in a de-aged state! I assume she's been administering the antidote gradually?" The men nodded. "Then we must give her the rest immediately."
After talking their way into Estella's room, Remus explained gently that she had to drink a special blue medicine from a vial. Less than an hour later, she was back to herself.
"What the hell did you do that for?" She bellowed. "We still had a week left!"
"No we didn't." Sirius shook his head in confusion. "Your Uncle said the longest time was three weeks."
"Liar." Estella scowled, rounding on her Uncle. "What are you doing here? You ruined everything!"
"Your father reminded me of the ineffectuality of reprimanding your younger self for such irresponsible behaviour in a potion's lab." Severus smirked, his eyes glinting malevolently when his adversaries realised they had been duped into delivering the antidote unnecessarily early. "Now I can hold you accountable."
"You can't tell me what to do!" Estella cried indignantly. "Can he, Dad?"
Severus flinched. "I have authoritative precedence when it comes to your conduct in a potions lab!" He interjected before Sirius could answer. "You took advantage of your guardian's lack of knowledge and abused the resource I gave you. You knew when I gave you the book what the terms were. What do you have to say for yourself?"
"I don't know." Estella paused. "I believed I was good enough to brew the potion and circumstances prevented me from…"
"That's no excuse." Severus snapped.
"Now listen here, Snape!" Sirius leapt to his daughter's defence. "I think she sounds more than reasonable!"
"Stay out of this, Black." Severus commanded, drawing his wand. "You're out of your league."
"She's my daughter!" Sirius roared, drawing his own wand; the men now poised in a volatile stand off. "Alright, so it was a risky potion – Estella, I'm concerned you took such a calculated risk, I don't know what I'd do if anything happened to you – but Snape, get over it. It's happened. She is alright. You said yourself it's a bloody hard potion. I am proud of my daughter and don't want to spend precious time punishing her for what is really a achievement."
"You fool, Black." Severus grated his teeth. "You rash, foolish, irresponsible sad excuse of a father. You raise a child with that attitude and they would be lucky to see their first birthday."
"Stop it." Estella said quietly.
"Severus is right." Remus said suddenly, his skin pulled taut over his face. "We can't just shrug off a indiscretion and move on."
"Remus! I can't believe you're siding with him!" Sirius gaped at his friend. "You and I both know that Estella's potion skills far outstrip ours! We… you… trusted her and she made a judgement call on her own merit. She didn't do anything wrong!"
"She disobeyed her Uncle." Remus said quietly. "He had imposed restrictions on the book she used…"
"She doesn't have to live by his rules in my house!" Sirius scoffed indignantly. "Besides, it's utterly pathetic to give a child a book then dictate to them how they use it! What kind of person gives a child something that could be a danger to them?"
"Stop it!" Estella said a little more firmly. No one noticed.
In the moments that followed, no one was sure what happened. Far beyond the temptation to hex each other beyond their next birthday, the two warring brothers-in-law disregarded words and reason, suddenly embroiling themselves in a physical free for all; with Remus in the middle struggling to pull them apart.
STOP IT! Estella's mind screamed. "STOP IT!" She wailed aloud, a burst of raw magical energy exploding inside her, blasting the three men apart and sending them flying in opposite directions around the room.
Hit head on by the flying body of her father, Estella staggered back in momentum and barrelled into the desk, her hands flailing behind her and, one hand grasping the Spanner Portkey blindly as she scrabbled for purchase, the other hand landing heavily on the time turner with a sickening crunch. With the unleashed magic of the smashed time turner blending with the raw natural strength of the magical outburst she had just displayed, the Portkey activated just as Estella was vaporised out of her time in a blinding flash of light.
Severus, who had just looked up from his place sprawled on the floor in time to see his niece disappear, glared automatically at the two dazed men left in the room. "What did you do? Where did the Portkey take her?"
"It wasn't a Portkey." Sirius said harshly as he pointed a shaky hand towards the desk, where a telltale chain was dangling, broken.
Stunned, Remus walked towards the desk, picking up the time turner's chain, he cleared his throat.
"She must have landed on the time turner." He said weakly. "It broke." He closed his hands around the innocent looking chain as the facts began to sink in for the three men in the room.
Estella was lost in time.
"It's all your fault!" Father and Uncle yelled at each other, drawing wands.
Remus stood between the two men, breaking them up. "Please, arguing now isn't going to solve anything!" He said. Look what it had done already! "We have to go to Dumbledore!"
We have to get her back…
"Ah, gentleman." Albus Dumbledore greeted the men as they arrived in his offices unannounced. The fact that one of them was a wanted criminal did not appear to phase him in the least. "So it has happened."
The three younger men exchanged a look.
"Wait, you mean you knew what was going to happen, but you didn't do anything?" Sirius cried, feeling betrayed.
Dumbledore had the decency to lower his head shamefully. "Far be it my place to meddle with fate." He explained.
"How is it possible?" Sirius asked. "What's going on."
"What do you mean?" Severus added, a sick feeling forming in the pit of his stomach.
"Where's Estella?" Remus threw in for good measure.
"Gentleman, gentleman…" Albus gestured his hands for the three men to sit and be quiet.
"How far back?" Sirius and Remus both questioned impatiently.
"Summer 1975 if my memory serves me correctly." Albus replied, popping a lemon drop into his mouth. "I assure you she's quite safe."
"How come we don't remember her?" Severus asked.
"Because her presence didn't belong in the past you imbecile!" Sirius rounded on his brother-in-law, seething with disdain. "Don't you pay attention to anything? She concealed her identity, didn't she?"
Severus sneered at his arch nemesis. "Headmaster, this man is a wanted criminal!" He pointed out indignantly, stabbing his finger at the man in question. "We need to inform the Ministry."
"Ah, yes, about that Severus." Albus said gravely. "I must say I am disappointed in you for leading me to believe young Mr Black was the Potter's Secret Keeper when you knew it to be someone else."
Sirius looked at Severus triumphantly, who had the good graces to look sheepish.
"There was still the possibility he killed those Muggles…"
"Possible, but unlikely when viewed in light of the facts!" Remus interjected.
"Quite right, Mr Lupin, quite right." Albus levelled his gaze at Severus, the twinkle in his eyes all but extinguished. "I think you will agree now, Severus, that there is no need to alert the Ministry of Mr Black's location at this time." Hardening his gaze upon seeing the reticent Slytherin's face he added. "In fact, I insist upon it!"
For all intensive purposes, the Slytherin Housemaster looked as though he had just swallowed a lemon drop. "Did she come to the school? Did we know her?" He asked gruffly, changing the subject.
"I don't know, gentleman." Albus asked quietly. "Does the name Aries Ollerton ring a bell?"
End Chapter: Renewed Understanding