Never thought as Crabbe or Goyle being the least bit intelligent.... but I tried to give them a couple of surprsingly smart-ish answers. Oh yeah, I hate Pansy, and will write anything to make her look stupid :D Enjoy!

Snape snuck through the Slytherin common room. Snuck, because it was 3 o'clock in the morning, and through the Slytherin common room, because he was after surveys.

He walked over to the couch near the fire. Nothing on the couch, nothing near the couch, nothing under - no, something was underneath the couch. What was this? PlayWizard?

He had a quick flick through; scantily clad women waved up at him cheekily. He was about to put it back when a note fell out. Hmm... he thought as he picked it up. Reading it, his eyes widened:

Dear Pansy

Know you love these magazines, and you're right; this is so much better than looking at guys! Anyway, I know you haven't got this issue yet, so enjoy.

X

Snape dropped the letter in horror. Pansy?! He backed away from the couch and looked at the entrances to the dormitories. With a deep sigh, he crept through a door.

Malfoy, Zabini, Nott, Crabbe, and Goyle, he thought to himself. Who to start with first? Snape didn't bother checking out Draco; they already had his survey. So... who then?
Suddenly, Blaise sat up in bed, wide-eyed... and staring straight at Snape. "Professor?" he asked. "What are you doing here?"
Snape stared at him in horror. "Umm..." he said, as he desperately tried to think of an excuse. This didn't happen to Minerva! he thought, alarmed. A sudden idea hit him, and he looked at Blaise. "You're dreaming, Blaise," he said calmly. Blaise looked confused. "Huh?" he mumbled. Snape raised an eyebrow. "I said you're dreaming. Why else would I be in your dormitory, and why else would I be calling you Blaise?" said Snape in an almost-bored voice. Inside he was screaming in panic. Blaise narrowed his eyes. Oh shit, thought Snape. He doesn't believe me!
In a spur of desperation, Snape threw his hands up in the air. "Well... It'd have to be a dream if I started dancing, wouldn't it?" he said in a kind of whispered yell. Blaise's face clouded in thought, and then changed to a look of acceptance. "I guess," said Blaise. Snape stared at him in look of both horror and relief. "Damn," he muttered under his breath, before reluctantly starting an extremely slow, quiet, tap dance-hop, while waving his arms around like a madman, and softly singing "You're dreaming Blaise, you're dreaming!" over and over again.

Gradually, Blaise dropped back off to sleep, and Snape almost sprinted out of the room, with his fist in his mouth to stop himself from screaming. He strode through the common room, shaking with a mix of fear, relief, and disgust. "Stuff it," Snape said to himself, and then a bit louder. "Stuff it! If Minerva and Albus want surveys, they can bloody get them themselves!" he said as he walked out the entrance to the common room. He was just about to head off to his office for a quick nightcap before bed (It was after all, now 3:30am), when he noticed something lying on the ground... couple of pieces of parchment, nothing to worry about... but Snape's stomach dropped when he recognized the format. Two surveys, sitting out here the whole time, while he searched inside, and almost blew the teachers cover. He stared at them... then stooped over, picked them up, and strode away.

When the rest of the teachers finally stopped laughing at him, Snape glared around the table, before pulling out a survey and placing it in front of him. "Here, read that. I don't know how interesting it'll be though... it's Crabbes."
The staff suppressed groans, and started reading anyway...

Starting time? 4:56pm

Personal

Full name? Vincent Horatio Crabbe

Nicknames? Mummy calls me Vincey!

Birthday? 21st of October

Age? Hang on... wait, don't have enough fingers, I'll just get my shoes off...lets see...that's...5......another 5, ... another 5... 2, so that's...16?

17 you stupid git :P

Thanks Draco! So I'm 17. Wow!

Sex? Male

Siblings? Draco! What does 'siblings' mean?

Brothers and/or sisters

Thanks! Nah, don't have any brothers and/or sisters.

Yeah, I wonder why :P

What do you mean?

Don't worry Crabbe. Just finish your survey, there's a good boy ... (omg).

Star sign? Libra

Single or taken? Single

Hair? Dark brown

Eyes? Brown

Best and worst features (in your opinion)? Dunno, really...

Blood? Pure

Pets? Well, we used to have a rabbit, but Mummy said that it had to go to some "farm in the sky" or something :P

In other words, it died.

Of course Draco. What else?

...you mean you understood?

Der :P You think I'm stupid or something? Hahaha...

A bit more personal

First kiss - who/where/when? Millicent Bullstrode/Slytherin common room/This year. She was a bit drunk, but.

Ever pashed? No

Still a virgin? N...oh, I mean yes.

If not, who/where/when?

Current crush? Erm... argh, fine. Pansy. Sorry Draco.

Ha, no, that's fine. Really, she's all yours!

Really?

Absolutely!

Ever had a crush on a teacher? Nope

Who do you hate the most? Harry Potter. But only 'cos Draco tells me to :P

What do you sleep in? ...my bed?

School

What house are you in? Well, I'm not in a house at the moment; I'm at school.

Bloody hell, you're in Slytherin, Crabbe.

I know I am. So are you Draco!

...? Never mind...

Who is your favourite teacher? Professor Snape

Who is your least favourite teacher? Erm... dunno. Draco?

Just say Hagrid, ok?

Thanks! It's Hagrid, ok?

Favourite subject? Anything that's got food in it...

Successes? I got on the Slytherin Quidditch team!

Rule breaker? Dunno. I just do what Draco tells me to.

Friends

Besties? Goyle, Draco.

Loudest? Hmmm...

Wouldn't you say Pansy?

...Well, yeah, I would, but I thought you might get angry!

Ha, no way!

Really? Cool! Ok, so the loudest is Pansy (even if I'm not real good friends with her :P). I mean, all she ever does is whine whine whine. I swear, one day I'm just going to shove a chair down her throat or something to shut her up!

I can't wait :D

Shyest? Goyle

Who do you go to for advice? Draco

In life

Ever:

Been Close To Death? Nope

Been Cursed? ...probably. Don't really know :P

Killed Someone? Nah, but me and Goyle have threatened to kill people. The reaction you get is usually quite funny, too...

Saved Someone? No

Been in love? Ahh... umm... well...

No?

Yeah! That's it! Thanks Draco!

Smoked? Yep

Gone skinny-dipping? No

Ugh, thank Christ for that. That's one sight I never want to see :P

Broken the law? Nah

Made yourself cry to get out of trouble? Yep :D

What?! When?!

That time in Transfiguration when McGonagall was gonna go off at me for blowing up her desk. I don't think you were there, but I started crying about how I couldn't do magic properly... and she felt sorry for me! Haha... and then when we had Charms, I blew up Flitwicks cupboard. So much fun... :D

Made yourself throw up? Nah

Kissed a toad? Are you tryingto make me throw up?

Been rejected? Yeah; I asked Pansy out in 5th year. Still remember the slap she gave me :P Oh well...

Fallen for your best friend? Well, actually...

Ha, just joking Draco :P

Used someone? Nope

Been used? Yeah...

Most embarrassing moment? Ahh... well, I'd just watched The Full Monty, and... argh, I was inspired, and, well... Snape caught me practicing. Shut up!

Scariest moment? Waking up in a cupboard in 2nd year. I was scared to go anywhere near muffins for a month...

Dream job? Underwear model :D

!!! I'm going to have nightmares for a month now. Thanks Crabbe :

Hahaha...

Role model? Draco

Really?

No. Come on, I'm not that stupid...

:P

Goal in life? To graduate from Hogwarts

Special talents? Erm...don't think I really have any. I'm pretty strong, though!

Favourites

Animal? Bear. Pandas are pretty cool, too. Rather cuddly.

Colour? Yellow

Food? Shepherds Pie... mmm...

Drink? Pumpkin juice!

Place to shop? Honeydukes :D

Spell? Any spell that I can actually do is a favourite :P

Thing you own? Broomstick

Thing to do? Ooooh, that's a toughy! Either play Quidditch, eat, or look for trouble...

Quidditch team/position? Actually, I quite like Gryffindor, I mean, they always win and everyth-OW! Draco! Fine, Slytherin. And position? Umm... oh, I know, beater! That's what I play! Har har...

Motto/quote? Ahh...what did Goyle write... food hey? Umm... food is good? Damn...

Morning or night? Morning

Summer or winter? Winter

Lefty or righty? Lefty

Gold or silver? Silver

Last...

Person to make you cry? Dad. He dropped a table on my foot :(

Person to see you cry? Mum and dad

Person you were mean to? Some Hufflepuff 2nd year. Threatened to drop him in the Lake if he didn't give me a chocolate frog...

But Crabbe, you know we've got a whole box full of chocolate up in the dorm!

...I had cravings. Oh well...

Time you fought with your parents? ???

Time you made a wish? ???

Time you laughed? Ahh... half an hour ago? When Draco made fun of Harry Potter, anyway.

Hell yeah!

Time you read a book? ???

Hahaha...

Thing you ate? Food

What

Are you scared of most? Professor Snape when he's in a bad mood

Are you listening to right now? Slytherins talking, the fire...not much else.

Are you wearing right now? Clothes?

Do you think of these surveys? Erm...yeah. They're ok I guess. Not really used to them though...

Is your least favourite thing to do? Schoolwork :P

Is your biggest hope/dream? I become King of England. That, or it starts raining pie :D

What's worse:

Barfing on your date or your date barfing on you? Being thrown up on!

Seeing someone die or you dying? Seeing someone die

Being helpless or doing something you will regret? Being helpless. That would suck.

Most likely to respond to this? Goyle

Most likely not to respond to this? Pansy

Time now? 5:34pm

McGonagall looked up. "Well, he's not that stupid..." she said... before bursting out in giggles. Flitwick joined in. "No wonder he's in Slytherin," he chuckled. Snape just glared.
Hope you liked it!