Updated: Friday 17th June 2005
Disclaimer: Not mine.
Chapter Eighty Nine: Breaking Habits"…Now I'm ready to close my eyes
And now I'm ready to close my mind
And now I'm ready to feel your hand
And lose my heart on the burning sands
And now I wanna be your dog
And now I wanna be your dog
Now I wanna be your dog
Well c'mon…" (1) Sirius sang with abandon, lost in his own little world.
"Well transform then, and stop torturing me with that wailing!" Estella leant against the doorframe, an amused smirk on her face as she saw her father startle at her unannounced presence.
"Estella! I didn't hear you coming!" Sirius spun around from the kitchen bench, where he had been making himself a coffee, and blinked at his daughter.
"I'd be surprised if you could have heard anything at all." Estella continued to smirk as she took a step into the room.
"How long have you been standing there?" Sirius mock-scowled at his daughter, slightly embarrassed at being caught out singing to himself so wholeheartedly. "…and don't smirk like that! You look entirely too much like a Snape when you do!"
Estella cocked a brow at her father in amused challenge and took another step toward her father.
"Oh now look, that's just worse!" Sirius shook his head and rubbed his temples, playing along. He too took a step towards the centre of the room. "I fear I shall have to regale you with another song!"
"Oh no, Dad, not another song!" Estella assumed a face of fake horror and covered her ears dramatically. "Anything but that! I can't do magic out of school! There'd be no escaping it!"
"Good." Sirius challenged her with a smirk of his own, and took another step towards her, inescapably closing the gap. Wrapping her in his arms, he kissed the top of her head. "Got you."
"I'm really scared." Estella drawled, snuggling into the embrace and yawning on account of the early hour. "Look, I'm shaking."
"Happy New Year, kiddo." Sirius smiled into her hair, and gave her a final squeeze before pulling away. It never ceased to amaze him just how far they had come since their very first meeting, that night in the Tower. "I can't believe you fell asleep before midnight!"
"Yeah, well, I was kinda tired!" Estella yawned again. "And what are you saying, you're the big lump that fell asleep on my feet first!"
"Yeah, well, I was kinda tired!" Sirius mimicked his daughter. "We'll have to do something nice for Moony, since he got us off to bed."
"What are you thinking?" Estella asked eagerly. "Breakfast in bed?"
"Better." Sirius said, a malevolent glint to his eye. "I was thinking more along the lines of a early morning serenade."
"Dad…" Estella warned.
"What? We missed midnight! I didn't get to sing Auld Lang Syne!" Sirius protested. "I refuse to wait a whole year! Besides, I've been warming up for it all morning!"
"You were going to wake us all up with your singing with a Sonorus Charm, weren't you?" Estella narrowed her eyes at her father.
He grinned sheepishly. "I was going to give you all another half hour, but I see you beat me." He pouted. "Spoil sport. I had it all planned!"
"I'm sure you did." Estella said. "But if you want to start off the new year with a disgruntled Werewolf and Death Eater on your case, then it's your funeral."
"Your Uncle stayed here last night?" Sirius frowned. "Bugger. I'm jovial, not suicidal."
"Good call." Estella nodded, hauling herself up onto the counter, so that she could face her father as he returned to his coffee brewing. "So how long you been up for, anyway?"
"Too long." Sirius yawned, a quietly pensive look coming over his face before he shook it off and stirred his coffee.
"Dad…" Estella asked, leaning forward so that her head rested on his shoulder. Something about the sudden shift in her father's demeanour had sparked a concern. "How come I never see you sleep?"
"Because I sleep when you're asleep." Sirius said simply, absently spooning sugar into his coffee.
"That's not what I meant, and you know it." Estella frowned slightly. "You always sleep in your animagus form… and never in a bed."
"What makes you say that?" Sirius stopped stirring his coffee and looked at his daughter. "I am always up before you."
"Not always." Estella gave him a knowing look. "I found you on the couch yesterday, and the morning before Padfoot was giving me a dead leg."
"Got to stop you duelling in your sleep somehow." Sirius joked lightly, referring to Estella's tendency to sleep restlessly, before taking a sip of his coffee and promptly spitting it out because it was too sweet. "Ugh!"
"Something is bothering you." Estella looked at him assertively. "You must have put 8 teaspoons of sugar in that cup, and you didn't even notice!"
"Well maybe I wanted my coffee sweet." Sirius argued lightly, forcing himself to take another sip of the sickening brew to prove his point.
"Dad…" Estella said.
"Estella…" Sirius echoed.
"It's not funny." She frowned. "I'm worried about you."
"Don't be silly." Sirius smiled weakly and tried to brush it off. "That's my job, not yours."
"Have you even been in your room since we've been here?" Estella refused to let the matter rest, choosing instead to ignore her father's banter and lay her suspicions out on the table. "The door is still locked, and the other day I saw you come out of Remus' bathroom grumbling about Uncle Sev taking over the guest room."
Sirius could only stand agape at his daughter while he collected himself together.
"You are entirely too observant, you know that?" Sirius said wearily, wiping a hand over his face.
"I grew up with a Slytherin, what do you expect?" Estella smirked humouredly before re-schooling her face into a mask of seriousness.
"You haven't been able to bring yourself to go back in there, have you?" Estella asked knowingly when her father didn't say anything. He continued to stare at her blankly, blinking furiously as though trying to keep something repressed.
"I'm right, aren't I?" Estella said sadly. "Oh, Dad."
Sirius could only bow his head. Seeking both to give and receive comfort, Estella's hand snaked its way into her father's larger hand. Startled by the intimate contact, the man flinched reflexively and had to consciously stop himself from jerking his hand away.
"I'm sorry." Sirius croaked thickly as he pulled his child into a fierce hug. "I'm… I'm not… I'm not right."
"It's all right." Estella squeezed her father reassuringly. "I know you don't mean to."
"You shouldn't have to see that." Sirius said softly, the wet shimmer of tears absorbed by her hair as he muffled a sob in her embrace. "I'm sorry I'm so weak."
Estella pulled away sharply. "Don't say that" She shook her father back to his senses. "You are the strongest person I know! No one else could have come out of that place after all that time as intact as you are!"
"It was all your doing." Sirius admitted to his daughter. "If I didn't have you… if you had turned me away that day… Merlin if anything happened to you…"
"Don't you talk like that! Don't!" Estella cried, scolding her father harshly. "I worry enough about you."
"That's it, you shouldn't have to worry… that's why I am weak." Sirius sighed self-depreciatively. His mind drifting elsewhere, he inhaled a shaky breath. "She was the last person to sleep in that bed."
Realising what her father was talking about, Estella took her father's hands in hers to ground him and looked him in the eyes. "You have to let her go, Dad." She said sadly, tears welling up in her eyes as the memories of her mother's 15year old self were so fresh in her mind. "We both do. She wouldn't want this."
"You're right." Sirius said gratefully, chuckling mirthlessly. "Merlin, who is supposed to be the parent here?"
"We'll do it together, okay?" Estella said firmly, tugging her father's hands behind her as she pushed herself off the counter and headed towards the door.
"What, now?" Sirius struggled to pull himself together – he didn't feel quite ready.
"I want to see you sleeping in your own bed." Estella urged him. "You will feel so much better for it."
"It's 9am." Sirius pointed out.
"So, you can lie in… pretend you're sick and spend the whole day in bed." Estella rolled her eyes. "I'll even keep you company. We can pretend we're on a life raft in the middle of the ocean waiting to be rescued. I'm supposed to be taking it easy anyway, remember?"
"You can do that in your own bed…" Sirius argued lightly, resisting less and less as his daughter pulled him up the stairs.
"So can you." Estella smirked at him victoriously as she pushed him down the hall. Sirius was had. "Now, where's the key?"
Sirius took a deep breath and grasped the door knob firmly in his hand, twisting it slowly, watching with amusement as Estella's mouth flew open.
"It was never locked." Sirius said quietly, holding his breath as he pushed the door open slowly. "Little trick of your mother's."
"Oh." Estella said, peering into the musty, darkened room. "After you."
"No, we do this together." Sirius said, taking his hand in his and pulling her in with him.
Once inside, Estella was reluctant to touch anything. Standing alone in the centre of the room while her father walked habitually towards the window, intent on throwing open the curtains, Estella had to blink away the sudden assault of morning light and shield her eyes when the room was suddenly bathed in light. Her eyes gradually adjusting to the glare, Estella took in the sight of the life her parents had shared for the first time. The bed was wide and high, dishevelled yellow sheets that were once white preserved the faintest outline of bodies. On one side, her mother's, the sheets were telling of a woman who was close to birth. Pillows still lay near the foot of the bed where the woman had likely last propped her feet in slumber, and a errant strand of dark hair clung to the soft down pillow that had last cradled her mother's head. On her father's side, parts of the mattress were exposed where he had restlessly unhinged the bedclothes in his sleep; and the blankets were tortuously twisted. Estella noted with a heavy weight in her heart that her father's pillows were distinctively closer to her mother's.
He had held her in his arms as they slept.
Averting her burning eyes to take in the rest of the room, the choking lump in the base of Estella's throat only grew as she took in the sight of her mother's presence. The jewellery on the bedside table. The uncapped lipstick on the dresser. The discarded robe on the chair and worn slippers by the bed. The towel frozen in time as it moulded to the shape of the bathroom door. In all it was not too much different from how her mother's room at Snape Manor had been preserved, but something about this room made it different. It was the subtle masculine touches: the Quidditch magazines cluttering the nightstand on the opposite side of the bed, the cologne bottle, the wedding photo on the desk and messily discarded robe on the floor. The room represented a moment frozen in time, a time when her parents were normal people… a loving, newly wed couple with a baby on the way and friends and social lives and freedom and their whole lives ahead of them. It was a room full of promises and a room full of harsh reminders and shattered dreams.
Catching the forlorn look on her father's face as he stood, frozen by the window with his hand still on the curtain chord, his eyes dull and pained as he faced his room for the first time without its cohabitant alive, Estella could stand no more. Her legs crumbling beneath her, Estella dropped to the floor in a unpractised heap and began to sob, the pain of loss evident in the room all too much for her. In a flash, Sirius was across the room and kneeling on the floor by his daughter's side; pulling her into his arms as they held each other and wept – their pain finally allowed to surface and run its course.
After an indeterminate period of time, Remus awoke to find a particular door in the hallway open. His eyes widening at the ramifications, the silent werewolf chanced a look through the open doorway. Upon seeing the father and daughter on the floor in the centre of the room, sobbing in each other's arms, Remus felt an unfamiliar release of weight in his chest. Whilst it pained him to see is loved ones in pain, the wise werewolf was glad to see the closest thing he had to family finally coming to terms with their losses and letting go… just as he had managed to do for himself over the years.
Turning away and walking downstairs to fix himself a coffee, Remus left the pair to work through their emotions together, comfortable in the knowledge that they were there for each other… something that once upon a time he never thought he'd get to see.
Not long after Remus had put the coffee on and busied himself preparing a cooked breakfast, did father and daughter follow their noses back down to the kitchen.
"Happy New Year." Sirius greeted his friend jovially, a new light shining in his eyes. Both father and daughter had evidently taken the time to wash away the physical evidence of their earlier tears.
"Hi Moony." Estella said happily, snaking her arms around her Godfather's waist as he dished up their breakfast. "That smells nice."
"So you noticed." Remus said lightly, kissing the top of her head as she briefly rested it in the nook of his shoulder. "I doubt your timing was incidental."
"We opened up Dad's room this morning." Estella said brightly as she sat next to her father at the kitchen table and gave her father's hand a reassuring squeeze. "We're going to make a new start for the new year, aren't we?"
Sirius could only nod.
Catching his friend's eye knowingly, Remus smiled encouragingly. "Sounds like a very good idea to me."
"Where's Uncle Sev?" Estella asked, noting the lack of an extra setting at the table. "Did he even come back here last night?"
"I do believe he was called to the school after you both fell asleep last night." Remus said. "Something about students causing a furore in the Common Room."
"Bugger." Sirius said with all manner of seriousness, causing Remus to stare at him in confusion. Estella, meanwhile, choked on her milk.
"What?" Remus frowned, taking in the body language between father and daughter. "Am I missing something?"
"Nothing you would actually miss." Estella tried to assure him.
"Sirius?" Remus peered at his friend curiously. "Care to elaborate?"
"Not really." Sirius chirped with an air of mystery, though he did start to hum Auld Lang Sine between mouthfuls.
"Sirius, you do know that it's not advisable for you to use your wand until things are cleared?" Remus reminded his friend, not quite sure what the man had originally planned for that morning, but knowing that his fellow Marauder had been planning something.
"Huh? I'm sorry, Moony, I couldn't hear you through my mouthful." Sirius blinked at his friend innocently. "Estella, could you pass the salt?"
Remus slumped back in his chair, defeated. Though he had always been the most level-headed of the Marauder's it didn't mean that he enjoyed being kept out of the loop. Seeing the look of resignation on her Godfather's face, Estella grinned slightly and leant closer to her father.
"You know, there are entirely non-magical means that would assist you to achieve certain goals." Estella said, thinking specifically of her new Muggle boom box and its karaoke function.
"Yes, it is quite remarkable how versatile Muggles have become over the years." Remus nodded in agreement, not realising the double meaning Estella had laced her words with until he saw the grin on Sirius' face. It was all too much like a cat who had just gotten the canary… and all too reminiscent of the look a Marauder got when they realised a prank was going to work. Remus' face fell the realisation he was now outnumbered.
"Why do I suddenly fear for my health?" He mused aloud, breathing a audible sigh of relief when the formidable Potions Master swept into the room unexpectedly.
"Uncle Sev! You're back!" Estella said, her eyes lighting up at the sight of her Uncle. "I haven't seen you since last year! Have you had breakfast yet?"
Shaking his head dismissively at the overworn New Year's joke, Severus sat down at the empty setting on the table. "I had breakfast in the Great Hall." He said. "It's after 10am already, I think this qualifies as a brunch."
"Well in that case, you haven't had Brunch, have you?" Estella smirked.
"Coffee, Severus?" Remus asked helpfully, knowing that the enthusiastic child wasn't going to desist until she succeeded in having her entire family seated at the table.
"I'll get it." Estella jumped up and grabbed a mug from its hook by the coffee pot.
"Aren't you supposed to still be in bed?" Severus asked her suspiciously.
"With this much energy? It's hard enough keeping her in the house." Sirius snorted. "I don't know what's come over her."
The three men watched the bubbly child bounce around the kitchen not just getting her Uncle a coffee, but sourcing a plate full of his favourite pastry and dark minted chocolate; knowing that he wouldn't be able to resist. Taking in her renewed energy and smiling features, it became increasingly apparent what was causing her to act that way.
She was happy.
"I'd forgotten about this." Sirius exclaimed in awe as he pulled a musty looking tome from the bottom of his wife's dresser. "Estella, come have a look at this."
Estella pulled herself to her feet from where she sat cross-legged on the rug of her parent's room, sorting through a pile of her mother's hair clips and stretched loudly before walking stiffly to where he father sat at her mother's dresser. In order for her father to move back into the bedroom and be saved from the omnipresent sense of loss that the room's current state provoked, the room was in the midst of a reinvention.
"Do you recognise this?" He asked, an unreadable expression on his face as he held out the well-oiled black leather book to her.
"Of course I do." Estella whispered hoarsely, her mouth suddenly dry. "You gave it to me on Halloween… back then… I couldn't find it anywhere in my old trunk. What's it doing here?"
"Your mother found it in your hiding place after the house elves had been through and packed up your things." Sirius explained, dusting off the cover with his hand and handing it to her. "She took it to Dumbledore to have him pass it on, but when she came back from his office she still had it."
"Did she say why?" Estella asked, falling onto the wide bench seat next to her father as he scooted over and made room for her. "Why didn't he just send it on to be stored with the rest of my stuff from that time?"
"I don't know." Sirius said sadly, a pensive look on his face. "She never said."
"Oh." Estella said, disappointment evident on her features as she held her hand out for the book. He handed it to her. "Um, do you mind if I take this and um, go to my room for a bit?"
Sirius frowned at his daughter, concern in his eyes. "Are you all right?" He asked, rubbing her back gently. "Are you sure you want to be alone right now?"
"Oh, do you want company? I can stay… I'll look at my journal later." Estella reneged. "Or you know what, I can look at it here… I'll just be by the window."
"Alright." Sirius said lightly, smiling at his daughter encouragingly. "You know where I'll be if you need anything."
"Course." Estella said absently as she sat in the freshly cleaned, pale olive green wingback by the window and opened the book; smiling faintly as she ran her fingers over the familiar inscription and looked at her father fleetingly as he turned his attention to the other papers in her mother's drawer.
Opening the aged dusty book to the first page, Estella shivered as a foreign yet strangely familiar kind of magic coursed through her. Blinking her eyes in surprise, Estella turned her attention to the page before her and promptly dropped the book in shock, the heavy-bound hardcover landing on the dark hardwood floor with a dull thud. Sirius' head shot up.
"Estella? Sweetheart, is something wrong?" He asked automatically, his concern deepening when he saw the look on her face – like she had just seen a ghost. Knocking the delicate bench back in his haste, Sirius leapt across the room and knelt at his daughter's feet, resting his hands on either side of her as she sat dwarfed by the larger chair. Casting his eyes to the unassuming book that seemed to cause his daughter's distress and taking note of the open, blank page, he looked at his daughter in curiosity.
"Sweetheart, what happened? What's wrong?" He asked frantically, one hand picking up the book to assess it for any distressing content and the other brushing a loose strand of hair out of her face. "What's the matter with the book?"
"Can't you see it?" Estella gasped, her eyes seeing writing on the page her father was staring blankly at. "That's not my writing."
"What's not your writing, Estella?" Sirius frowned, flicking through the pages emptily. "I don't see anything."
"She… she mustn't have meant for you to see." Estella said shakily, reaching back for the book and turning back to the front page.
"What? Wait a minute… are you saying Selina… your mother… she wrote in this journal?" Sirius' eyes ached to see his wife's penmanship. "She… why would she do that? It was yours… didn't you write in it?"
"Yes, I did." Estella's eyes widened. "Do you think she would have been able to read what I wrote?"
"I don't know, it depends on if you had intended her to…" Sirius scratched his head. "This sort of stuff has never been my bag. Why, what did you write in there?"
"Enough." Estella gulped, averting her eyes to glance unseeingly at her mother's precise copperplate script. "I wonder if she says anything in here about it."
"I wish I was able to read it." Sirius sighed, his eyes sad.
"Well I could read it out if you like." Estella consoled him. "Or…" She screwed her face up in concentration before reaching a decision and pulling a pin from her hair. Sterilising it over a candle flame that sat under a oil burner on the little table next to the chair, Estella looked her father in the eye. "Hold out your right index finger."
Sirius complied wordlessly and watched curiously as she broke his skin, drawing blood, before repeating the process with her own finger.
"Now, let's see if I remember to do this right." Estella said thoughtfully, pressing their fingers together and holding it over the front page of the book until a drop of their intermingled blood dripped onto the page and vanished. "Making mischief." Estella said. "There, let's see if it worked."
"What did you do?" Sirius looked at his daughter in amazement.
"I just included you into my ring of trust." Estella smirked at her father. "If I ever catch you taking advantage of that by reading my diary I will grant my Uncle licence to neuter Padfoot."
Sirius grimaced uncomfortably and nodded his solemn vow of trust. "Turn the page."
"There, can you see it?" Estella asked her father, studying him carefully as her mother's handwriting filled the pages before them. She needn't have sought an answer from the man though as the expression on his face spoke more than words.
Coming to his senses slightly as the magnitude of what his daughter had just trusted him with began to sink in, Sirius rolled back onto this heels. "Do you want to read it alone first?" He asked restrainedly. "Your mother may not appreciate me reading her private thoughts… she and Lily were always on about secret women's business."
"No, I think it should be alright." Estella said after a few moments of consideration. "I don't think I could keep it from you at the end anyway. Let's read it together."
The sorting of the room set aside for the time being, Sirius squeezed next to Estella on the generously proportioned armchair, ending up with her pretty much on his lap, as she sat with the book in her hands.
"Should we read it aloud or to ourselves?" Estella asked, turning her head from its new resting place on her father's shoulder to look up at the man.
"We'll take it in turns. Shall I go first?" Sirius offered. Estella nodded and leant back into him as he placed his hands over hers and guided the book upwards.
"Dear Estella…" He began, his voice leaving him as the shock of the opening words washed over them.
"Go on." Estella urged him in a choked tone, her eyes glazing over with unshed tears.
"Lily suggested that I give the journal a name, and this is what I came up with. One day I would love to name a daughter that. but I have a feeling you already know that, don't you? I say that because I've spelled the pages to only reveal this to either myself or my unborn children." Sirius read on, his voice even. "This journal once belonged to another, Aries, but Dumbledore said I should write in it. I don't know why, but he seems to think she wouldn't mind not getting this back. I'm not even sure if she even wrote here anyway."
Sirius skimmed over the page impatiently. "It just goes on like this. Do you want me to continue?" He asked Estella quietly.
Estella's eyes flew over the page forlornly. "I just want to know if she knew for sure." She said. "After she touched my pendant she looked at me funny."
They flicked through the pages at a efficient pace. Estella would, of course, pour over each entry with more precision as time went on, but at that moment she only wanted to know one thing.
"Here we go…" Sirius said, his eyes having caught something at the top of a page. He began to read:
"Maybe I imagined it, but I could have sworn I could recognise the handiwork on that pendant of Aries. It was the same sort of feeling I get when I touch something me or one of my family had charmed… but Aries couldn't be a Snape, could she? Did father have a child out of wedlock? No, Aries said it was from her mother. It just makes no sense. There are no other direct relatives of childbearing age, and the connection I felt to the artefact would not be as strong if she were truly a distant cousin or otherwise. Maybe she's really my daughter from the future and I charmed the pendant. Sounds pretty ridiculous, but that pendant is the sort of thing I'd do, and I can't think of any other explanation. I got a very good look at it too, and I'd almost swear that the ruby plays off the light the same way as the horrid brooch my mother gave me. I guess I'll only know the answers in time."
"How'd she guess all of that?" Estella sat, slack jawed.
"Your mother was a perfectionist." Sirius smiled at the memory. "If there was a puzzle or something that needed solving she would stew over it constantly until she reached a satisfying hypotenuse. I am sure if we read over the intervening entries thoroughly she would have been nutting out a hundred theories before settling on this one."
"Is there anything else about me?" Estella asked, running her finger over the slight indentation of her mother's nib.
"Let me see." Sirius said, flicking through some more pages. "Ah, here's something else."
"I don't understand it. Why would Aries' parents not permit her to receive Owls? Why would she not want this journal back? It is almost as though she has disappeared off the face of the earth. Lily thinks we should go to Wales and knock on her door, but something tells me we won't find anything. Part of me thinks something horrible happened that day in Hogsmeade, and that the school is covering it up for some reason. When the boys came back without her they looked like they had just witnessed a massacre, yet Professor Dumbledore made a point of telling us that Aurors had turned up and taken Aries to the Ministry to make a statement. Said she had witnessed the killing curse being used on an Auror and her parents sent for her straight away. It sounds like a reasonable enough story, especially since Aries had been home-schooled before and only came to Hogwarts because it was supposed to be safer, but something is not right. Surely she would have Owled us to say goodbye. The more I think of it, the more I think that the impossible truly is possible."
"And I thought I thought things through!" Estella exclaimed. "Merlin!"
"Oh here we go, she's writing about your time turner now. She wrote it in Seventh Year. Merlin, she was still trying to figure you out, kiddo!"
"Maybe Aries is from a time where time turners can travel back in years… that would explain why she had a time turner and didn't tell us. Sirius and James seemed to know about it though, but how that happened they won't say a thing about it. It's almost like everyone else has moved on and accepted Dumbledore's story that Aries has gotten on with her life somewhere and we've all gotten on with ours. I think only Peter still looks like he misses her, but then I think he always did have a bit of a crush."
"That's… that's just… wrong." Estella shuddered, while Sirius growled.
"He didn't try and make a move on you, did he?" Sirius asked, not knowing if he wanted to know the answer.
"Of course not, he's a gutless little weed." Estella scorned the memory of the stumpy little boy who would go on to do terrible things to her family. "Do you have any idea how hard it was for me not to, I don't know, body bind him in his animagus form and feed him to a python?"
"You've really thought that through, haven't you?" Sirius smirked, his eyes glinting at the imagery of Peter – the – rat suffering like that.
"Of course! I had to think of something that would make me smile in his vile presence." Estella made a face. "And to think he probably thought I was smiling at him because I liked his company!"
"Why didn't you say anything?" Sirius asked. "I don't think I would have been able to hold myself back."
"I had no proof. You wouldn't have believed it." Estella sighed regretfully.
Sirius nodded mutely before deciding to change the subject. As much as he hated to believe it, the Marauder had been foolishly blinded by their loyalty for one another back then to ever consider the possibility that one of them was not true. "Shall we see if there's anymore?"
"Alright." Estella yawned and rested her head on her father's shoulder and closed her eyes, losing herself in her memories as her father's voice carried on, securing itself its own place in her mind.
"Lily gave birth to a little boy. She and James are worried about the prophesy, but Albus will protect them."
"What prophesy?" Estella's eyes snapped open. "There's a prophesy about Harry?"
"Um…" Sirius swallowed heavily. "Harry doesn't know. Do you want to know before him?"
"No, I don't think that would be fair." Estella shook her head. "Skip over it."
"All right, but I want you to promise me that you won't say anything of what you know to Harry. He doesn't need it at the moment, not with the tournament on at the moment." Sirius cautioned his daughter.
"What tournament?" Estella frowned.
"I'll tell you over dinner when Remus and your Uncle are there to help explain the concept, I'm not too clear on the details except that Harry is involved when he shouldn't be. Do you want me to tell you what I do know now or shall I continue reading?"
"Continue reading." Estella gestured back to the book.
"Harry looks exactly like James but he has Lily's green eyes. It was just how Aries described Lily's child to her in that game we used to play… Lily's child would look like his father and have her eyes, and my child would look like me and have her father's eyes. Lily and I always thought it was just some sort of reverse parallel that Aries had cooked up on a whim, but what if she knew? What if she was from the future and knew our children? I wonder if Harry will play Quidditch and become a Seeker in his first year? Though I am sure by then Sirius and I would have had a child of our own and I would be able to tell once and for all how Aries fits in. Maybe she just fluked it. Maybe I have been reading too much into it all this time. It was all so long ago now, I can't even be sure of what was real, and what was imagined."
"Dad." Estella said suddenly, raising her head from his shoulder. "Can you skip forward to when she was pregnant with me?"
"Already thinking of that, Missy." Sirius nodded, hastily flicking ahead towards the middle of the book. "Alright, you ready?"
"Yep."
"The more the baby grows inside me, the more I feel this sense of de ja vu. The child isn't even born yet and already I feel like I know all about them. Like I've already met them before. The summer Aries came to stay with the Potters was a few days after I came across a girl in my room. I never found out who that girl was, only that she looked remarkably liked me and had eyes that were silver like Sirius'. I felt this same kind of de ja vu when I met Aries a few days later even though she looked entirely different… and she was the one who tells me my child will look like the apparition of the girl in my room. The more I think of it, the more I am beginning to accept the fact that my unborn child travels back in time at some point. Whether Aries and the girl from my room are one and the same, or if they were otherwise affiliated, I do not know for sure, but as I bond with the life inside me, I feel my doubts being swept away. Maybe it's just the pregnancy hormones playing with my mind… but I guess I'll know the answer in a few months time, won't I?"
Sirius paused for breath, letting the words sink in before he pressed on.
"Sirius is convinced we're having a little girl. I am inclined to agree with him, but I won't let him know that. I love the anticipation of not knowing, which is kind of funny because I think I've known ever since fifth year. Between it all… the pendant, the Portkey, the time turner, the coincidences and then the little things like how easily Aries found her way around the school and how she seemed to anticipate the boy's actions before they even knew what they were doing themselves. It all makes sense. The way she trusted Sirius with her life on that broom and then forgave him afterwards… the way she looked at James as though she was constantly reminding herself that he was not someone else… the way she insisted on being friends with Remus despite the love in her eyes… the way she worked so well with Severus in potions, doing the impossible in earning his respect and not feeling intimidated by his rough exterior… it all fits somehow."
Sirius stopped in his reading to kiss his daughter's head as she sighed shakily.
"Today I went to the jeweller with Sirius and he picked out a design for the baby's pendant. It is identical to the pendant Aries wore, and there's no way he saw it as well as I did at the time. Aries was our daughter… is our daughter… will be our daughter. I can't wait to meet her again… though I daresay she will be grounded till her 18th birthday if she so much as goes near a time turner…"
"Don't read anymore." Estella splayed her hand over the page, silent tears tracking down her face in a mixture of regret and happiness.
"Oh, missy, I'm sorry darling." Sirius set the book aside and wrapped his arms around his daughter, holding her close and rubbing comforting circles on her back as she sobbed. His own face was etched in remorse of his own… his mind readily recalling times Selina had attempted to bring up their school friend from the past and he had shot her down. To think everyone had just picked up and moved on with their lives, pretty much filing Aries' impact in their lives amongst that of interim substitute teachers and people you might see everyday on the knight bus over Summer then promptly forget about. It was not that they were all inconsiderate, it was just bad timing. War had just broken out, and everyone had so much other stuff to contend with… James had lost his father in his barely six weeks after he got married, and Lily's parents had died shortly after she'd fallen pregnant. Then between his brother Regulus going and getting himself killed, his parents kicking him out of home and Selina defying her parents and infuriating her brother; their school years in general were just pushed into the far recesses of their memories.
Even now it felt like another lifetime ago.
Yet still, Selina remembered. Selina mulled over the mystery silently for nearly ten years. What had driven her to obsess so much? When had she planned on telling him? Had she tried and given up? Sirius frowned. How could he have forgotten? Now he had his daughter back in his arms, the experiences all too real and recent for her, and still his mind had ruthlessly discarded the finer details.
"I'm sorry, baby." He murmured, both to his child and wife. He couldn't quite shake the feeling that he had let them both down somehow.
"What?" Estella murmured. "No I asked you to read it out, it's not your fault." She said. "I'm not really sad, you know… I mean I am because it's terrible that she never got to meet me again and I never got to know her as my mother… but I still got to meet her, and in the end she knew who I was; and that's something I never thought I'd get."
"We all pretty much forgot all about you!" Sirius lamented shamefully.
"A lot happened between then and now." Estella shrugged. "My time as Aries Ollerton had little impact on the big picture, maybe you would have remembered me more if Dumbledore had told you I died… but I just became this person who buggered off rudely without saying goodbye. I'd probably forget me too if someone took off unexpectedly like that."
"I suppose you're right, but I still feel awful." Sirius bowed his head.
"Don't be silly. You didn't know it was me." Estella assured him. "And I know you would never forget me."
"Are you both still in here?" Remus appeared in the doorway. "What on earth are you doing sitting in here in near darkness? How can you see anything?"
Behind them the late afternoon sun was disappearing below the horizon, bathing the room in a shadowed dusk, the only minute source of light being the little tea light candle in the oil burner by their chair. Sliding off her father's lap wearily, Estella stretched and slapped her father lightly on the arm when he overdramatised the 'liberation' of his 'blood-starved' legs; stamping his feet furiously to get the blood circulating again, neither of them had been overly aware of all the time that had gone past as they had sat engrossed in Selina's journal entries.
"Sorry, Moony." Sirius explained, holding up the book meaningfully. "Estella and I were just doing a little reading. Selina took the journal as her own…"
"Say no more, Sirius." Remus nodded sadly. Then, in a lighter tone, he continued. "I just came to tell you both that tea is ready."
"Thanks, Remus, you didn't have to do that!" Sirius thanked his friend. "You've done all three meals today…"
"You both were understandably busy, don't worry about it." Remus waved it off, taking the initiative to turn on the room's light switch, making it so that he no longer appeared as a shadowing figure in the doorway, backlit only by the light in the hallway. "Besides if I was here alone I would prepare all my own meals anyway… what's the difference if I am preparing food for one or three, or four?"
Father and daughter blinked, their eyes readjusting to the light, as they straightened out their robes and headed out of the room, following Remus down the stairs and into the kitchen.
"Where's Uncle Sev?" Estella asked, noting that while there was a place set for him at the table, her uncle was nowhere to be seen.
"He had to make an appearance in the Great Hall for dinner." Remus said. "Dinner at the Castle should be over by now, he should be back soon." The tell tale whoosh of the Floo alerted them to their subject's timely arrival. "Ah, there you go, speak of the devil. Good evening, Severus, we were just talking about you."
Severus grunted moodily as he swept through the kitchen after a particularly stressful afternoon, headed straight for the basement where he had left a potion on simmer.
"Uncle Sev?" Estella called after him, frowning. "Aren't you going to join us for dinner?"
"Why do you think I spend my holidays at the Castle, Estella? To work on my lesson plans unseen and brew my potions for the infirmary?" He drawled sarcastically. "I just spent the past hour making my presence known to all the students at the Great Hall over dinner, you foolish child."
"Where do you get off talking to my daughter like that, Snape?" Sirius growled, rising from his chair slowly and cutting off his brother-in-law in his path to the basement. He was still emotionally on edge after reading his wife's journal, and playing civil with his brother-in-law was something out of his reach.
"It is clear the child is spending entirely too much time with the likes of you." Severus sneered. "I do not have time for answering stupid questions with obvious ends."
"I thought maybe you maybe didn't have your fill at the school so that you could still join us here." Estella said coolly. "Or that you might still at least like to keep me company and catch up with my day while I ate. It wasn't a stupid question."
"There, you heard the girl." Sirius snarled, side stepping to block his unresponsive brother-in-law's path. "Now apologise for being such a pompous git and spare your niece a few moments of your time."
"I have a potion on the boil that will turn quite volatile if not tended to." Severus warned, moving uncomfortably close to his brother-in-law in a attempt to intimidate him enough to make him move. "My day has been taxing enough as it is to have to come here and humour the likes of you. Now step aside."
"You are in my house, Snape." Black warned. "You're here at Estella's request. I will not hesitate to throw you out on your arse if you continue belittling her."
"Just let him go, Dad." Estella sighed, picking at her soup despondently. "He's in a mood."
Severus snorted and swept past Sirius, headed into the basement, when the slightly shorter man heeded his daughter's request.
"You shouldn't have to put up with being treated like that, Estella." Sirius growled protectively, eying the basement door like he would prefer to do nothing more than burst down there and trash Severus' precious potion all over his greasy git head. "How often does he behave like this?"
"Not very." Estella shrugged. "Don't worry about it. You've seen how I get in my moods… Uncle Sev and I have just gotten used to giving each other a wide berth during those times. We have an understanding."
Still reeling from the emotional roller-coaster the afternoon's revelations had invoked in him and instantly flared by mere prospect of someone brushing of his child and making them feel insignificant, Sirius' mind sharpened even further at the implications of his daughter's apparent indifference towards such behaviour – like she was used to it. Like her spirit had been beaten into submission. He wouldn't stand for that, and he said as such.
"Dad, you're blowing things way out of proportion." Estella tried to reason with him. "That he has to attend to a potion is hardly something to be taken so personally! If he says it is important, then I believe him!"
"You're defending him? I don't believe it!" Sirius said, taking his daughter firmly by the shoulder from where she had risen from her chair to stand next to him and looking her squarely in her eyes. "You don't have to stand for that, Estella! You're better than that!"
"Please Dad…" Estella pleaded. "He was only that bad because you were here to make things worse. Look, he's clearly had a bad day. You and him have never enjoyed each other's company. I'd be a little irate if all I had to look forward to was the sight of Draco Malfoy chewing me out and telling me how I should behave."
"You're comparing me to a Malfoy?" Sirius shook his head. "Estella go eat your dinner, you don't know what you're on about. I'm going to tell your Uncle how it is. Nobody puts a potion before my little girl and gets away with it."
Estella stormed away from her retreating father moodily and landed heavily in her chair. "I don't know why I bother." She clenched her fists compulsively as she complained exasperatedly to her Godfather. "Tell me, Uncle Remus, is there something in the water that makes them want to kill each other? Why can't he just back off and let Sev be? You know how things were when I lived with Uncle Sev, you tell me, was I ever ignored?"
"Not that I saw. I don't know why your father can't bring himself to see it." Remus shook his head wearily, wincing slightly as he heard the beginnings of a raging fight downstairs from where the basement door had been left slightly ajar in Sirius' haste to get down there.
"He's always been like this… Dad I mean. He's always getting on Sev's case and it's just not funny anymore." Estella cradled her head in her hands, her ears ringing from the war that as erupting downstairs. "Like that day when we went flying, Sev was doing a decent thing in making sure I was alright and not being terrorised by a bunch of bullies, and you all just let him have it. You know it's no wonder he became a Death Eater."
"What do you mean?" Remus looked at his Goddaughter sharply, his heart tingling with guilt. He knew what was coming – the child was far too observant not to see what Lily and Selina had constantly been in battle with them about.
"Well any time he tries to do a good deed, there you all were making him feel like why did he even bother." Estella ticked off her fingers jerkily. "Then when he's minding his own business he invariably stumbles into one of James and Sirius' hair-brained schemes. You guys virtually pushed him into associating himself with that group of losers and you know it. He needed the protection and alliance that they could provide; and he only started retaliating when they had him morally corrupted and drunk on the burning desire to deal out revenge."
"We were kids, Estella." Remus defended himself staunchly. "We all had something go wrong in our lives, Severus just took things to the extreme." He paused. "James idolised his father, but before he became a professor that year he was always away on assignment and hardly ever was home when James was… and you know how your grandparents disowned your parents and made things difficult for them. None of us have had it easy, but not all of us were driven to be so destructive."
"No, you just took it out on those weaker than you." Estella said scathingly, blocking her ears as the shouts downstairs got louder. "Look I don't blame you what happened in the past… you were kids then. But listen to that, it's still happening. They're grown adults! It's got to stop. We're supposed to be family. I thought after Christmas Day there'd be a chance…"
"It's alright, cub, I know where you're coming from." Remus said, reaching over and patting her hand just as a loud clatter rang out from downstairs, followed by an irate Potions Master's shout.
"THAT WAS LUPIN'S WOLFSBANE YOU BLUNDERING IDIOT!"
"WELL WHY DIDN'T YOU SAY SO?" Sirius shouted back, growling in frustration.
"I TOLD YOU IT WAS IMPORTANT, WASN'T THAT ENOUGH?" Severus growled equally defiant. "Oh, of course, something that may have been important to me wouldn't matter to you, evidently."
"Oh, quit blubbering over spilt milk and make some bloody more then if it meant so goddamn much to you!" Sirius snorted, his voice travelling up the stairs and towards the mortified audience in the kitchen.
"I can't make anymore now, you stupid fool. I'm all out of Fluxweed, which can only be harvested during the full moon, and the Aconite needs to simmer for three days so even if I found a reliable supplier for replacement ingredients there won't be enough time!"
"Why do you even bother then if it's all so difficult for you?" Sirius hissed back. "Remus is hardly your friend."
"I don't do it for the werewolf you impulsive, arrogant miscreant!" Severus' voice could barely be heard as he replied in dark, low tones. "If you haven't been able to figure out why I do it, then you're even more dim than I gave you credit for."
"You could have fooled me, Snivellus." Sirius snapped, thundering back down the stairs; causing listening werewolf and child to flinch as the sound of bodies flying against a shelf of glass jars rang throughout the house like a orchestra of tinkling glass. "And what of your snarky, evil attitude? You do that for Estella too? The kid loves you so much it makes me sick, Snape. I don't know what she sees in you. Merlin knows she shouldn't have to put up with your crap. I've seen how you toy with her… running hot and cold like you do. Make up your damn mind! I won't stand for such stuff-arsing around. I've been kept away from her all her life and I know how precious time is… how dare you take advantage of the opportunities you have with her?"
"Unhand me, Black." Severus could be heard saying coldly as Sirius evidently paused to take a breath.
There was another shower of glass as the pair evidently shoved away from each other, disrupting the few little glasses that had remained on the shelf.
"We almost lost her, Snape, don't you realise that?" Sirius' voice was so quiet the ears upstairs had a hard trouble hearing it. "Or is that it? The prospect of losing her is suddenly too real for your selfish cold heart to handle you're pushing her away once and for all?"
There was a pregnant pause.
"Answer me, Snape."
"Get your wand out of my face, Black." Severus said in a warning tone. "I've said it before, I do not have to justify myself to you!"
"And I told you, anything that effects Estella is my business." Sirius retorted in a equally disdainful tone.
Upstairs, Estella was listening to it all. Sitting rigidly in her chair, her meal untouched, the fraught child's eyes slid close in defeat, silent tears painting the pain on her face as her lower lip trembled uncontrollably, stubbornly suppressing the sob that threatened to escape.
"Estella…" Remus said kindly, getting up to comfort the trembling child.
"No." Estella managed, leaping from her chair, her arm flying to shield the sight of tears in her eyes as she brushed past the helpless werewolf and ran upstairs.
Barely able to contain his own growing rage, Remus stormed over to the door that led down to the basement and almost threw it off its hinges as he shoved it open forcefully, guaranteeing the attention of the juvenile brothers-in-law as they bickered down below.
"I hope you're both bloody happy with yourselves." Remus roared uncharacteristically wound tight. "That child you both seem intent to be in a constant pissing contest over just ran out of the room looking like someone had just torn her heart out and dished it up for dinner!"
"Look what you've done!" Sirius scowled at the bane of his existence. "Why are you even here, Snape? We were having such a good day until you had to grace us with your charming presence."
"You're the one who came after me, Black." Severus hissed. "Couldn't leave well enough alone, you just had to come have the last say."
"Damn straight, Snivellus." Sirius sneered as he coloured Severus' cheekbone with a powerful right hook before leaping up the stairs to see to his daughter.
"Was that really necessary?" Remus admonished his friend from the top of the stairs where he'd seen everything.
"Probably not." Sirius shrugged. "But it made me feel better. Where's Estella?"
"She ran up to her room, what did you expect?" Remus said. "You go on ahead and clean up your own mess, I'll fetch a steak for Severus' face."
"Why bother?" Sirius scoffed, sending a spiteful look back down the stairs before shaking his head at Remus and leaving the kitchen, bound for his daughter's room.
"I don't need your mothering, Lupin." Severus growled, desperate to keep a hold of his pride as he busied himself clearing away the spilt potions ingredients.
"Why don't you go up there and work things out with Estella?" Remus suggested.
"I doubt he and I in the same room right now would be very conducive, do you?" Severus pointed out banally. "These ingredients need to cleared away before they combine and become volatile. I guaranteed us some measure of safety by arranging them so that no two conflicting ingredients were stored side by side, but look, there's a blasted slope to this floor." He paused to stem an innocent looking flow of Erumpent fluid from running into a dusting of crushed snake fangs; the action averting a uncontrolled explosion. "Look at this mess!"
"Why not just charm the bottles with a unbreakable charm?" Remus frowned, picking up an overturned cauldron and righting it.
"I do that in the classroom, Lupin, because students are notoriously clumsy." Severus explained impatiently. "But any kind of wand magic deployed in a potions lab can affect a potion's effect, so I do not encourage such measures for private stores. Surely my niece as made you aware of that fact?"
"Actually, she did mention something about proper Potions Labs being wand-free zones." Remus' lip twitched slightly. "That cheek looks painful. You really ought to…"
"There's some ointment in the potion cupboard." Severus said dismissively, drawing his wand reluctantly to vanish the spoiled ingredients. "It was only the ingredients that were lost… though it would have served Black right if his foolish actions lost him his home."
Estella swung the door shut behind her with an almighty slam, slumping against it and sliding to the floor in tears. Just when everything seemed to be going right, they had to go push each other's buttons for sport and ruin everything! It was not as though she didn't have enough things on her plate to deal with - what, with Voldemort after her and starting school again in the present – that she wanted to deal with the prospect of her family killing each other.
Suddenly feeling as though she was caged, Estella got up and began to pace her room furiously, stopping only to lock her door and put on a Faith No More CD, cranking it loudly in a vain attempt to block out the echoing torment in her mind. When she could stand being couped up in her room no more, Estella grabbed her cloak and coin bag, secured her wands and put on a scarf, beanie and gloves. Climbing the familiar path to the level part of the roof, Estella didn't stop there. Re-tracing the steps she had taken that first day she had been in the past, Estella left her parent's home.
"Estella?" Sirius pounded on his daughter's locked door for the umpteenth to no avail. Cursing his stupidity, he remembered the silencing spell on the door – mentally noting that perhaps putting up with the blaring stereo was worth the convenience of being able to knock and be heard. Pulling the spare key to her door from his pocket and hoping she would forgive his intrusion, Sirius let himself in. Instinctively moving to turn off the music that was splitting his ears in two as soon as he had turned the key in the lock, Sirius then began to seek out his daughter. His head began to spin faster and faster when the realisation of her absence became increasingly apparent. Shivering as a draught of icy winter's breeze blew in through the gap in the slightly open window, Sirius' heart leapt at the implication that his daughter had sought solace on the roof.
Following in his daughter's footsteps, Sirius swore and gasped as his shoes slipped on the icy roof tile and sent him crashing to his knees. Unable to find his daughter anywhere on the roof, however, the pain in his knees was rendered insignificant.
At the same time, the two men down in the basement jumped at the sound of a house alarm system activating, it's siren cutting through the night like a knife through butter.
Remus paled and swore. Instinctively, he knew what the alarm next door meant. Estella had run away.
"What the hell is that?" Severus cursed, having bumped his head on the roof of the potion's supply cupboard as he was caught surprised while he had been crouching in front of it, his head peering inside.
"Estella." Remus said, his mouth dry, his feet leading him up the stairs. Calling back over his shoulder, the worried werewolf explained to the Muggle-ignorant man further. "Next door's alarm. Estella must have scaled the roof."
Severus' long legs crossed the length of the small basement lab in a flash and made it up the stairs in no less than 4 leaps and bounds.
"She's left the house?" Severus cursed, both men pulling on their winter cloaks before exiting through the backdoor and into the stone-walled courtyard.
"There! She's going down the alley!" A voice from above yelled at them, pointing frantically from its vantage point on the roof. "Estella, come back!"
"Come, Severus, help me move this crap." Remus scowled as he tried to carve a path to the door that led out into the alley. Turning to look up at Sirius who stood on the roof helplessly, hands pulling at his hair as he fought to keep his child in sight through the foggy blanket of lightly falling snow and obstructing buildings. "Sirius, for God's sake get off the roof before someone sees you! Go get the dog and head out the front way, circle round and meet us on the other side. Hopefully that will be able to corner her off."
Sirius was already skidding down off the roofline and making his way down before Remus could finish talking.
"Oh for goodness sake, Lupin." Severus scowled, becoming increasingly infuriated as the werewolf sought to move each item blocking their way without damaging anything. "Get your priorities straight! Reducto!"
"Nice going Severus." Remus sighed, grabbing the rusted old door handle urgently. "But need I remind you we are in a Muggle neighbourhood?"
Severus said nothing. It was imperative that the child be found.
Using inhuman strength to pull the disused, unyielding door open, Severus and Remus finally made it out into the alleyway, where they were shortly joined by a stricken looking black dog.
Estella was nowhere to be found.
End Chapter: Breaking Habits
(1) Lyrics taken from the song "I Wanna Be Your Dog" by The Stooges (c) 1979 (I think)