Disclaimer: All things Harry Pottery belong to J K Rowling.

Trying to Live

By Willowcharm

Chapter 10: Hope

For the second time Harry awoke in the hospital wing with Professor Dumbledore sitting beside him in a squishy armchair. But as soon as he saw the headmaster Harry turned to face the other direction and closed his eyes. He wished to have nothing to do with him. After a couple of minutes Harry heard him get up. Sighing deeply, the elderly wizard spoke.

'I cannot force you to listen to me, Harry, but I assure you that whatever I have done has been for your own good. I know things are hard for you, but I implore you to try and make some friends and enjoy your time at school. It disappoints me that so far you appear to have made no friends at all. I shall leave you now, as Professor Snape wishes to speak with you. However, please think about what I have said.

Harry lay still and silent throughout this speech. He felt relieved when he heard the headmaster move away toward the door. But as Dumbledore left, Harry heard another set of footsteps entering the room and he had a feeling that Snape would not stand for him 'playing possum'. He was right.

'Sit up, Mr Potter. I expect my students to look at me when I am speaking to them.' Harry obeyed and Snape continued.

'Firstly, there is the matter of you flagrantly ignoring a punishment I imposed on you. Unfortunately with your current tendency to wallow in self pity I doubt that any further penalty will make any impact on you. I am therefore going to rescind your ban on flying. Rest assured, though that I have the power to reimpose it and I most certainly will if I feel you deserve it.'

Harry was astonished. It was clear from Snape's tone that he still didn't like Harry and even if he wasn't going to punish him he would surely have made it clear that Harry was to stay on solid ground. But he didn't have time to wonder for long because the Potions Master was moving on.

'Secondly, I cannot stop you from making friends with whomsoever you choose, but if you and those two infuriating Gryffindors so much as dream of playing tricks on me your life will not be worth living. Understand?'

'It's hardly worth living now anyway.' The words were spoken almost before Harry had even thought them. He wished he'd kept his mouth shut when Snape bent down and grabbed his shoulders so tightly that it hurt and brought his face to within six inches of Harry's.

'So, Potter. Your mother gives her life for you. Your father goes missing in an attempt to make the world a safer place for you. Are you just going to give up and kill yourself by not having the sense to wear a cloak when you go flying in the freezing cold because you're too busy feeling sorry for yourself? Do you think that would make your parents proud?'

He'd hit hard with that remark. Harry knew that his performance down at the quidditch pitch would have earned him a very sore backside if his father had been around. He looked down, his face turning red. Snape let go of him and turned and left without another word. As soon as he was gone Madam Pomfrey came over

'Now, you may go Mr Potter and do try and look after yourself this time. I have better things to do than look after boys who can't remember to wear a cloak.' Although the words were rebuking, her voice was kind and Harry left quickly to avoid her seeing the tears which threatened once more. Not feeling like going to the Slytherin quarters just then he made his way to the secret passageway where he and the twins had made their headquarters. He was not really surprised to find them sitting there waiting for him.

'Not expelled, then? What did he give you? Lines? Detention?' It was obvious from Fred's question that they knew about his flying trip. Harry told them that Snape had just lifted the ban.

'I don't understand, though. I mean he still obviously hates me. Why would he let me start flying again?'

'I dunno,' said George. 'But you can bet your last knut that he's got some evil plan behind it. He's certainly not well known for taking back punishments.'

'I wish he'd take back some of the punishments he gives us,' added Fred. Harry gave a weak smile and asked the other question that was bothering him.

'Dumbledore thinks I don't have any friends. Why didn't Snape tell him about you two?'

'No idea.' The twins spoke simultaneously as they had a habit of doing at times. Harry laughed, then stopped abruptly. George put an arm around him.

'Come on,' he said. 'It's getting late. Let's get you down to your dungeon.' Harry nodded, grateful for the silent sympathy and allowed the boys to escort him to the stairs leading to his house. It must have been extremely late because there was no sign of anyone at all in the corridors. Soon Harry was safe in his dormitory sleeping soundly.

The rest of the holiday passed slowly. Harry often went up to the owlery to visit Hedwig wishing desperately that he could write to Sirius and Remus. Glad as he was of the Weasley twins' friendship, they couldn't offer him the same feeling of security that his father , godfather and tutor used to. Also, Harry knew that Fred and George had family and friends in Gryffindor and he couldn't expect them to spend all of their time with him.

At last those who had gone home for Christmas returned and lessons started up again. Harry worked harder than he ever had before to keep his mind off his troubles. Fred and George still caused plenty of trouble in the school but Harry didn't feel like joining in though he did persuade them to refrain from trying to prank Professor Snape. He didn't really want to find out what his head of house would do to him if they did.

A lot of the teachers gave their condolences to Harrry. Harry hated this as each time it was as if he were feeling the pain of loss anew. A meeting with Hagrid went especially badly.

'A great pity about yer dad, Harry.' he said. 'I never would've believed it o' Sirius Black ter do a thing like that. I 'ope 'e rots ter death in Azkaban, I do.'

Harry practically exploded.

'Sirius didn't betray my dad! It's a mistake, he'd never ever do a thing like that. I hate you!' And Harry ran off leaving a devastated gamekeeper behind him.

That evening Snape found Harry in the library and escorted him once more to the headmaster's office. Dumbledore tried to excuse Hagrid by telling Harry how fond he had been of James when he was at school but Harry wasn't interested. Nothing would convince Harry of Sirius' guilt and he wasn't about to forgive anyone who wanted his godfather to rot. Eventually Dumbledore gave up and told Harry sternly that he hoped he would start thinking sensibly soon and let him go. To Harry's surprise, Snape was waiting for him when he exited the Headmaster's study.

Harry was escorted silently down to the dungeons and into Professor Snape's office. The teacher closed the door firmly, then turned on Harry.

'It is about time you learned that you cannot expect people to ignore evidence. All the evidence points to Sirius Black having betrayed your father. You yourself may believe whatever you wish, but even if a mistake has been made the only thing that could persuade people of Black's innocence would be your father returning alive from wherever he disappeared to. As that seems unlikely to happen I suggest you refrain from alienating the few friends you appear to have because they believe what any normal person would believe. Of course, if you prefer to have no friends at all, that is your own business. Now get out of my sight.'

That night Harry had trouble getting to sleep. He had liked Hagrid, but he couldn't bear to hear him ranting against Sirius. Why couldn't he be like Fred and George who had at least pretended to believe in Sirius' innocence. Deep down Harry knew that it probably was pretending, but it showed they cared about Harry's feelings. Even Snape, strangely, as Harry knew he had hated Sirus, didn't say outright that he was guilty without doubt. He had never even said, Harry suddenly realised, that his father was dead beyond doubt. He remembered Snape's words in the hospital wing.

'Gone missing.' 'Declared dead by the ministry.'

Could it be that Professor Snape was not totally convinced that James Potter was dead. Harry knew that he wouldn't ask his head of house about the question. But a tiny seed of hope had been planted deep within him. It would be a long time before Harry mentioned this hope to anyone, but it had taken root and the boy drifted off to sleep deciding to try and make the most of his life so that if James Potter ever did return to the world he would have a son to be proud of.