A/N: I've gotten an 11th chapter written and am working on ch. 12 so we are making progress on this story. I just need to figure out where I'm going with it…

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CapriceAnn Hedican-Kocur – This is only my second HP story. They take a lot longer because I follow the general format that JKR does – summer and the school year (though mine are usually the school year and maybe the following summer). Plus there are so many characters gathered at Hogwarts, plus other outside interactions that it just takes longer to tell the story. In LOTR people who don't live near one another cannot easily interact or communicate, so it limits the players you have to "juggle". For the most part I try to stay fairly true to the story "as it's been told so far". Obviously, both of my stories, which deal with Harry's 6th year become AU when Book 6 comes out and JKR tells us "what really happened then". If I do AU, I still try to stay mostly with canon and only change a tiny fact and go from there, keeping most of the rest the same, or write the AU before the next bit of canon shows up so it is more "speculative" than "AU". Is Sirius really dead? Hard to say in the HP world. Does anyone really understand what that archway is or how it works? Is there really absolutely no way he could come back through it? The only thing we know is that JKR suggests he won't, but maybe that is a smokescreen. Guess we have to wait til the end of Book 7 for it to be an absolute fact. And at that point, with canon ending, we can extrapolate and find a way for him to return beyond what she wrote. But for this story, at least for now, Sirius is dead or my whole premise is shot! And at the moment, I have no plans to bring him back, but the story isn't finished so who knows what will happen!

Elwen of Lorien – "I like that Harry and Watson are able to cope together." – that actually becomes important later, though I wasn't really expecting it to. We'll see exactly how it all works out when I actually write the rest of the story!

Julia – "now who is it that Aurelia loved" – oh good! I like there to be some surprise on things like that and not have everyone see everything coming a mile away. Glad I have at least one person in that category!

Chapter 5

It became easier, after that, for Harry to go to Professor Watson and talk. It almost felt like he was reading his family history as he listened to her stories about his parents and Sirius. Even so, the guilt he felt about Sirius' death hadn't eased much, and one day she finally took the opportunity to ask him questions.

"Harry," she began, then paused pensively. Raising her eyes to hold his gaze, "Something troubles you. I see it in your eyes. Perhaps it would help if you talk about it."

Harry's stomach clenched and he looked away. How could he tell her he was to blame for Sirius' death? He had already seen her anger and contempt for Cornelius Fudge, who had made Sirius suffer. It was unlikely she'd ever speak to him again if she knew what he had done.

When he did not respond, she told him quietly, "I've gotten pretty good at reading people over the years, Harry. Every time I mention Sirius you get a look of pleasure, but almost invariably it is followed by a look of guilt. What is it that you aren't telling me?"

He knew then that he couldn't keep it from her. If he refused to answer, she'd probably just go ask Dumbledore and he had a feeling she'd find out no matter what he did. With a heavy sigh, he admitted, "It's my fault Sirius is dead. I let Voldemort trick me into going to the Ministry of Magic and then Sirius had to come rescue me. He was killed there." He stared at the floor to avoid her gaze.

"How does Voldemort tricking you make it your fault Sirius died?" she asked, not entirely clear on his reasoning.

"Because, I have this stupid 'saving people' thing! I thought Sirius was in danger and I left Hogwarts where it was safe. I didn't try to do anything I should have, I just blundered ahead! I nearly got my friends killed as well, and all because I was too stupid to see that it was a trick! If Sirius hadn't come to try and rescue us, he wouldn't have died. He'd still be safe." He slumped down in utter dejection.

Professor Watson blew out a long breath and rose to look out the window. At last she replied, "I wasn't there, Harry, and I'm sure I don't know a lot of details that you haven't mentioned. But one thing I do know is that Sirius would rather die trying to protect you than live safely in hiding, a wanted man. 'Safely hiding' would have eaten away at him, and sooner or later, whether you were involved or not, he wouldn't have been able to take it anymore, and he would have done something stupid and left his hiding place. He would never have been able to sit on the sidelines and miss playing in the game, no matter the cost he paid. All you did was give him a convenient excuse."

He couldn't believe his ears. She wasn't angry with him; she didn't even think he was to blame? She must not understand what he had been...but, no, he had told her enough. And she knew Sirius better than anyone else living, except maybe Remus. Perhaps there was a chance that Sirius would have acted rashly no matter what. He sat pondering that possibility, wanting desperately to believe it, but not daring to allow himself to do so.

Suddenly he felt a hand on his shoulder and looked up. "This guilt has eaten away at you for a long time, Harry. Don't expect it to go away in an instant. But do consider what I said. Voldemort was the main reason he spent all those years in Azkaban. He would have jumped at any chance to go after him to avenge James and Lily...and himself."

Harry nodded slowly and rose. Without another word, he left her office, walking blindly. He spent the rest of the evening sitting by the lake in a clump of bushes that concealed him from view. He didn't bother going in for dinner and failed to remember he was missing a Quidditch practice.

Finally, he got cold enough that he headed off for bed, his thoughts still swirling, trying to get a handle on his feelings. It was almost midnight when he entered the common room. He was a little surprised that neither Ron nor Hermione had raised an alarm when he hadn't turned up before this, and it depressed him to think they hadn't noticed he was missing, but then he realized he had told Ginny he was going to talk to Professor Watson. Maybe they had asked her and she told them to leave him alone and not worry. His theory seemed proven when he found a plate of food on his bed with a note in Ron's scrawl saying he thought Harry might be hungry later. He still had no appetite, but he used his wand to heat it a bit and ate some of it anyway before climbing into bed.

The next day was Saturday, and Harry rose late, grateful he didn't have to face classes. He did still have to face his friends and all their questions and he really wasn't anxious to do that. Listening carefully, he found the dorm was empty, so quickly he pulled out the invisibility cloak and put it on. He cautiously made his way down to the common room and waited nearly ten minutes before he was able to follow someone out the portrait hole.

Once he was safely outside and away from the castle, he headed for the far side of the lake where few other students were likely to venture. He told himself he needed the privacy so he could think, but the truth was he mostly just stared and his mind seemed numb.

He had been sitting there nearly an hour, when a familiar voice said softly, "Hey, Harry."

His head jerked around to find Ginny standing behind him, a few slices of toast in one hand and a jug of pumpkin juice in the other. Self-consciously she offered him the food, "I thought you might be hungry."

"How...how did you find me?" he asked in astonishment.

She gave him the grin he knew so well, "You forget that even people under invisibility cloaks show up on the Marauder's Map! I snuck into your dorm room and had a look when you didn't turn up and no one knew where you were."

He shook his head in amazement, but gratefully took the food. His appetite was returning somewhat and he had regretted not bringing the leftovers from last night with him.

He was relieved that Ginny didn't ask him any questions while he ate, just sat by his side. Once he was finished, however, he began talking, almost as if he couldn't help himself. He poured out to her what Professor Watson had said, and then glanced at her questioningly to see her reaction.

She thought for several moments, then lifted her eyes to meet his gaze. "She's right, you know. Sirius hated being cooped up in that house and not allowed to do anything to fight Voldemort. Even though he died, and he probably didn't want that mainly because of how it would affect you, he likely was thrilled at the chance to do something, anything."

Harry looked away and murmured, "I'm beginning to believe that."

Against her better judgement, Ginny slid over next to him and slipped an arm through his, "Believe it, Harry. Maybe you shouldn't have reacted the way you did and gone running off to the Ministry, and probably we shouldn't have gone with you, but I just think Sirius would be too glad you escaped Voldemort, and he got to help you, to blame you for anything."

Finally, Harry's heart accepted it. He still would give anything to have his godfather back, but the Professor and Ginny were right about Sirius.

When Harry at last turned to thank Ginny, he was struck by her appearance. It was almost as if he had never seen her before. Maybe he never had. She was always there, always convenient when he needed her. But sitting this close, he could see every one of her freckles and how soft her hair looked. Without thinking, his hand came up to stroke it, to find out if it was as soft as it looked.

He heard Ginny's breath catch at his touch and she turned toward him uncertainly, unnerved by his actions. Before he recognized what he was intending, he had pulled her to him and pressed his lips to hers. Ginny gave a soft moan before leaning into the kiss and letting her arms come up around his neck.

Suddenly Harry's thinking cleared – what was he doing kissing Ginny? He broke the embrace and scrambled to his feet. "Gin-Ginny, I'm sorry! I shouldn't have–"

Tears began to fill her eyes and before he could utter anything more, she staggered to her feet, "Why, Harry? Why shouldn't you?" And with that she turned and raced back toward the castle.

Harry stared after her, too shocked to move, though he wasn't clear whether it was due to the kiss or her reaction. Why had he done it? It was Ginny – he had no business kissing Ginny like that. She was like a...sister. Ron's sister, his sister. But in that moment, Harry began to realize that wasn't so. He had overlooked Ginny and taken her for granted, but he had never really thought of her as a sister. And right at this moment, he didn't want to think of her in that way. Ginny, with the soft touch that soothed him when no other could; Ginny, who was always there for him regardless of the cost to herself; Ginny, who...he fancied.

More dejected than ever, he plunked back down on the ground. Just like everything else in his life, he found a great girl and he messed things up with her. He'd be lucky if she ever spoke to him again, much less forgave him.

xxxxx

The next week was miserable for Harry. He and Ginny couldn't avoid seeing each other, especially between being in the same house and on the Quidditch team together. But the set of Ginny's jaw made it clear to Harry he'd better steer clear of her. Ron was pretty oblivious to the entire thing, and though Hermione noticed Harry's morose mood, she didn't connect it with Ginny, for which Harry was grateful. He wasn't inclined to be answering their questions just now, and he wasn't at all certain how Ron would take the news; that he liked Ginny or, worse still, that he had hurt Ginny.

Professor Watson, on the other hand, did notice his mood, and since it seemed to come on the heels of their discussion about Sirius, apparently thought it might be related. She asked Harry to see her after class, and when he came to her room, she got straight to the point.

"Have I upset you Harry, saying what I did about Sirius?"

He looked up startled, "What? No, no. I reckon you're right about that."

She nodded pensively and then asked, "Then do you want to tell me what is troubling you, or is it none of my business?"

Harry eyed her hesitantly, reluctant to admit what had taken place, but then decided he had no one else to talk to about it. Slowly he poured out what had happened after he left her office a week ago. He sat slouched low in his chair, his hands stuffed deep into his pockets and glaring at the floor.

She rose and came around her desk, to sit on the front edge near Harry. "So, what do you want to do about it?" she asked.

Harry's brows knitted together. "Do? There's nothing I can do! She won't let me talk to her and try to explain—"

"Harry," the Professor interrupted, "there is always something that you can do. True, it may not help, but there is something that you can do. Think about it for a minute – what is it that you want to do about this? Give up and walk away? Sit around feeling miserable and hope you finally get over it? What?"

His eyes narrowed as he gave the matter some thought, then answered, "What I'd like to do is get Ginny to talk to me about this. And I'd like to at least be able to apologize for hurting her and tell her how I really feel about her…but…"

"But what?"

He shrugged defeatedly, "She won't listen, and I'm probably the last guy she'd be interested in now."

"Well, you can give up if that's really what you want, but your father never would have. He'd have found a way to get her to hear him out, no matter the outcome afterwards."

Harry's jaw tightened, and he continued to scowl at the floor. Then gradually, as her words sank in, he looked up at her hopefully, "Would…would you help me?"

"You want me to get involved in students' love lives?" she asked with a hint of amusement.

But Harry was on a roll, and urged, "You did it before – for my dad and mum. Why couldn't you do it now? No one would know but the three of us…"

"And just what exactly did you have in mind? Ginny and I get along rather well. I wouldn't want to do anything to lose her regard for me."

Something in the way she said it made Harry realize she was not really objecting to helping him, just making him think it through completely before acting.

"Well, if you could get Ginny to come to your office for a conference with you, and I was already here, you could ask her to at least hear what I had to say and if she didn't want to believe it she didn't have to. At least that would give me a chance to plead my case with her, and you wouldn't be taking sides. Just sort of playing referee." Harry watched her closely for her reaction to his suggestion.

At length, she nodded. "I could do that. How about Friday, after classes, around five?"

That was only two days away. Harry swallowed hard, then agreed, "Okay. I'll come up with something to say by then." He squared his shoulders with determination. "Thanks, Professor."

Harry stood and Professor Watson followed suit. She considered a moment, then commented, "When in doubt Harry, the best course is just to speak from the heart. Forget flowery words and persuasive arguments – just tell her the truth. If that doesn't work, probably nothing will."

Harry nodded his understanding and moved out the door, feeling lighter-hearted. The good feeling lasted until he spotted Ginny in the Great Hall at dinner. It scared him to death to do this, to just be honest with a girl. His experience with Cho Chang hadn't exactly proven him to be very capable in the romance department. But this was Ginny – he had always been able to talk to Ginny…