Title: Past Mistakes
Author: spacemonkey67
Pairing: Sam/Jack
Rating: PG
Summary: Jack tells Sam something he has never told anyone.
Spoilers: Cold Lazarus
Disclosure: I don't own stargate and with my mind I don't think anyone would want me to.
Genre: Angst
Authors Note: A short and depressing story.
Jack was lying on his bed with his eyes closed. The day was almost over. The day he dreaded every year was finally coming to a close. It always brought up bad memories. He always tried to remember the good, but they never seemed to surface.
He could feel the woman in his arms start to shift. She lifted her head and looked into his eyes. Her eyes were begging him to tell her, but she would never say it out loud. He tried to smile in reassurance, but it looked more like a grimace. Instead he just tightened his arms around her and she lay her head back down on his chest. When she started stroking her hand up and down his chest, he knew that he had to tell her.
He didn't take her to his grave today, and she didn't ask to go. She knew he needed to be alone. This woman knew him inside and out, except for the one thing he refused to tell anyone.
"It's been 10 years" he started. Her hand stopped moving on his chest, but she didn't look up. She knew that he needed the privacy from her caring eyes if he was to continue. "It was the worst day of my life. I don't go a day without thinking about it. There was so much that I could have done to prevent it."
She wanted to tell him that it wasn't his fault and that it was an accident, but she didn't. It wouldn't have been the first time someone told him that. He refused to believe that it wasn't his fault.
He was never one for sitting around and doing nothing, so he thought by blaming himself he was at least doing something. He heard what people said. "Dumb boy, he should have known better" or "maybe he wanted to die." Jack felt that by telling everyone that it was his fault, people would stop blaming his son.
"I hated my wife for forgiving me. I wanted her to blame me until the day I died. She was good at forgiving me for my mistakes, but she could never forget them. I was lucky though. If I drank enough I could forget what happened for a little while. The pain lessened, but I didn't deserve numbing effects of alcohol. A piece of me died that day. Something that I will never get back and I'm scared that I'll screw up again" he said barely above a whisper.
She didn't know what to say and she didn't think there was anything to say. Instead she grabbed on of his hands that was resting on her back and put it on her stomach. She held it there until she could feel a kick. "I love you Jack, and I trust you with all my heart. That means I trust that you will be a great dad" she told him.
"And if I screw up?" he asked.
"You won't" she told him sternly, leaving no room for him to argue.
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