Disclaimer: The characters belong to OLTL, the story is mine. Enjoy!
Ghosts
"John, you haven't said anything since we left the station. Are you feeling alright?"
John walked in the apartment ahead of Evangeline. They had just left the station after talking to Marcie about where the killer might strike next. John knew Evangeline was still a target, but at the rate he was going he wouldn't be able to save her either. That was a thought he couldn't face. He felt Evangeline at his back.
She had insisted on coming home with him even though they were still broken up since he'd been hit over the head and diagnosed with a slight concussion. Evangeline was still his caregiver, regardless of where their relationship was. Even though they were broken up, it seemed as if they spent more time together now than before.
"I'm fine. You don't have to stay." He had a headache, but the meds Michael had given him were kicking in.
"John, I know about concussions. You should have stayed at the hospital."
"I don't need the hospital. I just need to sleep and then I'll be good as new."
Evangeline moved to stand behind him and touched his shoulder. He flinched at her touch and she was shocked and hurt. That had never happened before. She could feel him distancing himself from her and she should be used to it, but she didn't like it.
"You don't have to be the strong or controlled one all the time. You can release that weight on your shoulders sometimes. It's not your fault the killer took Natalie, even if he was trying to get to you. Natalie is home safe. The killer is still out there, but you can't be responsible for his actions. You can't save everybody."
"Evangeline, stop."
"Stop what? Telling the truth? You once told me that I was carrying a heavy load by trying to be what my father wanted, but aren't you doing the same thing?"
John's only response was to look at Evangeline, from where he stood in the doorway to the bedroom, with a steely gaze that could cut glass. Evangeline didn't care. She was sick of a closed off John and she was tired of wanting him to open up to her. But more than that, she knew John would never be whole until he let go of whatever was in his past that caused him to need to protect the world.
"That look may intimidate Michael, but you don't scare me. You told me that your father wanted you to be a good cop. You are. Being a good cop doesn't mean that you'll always get the bad guy. It means that you have to give it your best, but John this is beyond that. What makes you think that you're not worth saving?"
"Let it go, Evangeline." John's voice had risen and Evangeline was glad. She wanted a reaction out of him and if anger was all she could get, then so be it.
"What, John? Let what go. I still love you and I hate to see you hurting, even though you hurt me more than I ever thought possible."
"Don't you think I'm sorry for that? I hate that you got hurt, but I should have expected it. Everybody who's ever loved me has gotten hurt or left me. I thought I could get passed it; I wanted to get passed it with you. Then you left me, too."
"John, I didn't leave you. I had to save myself."
"From me. Because I always hurt the one's who mean the most to me. I couldn't save my dad or Caitlyn. You got kidnapped and a killer is still out there and I can't find him. This is why I never should have gotten involved with you."
"Why? So you could keep yourself closed off from the world? I know that you care about me, I just don't know how much."
"Yeah, I do and that wasn't supposed to happen. After Caitlyn, I promised myself I wouldn't get emotionally involved with anyone. It hurts too much when you lose them. But Natalie came along and I started feeling again, maybe it was the fact that she was a victim because of something I got her and Cris into. I don't know, but it didn't work out, because ultimately, she didn't make me feel complete. She was like that best friend's sister that you know you need to protect, because he can't. Anyway, then you came along and everything I buried, the longer I knew you, came to the surface. There were things I never wanted to deal with that were suddenly staring me in the face."
"I would have helped you. I want to help you. You don't have to go through any of that alone."
"I can't put you through that."
"Why not? I've wanted to be there for you from the beginning. I'm strong. I can handle whatever you can dish out, but I won't be someone for you to step on. You've got to share with me as your equal."
"Don't you think I want to?"
"Then what's holding you back. Just talk to me."
"I don't even know where to start."
"How about the beginning?"
John took a deep breath and sat down on the sofa. He glanced at Evangeline and held out his hand to her. She tentatively placed hers in his and sat beside him. John silently stroked his thumb over her wrist and she sighed at the sensation. When Evangeline thought John wouldn't speak, he started.
"Dad had come to school with me that day for Career day. It was close to the end of the day and Dad was going to pick Michael up early and we were all going for ice cream. As we were walking to his car, these guys pulled this gun out the window of their car and I yelled for dad. He pushed me out of the way and took a bullet in the chest. I should have been killed, but he was. My mom and my brother needed him and I was the reason he was taken away."
"What about you? You needed him, too, John. It wasn't your fault," Evangeline said. John rose from the sofa and walked to his desk.
"You weren't there. You didn't see it happen. I distracted dad and he got shot."
"John, you were a ten years old. You couldn't have stopped that," Evangeline said standing and turning toward him.
In an unexpected fit of rage, John pushed everything off the main surface of his desk. Evangeline jumped in spite of herself. She knew that John would never hurt her, but she'd never seen him like this. John took a deep breath and put his hands on his hips in his signature stance. Evangeline wanted to go to him, but she didn't want to push him too far. This was a moment John needed his space and while everything in her wanted to comfort him, she kept her distance.
"I'm sorry," he finally said. "I didn't mean to scare you." When he looked at Evangeline he had tears in his eyes. The bleak look on his face said his world was falling apart and he didn't know how to fix it.
"You didn't," she whispered back.
"Is that why you have that deer in headlights look on your face?"
"I guess I should rephrase. I'm not scared for me, but for you."
"Don't be."
"I don't know how to do that. I see you and I worry. You push yourself to the limit to pay a penance for something that you had no control over. What if you had a son and he was in danger and you got hurt trying to protect him? Would it be your son's fault?"
"I know what you're trying to do."
"Is it working? What happened to your father is not your fault? You have to let it go. What would your father want?"
"For me to let it go," John whispered. One of the tears fell down his and he closed his eyes, bowing his head conceding the point.
"Then do that. If you father was anything like you, he'd want you to live life to its fullest. He'd want you to be happy." As she spoke, she moved closer to him. When she was in arms reach, she ran a hand over his head, the hair tickling her fingers. It had been so long since she felt the strands of silk wrap themselves around her fingers. John leaned into the touch and before she could release the breath she didn't know she was holding, he crushed her to him. She wrapped her arms around him tightly and held on.
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John had been carrying so much weight for so long 'til he didn't know how heavy the load was until he started to let it go. Evangeline held him and he realized he didn't have to hold it together for the first time in his life. Someone else was willing to carry part of the weight for him. John finally let it all out. He would give her the details later, but for now he could cry. John hadn't done that in a long time. He's prided himself with always being in control and taking care of everyone. Now he finally had someone who loved him enough to take care of him. The realization gave him a relief he had only imagined.
When John opened his eyes, he realized that he and Evangeline were sitting on the floor. How they'd gotten there, he had no idea. She still had her arms wrapped around him and was stroking his back. He lifted his head and looked into her eyes. She smiled at him and he knew in that moment everything was going to be okay. Evangeline had seen him at his weakest and she was still smiling at him. Tears threatened again. John didn't know what had happened to him, but he knew he couldn't put the wall up with her again. He looked at the floor and started talking. For the first time he felt free of all the stuff he'd kept to himself. When he finished talking about his father and Caitlyn and Natalie and his mother and brother, he finally looked at Evangeline.
"Do you feel better, now?" she whispered.
"Yeah," he answered back.
"I'm glad. Thank you for trusting me with that."
"Thank you for being here for me, especially after how much I hurt you."
"You know love is a funny thing. Even when the people you love most hurt you, you don't want to see them hurt. You still want them to be okay. That hasn't changed. I don't think it ever will."
John reached out a hand and slid his fingers into her hair.
"I know what you mean," he said. He pulled her to him and tilted his forehead to touch hers. John rubbed his nose against hers and whispered against her lips, "I love you, so much." Before she could respond at all, he pressed his lips to hers. He felt her tense in shock and then relax. When she pulled out of the kiss, they shared a smile.
"What did you just say?"
"I love you, so much."
"Why now?"
"Because I can. I haven't said those words to anyone since my dad died. This feeling I have for you is not like anything I've ever experienced before and you've helped me put away some things I've been caring most of my life. I don't know what I can say to make that up to you."
"You don't have to say anything. I'm here because I love you, too."
"I know and you have no idea how thankful I am for that. How did I get so lucky?"
"I don't know," she smirked, "but you must have done something good."
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As he laid staring at the woman in bed with him and stroking the hair that lay across his chest, John could not get over how much he loved her. She had been there for him when no one else could or would. He owed her his life, because she had given his back to him. What in the world had he done to be blessed with someone like her? He didn't know, but he thanked God that she was his. That he did know without shadow of doubt.