Disclaimer: All of the funny lines are from the movie Blazing Saddles.
Chapter 3, They Are Soooo Dumb: In which our favorite werewolf receives a less-than-hearty welcome from his former friends.
Remus Lupin's head was spinning. Not an hour ago, he'd been standing on a crude frontier gallows, the rough hemp rope of the hangman's noose around his neck. Now he was riding a magnificent Abraxan stallion across the desert, en route to Potterville, where, unbelievably, he'd been appointed the new sheriff by none other than Lucius Malfoy.
"Unbelievable is the word for it," Remus murmured to himself. There was no doubt that the senior Malfoy had plans of his own that he, Remus, knew nothing about—plans that could easily get him killed. Remus chuckled and reined the Abraxan to a halt under the shade of some creosote bushes. He wasn't about to ride into Potterville without a cunning plan of his own!
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Meanwhile, the Potterville town council—comprised of six Weasleys and a Podmore—had worked feverishly to organize a rousing welcome for the new sheriff. Bill Weasley put the finishing touches on a huge banner while his mother Molly arranged red, white, and blue bunting on the rail of the hastily-conjured reviewing stand. A tiny Elf owl fluttered down and landed on his sister Ginny's shoulder. She pulled off the miniature scroll attached to its leg and read it excitedly. "The new sheriff should be arriving any minute now!"
"Strike up the band," Arthur shouted. Tiny Filius Flitwick complied, climbing onto his podium and directing with his wand. The band labored heroically to produce something that sounded vaguely like a military march, if one had tin ears and didn't use them to listen too closely. Fred and George, who'd been pressed into service as musicians at the last minute, grimaced and conjured scarlet earmuffs to match their band uniforms.
"Dung, do you see anything?" Arthur called up to Mundungus Fletcher, who was perched atop the tallest building in town.
The old prospector pulled out a pair of omnioculars and peered through them into the distance. "I see dust, dad gum it," he hollered. "It must be the sheriff!"
"Ring out the church bells!" Percy cried. The clanging of the bell joined the din of Sturgis Podmore on sousaphone, Fleur Delacour-Weasley on clarinet, the Weasley twins on kazoo and whoopee cushion, and Elphias Doge on the triangle.
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Coming down the trail into town, Remus could faintly hear the church bell chiming, along with... "What is that? A colony of flatulent prairie dogs?" he asked the horse, who snorted in response. "Well, whatever it is, it looks like the entire town has turned out to welcome us."
Remus squared his shoulders and checked the stiff, new leather belt around his waist one last time. One holster held a shiny Colt 45 pistol, the other held his wand. Lucius Malfoy himself had returned the wand to him along with a pardon for the crimes Remus had allegedly committed. Moments later, the stunned werewolf had been appointed sheriff of Potterville. Malfoy had proceeded to pin a silver star to Remus' new buckskin shirt. "At least I look the part," Remus chuckled.
Down in town, Mundungus Fletcher adjusted the omnioculars to maximum distance and recognized Remus Lupin's greying hair and scarred face. "The new sheriff is a were—" he shrieked, the final syllable drowned out by an especially enthusiastic blat from Podmore's sousaphone.
"What did he say?" asked Molly.
Arthur replied confidently. "He said, 'The new sheriff is near.'"
Mundungus was hopping up and down in consternation. "No, conflabbit! Dagnabbit, I said, the new sheriff is a trai—" The sound of the old church bell overpowered his words again.
"What?" yelled Molly.
"The new sheriff is a-comin' down the trail," Ginny shrieked above the din.
Now he was on the outskirts of town. Penelope Clearwater screamed as she caught sight of Remus' face. The townsfolk craned their necks to see what the fuss was about. George recognized Remus next and swallowed his kazoo. Fred pounded his choking, sputtering twin on the back as the rest of the band fell silent in shock, except for Sturgis Podmore, who was still oom-pah-pahing valiantly.
Atop the reviewing stand, acutely aware of his duties as the leading citizen of the village, Arthur Weasley was adjusting his spectacles and consulting his notes. "As chairman of the welcoming committee," he read, "it is my privilege to extend the hand of friendship to our new town..." Arthur looked up from his notes and met Remus' eyes. "...Traitor!" he said.
"Finite incantatum," whispered Bill and the banner flashing 'Welcome, Sheriff' in red and gold winked out with a soft fizzle.
Fred elbowed Podmore in the ribs and the sousaphone solo ended with a wheeze.
Remus smiled pleasantly at the stunned citizens and dismounted from his horse. As he swung down from the saddle, he slipped his wand under the saddle blanket. "Stay close, boy," he whispered, "and remember the plan." The Abraxan whickered softly.
Heart pounding, Remus climbed the steps to join Arthur and Molly on the reviewing platform. He didn't feel much better than he had climbing the steps to the gallows that morning. The wizarding war had been especially hard on the Weasleys. Their sons Charlie and Ron had both died, the victims of attacks by renegade werewolves in Voldemort's service. It was still hard for Remus to accept that the Weasleys could blame him for the loss of Ron and Charlie, but they had made no attempt to defend him, or even visit, once he'd been sentenced to life in Azkaban.
Looking around at the dumbfounded faces of his former friends, Remus dared to hope that time might have healed some of their wounds. He was here to help; they would have to accept him... Wouldn't they? He pulled out the official document signed by the governor herself. "By the power vested in me by the," Remus nearly choked on the next word, "honorable governor Dolores Jane Umbridge—"
The sound of wands being drawn and pistols cocked interrupted him. Remus glanced up. Every single person in the town of Potterville had a weapon pointed directly at him. Even Arabella Figg was aiming a tiny derringer at his heart. Remus gulped and let the parchment drop from his fingers. It was time for the cunning plan. "Incipere incantatum," he murmured, activating the doppleganger spell he'd prepared before riding into town. It had been a long time since he'd cast any magic at all. Remus could only hope the complicated illusion would work as planned.
The crowd gasped as a second Remus Lupin suddenly materialized in their midst. This Lupin was scruffy and disreputable, sporting several days growth of greying beard stubble and wearing the dirty and tattered uniform of a convict laborer. The doppleganger rushed up the stairs to Remus' side with the unmistakable drumming of hooves.
This was the only flaw in Remus' plan; the illusion that had turned his horse into his twin was limited to appearance only. If the doppleganger tried to speak, a horse's whinny was all that would be heard. "One false move and the werewolf gets it!" Remus spoke hoarsely out of the side of his mouth, trying hard not to move his lips. He'd listened to ventriloquists on the Wizarding Wireless Network as a child, but he didn't have much confidence in his own ability to throw his voice.
Fortunately the Weasleys seemed to be taken in by the trick. The doppleganger had his wand pressed to the side of Remus' head. "I mean it," Remus warned, "Unless you want to see this werewolf's head blown all over this town, drop the weapons!" One by one, the townsfolk put down their wands and guns, until only Bill was aiming his pistol at Remus' heart.
"Do as he says, Bill," cried Arthur Weasley. "The werewolf is crazy enough to go through with it!"
Reluctantly, Bill let his gun drop to the ground. Remus eased down off the reviewing stand, pulling the disguised horse after him. To the assembled townsfolk, it looked as though the doppleganger was pushing Remus along, wand still aimed at his skull.
"Isn't anyone going to help that poor man?" Molly pleaded.
"Shh, Ma, that's a sure way to get him killed," whispered George.
"Don't try to follow me, or the traitor dies," growled Remus out of the corner of his mouth. "Do as he says," he screamed a moment later. "Do as he says, or lordy, he'll kill me!" Remus rolled his eyes in terror, risking a glance at the crowd who now stood, horrified and helpless to aid him. "Shut up, werewolf!" Remus ordered himself. He pulled the horse after him into a nearby alley while the Weasleys looked on.
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Five minutes later, Remus had made his way through back alleys to the sheriff's office. "Finite incantatum," he breathed. The doppleganger disappeared, turning back into the faithful horse he'd ridden into town. "Thanks, boy, I couldn't have done it without you." After making sure the Abraxan was comfortable in the small stable, Remus went inside, locked the office door, and leaned against it gratefully. "Man," he whispered to himself. "You are so clever... And they are soooooo stupid!"
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In the town square, Ginny Weasley raised her chin defiantly. "I'm going to write a letter to Governor Umbridge right away," she said, "and let her know exactly what we think of this new sheriff!"