Disclaimer: All of the funny lines are from Blazing Saddles.
Chapter 6, Hanky Panky: In which a fanon-compliant Hermione tackles the role of Lili Von Sthupp, Snape finds himself the object of a barmaid's affections, and Dobby serves up sausage.
Remus and Snape took seats at a table in the back of the crowded saloon. Fred and George Weasley were both on duty behind the bar. The twins' expressions weren't exactly friendly, but since Remus had saved the town from Mongo, they could hardly refuse to serve him.
The spunky barmaid Remus had seen earlier sashayed over to their table, her hips swaying. Remus and Snape both gulped. Her tight red dress showed off an abundance of shapely curves. Her hair was piled high on her head, spilling down in ringlets to frame her face. She smiled at the dumbfounded males and licked her lips seductively. The effect was spoiled when she tripped over a patron's booted feet and stumbled headlong into Snape. "Hello there, cowboy," she purred, recovering her aplomb quickly. "What's your pleasure?"
"Two beers," Remus said. The barmaid gave him a hard look. "I asked him that same question in chapter four," he stammered, "and I don't think a lady would appreciate the answer."
"But I ain't no lady, Sheriff," she replied, then broke into a warm smile. "No hard feelin's. The name's Belle." She turned back to Snape. "And you would be?"
Remus suspected that Snape was going to be his usual antisocial self, so he risked answering for him again. "Miss Belle, please allow me to introduce you to the Honeydukes Kid."
"You're pullin' my lariat," she scoffed. "The Honeydukes Kid had the fastest—"
Snape appeared to shift slightly in his seat. A split second later, Belle's clothes were noticeably disheveled. "—hands in the West," she concluded with a gasp. "Dang, I never been felt up so quick," she said, hastily adjusting her garments. "Or so whole-hog thorough!" Instead of being insulted, she seemed duly impressed. With a wink at Snape, Belle hurried off to the bar to fetch their beer.
Mindful of his duties as sheriff, Remus scanned the crowd, alert for trouble. Snape lounged back in his chair, sipping his beer and looking smug. He leaned forward in anticipation as the Weasley twins took to the stage.
"Witches and Gentlewizards, it gives my brother Fred and I great pleasure to announce..."
"One of the finest talents ever to tread the boards..." chimed in Fred.
"Our very own Bohemian Rhapsody, the one, the only..."
"Mimi von Karkaroff!" they concluded in unison.
The packed house applauded thunderously as the twins levitated the red velvet curtain. A woman stood in the center of the stage holding an immense ostrich-plume fan which concealed her from the top of her head to her silk-skirted knees. As the piano player struck up a lively burlesque tune, she lowered the fan and started to sing in a throaty contralto.
Remus spewed beer across the table. "It's Hermione Granger!"
"Miss Granger, or should I say, Ms Karkaroff, goes by her ex-husband's name now," Snape informed him with a gleam in his eyes.
"Karkaroff?" Remus choked, "She married Igor Karkaroff? He was old enough to be her father!"
"We're both old enough to be her father," Snape corrected. "Karkaroff was old enough to be her grandfather."
"And he was a Death Eater," Remus said morosely. The audience cheered wildly and he glanced back at the stage. Hermione had discarded the ostrich-feather fan, along with the comparatively modest ankle-length skirt she'd been wearing. Remus put his head in his hands.
"Igor has had a successful career here in the New West, selling patent medicines. Snake oil," Snape said. "Fitting, don't you think?"
"She was the cleverest witch of her age I'd ever met," Remus groaned. "What happened to her?" He risked another look at the stage. Hermione had certainly... He shied away from the phrase 'filled out' and quickly substituted 'grown up'. Yes, she'd definitely grown up considerably since the last time he'd seen her. She'd be, what, twenty-three or twenty-four by now? He had to admit, it took talent to sing like that, while simultaneously producing showers of bubbles from her wand, and, and... Remus groaned again and buried his face in his hands as the crowd registered riotous approval. Hermione was now topless.
"Lupin, I never took you for a prude," Snape chided.
Remus turned his chair so his back was to the stage and scowled at Snape. "She was one of our students," he hissed. "Just obliviate me, would you please? Erase this whole sorry episode from my mind. That poor girl, forced to assume the avatar of an Old West burlesque queen..."
"Save your pity for someone who deserves it. Miss Granger took to the role of Mimi von Karkaroff like a dugbog to water." Snape's attention was distracted by the stage show. "Ah," he breathed. "The things that woman can do with a wand..."
Remus let out another groan as the crowd cheered and stamped their feet. Somehow he doubted that a few colored bubbles would get that kind of reaction from Snape. "Ron's death must have been very hard for her," he suggested. It must have unhinged her completely, he added to himself.
"Ron? Who, Ronald Weasley?" Snape sounded dubious. "I suppose... Weasley was one of her boyfriends at Hogwarts, wasn't he?"
"One of her boyfriends?" Remus sputtered.
"When she wasn't busy with Wood or Jordan or Krum... or Weasley's twin brothers..." Snape hid a grin behind his mug of beer. He'd been wrong; it was still rather enjoyable to inflict pain upon Lupin. "Or famous Harry Potter himself, or young Malfoy," he continued his recitation.
"Draco Malfoy!"
"Oh, I'm sorry, Lupin, I didn't mean to imply that Draco was the only one. No, Lucius too, during her senior year, I believe... And before that there was that brief fling with Sirius Black, and—"
"I need a breath of fresh air," Remus said weakly. Shielding his eyes from the stage, he fled the room.
——————
The show was concluding with a final, patriotic number before Remus had recovered sufficiently to return to his seat. With horrified fascination, he watched as Mimi von Karkaroff—in fringed pasties, four-inch heels, and G-string—led a chorus line of high-kicking, flag-waving House Elves in a stirring rendition of God Bless America.
Remus turned to see Snape's reaction. To his surprise, Belle had joined Snape at the table. In fact, she was sitting in his lap. Snape didn't seem to mind her invasion of his personal space. On the contrary, the normally surly gunslinger appeared to be thoroughly enjoying the female attention. "Why don't you two get a room?" Remus said.
"We were just waiting to deliver this message," Snape replied smoothly. He tossed a parchment envelope across the table.
"Who's it from?" Snape and Belle both shrugged. Remus examined the envelope. The letters S-P-E-W had been embossed into the wax seal. He opened it and read aloud:
Dear Sheriff,
I must see you in my dressing room immediately after the show.
Very truly yours,
Mimi von Karkaroff
Snape spewed his beer across the table.
——————
A star had been conjured upon the door along with the name Mimi von Karkaroff in gold letters. Remus knocked softly.
"Wilkommen, bienvenue, welcome... Come on in."
He complied, relieved to see that Hermione was more or less modestly dressed in a silky black robe adorned with marabou feathers. "Please, sit down," she offered. "Make yourself at home."
Remus perched nervously on the edge of the sofa. Hermione immediately left her chair and came to sit beside him. He swallowed hard; closer proximity revealed that the fabric of her robe was extremely sheer. It left only a little to the imagination, and after seeing his former student on stage, Remus found that his imagination was now working overtime.
"Did you enjoy the show tonight, Sheriff?"
"Er... It was very... interesting," was all he could manage.
"Interesting?" Hermione seemed disappointed.
"You have a lot of talent," Remus added hurriedly. It was true. She showed nearly as much talent for the stage as she had for her academic studies.
"Thank you."
There was an awkward silence. Finally, Hermione rose to her feet. "I hope you don't mind if I slip into something a little more comfortable?"
"Please do." She disappeared behind a large dressing screen. Remus harbored the hope that she'd realized how unsuitable he was as a romantic partner and would put on something less revealing. There was a brief swish of fabric and Hermione instantly reappeared. Remus nearly choked. Surely such tiny scraps of lace couldn't really qualify as clothing!
"Oh, it's so very bright in here, isn't it? Nox!" Every lamp in the room was instantly extinguished, leaving them in nearly total darkness.
Remus was relieved; at least now she couldn't see him blushing. "Hermione," he began when she sat down beside him again.
"Please, call me Mimi." Her voice was husky, her warm breath tickling his ear.
"Hermione," Remus persisted. "I know you don't recall, but we've met before—"
"Yes, Remus, I know. At Hogwarts," she said briskly.
"You remember! That's wonderful! That makes three of us. I met up with Severus Snape recently and—"
"We can discuss plans for the class reunion later, Remus." Her voice had regained its seductive tone. In the dark, her hands were busy with the buttons of Remus' shirt. "Tell me," she murmured, "is it true what they say about lycanthropes? The way you people are... gifted?"
"I really don't think we should—"
"Oh, it's true," she gasped. "It's true, it's true!"
"Er, Hermione?"
"Mimi," she interrupted impatiently. "Call me Mimi... It's true," she repeated rapturously. "So long, so hard, so... So slender?"
"Mimi, that's my wand."
"Oh!" She giggled. "So it is..." Her hands began to roam again.
Remus was rapidly discovering that Hermione possessed other talents that he had never been aware of before. He made one last effort, even though he'd obviously arrived on the scene years too late to save Hermione's virtue. "Hermione, I was your professor!"
"But you aren't any longer, are you? Please, memories of my former life are painful for me. I really was quite fond of Ron... and Harry... and dear, dear Albus."
Remus groaned. "Not Dumbledore too!"
Hermione's voice was very soft. "Please, Remus, just... Hold me. Love me. The man I remember would never refuse a request from a lady, now would he?"
"It's true," said Remus.
——————
Dobby's immense tennis-ball eyes shone with hero-worship as he levitated the cover off a silver platter of sausages. "Brave Sheriff Lupin! Does brave Sheriff Lupin want another schnitzengrüben?"
"No, thank you," Remus replied, a bit desperately. "Fifteen is my limit on schnitzengrüben."
Hermione leaned across the breakfast table to whisper in his ear. "Then how about a little..."
"Baby, please! I may be a werewolf, but believe me, I'm only human. Besides," Remus told her, "I have to go. Duty calls..."
"Listen to me, Remus." Hermione's voice took on the bossy tone he remembered from her schoolgirl days. "I didn't want to mention it last night and spoil the mood, but Lucius Malfoy hired me to seduce you. I was supposed to slip a love potion into your drink, then abandon you and break your heart."
"Thank you for telling me," Remus said dryly. "And here I thought you just couldn't resist my charms."
"Oh, I never went along with Malfoy's scheme," Hermione said briskly, "fond as I am of the old goat. I've had a crush on you ever since third year," she admitted. "Ever since I found out you were a... But that's not important right now," she said hastily. "What is important is that Lucius is determined to ruin you."
"I did rather notice that," he admitted with a grin. "But do you know why? Besides the obvious," he added.
"Not yet, Remus, but when I find out, I'll be sure to let you know." She blew him a kiss as he opened the door to leave. "Oh, and Remus? Say hello to Severus for me... You know, I was always so very fond of him."
Remus groaned.