Disclaimer: All of the funny lines are from Blazing Saddles. Lupin and Snape's opening lines and Hermione's song line are from Lili Von Shtupp's song in the movie.
Chapter 7: Pawns, Potions, and Badges: In which Mongo declares his devotion, Remus regains a former ally, and a monkey wrench is tossed into Snape and Belle's romance.
Remus opened the door to the sheriff's office, wondering whether Severus Snape would still be in residence. The black-clad gunslinger was reclining in the deputy's chair with his booted feet propped up on the desk. "How was your—ah—appointment with Ms Karkaroff?" he asked.
"Unbelievable," Remus said truthfully. He considered the sheriff's chair for a moment, rejected it, and instead collapsed across the desk with his long legs dangling. "Merlin's beard, I'm... so... tired."
Snape chuckled. "Sick and tired of love," he quoted.
"I've had my fill of love," Remus admitted.
"From below and above?"
"That's enough, Snape. This is supposed to be rated PG-13," Remus warned.
Snape tossed a parchment across the space between the desks. It landed on Remus' chest. "That arrived by owl this morning. It's a writ for Mongo's release."
Remus sat up and examined the document. "Signed by Lucius Malfoy himself," he said with a sigh. "Well, it's legal." He staggered across the office to the prison cells, where a snoring Mongo hung from the bars. "A hand, please, Snape?"
"If I must."
Remus hid a smile as he noted that Snape was also a little unsteady on his feet this morning. The Honeydukes Kid's clothes were uncharacteristically rumpled, as if they'd spent the night on the floor in an untidy heap, and there were lipstick stains on his collar.
"Finite incantatum," the two wizards chanted in unison. It had taken binding spells from both of them to secure the hulking giant to the prison bars.
"Wake up, Mongo," Remus called. The monster yawned and stretched, popping off the remaining heavy iron chains as if they were made of paper. He blinked small, deepset eyes sleepily at Remus. "You're free to go, Mongo," Remus told him.
"No!" Mongo shook his shaggy head. "Mongo not leave! Mongo like She-riff. She-riff only man to ever whup Mongo," he explained. Before Remus could react, Mongo lunged forward and grabbed him in a bear hug. "Mongo develop strong feelings for She-riff!"
"Ulp," Remus gasped. The giant's enthusiastic embrace was crushing his ribs.
"Ah, careful, Lupin," Snape grinned. "Looks like Ms Karkaroff isn't the only one who's smitten. Mongo seems to have taken a fancy to you as well."
"Uh-uh, no," the giant corrected him, setting Remus back on his feet. "Mongo straight."
Snape traced his mouth with one long, sallow finger, pondering for a moment before asking, "Why did Lucius Malfoy send you to wreak havoc upon Potterville, Mongo?"
The monster gave Snape a blank look. "Lu-cy?"
With a pained expression, the former head of Slytherin tried again, enunciating clearly. "Why did Lucy send Mongo to smash Potterville?"
"Mongo not know." His brow furrowed in thought. "Got somethin' to do with... Where the choo-choo go."
Remus and Snape exchanged a quizzical look. "Why would Lucius Malfoy care 'where the choo-choo go'?" Remus asked. Snape shrugged.
Mongo echoed the gesture. "Mongo not know. Mongo only pawn in game of life."
"Maybe some of the old gang back at the railroad have heard something. Come along, Snape, a bit of fresh air will do you good."
——————
It didn't take long to retrieve an Abraxan for the Honeydukes Kid from the stables. Soon the flying horses were touching down along the railway where the convict gang was hard at work. The group of werewolves, centaurs, hags and warlocks dropped their picks and shovels and ran over when they recognized Remus.
Dean Thomas was the first to reach them. The young lycanthrope was thrilled to see his friend still alive. "They said you were hung!" he cried.
Remus couldn't resist the set-up. "And they were right," he said smugly.
Snape rolled his eyes. The convict gang gathered around to hear the story of Remus' escape from the gallows. After the excitement had died down a bit, he asked about Lucius Malfoy's interest in the little town of Potterville.
"Remember that quicksand we discovered?" Dean asked. Remus nodded. That was how this entire adventure had begun! "The railroad line had to be diverted," Dean explained. "The railway is going to go right through Potterville."
"That property will be worth a great deal of gold as a result," Snape pointed out.
"No wonder Malfoy wants to get rid of the Weasleys! If he can claim ownership, he'll stand to make millions," Remus exclaimed. "He's not the type to give up easily. I wonder what he'll try next?"
Snape was just about to reply when Draco and Lyle and the rest of their gang rode up. "Now if that don't beat all," Draco said, disgusted. "Here we take the time an' trouble t' run off the Muggles an' the half-bloods and the freaks, and for what? So we can take a nice town full o' innocent witches and wizards and appoint a mudblood sheriff what's a werewolf to boot! I am depressed."
"Excuse me, Draco, sir, but I sure do hate to see you like this," said Lyle. "What if me and the boys was to shoot that there werewolf dead? Would that pep you up?"
Draco smiled nastily. "That might help."
Lyle gestured to the rest of the gang. Six guns were drawn.
"I wouldn't do that if I were you." Snape's voice was very soft. He hadn't moved in his saddle.
"Aw, don't worry about that ol' alcoholic," Lyle sneered. "He couldn't hit the broad side of a barn."
Snape's eyes gleamed. He flexed his fingers, an almost imperceptible gesture.
Lyle and his five flunkies aimed their guns at Remus. Remus could feel himself tensing. He kept his eyes on Snape. Suddenly, Lyle made a move. Before anyone could react, six shots rang out, followed by six soft thuds as the gang's guns hit the desert sand. The thugs cried out in shock. Although Snape hadn't appeared to even move, he'd shot the pistols right out of the cowpokes' hands.
Draco's jaw dropped and he stared at Snape as though seeing him for the first time. His already pale face went several shades paler. "P-professor Snape?"
"Well, don't just sit there looking stupid, grasping your hands in pain," Remus said. "How about a little applause for the Honeydukes Kid?"
The crowd of convicts burst into applause and cheers. Draco's gang joined them reluctantly. Remus glanced over at Snape, expecting to see a smirk or a least some sign of satisfaction. Instead, the gunslinger was frowning, apparently lost in thought.
——————
As soon as the werewolf sheriff was out of sight, Draco apparated to Lucius Malfoy's office to report on Severus Snape's defection to the side of goodness, purity, and right. "Paw! Colsarnit, Paw, you ain't a-gonna believe who's turned traitor now..."
A loud laugh interupted his diatribe against Snape. Draco whirled around and saw Mimi von Karkaroff, securely tied to a chair. "What's that little mudblood doin' here?"
Hermione spat in his face. Draco snarled and spit back. He missed by at least two feet.
"Ms Karkaroff has developed an unhealthy interest in where the choo-choo go," Lucius said.
Draco looked blank. "Huh?"
"The railroad line through Potterville," Lucius snapped impatiently. "Ms Karkaroff not only failed to seduce Lupin as ordered, it now seems that she is actively spying on his behalf."
"Your nefarious scheme will never succeed. You'll never beat Remus Lupin," Hermione told Lucius. "Why, he's twice the man you are!" She began to sing, "I've been with thousands of men, again and again—"
Lucius slapped her. "Shut up, you bushy-haired twit, whilst I think of an appropriate punishment for your betrayal."
"Let me help, Paw," Draco leered, "I can think of a couple o' things myself..."
"Neither one of you are going to do anything," Hermione said. "Get 'em, boys!"
The song had apparently been a signal. Dobby and a brigade of House Elves dressed in knitted hats, scarves, and flashing S.P.E.W. badges suddenly appeared in the room. Two of the little creatures rushed to untie Hermione while the rest darted about like Cornish Pixies, hurling books and knick-knacks at the Malfoys.
"Don't let her get away," shrieked Lucius.
Dobby upended the spittoon over Draco's head as he lunged at Mimi, who promptly disapparated. Unable to stop his forward momentum, Draco charged headfirst into the fireplace with a resounding clang. The House Elves snapped their fingers and disappeared in little puffs of colored smoke.
"This is worse than I thought," Lucius muttered to himself as Draco stumbled around the office, drenched in slimy brown tobacco juice, trying to dislodge the dented spittoon from his head. "Whatever am I to do?"
Draco finally managed to pop the spittoon off his head and jumped up and down eagerly,. "Let me an' the gang help, Paw!"
"No, no, your pathetic little gang won't do at all," mused the senior Malfoy. "What I need is an army!" His pale eyes glowed brightly. "Yes, splendid! Draco, I want you to round up every criminal and desperado in the West. Write this down... I want rustlers, hustlers, cutthroats, bounty hunters, nitwits, halfwits, dimwits..." Draco rummaged around the desk looking for a pen and parchment. "Vipers, snipers, con-men, Indian agents, Mexican bandits," Lucius went on with manic glee as Draco continued his futile search. "Muggers, Muggle-buggerers, bushwhackers, hornswogglars, horse thieves, bull-dykes, train robbers, bank robbers, ass-kickers, shit-kickers, and Death Eaters!" he concluded triumphantly.
Draco emerged from under the desk with a bedraggled feather quill and a paper napkin. "Um, could you repeat that, Paw?"
——————
Remus and Snape returned to find Potterville in an uproar. Everyone seemed to be packing hastily, preparing to evacuate. They reined in at the saloon, where Fred and George Weasley were levitating barrels of butterbeer into a wagon. "What's going on?" Remus demanded. "You can't just give up and leave!"
"Oh yes we can," George—or Fred—said. The red-head paused just long enough to thrust a piece of parchment into Remus' hands.
Remus unrolled it and read out loud:
Wanted!
Cutthroats, Murderers and Desperadoes
to destroy the town of Potterville
Criminal record required
Serious applicants only
see Lucius Malfoy
an Equal Opportunity employer
"Can't you see that this is just the last act of a desperate man?" Remus asked, grabbing Fred—or George—by the arm to get him to stop loading the wagon.
The twin shook him off. "We don't care if it's the first act of Henry the Fifth," he said.
His brother joined in, "We're leaving!"
Remus raised his voice so everyone on Main Street could hear. "Please," he said, "just give me twenty-four hours to come up with a plan to save the town."
Arthur Weasley started to shake his head, but Ginny stepped forward. "He defeated Mongo," she reminded her friends and neighbors. "Let's give him a chance."
"All right, sheriff," said Bill. "You've got twenty-four hours."
——————
Remus paced back and forth in the sheriff's office, deep in thought. He'd asked the residents of Potterville for twenty-four hours but the truth was he didn't even have that much time. This latest burden was the last thing he needed. Right now he had his own problems to worry about!
"The full moon is tomorrow night," Snape pointed out.
"I know, I know," Remus snapped impatiently. "You needn't worry. I'll just lock myself in one of the cells. That is, if the jail is still standing by then."
"Is that how all of the infected convicts are dealt with?" Snape asked, "They are locked up to endure the transformation?"
Remus stopped his pacing. "Yes, Snape. Remember, as far as anyone else in the New West is concerned, it's the year 1874. The wolfsbane potion hasn't been invented yet."
Snape didn't say anything else for several long moments. Remus was about to resume his pacing when Snape spoke again. "I should have no difficulty in brewing sufficient quantities of the potion for you and your lycanthropic friends," he said. "The ingredients are not uncommon."
"You would do that... For me?" Remus was dumbfounded.
"I do it for my own safety and for that of the general populace," Snape retorted coldly.
Just then a light knock sounded at the door. When Remus opened it an elderly woman slipped into the building, tripping on the threshold. Remus caught her and helped her regain her balance.
"Thanks, sonny."
She wore a conservative, high-necked dress and carried a large purse. A little purple hat was perched jauntily on her tight grey curls. Though he didn't recall seeing her around town, Remus was certain they'd met before, somewhere.
"May I help you, ma'am?"
"I'm hoping I can help you, sonny." The old lady screwed up her face and suddenly changed into the buxom barmaid they'd met the night before.
"Miss Belle," Remus began, but Snape was one step ahead of him.
"Nymphadora Tonks," he breathed.
Belle blushed. "Wotcher, Snape," she greeted him, a bit sheepishly. Screwing up her face once more, the metamorphmagus transformed before their eyes into the spiky-haired young witch Remus remembered from their days in the Order of the Phoenix. "It all came back to me, this morning," she explained. "All of a sudden I remembered, well, everything. My old life, my career... My friends," she added shyly, holding out a hand. "Remus, can you ever forgive me?"
"Of course." Ignoring her outstretched hand, Remus pulled her into a hug.
After a moment, she broke away and turned to Snape. He folded his arms and regarded her with his old familiar scowl. Tonks looked hurt for a second, but recovered quickly. "Well, if we're going to save Potterville from the Malfoys in less than twenty-four hours, we need to get going," she said briskly. "What's our next move?"
"That's obvious," Snape said. "We need to know exactly when Lucius Malfoy plans to launch his attack. With your disguise capabilities and auror training, you and Lupin should have no difficulty infiltrating his organization and obtaining that information. Or do you prefer to simply dawdle about until the town has been laid to waste?" he said waspishly when Remus and Tonks stood gaping at him.
Remus recovered first. "Come on, Tonks, we've been dismissed."
"I don't need a brick wall to fall on my head to know when my company's not wanted," Tonks agreed. She flounced out with Remus right behind her.
——————
Soon the reunited friends were hidden behind an outcrop of rocks, looking down on Lucius Malfoy's recruiting station. A long line of murderous desperadoes was waiting to be interviewed. Malfoy senior sat at a small folding card table, flanked by Draco and Lyle. As Remus and Tonks watched, a filthy, vicious-looking cowboy stepped up to the front of the line.
"Qualifications?" asked Lucius.
"Rape, murder, arson, and rape," said the cowpoke.
Lucius frowned. "You said rape twice."
"I like rape."
"You're hired!"
The next applicant's stubbled jaw worked up and down as he approached the table. Lucius gestured to Draco, who stepped forward, holding out his hand. "Go on, cough it up," Draco demanded.
The criminal reluctantly obeyed, spitting a sticky pink mass into Draco's upturned palm. "Look at that, Paw."
"Bubblegum," Lucius sneered. "Well, I certainly hope you brought enough for everyone, hmm?"
The gum-chewer shuffled his feet guiltily. "I didn't know there was a-gonna be so many," he muttered.
Lucius gestured again and Draco drew his gun and shot the man dead.
"Darn, he's strict!" Tonks whispered. "Even Snape never did more than give detention for chewing gum."
"We have to get closer and find out the plan of attack," Remus whispered back.
Tonks wrinkled her nose and morphed into Belle the buxom barmaid. Before he could protest, she stood up and waved cheerily at the queue of desperadoes. "Yoo-hoo, boys! Wanna show a girl a good time?"
A robed Death Eater at the back nudged his companion. Belle hiked her skirt up a little higher and smiled seductively. They scrambled up the rocks. "Stupefy!" A short time later, dressed in the Death Eaters robes and masks, Tonks and Remus joined the line.
"Qualifications?" Malfoy asked them when they reached the front.
"Stampeding cattle," Remus improvised. Beside him, Tonks nodded.
"That isn't much of a crime."
"Through the Vatican?" asked Tonks.
Malfoy smiled. "Kinky," he said approvingly. "Sign here. We will attack Potterville at midnight tomorrow," he told them. "Here are your official badges."
"Badges?" Tonks sneered, "we don't need no stinkin' badges!" Before Malfoy could react, she disapparated. Remus hastily followed suit.