Disclaimer: All of the funny lines are from Blazing Saddles.
Chapter 8, The Best Laid Plans: In which Tonks performs her own version of the toll-booth scene and Hermione does the classic swish and flick.
Tonks apparated back to the sheriff's office, where she narrowly avoided falling headlong into the massive cauldron Snape had set up in the center of the floor. Snape caught her in his arms.
Remus chose that moment to appear with a loud pop. Tonks and Snape jumped apart, both looking extremely guilty, in Remus' opinion.
"The wolfsbane potion will be ready by tomorrow morning," Snape said in his usual cold, sneering tones.
"That's great, thank you, Snape. Now we just need to free the convicts—"
"We can help with that," Hermione interrupted from the doorway. The crowd of House Elves around her knees nodded enthusiastically.
"I'll take all the help I can get," Remus smiled at them. "Perhaps Tonks could stay here and assist with the potion," he suggested. He suspectd that The Honeydukes Kid and Belle would be able to patch things up and resume their romance, if given a little privacy.
"Help him? I don't think so," Tonks blurted just as the Potions Master snapped,
"Tonks? This is a delicate potion, Lupin, do you want to see it utterly ruined?"
"Forget I mentioned it," Remus said. "In that case, Tonks, would you please spread the word? I want you to invite everyone in Potterville to a town meeting first thing tomorrow morning."
"Gladly, Remus. You're a true gentleman, unlike some people I know!" Tonks stormed out of the office. Snape huffed and returned to stirring the wolfsbane with a scowl darkening his features.
"I guess I was wrong about those two," Remus muttered once he and Hermione were on their way back to the railroad camp. "They obviously loathe one another."
"Oh, Professor Lupin, you know your Defense Against the Dark Arts, I'll give you that," Hermione said, "but when it comes to matters of the heart, you haven't got a clue!"
"That's your area of expertise, Miss Granger."
——————
The first light of dawn found the entire village packed into the church for the town meeting. The Reverend Percy Weasley gave Remus a sour look as he relinquished his pulpit. "Just remember, werewolf, this is a house of worship. No howling, or, or... other shenanigans," he warned.
"I'll try to control myself," Remus said wryly. He took a deep breath to compose himself and addressed the crowd. "Lucius Malfoy's army of evildoers will attack Potterville tonight at midnight," he announced.
The citizens cried out in dismay. "Well, we aren't going to be here to get slaughtered," Bill shouted.
"You're right," Remus said, raising his voice to be heard over the uproar. "Because they won't even reach the real town of Potterville. We're going to build a decoy, a perfect replica of Potterville, three miles due east of here!"
"I get it!" Ginny leaped to her feet. "And when those bad guys come a-ridin' in to bust up the fake town..."
"...We blow 'em to kingdom come," Fred and George crowed. "Great idea, sheriff!"
"Now, now, wait a minute, everybody." Arthur was shaking his head. "It would be a great plan, if we had more time. There's no way we can build an exact copy of our town in just one day."
Remus watched their faces fall as this fact registered. Then he signaled to Snape to open the church doors. Hermione strode down the aisle, head held high, followed by the House Elves and the freed convicts.
"Warlocks and centaurs and hags, oh my!" squeaked Percy.
"You can do it, if you'll accept these folks' help," Remus said. "All they ask in return is a little land of their own to homestead, and to be treated with dignity and respect."
The Weasleys and their friends muttered among themselves as the rag-tag crowd of magical misfits watched anxiously. "All right," Arthur said grudgingly. "We'll give some land to the House Elves, centaurs, hags, and warlocks..." He glared at Remus. "But we don't want the werewolves!"
The little church seemed to erupt as both sides shouted. "You'll take all of us together, or none of us at all," shrieked Hermione.
"Never!" cried Molly Weasley.
Dean Thomas stood silent, lost in thought. Suddenly he shouldered his way through the crowd to the Weasley matriarch. She recoiled from the young werewolf with a look of horror, but he spoke gently. "I'm so sorry about your loss, ma'am. Ron was a good friend of mine, back at Hogwarts."
"He's remembered," Remus whispered. "He's finally remembered!" Looking around, he could see the same realization dawning on the faces of Ron's family.
"I don't know why I lived through the werewolf attacks, and Ron didn't," Dean went on. Around him, the church fell quiet. "I do know, ma'am, that if Ron had survived the bite and become a werewolf like me, he'd want pretty much the same things we all want... To be reunited with his family, and to just live in peace."
Molly and Arthur's eyes were filled with tears. "I think it's time to forgive and forget," Arthur murmured.
"Not forget," Molly said. "Never forget... But it is time to move on." She grabbed Dean and hugged him fiercely. "Oh, you poor boy! Of course you can stay."
"You can all stay," Arthur cried.
"Well, I think it's a bad idea—" Percy began.
"Stow it, Perce," said Fred, as George stuffed a Canary Cream into his mouth.
"Tweet," said Percy.
Everyone else cheered.
——————
"Come on, Professor, the wolfsbane potion's finally ready," Ginny called out. She handed Remus an old cowboy boot. It was the portkey they'd set up between the building site for the decoy town and the real town of Potterville three miles away.
Remus took hold of the portkey and moments later joined the line of werewolves on the wooden sidewalk outside the sheriff's office. Peering over the other's shoulders, he saw that Hermione was passing out cups of the wolfsbane potion as Snape ladled it from the cauldron. Remus smiled to himself, thinking how well things were going so far. Rapid progress was being made on the duplicate of Potterville, and even better, everyone was working together as a team. Remus was optimistic that they'd be able to pull off his latest plan without his active leadership. Once the sun went down, he would transform into a wolf and be unable to communicate. At least I won't pose a danger to anyone, he thought.
"Come on, lads, drinks are on the house." Fred and George Weasley were calling the lycanthropes over to the saloon to wash down the foul-tasting wolfsbane potion before heading back to work.
Remus realized that he was the last one to be served. He stepped inside the office, only to find Snape in the act of cleaning out the cauldron with a scourgify spell. "Snape! I haven't taken the potion yet," Remus shouted, already knowing with a sinking feeling that he was too late.
"I didn't prepare a dose for you, Lupin. I never had any intention of doing so."
Remus and Hermione both gaped at the Potions Master.
"You thought you had a foolproof plan, didn't you?" he sneered. "I expected better of you, Lupin. Did you learn nothing from your time in the Order of the Phoenix? With even the best-laid plans, something always goes horribly wrong at the last minute. You know that. These people will never be able to defeat Malfoy and his minions without your leadership."
"And how exactly am I supposed to lead anyone, Snape?" Remus clenched his hands in anger. "Thanks to you, I'll not only be trapped in a wolf's body tonight, I'll also have the mind of a wolf. I'll be dangerous, completely out of control!"
Hermione laid a hand on his arm. "I think Professor Snape has something else in mind," she murmured. "The homorphus charm... Am I right?"
Snape smirked. "Ten points to Gryffindor, Miss Granger. You are correct. Lupin needs to remain in human form tonight."
"But that's an incredibly complex spell!"
"Correct again, Miss Granger." Snape's smirk broadened into a smile—the same smile, Remus remembered, that used to cause the average Hogwarts student to lose bladder control. "The homorphus charm is fiendishly difficult," Snape told Hermione, "which is why you shall be the one to cast it."
——————
Lucius Malfoy stood on a giant boulder, looking down on the army he'd assembled. They didn't look like much at first glance, he thought, but never mind. Evil couldn't always be pretty. Lucius ran a hand through his platinum-blond hair and waved his wand, casting the sonorous charm so his voice echoed loudly across the desert. "The time is at hand, my minions," he cried, "for you to ride forth and lay waste to Potterville. Remember, you will only be risking your lives... Whilst I shall be risking my title as ten-time winner of Witch Weekly's annual Sexiest Villain contest."
Shouts of "You're the man," and "Work it, baby," came from the crowd of desperadoes.
He basked in their adulation for a moment, then got back to business. "Raise your right hands and repeat after me..." The cutthroats dutifully raised their hands. Lucius rolled his eyes. "Your other right, Draco."
"Sorry, Paw."
"I," Lucius declaimed,
"I," the bad guys repeated, hands in the air.
"Your name,"
"Your name," they all chorused.
Lucius rolled his eyes again. Schmucks, he thought to himself. Aloud, he continued, "Do pledge allegiance to Lucius Malfoy,"
"Do pledge allegiance to Lucy Malfoy,"
"That's Lucius, dammit!"
The men repeated every word obediently: "That's Lucius, dammit!"
Lucius sighed. "And to the evil for which he stands," he concluded.
"And to the evil for which he stands!" the makeshift army roared.
Overcome with emotion, the senior Malfoy launched a Dark Mark into the cloudless blue sky. "Now go do that voodoo that you do!" he screamed.
——————
"It's finished," Remus announced from the top of a bluff overlooking the fake town. He beamed with pride. They'd all pulled together and really done it. "It's a perfect replica of Potterville." Everyone cheered.
"There's just one problem," said Bill, looking down at the town.
"What?" asked Fred.
"It's perfect, right down to the hitching post in front of our saloon," George argued.
"People," Remus groaned. "We forgot the people!"
"It looks like a ghost town," Bill agreed. "Malfoy's gang is sure to notice. This ruins everything."
"No it doesn't," Remus reassured them all. "We're way ahead of schedule. We just have to create perfect replicas of the townsfolk before midnight."
"Hoo-ah!" came a shout from the distance. Moments later Mundungus Fletcher came riding up on a vintage Oakshaft '72 broomstick. The old prospector had been on guard duty. "Conflabbit, the Dark Mark has been launched. An' I just saw an army of sidewinders an' hornswagglers meetin' up out at the ol' Botts farm," he shouted, jumping off his broom.
"Apparently Malfoy has moved the timing of the attack up to sunset, rather than midnight," said Snape. "I told you, Lupin, the best-laid plans..."
"We need a delaying tactic," Remus said, "and fast."
Hermione grinned. "I know just the thing, if Tonks is willing to try it?" She leaned over and whispered in the spiky-haired witch's ear.
Tonks burst out laughing. "I'll do it!"
——————
The army of black-hatted thugs thundered across the desert in a cloud of dust. Draco squinted ahead. "What in tarnation is that?" he yelled as a green and silver striped cabana came into view.
Inside the tent, Remus filled the tub he'd just conjured with gallons of frothy pink bubbles. "Your bath awaits, Miss Tonks... or should I say, Mr. Malfoy?"
Tonks scrunched up her face in concentration. Within seconds, she'd transformed into Lucius Malfoy's identical twin, right down to the haughty expression and gleaming blond hair. "You'd better get on back to town, Remus. The sun will be setting soon."
Remus nodded, looking nervous now that he'd been reminded of the inevitable approach of the full moon. Would Hermione be able to cast the homorphus charm? He managed a smile and a wave at Tonks, then disapparated with a loud pop.
Tonks, now disguised as Malfoy, rolled her eyes. "I thought he'd never leave," she muttered as she pulled off her clothes. "I don't want anyone to see me naked, not in Lucius Malfoy's body... eew!" With a splash, the metamorphmagus hopped into the tub and buried herself up to the neck in the suds.
——————
"Just try to relax, Remus," Hermione said, "Just another few minutes until moon rise."
Snape and Remus exchanged a look. Hermione's face was pale as she paced back and forth across the sheriff's office. "I think both of us need to relax," Remus told her with a smile.
"But if I fail to cast the charm correctly and you transform, you could be left as a wolf, permanently!"
"You won't fail, Hermione," Remus said with confidence. I really hope you don't fail, he thought to himself.
Snape just flexed his fingers as he stood waiting for the moon to rise. His gun belt was buckled around his waist. "Never fear, Lupin," he said softly. "If you do transform into a wolf, I promise you that your suffering will be brief and your death, quick and humane."
"Thank you," Remus said dryly. A moment later, he winced and doubled over in pain. "The transformation is starting," he gasped.
Hermione performed a complicated, swishy gesture ending with a flick of her wand. "Homorphus!" she cried.
There was a brief, agonizing surge of pain as the magic surrounded him. Then Remus stood upright again, staring down at himself in wonder and delight. He was still human! He grabbed Hermione in a quick hug.
"Don't waste time, Lupin, you've got an army to defeat... Or have you forgetten?" Snape's sneer was very convincing, but he couldn't quite hide a smile.
"Let's go whomp some bad guys," Remus said with a grin. He held out an arm to Hermione. "Ladies first."
There were three loud pops, and the sheriff's office stood deserted under the rising moon.
——————
The army of evil galloped up to the cabana and reined in. "Hold up, boys, I'm a-gonna see what's goin' on here," Draco ordered. He gestured to Lyle and the two cautiously entered the green and silver striped tent.
Tonks, disguised as Lucius Malfoy, greeted them haughtily from the bathtub. "There you are, Draco, finally! What took you so long?"
"Paw?" Draco scratched his head, puzzled. "What you doin' way out here in th' middle o' nowhere, Paw?"
"I wanted to freshen up a bit before witnessing the glorious defeat of my enemies," Tonks replied.
"Whatever you want, Paw."
"Precisely," shouted Tonks, "and what I want right now is my snakey! Go get my snakey, Draco!"
"But Paw, you said we was a-gonna attack Potterville at sundown," Draco whined.
Tonks beat her fists against the water, splashing pink bubbles all over the younger Malfoy and his sidekick. "Daddy wants snakey! Daddy wants snakey," she bellowed.
"All right, all right, don't go gettin' your longjohns in a knot," Draco said hastily. He and Lyle backed out of the tent. Draco pulled out his six-shooter and pistol whipped Lyle just to make himself feel better. "Gol-darnit, we cain't attack th' town until we go back and get Paw's snakey. Well, don't just sit there," he snarled at the desperadoes. "Paw wants his snakey! Let's ride."
Laughing hysterically, Tonks watched them ride away. Then she wrinkled up her nose and morphed back into her own natural form.