Disclaimer: All of the funny lines are from Blazing Saddles. Song lines are from Buddy Bizarre's musical from the movie Blazing Saddles.
Chapter 9, The French Mistake: In which the forces of good and pure and right triumph over evil, and evil gets a taste of the bizarre... Buddy Bizarre, that is, as played by Dolores Umbridge.
The citizens of Potterville and their allies gathered on the hilltop above the duplicate of their town, waiting and watching with anxious eyes. Below, the warm, cheery glow of lamplight showed from the windows of the empty shells of the replica buildings. Music could be heard from inside Fred and George Weasley's saloon. The fake town was perfect in every detail. Remus walked among the defenders, offering a quiet word of reassurance or encouragement wherever it seemed needed. Mongo followed loyally at his heels. He paused next to Severus Snape. "Amazing, isn't it?" he asked, gesturing to the unlikely group of allies half-hidden among the rocks. Only a few feet away, Ginny Weasley stood next to Dean Thomas, idly scratching between the werewolf's ears as they waited for the attack to be launched. "Two days ago, they were enemies, and now, they're fighting for a chance for a new life."
"If I am correct, Lupin, we shall all be fighting for a great deal more than a few acres of praire land to homestead."
"What do you mean?"
In the moonlight, Snape's fathomless eyes were as inscrutable as ever. "Be prepared for anything," he said.
Suddenly, a green glow lit up the sky above the decoy town. The skull and snake blazed in the air. "It's started," Remus called softly. "Stay calm, everyone. Fred, George, you know what to do."
——————
Draco led his army through the streets, whooping and hollering, shooting out windows and blowing up signboards and outhouses with the reductor curse. An enthusiastic incendio spell set the village church on fire. Caught up in the joy of destruction, the desperadoes were slow to realize that their antics weren't getting much notice from the citizens. Instead of screams of terror and cries for help, the streets were silent except for the player piano in the saloon, which continued to tinkle out a jaunty burlesque tune.
The music stopped abruptly as two of the thugs burst through the swinging doors and shot the piano player in the head. The body slumped sideways, looking more like a pile of junk than a human corpse. Intent on the two females lounging at the bar, the rustlers didn't give the murder victim a second glance.
"Hey, baby, lookin' for a good time?"
Mimi von Karkaroff smiled a painted-on smile at the rustler. She didn't say no.
"How's about a little..." the second whispered into the buxom barmaid's ear.
Belle likewise said not a word in protest as the thug pulled her roughly into his arms.
Outside in the street, Lyle caught sight of Arabella Figg. With a shout, he fell upon the old woman, beating the stuffing out of her... Literally. Straw began to fly. "Boss! Hey, boss, these people is all dummies!"
"O' course they are," Draco drawled. "How do you think Governor Umbridge got elected?"
"No, boss, I mean, they're real dummies. Look!"
Draco looked in the direction Lyle was pointing. "Why, it's that low-down, yellow-bellied sheriff!" Remus Lupin smiled and waved, his tin star glinting in the moonlight. "Reach for it, werewolf!" Draco aimed his six-shooter and fired.
Caught up in the excitement, Lyle jumped up and down, cheering. "You shot that varmint's head clean off, boss!"
The headless figure continued to wave genially. Draco stormed over and yanked its arm off in a rage. "It's a dummy, you dummy!"
"Ow!" Lyle cowered as Draco beat him over the head with the fake Remus' wooden arm. "Told ya so," he muttered sullenly.
The army regrouped as word spread. "The town's empty!"
"We been hornswaggled! It's a trick!"
One of the bandits stuck his head into the saloon where the two amorous cattle rustlers had thrown Belle and Mimi onto the bar and were ravishing them enthusiastically. "They're nothin' but a couple o' dummies," he informed them.
"That's all right, we ain't exactly lookin' for intelligent conversation," laughed the first.
"Yeah, we like to date th' stupid ones. They're th' only ones that'll even let us get t' first base," agreed the second.
"No, you fools, look at 'em. They're not even alive!"
"Well, shoot," complained the first, hastily pulling up his pants. "An here I was, thinkin' they was just typical purebloods."
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Up on the hill, the defenders of Potterville watched anxiously, fingers in their ears, as Fred and George both cast incendio on the fuse that was to set off an explosive blast of Weasley's Wildfire Whiz-bangs. Nothing happened.
"The fuse is a dud," Fred cried.
"Didn't we buy that last batch of fuses from old Igor Karkaroff, the snake-oil salesman?" asked George, giving Hermione a dirty look.
"Never mind that now," Hermione said briskly. "Even Draco is bound to notice the dummies soon. Once he does, he'll call a retreat. They'll get away!"
It was true. Already the bad guys' whoops of glee had turned to shouts of confusion and dismay. Remus thought quickly. "Can you shoot the explosives from here?" he asked Snape.
The Honeydukes Kid flexed his fingers. "I can try."
Everyone held their breath as he took aim at the town far below. Moments later a massive blast proved that his shot had been successful. Red, white, and blue fireworks filled the sky, their brightness obscuring the green glow of the Dark Mark. Below in the decoy town, buildings began to fall.
For just a moment, the ground trembled, as though the blast had somehow set off a small earthquake. The moonlit desert landscape around them shimmered like a heat mirage. Everyone staggered and Molly Weasley screamed. Then it was over as suddenly as it had begun.
Remus regained his footing. Remembering Snape's warning to be ready for anything, he gave the gunslinger a sharp look. "What just happened?"
Snape was staring down at the town. "It wasn't enough," he muttered to himself.
"Tell me what's going on."
"No time to explain," Snape said. "We've got to work together... Defeat the army completely."
"You heard him," Remus shouted. "Let's get down there and drive those desperadoes off our land!"
A rapid series of pops followed as witches and wizards took the fastest route to the decoy town. Those who couldn't disapparate began to run down the hill. Soon the battle was joined. Centaurs stampeded down main street. The werewolves howled, terrorizing the desperadoes as they ran among them, snarling and snapping, but careful not to actually bite anyone.
Remus and Snape found themselves fighting back to back, wands drawn. A hail of hexes and counter-hexes blasted all around them, lighting up the night with flashes of red and blue.
Suddenly, Draco Malfoy appeared out of the chaos. He dropped his gun to the ground. "Professor Snape," he cried, "I surrender. Please don't shoot!"
As Snape hesitated, Remus caught sight of the wand in the former Slytherin prefect's hand. "Avada kedav—"
"Expelliarmus," Remus shouted, just as Snape cast his own disarming spell.
Draco and Remus were both flung into the air, their wands torn from their fingers. Remus slammed into the wall of the saloon and slid to the ground. Dazed and hurt, he shook his head to clear it. Had Snape turned traitor?
"Sorry about that, Lupin."
He blinked. Severus Snape was holding out his wand to him. Lucius and Draco Malfoy were both lying in the dust in the middle of the street. Two loud bangs sounded as Tonks and Hermione cast simultaneously, sending magical ropes out of their wands to bind the two villains.
"You saved my life, Snape."
"And you saved mine." Snape clasped Remus' hand and pulled him to his feet. The earth began to shake again, the remaining buildings of the fake Potterville toppling and tumbling to the ground. All around them, defenders and bad guys alike were falling to their knees, unable to maintain their balance as the earthquake, or whatever it was, grew stronger.
Snape sidestepped nimbly and caught Tonks as she stumbled backwards. The world was shifting, swirling like thoughts in a pensieve. Faster and faster it spun, the desert landscape blurring.
Remus felt a sharp tugging sensation behind his navel, as though he'd taken hold of a gigantic portkey. He stifled a scream as he was yanked violently through time and space...
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"Wotcher, Harry?"
"Hermione, good t' see yeh,"
"Why Remus Lupin, and in human form, tonight of all nights! How are you, dear?"
Madam Pomfrey was standing there in her nurse's uniform, complete with cape, starched white cap and apron, smiling at him, waiting for his reply.
"I... I'm fine, I suppose. How did I—"
He blinked at the activity around him. Hagrid was wiping his eyes with a tablecloth-sized handkerchief as Harry Potter and Hermione hugged one another. Tonks was deep in conversation with Kingsley Shacklebolt. All around him, the homesteaders of the New West were being reunited with their friends who had remained behind in Great Britain. Beyond, looking eerie in the light of the full moon, the great standing stones of Stonehenge loomed.
"We're back in our own world!" Remus made his way over to Severus Snape, who was standing alone, a bit removed from the hubbub. "You knew this was going to happen," he accused.
"I suspected, Lupin." Snape's black eyes glimmered. "The New West was an unstable dimension. Its continued existence depended upon the credulity of its inhabitants."
"He means the settlers' continuing belief that they were really residents of the American frontier of the late eighteen-hundreds," Harrry Potter chimed in.
"Harry!" Remus hugged his old friend, delighted to find him healthy and well. Snape greeted his former student with a curt nod.
"How did you do it, Professor Snape? We've been trying to think of a way to free you, but all attempts to access the alternate dimension failed..."
"I realized that Lupin was the key," said Snape. "He had the ability to make others remember—"
"It was all of us, working together," Remus insisted. "The dimension dissolved when we saved one anothers' lives."
Snape nodded, looking thoughtful.
There's just one thing I don't understand," Remus said to Harry once the excitement of the homecoming had died down and they'd returned to the old Order headquarters at Grimmauld Place. "What happened to the villains? I didn't see any of them, back at Stonehenge. Why didn't they return to Great Britain with the rest of us?"
Harry smiled. "Funny thing about alternate dimensions..."
——————
Draco Malfoy sighed heavily and made a last-minute adjustment to his cummerbund. "Is my bowtie straight?"
"Let me fix it for you, darling."
The dancer in line in front of him blew him a kiss as "Quiet on the set!" echoed across the sound stage.
The orchestra struck up a lively tune. Draco sighed again as he took his place at the top of the towering double staircase and began to tapdance down the steps with the rest of the men in tophats and tails.
"Throw out your hands, stick out your tush,
Hands on your hips, give 'em a push,
You'll be surprised, you're doing the French Mistake."
"Voilá!" Draco sang with gusto until Dolohov tripped him. He stumbled down the last few stairs, ending up in the center of the dance floor. Dolohov and Macnair exchanged a high five behind the director's back.
"No, no, no! Cut! Cut," shrieked Dolores Umbridge, waving her director's megaphone in Draco's face. "Wrong, wrong, this is how you do it. Cue the music." Umbridge started to demonstrate the dance steps, but stopped abruptly as the Lestrange Brothers dissolved in a fit of giggles. "Have you got it?" she asked Draco peevishly.
"Yes, ma'am." Draco's voice was sullen.
"Take five, girls," Umbridge shouted.
From a make-up table just off stage, Lucius beckoned to his son. "Draco, Draco," he tutted, "you must learn to take direction. Do you want to remain in the chorus line forever? A bit more powder, I want to look good for my big solo," he told the make-up artist.
"Duet, darling," Narcissa reminded her husband from the next chair. "I do so love to tango!" She frowned at Draco. "Son, what's wrong? Aren't you happy here in Hollywood?"
"I'm sorry, Mother. It's just that..."
"Tell me, darling."
"Sometimes, I get the urge to wear chaps," Draco confided, blushing, "and a cowboy hat and boots and a bolo tie!"
"Splendid, splendid!" Lucius enthused. He smoothed his platinum blond locks. "We could work up a new act...You be a cowboy, and I shall be an Indian chief."
"And I shall dress up as a motorcycle cop, and your Auntie Bellatrix as... A construction worker," Narcissa enthused. "We'll be a sensation!"
"Great," Draco muttered sarcastically.
"Quiet on the set," Umbridge shouted through her megaphone. "Places, everyone... Take fifty-six!"
——————
Severus Snape slipped into a quiet corner and muttered a concealment charm. The Ministry reception was crowded with every dignitary in the wizarding world, it seemed. Absently, he buffed an imaginary speck of dust off the gleaming gold medal pinned to his black dress robes. He had to admit, it had been a thrill to finally receive the Order of Merlin for his work during the war... and a relief to have his name cleared. But the endless ceremony and the party afterward had started to give him a headache, and his hand actually throbbed from so many well-wishers shaking it.
Snape glanced across the room to where Lupin was surrounded by a gaggle of admirers, including the famous Harry Potter. He wouldn't be missed if he left early. No one would even notice his absence. With a pop, he disapparated.
Diagon Alley was quiet and nearly deserted, a welcome relief after the crowded and stuffy hall. Snape strolled down the street, not entirely certain where he would go next. No deadly spying missions... No students to teach... No gunfights, either, Snape thought dryly. This new life would take some getting used to.
He noticed a lone figure sitting at a table outside Florean Fortescue's ice cream parlor, and hid a smile. So he wasn't the only one who had skived off the tedious reception. The smile turned to a frown; if he continued on his present course, he would pass right by her. Snape considered ducking into a nearby alley, then shrugged and kept walking.
"Where you headed, cowboy?" she smiled up at him.
"Nowhere special," he said diffidently.
"Nowhere special... I always wanted to go there."
Snape bowed and held out his arm. Tonks stood and took his hand. The setting sun silhouetted them as they walked away.
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Author's notes: Many thanks to redlady27, Silverthreads, excessivelyperky, Anony, duj, Kaori7395, and Kyer for reviewing the work in progress. Your comments and suggestions were greatly appreciated.