-Disclaimer nugget: Don't own Zelda. If I did, though, I'd buy me some happiness (because we all know that's possible). And I'd even give you the toy that comes with it!-
Chapter One: Prelude to Chaos
Link. The cursed name reverberated within the admittedly small confines of Mido's skull, keeping him from peaceful sleep. Hard on its heels came hopeless fantasies of how he could compete with such a...what was the word Saria had used? Badass. Yes, Link was a badass. But how to make his own ass badder? Badder even than Link's? Yes, he thought, yes, if Link is a badass...I must be the worstass! But how?
But as always, before he could even begin on a solution, that horrible name surfaced again, like some vicious sea beast, having already ransacked the small boat that was Mido's self-confidence, doubling back for seconds...and thirds...and fourths...and fifths...
...and one-thousand-five-hundred-seventy-sixths...and one-thousand-five-hundred-seventy-sevenths...until finally, the blessed light peeked into the room from under his door, driving the monster back to the shadowy depths. For now...
With an enormous yawn, Mido rose from his bed.
"Well," came the disturbingly feminine voice of Butch, Mido's fairy, "thomeone didn't get very much thleep latht night, now did he?"
"He never does, Butch. Lay off for once, will ya?"
"Oh, fine. But theriouthly, Mido, if it'th got you that worried, do thomething about it!"
"You don't understand, Butch. I could never compete with the likes of Link. He's got that sword...and that shield...and that sword! All I have is a bunch of mangy treasure chests- which Link raided. How could I ever show Saria how much better I am?"
"Jutht take over the world you thilly goothe!"
Now that was an interesting thought. Everyone knew that women thought power terribly sexy. Would Saria like Link if he didn't have that sword of his? No. No, because he wouldn't be powerful without the sword. He'd be just like Mido was now. Well, Mido thought, if it's power she wants, I'll show her power! Feeling much encouraged and relieved, he rubbed his bleary eyes and began walking toward his dresser. He opened one of the drawers, but quickly closed it in disgust. Green tunics were not the garb of future tyrants!
"Butch!" He snapped in his best imitation of a commanding voice.
"Yeth'm?"
"Don't you yes'm me, dammit! I'm the future ruler of the world! Now go pay a visit to the store and tell them I need something...regal. And I need it delivered. I mustn't be seen in anything resembling peasant clothing."
"Yeth, my liege. Ath you command."
"That's better. Dear Goddesses," he sighed as the effeminate Butch flew out the window, "some fairies just have no respect for their superiors. I'll have to ask the Deku tree about the policy on fairy transfer and get myself a competent one. Dear me, and I must stop all this talking to myself business. Can't go accidentally leaking my aspirations of lordship and dominion all over the forest, now can I? No siree, I sure can't. And it would definitely be best if I just stop talking to myself. It's a sign of insanity anyway, right? I think it is, but I'm not really sure. I should find out, so that I can appear more omniscient once I am Lord and Master of all I survey..."
Mido was startled out of his rather pathetic reverie by a knock at the door. Deciding that if he were to become the Emperor of Hyrule he should start behaving as such, His Future Imperial Majesty strode magestically toward the door, still in his royal one-piece imperial pajamas with imperial hamster feet. Deigning magnanimously to open the door, he was confronted by the miraculously straight face of his adversary, Link.
"What," he demanded in his most royal tone, "do you want?"
"Ah, well...ahem." Here the young hero paused to compose himself, as his brain was trying furiously to make him die of laughter. "I just thought you might like to know that I'm leaving the forest. Oh, and the Great Deku Tree just died."
"WHAT?"
"Hey, don't look at me like that. It was some evil guy that killed him, not me. Anyway, I'll catch you later bro. The Deku Tree told me to go see some Princess of Destiny before he bit the bullet. Sounds hot, doesn't she?" And with that, the cursed Link made his exit.
Mido closed his imperial door with what he hoped was a royal flick of his wrist. The nerve of that...that swine! Mido thought. How dare he...how dare he...erm...HOW DARE HE EXIST? he concluded, finding his nemesis guilty of no other crime. And with that he began to imagine the horrible things he would do to Link when he was ruler of the world.
Just then, there was another loud knock at the door. Upset at being disturbed from his daydream, Mido threw open the door, forgetting both his royal demeanor and that he was still in his comical sleepwear. "What?" he snarled.
"Hey...um, Link sent me over. Said there was something I should see. Did I...come at a bad time?" The offending party glanced meaningfully downward.
Mido followed his visitor's eyes to his rodent-clad feet. "In a word," he began, "YES!" And so saying, he slammed the door in poor Saria's face. His mood was helped not at all by the sound of her piercing laughter retreating rather too slowly for his liking from his humble abode. Fuming, he sat down at the foot of his bed.
"They'll see," he sniffed. "I'll show them all. I will have dominion over you all, worms!"
Okay, that horrible long paragraph with Mido talking to himself is mostly gone. I think the replacement for it is much better. Now, please leave a review for me before you move on to the lovely chapter two.