Apologies to all Americans.
Disclaimer: Just a small note... I don't own the Malfoy figuring in this parody. J. K. Rowling does. And, as you know, I don't own CATS either.
The Account of Nituna and Her Human
Some stories begin with "Once upon a time..." Others with the words "A long time ago, in a land far, far away..." This story doesn't begin like that. For one, it would be giving out faulty information, and I don't "do" that. This is how this story starts.
Not that very long ago, in a junkyard that wasn't very different from the ones you might have rather close by to your home, lived a very handsome silver tomcat named Munkustrap. He was kind, charming, polite, well-mannered and an all-around good guy. Unfortunately, he had fallen in love with someone who was not, shall we say, as wonderful as he was. Her name was Demeter. Once she had been beautiful, but her beauty had faded and she was now a tattered and washed-up old queen despite the fact that she was actually a few months younger than Munkustrap was himself. Demeter was a shallow, manipulative whore who cared for nothing but money and power, and she had been using poor Munkustrap as a pawn in her evil schemes to take over the Jellicle junkyard.
Oh, and she was cheating on him with Macavity too. And Alonzo. And the Rum Tum Tugger. And Gus the Theatre Cat.
Despite all this, Munkustrap did love her very much. And now, as he watched the remnants of what she had left behind as she walked out on him in a fit of jealous rage because he had dared smiling at Bombalurina, his heart did bleed with sorrow.
How could she do this to me? He lamented, his blazing green eyes filled with tears. She was my everything! I loved her more than life itself! Oh, I would do anything to get her back! My beloved Demeter... He couldn't lead the tribe without her. He could do nothing without her. She had been his muse, his lover, his dearest friend, his everything!
Munkustrap sobbed hysterically, not caring if anyone saw him. How could she do this? How could she just pack her things (well, not literally pack her things, she was a cat after all and packing things was a bit hard when you lacked opposable thumbs) after all they'd been through?
The grey tabby was so busy mourning his loss that he did not notice that he was being watched. Perhaps he would have, if he had been fully in charge of his own mind at the time. But he wasn't, and he wouldn't be for a while. It was sad, but true.
His watcher was a young queen with the most peculiar fur. It was a lovely pale lavender, silky smooth and without even a single tangle. Her tail was long and perfectly curved, and it was a funky bubblegum pink. Since she had always looked like this, she had been bullied very much and was extremely shy about it, but her kind heart always bled for strange toms that she found crying in alleys. Oddly enough, her stumbling across those weren't as unusual as you might think.
The queen's name was Nituna. That was it. She had no last name, even though her human Darlene had once called her "nightingale" since her voice was simply beyond comparison.
Slowly Nituna walked up to the crying tom. She stood silent for a moment or two before bringing up the courage to speak with him.
"Why are you crying?" she asked in her sweetest tone.
Munkustrap looked up at her. For a moment, pure terror gleamed in his green eyes behind the tears, but then they glazed over and he smiled tragically.
"Oh, it is nothing," he said. "It is but so that I have lost my one true love, she left me and is not coming back!"
He looked ready to burst into a lament. Nituna's eyes widened.
"How terrible for you!" she exclaimed. "Was she really that special to you?"
Munkustrap paused. Of course Demeter had been special to him! He had just had this inner monologue about how she was his everything and stuff! He and Demeter had been an item forever, they had always been together, inseparable. But when he thought about it... Hadn't she been unnecessarily clingy all the time? Before she changed and became so horrible to him, hadn't he sometimes thought that she was being too needy and paranoid with her consistent squealing about Macavity? Hadn't she LEFT him?
He looked into Nituna's enchanting eyes. They were purple. How peculiar, and how... original.
"Perhaps she wasn't so special after all," he mumbled.
Nituna smiled.
"'It is but so?'" The voice sounded both critical and amused. "Are there really people that speaks like that?"
"I don't know, Gecks," said the other voice. "There must be. But one thing is for certain, and that is that Munkustrap does NOT speak like that."
"I knew that."
"I know you knew that."
"I know you know I knew that."
"I'm not playing this game with you, Gecks."
The first voice sighed. "Fine. But I'm BORED. When do we..."
"You already know. When she starts getting on our nerves."
"But she's already getting on my nerves!"
"That's because your nerves are so SENSITIVE, sister dear. But I agree. What gets to me the most is her fur. Which one of her ancestors shagged a My Little Pony? Honestly, wouldn't that look much better as a rug in our room back at OFUC?"
The owner of the first voice thought about it. "Absolutely. We could gauge those eyes out and use them for marbles."
"A good idea. But until then, sit down and watch instead."
"Do I have to like it?"
"No."
"Then fine."
Munkustrap was a bit confused. He had a feeling he'd lost someone important, but couldn't quite put his paw on whom. A small voice inside his head screamed a name, but he wasn't able to decipher it.
"So," he said to Nituna, who sat in front of him, delicately eating a piece of mouse-cake. "Where are you from?"
The lovely lavender queen smiled sweetly at him. "Oh, well that is a long story," she said. "Actually I'm not English at all. I am from America originally, but my owners had to move here." Her purple eyes got a tender look in them as she spoke of her family.
"That wasn't a very long story... She lied to us!"
"I am hurt! To the core!"
"Do you want to tell me about your family?" asked Munkustrap interestedly.
Nituna perked up. "Okay! Well, first there is my mistress, and she is real pretty because she has natural pink hair just like me. We're like soul mates or something; we know what the other is thinking like THAT. I speak human you know, so we have a very strong connection. She has a boyfriend too, who loves her more than ANYTHING. It's so cute when he grovels before her feet..."
She giggled a little, and a part of Munkustrap wanted to attack her and scratch her eyes out, but that feeling soon disappeared. How could he have thought that about Nituna? Beautiful Nituna... Pretty Nituna... Who had such lovely eyes and such an original colour on her silky fur...
"Oh great, a Sue with a Sue for a mistress... We have to kill her too, you know."
"Smashing. Just wake me up when she stops yapping about her oh-so-special family."
Munkustrap shook himself out of his reverie and asked: "So what are you doing in this junkyard? Shouldn't you be at home?"
Nituna looked sad. "Yes, I should be. But you see, I went out for a short walk, and now I am lost. Do you think you could help me find my way?"
"Oh, of course!" Munkustrap smiled reassuringly. "We have magical cats in my tribe, they would certainly help you. Why don't you just come with me, it's not far."
"Here we go again... You know, I can't take another one of those 'Sue meets the Jellicles' scene. Can't we skip it?"
A pause. "You know the SO frowns on skipping parts of the story, Gecks."
"The SO frowns on a lot of things... Come on! Let it be an early birthday present."
"Tell you what, we compromise. We miss the first half, with the whole 'ohh, ahh, you are so pretty like OMG!' bit, and go straight for the introduction of Mistoffelees."
"You just want to look at him adoringly, don't you?"
"Maybe."
A sigh. "Fine."
Nituna had, gorgeous as she was, made a success at the junkyard. Everyone loved her right away because she was so nice, and she was also remarkably capable of making conversation with any Jellicle about any subject. She talked with the kittens about toms and giggled with them, as if she was one of them, but she could also chat with Jennyanydots and Jellylorum about knitting and with the Rum Tum Tugger about the proper way to manage your fur. She discussed lunch recipes with Bustopher Jones for a good half hour before Munkustrap could drag her away to see Mistoffelees.
The handsome tuxedo cat lay napping on top a rusty car, but he woke up immediately when he noticed Munkustrap and Nituna approaching. He smiled.
"Good afternoon, Munkustrap," he said, nodding. "Who is your friend?"
"This is Nituna," said Munkustrap and couldn't help but smiling a little goofily. "She has gotten from her family and can't find her way back. Do you know a magic trick that might help?"
Mistoffelees paused and thought about it. "I might. But it might take a while. The moon had to be in the right phase... I must consult with the Twins... Collect herbs..."
"Oh, what a load of crap! We all know it's just an explanation for keeping this stinkin' Sue around the junkyard for a while! Oh Misto, my darling Misto, what have she done to you? You are... a matchmaker!" The voice died out in a complaining wail and the owner of it threw her arms around her companion's neck, sobbing against her shoulder.
"Er... there, there?"
Nituna frowned and looked around. Munkustrap gazed at her adoringly.
'She's so beautiful, even when she looks confused,' he thought, and his heart swelled when he remembered that she would have to stay for a while until Mistoffelees had prepared himself for his magic. 'She's so different from anyone I've met...'
"Is there anything wrong?" he asked gently.
The lavender queen looked up. "What? Oh no, there's nothing, I just thought I heard something. It sounded like crying."
Munkustrap shrugged. "I heard nothing."
"Neither did I," said Mistoffelees.
"He should have! He hears everything!"
"Then it was probably nothing important," smiled Nituna.
The grey tabby offered her his arm. "What do you say we go and have a bite to eat? I know a lovely little place where you can get meatballs and spaghetti for free, and people will play the banjo and accordion while you eat."
Nituna's eyes sparkled. "Oh Munksie, that sounds lovely!"
Suddenly everything stopped. Munkustrap's eyes glazed over, and his body froze in the position of taking Nituna's arm. The Sue herself tensed a moment, slowed down before stopping completely. Even Mistoffelees became still. Only two figures at the junkyard moved.
Out of the shadows strutted a black queen with a white patch in the shape of a cactus on her right arm. By her side hung a toasting fork on a brown leather sheath, but that was all that was strange about her. Behind her came another black cat, although shorter and carrying a carving knife. The second queen had a grim expression on her furry face.
"What did you do, Ekwy?" she asked the first cat.
"I pressed the pause button," answered Ekwy truthfully and held up her Portal Generator. "We need to figure something out before we continue."
"I didn't know we had a pause button on that thing!"
"Well, we do. Now. My question is this: Do we continue following the tuna here," she gestured towards the frozen Nituna, "or do we go away for a while and kill her mistress?"
Gecka thought about it. "Well, I'd say we go for the mistress. I haven't killed a human in a long while. Except that student the other day. But she doesn't count." She smiled rather unpleasantly.
"Of course not. Or we could split up, I can go and take care of the human and you can finish it here..."
"No way! I'm not missing any of these deaths!"
Ekwy chuckled. "Very well, then. We can probably start things up again and leave them like this. The only thing we'll miss is Nituna's and Munkustrap's romantic dinner, which is clearly a rip-off from that scene in The Lady and the Tramp, and exists only to make our tribe Protector make googly eyes at the Sue. It's vomit-inducingly sweet and makes me want to heave."
"Okely-dokely. Then do that thing you do and get us out of here."
A moment later Munkustrap and Nituna where left alone, and behind the dumpster, a portal winked out of existence.
The stairs were dark, but the spooky, blue light of the portal illuminated it somewhat. A hand fumbled after the glowing red button that would light the lamps and pressed it.
"There," said Ekwy. "Much better. Hey look, we're human!"
She looked at her hand as if she had never seen it before.
"Of course we're human, you nitwit," sighed Gecka. "It would look weird for a pair of giant cats standing in a hallway, now wouldn't it?"
"True. I just haven't had human form on a mission for so long..."
Her voice faded as she took in the place they were currently in.
"Whoa..."
A chandelier hung from the ceiling high above them, casting its bright light over a magnificent red carpet so thick that the PPC Agents sunk into it to their ankles. The walls were a creamy white colour, and costly paintings and other artefacts were placed everywhere. Immediately, Ekwy got the overwhelming urge to break them.
The Agents in their black uniforms did look extremely out of place in a room such as this. Gecka tugged at her shirt uncomfortably.
"I really wish we had a gun," she said. "It would be the proper way to do this. Running her through with a carving knife really isn't the same." She sighed. "Ah well. We'll manage."
Ekwy, who had been looking at a blue vase on a pedestal and wondered if it would make a funny sound if it crashed on the floor, looked up and blinked. "Huh?"
"Stop looking at the breakables, Eks. We have a job to do."
Ekwy pouted. "Fine."
She tried to brush off the dirt from her shirt in a vain attempt to look presentable and went up to the cherry-tree door. She read the name on the mahogany sign: "Fieldflower-Malfoy?" She frowned and turned her head to her sister. "You think this is a Harry Potter crossover?"
"It might." Gecka shivered. "If that's the case then I do pity poor Draco. Knock on the door."
Ekwy did. They waited patiently until a person dressed in a black dress with a white apron opened the door.
"Yes?" she requested. "May I help you?"
"Yes, hello," said Ekwy and grinned. "We're here to kill your mistress. Is she around?"
The maid stood blinking for a moment. As a bit character, she was not too bright.
"My mistress is here," she said finally. "Do you wish to come in, or shall I get her to the door?"
"Ohh, we'll come in!" chirped Ekwy and clapped her hands. "This house is so pretty!"
"Thank you," said the maid. She seemed confused by the entire situation. "I clean it a lot. Though my mistress is a very neat person... She never makes a mess."
"I can imagine," muttered Gecka as she and her sister brushed by her into the apartment.
The Fieldflower-Malfoy residence was if possible even more gaudy than the hallway. The first room the Agents stepped into was decorated in various shades of green. The walls were a mint colour, with specks of silver here and there. When you looked closed at them you could see that the specks were in the shape of slithering serpents. That pattern showed up a lot in this room; the feet of the lamps were silver snakes with brilliant green emeralds for eyes, and the legs of the furniture were similarly shaped.
"Yikes," mumbled Ekwy. "This must be the tackiest room I've ever been in." She looked at the maid. "Where's your mistress?"
"In the Pink Study. Shall I call her for you?"
"Please do."
"Just don't tell her what we're here for!" Gecka called out after the maid as she disappeared up the stairs.
The Agents bounced down on a green couch and put their feet up on the green coffee table. To get dirt on the spotless glass surface felt remarkably good.
"So," said Ekwy after a few moments of silence," have you seen any good movies lately?"