-----
The greatest of assassins lay quietly in his quarters, staring up at the ceiling. He'd hardly slept that night, not that sleep meant a great deal to Loki. He had stayed up thinking most of the night, and he had woken up early. He had not decided what it was he felt. Loki couldn't think of any word that could describe his situation. He paced around his room, in it nothing but a chamber pot, bed, a dresser, and a mirror on the wall. He stepped out onto his balcony, blinking into the morning sunlight. He stared at the arid sand dunes that stretched on for miles. His mind conjured up the image of Fenris, superimposed it on the dunes. He made a slight noise and turned sharply around. Let me be woman! Loki sat on the foot of his bed, head down, hair clutched in his hands. Why can't I just forget you? He looked up and found himself facing the mirror. He stood and walked over to it. He'd never given it much thought before, he'd never noticed the mirror on his wall before. Come to think of it, had it been there before? He couldn't remember, perhaps it had been added in while he was away. Or perhaps he'd never taken the time to look at things how they were.
Loki stopped three paces in front of the mirror. An unfamiliar man stared back at him, his gaze hauntingly blank. Do you really see a friend when you look at me Fenris? All I see is a stranger. He felt something prickle within him, a slight note of anger or frustration. He couldn't see it reflected in his eyes, or if he did he didn't understand, enraging him further. His frown deepened and he punched the mirror, silver splinters of glass falling to the floor, breaking further. One swinging shard was left on the wire, he glared at it and struck it down too. He turned around sharply and exited his room, suddenly feeling claustrophobic.
He encountered no one, and snuck his way outside, easily avoiding the detection of the guards. He suddenly wondered why he should feel the need to sneak around his fellow assassins. It wasn't likely that they would have stopped him. Even if they had tried he could have easily taken care of them, he'd already observed a training session of the new recruits they posed no threat to Loki. Still somehow he didn't want to come into contact with them, perhaps it was due to his own distrusting nature, or his anti-socialism, or perhaps it was they who were the outsiders instead of Loki. He shrugged and pushed it from his mind. He had other matters to think about. A council member...hah! I know what is expected of me. I am to nod politely and say 'Yes of course I will accept.' He dreaded the prospect. Additional duties, responsibilities, and eventually less missions. Mustafa may be old enough to consider council-ship, but Taulin, Hajatu, Ibrahm, and I? Loki shook his head staring at his feet as they padded through the sand, Ridiculous why do they not just gather council elders from elsewhere? Unless...perhaps they wanted to become council members... Loki paused and frowned, he couldn't imagine Ibrahm giving up going out on missions...bloodletting was that man's life. He shook his head again, nothing made sense to him anymore. You have been gone nearly a year, he told himself, perhaps the change is only drastic for you. He nodded to himself, satisfied with that answer. He quickened his pace 'till he was almost gliding across the desert sands.
Some time later, Loki stopped at a favorite place of his, a small oasis. He leaned against a tall thin tree looking up at it, "At least this place has not changed in my absence." He sat down and stretched by the pool of water, dipping his fingers in and rubbing some of the cool liquid on his face, wiping away the sweat and sand. He sighed and lay back on some long grass growing next to the pond. He gazed up at the sky, watching the clouds slowly drift by. He sat there listlessly for awhile, until he thought he saw a pair of eyes gazing down on him. He sat up, peering intently, "Fenris!?" He shook his head, laying back down. Idiot. He cursed himself, get a hold of yourself. He mulled over his earlier thoughts about councilship. For some reason, the taunting words of Skurai surfaced in his mind.
"So little puppet you want to fight me too!" Loki put his hands behind his head, his eyes following the path of a particularly interesting cloud. Am I really just a puppet? I actually say no to the councilship and get away with it? He sighed, do I have no thoughts of my own? He considered, Perhaps not before I met Chaos and the others, but I certainly do to think of it...what did I used to think about before then? His mind came up with nothing but a faint ringing silence in his ears and mind. He was startled by this revelation, how much did they change me? Am I the same person as before? I know I used to think of many things, what they were I can not remember...is it because I have changed? Or did I really used to think of nothing...? He sat up and shook his head. He hated feeling this way, uncertain. He had so many questions, more than he ever remembered having in his life. Loki stared at his reflection in the pond, "Who.. am I? Is it possible that I'm no longer who I was...? Can I really go back to being how I was..? Do I want to?" He frowned, he'd never thought about his wants before, not that he had ever wanted much. He resumed thought, what do I want then? If I wanted anything... He was almost surprised at how quickly his mind responded, Fenris. Loki was confused by this, Fenris!? Fenris, Fenris, Fenris, Fenris!! Why? Why is her name constantly running through my head? Why is it that I have so many questions about her and my feelings about her? Where does all this uncertainty come from? Is it from you Fenris!? He put his palms against his forehead frustration getting the better of him, Fenris.. Fenris...do I...miss you? Miss you!? He looked up at the sky helplessly. He saw in it the color of her eyes, entrancing him pushing all thought from his mind. The assassin stayed like that for a long time, how long he could not tell. Time became meaningless one minute.. five minutes...twelve ..what did it matter? A breeze blew by, somehow ending the spell, Loki's anger had vanished by then. He unstuck his throat and murmured, "...yes Fenris, I miss you." He stood up, realizing he'd been gone far too long. They will find me missing, and no doubt be upset. He paused at the edge of the oasis, surveying the vacant wasteland stretching before him. He drew in a breath, That is how I feel, he decided. Empty... And with that chilling thought to placate him further he moved. Soemwhere, deep within himself, not loud enough for Loki to hear, in the deepest, quietest, most human part of himself, he wished he had it in him to cry.
----
"Gods, Fenris! Watch what you're doing!" Iris' shrill voice cut through the warlock's thoughts. She gasped and saw that she was burning their lunch due to her carelessness. She quickly moved the grate that held the meat aside, without thinking about it. She instantly drew her hand back after that her palm and fingers quickly turning red,
"Ah! Damn it...I'm sorry Iris.. Chaos.. it looks as though I've burned our meal as well as my hand..." She shut one eye and bit her lip as her hand throbbed. Iris sat down next to her, drawing out a runecard. Fenris protested, "Oh really that's not nessisary I'll just get one of my potions and I'll be fine!" Iris held Fenris' hand in hers and shushed her,
"Hold still this is faster anyways..." Chaos was looking over the meat which had finley charred edges.
"It's not so bad.. I think it'll still be edible, though really Fenris, what has gotten into you latley?" A healing light enveloped her hand and her nerve endings stopped screaming at her. She flexed her hand a couple of times, everything appeared to be in order,
"Thank you Iris, my hand feels much better now." Iris looked up at Chaos who was turning the meat over and prodding it with a fork.
"Chaos, could you leave us alone for a minute please?" She asked sweetly, "I'd like to talk to Fenris about something privatly please, I think it'll be better if it's just the two of us, ok?" Chaos srugged and answered,
"Sure if you need to. I'll be over there, call me if you need anything." Chaos sauntered off 'till he was out of hearing range, but still within sight. He polietly turned his back to the women, allowing them thier privacy. Iris turned back to Fenris,
"Now...we need to talk." Fenris was puzzled,
"What do you mean...? What about?" The cleric waved her arms as if it were the most obvious thing in the world,
"You! Something's not right with you! You're not yourself, you've been quiet, moody, you haven't been sleeping well, you've been distraced, absentminded, easily flustered, barley eating...shall I go on?" Fenris shook her head mutley,
"...No. Well, allright.. I guess I have been acting rather odd latley I wish I knew why though.." Iris crossed her arms,
"I think you do know." Fenris laughed a bit and shook her head,
"I'm afraid you are mistaken Iris, I wish I knew, but I don't." Iris shot back one word,
"Loki." Fenris gasped, her eyes stung as tears threatened to form. The cleric watched her face staring unflinchinly at Fenris. Neither were really expecting such a powerful reaction from a name, his name. Fenris took in a breath and answered back smoothly,
"What about Loki?" Iris pressed on,
"Well, you didn't start acting odd until he left, and you've only been getting worse. I think, I think you miss him Fenris.. and maybe.." Fenris arched a brow repeating,
"'And maybe...?'" Iris bit her lip and shook her head,
"No I shouldn't, nevermind I'll go get Chaos." Fenris grabbed the girl's arm before she could move,
"'And maybe' I what Iris? Tell me! Tell me please, if I denied the very answer that I was looking for I will never find this 'maybe' on my own." Iris bit her lip,
"Well.. okay, but don't yell at me if you don't like it... Well Fenris, I think maybe you ...like him." She let go of the cleric's arm, shocked, confused, her world shattered beyond all recognition, yet somehow through all the chaos she could finally see things clearly.
"You...you think I like him?" Iris shrugged,
"It was just a thought really...I mean I don't know.. I think you understood him better than the rest of us ever did. Anyways, whatever the reason I know you really miss him. Though really Fenris...you gotta move on. What if you stay like this for the rest of your life? Can you really be happy living like that? Would you ever be able to look back and say 'I did something worthwhile with my life?' ...Fenris?" The warlock was crying, she wiped at her eyes,
"You.. you are right of course Iris.. thank you.. but I .. I just realized...I really do...I don't just like him as a friend Iris..there... there is more there... only..why could I not see it? I..I love him! I love Loki...and I'm afraid I'll never get to tell him that.. or see him again!" She hugged herself and curled over, her forehead almost touching the ground. I have lost the man I love three times...Once with Balder, once when I found Balder again, and now...I have lost Loki! Iris was rubbing her back softly, trying to calm Fenris,
"It's okay...It's okay...it'll be allright Fenris..somehow.." The older woman, who now seemed the younger of the two, would have none of it. She shook her head muttering over and over,
"It's hopeless, I realized it too late...he'll never know...never.." Iris hugged Fenris, feeling truly sorry for her, and a little guilty.
"I'm sorry Fenris.. I shouldn't have said anything." Fenris smiled weakly and hugged her back lightly,
"No.. it's allright.. I forgive you don't worry. At least I know now..so maybe.. maybe if I see him..." She trailed off, Iris nodded, glad that she had sent Chaos away. He wouldn't know what to say.. he's so clueless sometimes..he'd probably say something really dumb. Fenris let go of Iris and placed her hands on the girls shoulders, suddenly looking a lot more cheerful. "I think I'm ready for lunch, why don't you call Chaos over to join us?" Iris smiled wickedly diliberatley raising her voice,
"I think we should leave him over there, he'd probably eat all the food before we'd even get a chance to eat anything!" Chaos turned around,
"Hey I heard that! And I know for a fact that you, Miss Iris Irine, can out eat me any day!" Iris pretended to be insulted by the comment,
"Why I!? I am merley a refined and helpless maiden, you would accuse me of eating like someone who's just seen a seven season famine?" Fenris chuckled at her friend's quips, Chaos also answered back in mock indignace,
"I do not eat as though I have seen a seven season famine!" Iris stuck out her tounge,
"You do too!"
"Do not!"
"Too!"
"Not!"
"Too!" Fenris was laughing so hard her sides were hurting. Chaos and Iris smiled, somehow without arranging it before hand they had both just known to do that. Perhaps they were just used to each other, but it was almost uncanny the way they read each other's minds sometimes. Chaos returned and they all sat down and had a pleasant lunch. Fenris was very animated and chattered happily with them, it seemed she was finally returning to normal. She sent out a thought to the wind, wondering if it would somehow reach him, Did you hear that Loki? I love you. I hope we shall see each other again someday...we will somehow. Even if I have to search all of Midgard and even into Hel!
-------
"What!?" Mustafa's cry echoed around the chamber. He was clearly unprepared for this sort of answer. "Yo-you're not going to accept your position on the council..? Loki..why? I don't understand." He sounded crestfallen. LOki answered flatly the answer he had prepared,
"I feel the guild needs me more as an active member, not constricted to the duties of the council. I will gladly give the council members my advice on any matter they feel I have authority to give such information." He spoke in his formal, clear tone, when he spoke like that nothing could dissuade him, his comrades knew this and forestalled any further argument. It would only waste everyone's energy, and it was far too hot a day for arguments. Mustafa turned back to Loki and answered faintly,
"Very well Loki, if you feel you can preform your duties to the guild better this way, so be it. Let us adjourn this metting, we will get nothing more done today." There was a general murmur of assent and the six council members filed out, giving Loki looks of curiosity and wonder on their way. Loki left and followed Taulin and Hajatu, he needed to ask the Blood Rose a favor. He tracked them silently, and stayed out of their sight 'till they came to the gardens which had been spared. There was more cover and he watched them borededly at first, but he became interested as they started to speak. They sat down in the shade of a reasonably large tree. Taulin lay back against Hajatu's chest, he had his arms wrapped around her in a circle, and they seemed content to sit like that, despite the heat. It was she who spoke first,
"Loki has certainly changed hasn't he?" Hajatu tilted his head,
"How do you mean?" Taulin shrugged a little and put her hands up on his,
"It's hard to say, sometimes I think he's softer in a way, but then I think I must be imagining it. He's so hard to figure out sometimes, but I think those people he met changed him somehow." Hajatu was silent for a moment then answered,
"Haven't we changed? I'm sure we all seem different to Loki, especially Ibrahm. Who would have thought he'd have a sense of responsibility like that? We've all changed...and that includes us..." Taulin's cheeks were touched by a bit of pink,
"Yes...'us'" She looked up at Hajatu smiling, he smiled back at her and bent his head down, placing a kiss on her lips. Loki wasn't sure wether or not to look away, or what to think about all of this. Somehow he thought he shouldn't be watching such a gesture, but he couldn't look away. They finally broke apart. Taulin picked up the conversation again,
"Still I wonder what they're like.. he didn't really say much about them... except what was her name.. Fenris that was it!" Hajatu looked down at her again, a bit incredulous,
"You remember that?" She laughed lightly,
"I am a woman still Hajatu." He laughed and shook his head, readjusting his arms around her,
"Out of all the things Loki said, why should you remember this 'Fenris' over everything else?" Taulin half shrugged again,
"I don't know.. but that's when he seemed most different to me." Hajatu stirred a little,
"If you say so Taulin." They kissed again, and Loki backed uncomfortabley away, he would have to track down Taulin later. Perhaps she could help him more with Fenris than he thought.
----
Ah, much more satisfied with that I think this is the first fic (of mine) where Fenris realizes it first! XD Not that anyone cares, just thought I'd throw in that little fun fact. Okay! goes off to write the fourth chapter