Bleeding Soul and Silent Screams
Chapter 12 Parts of Me
"Lying beside you, listening to you breathe
the life that flows inside of you burns inside of me
Cast me not away, say you'll be with me
For I know I cannot bear it all alone
Can't fight it all away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just won't fade away"
-evanescence
Draco hadn't seen them at lunch. The trio didn't show up and neither did Ginny. "Something must have happened," he thought. There was still time left but Draco decided to go to his room. Maybe Ginny would send him a note, he could only hope. When he arrived in his room he recognized Ginny's owl with a letter attached to its leg. He sent the owl off and quickly opened the note. He read the few words she had written and noticed the tear-stained smudges of ink on it. Something must have happened. He wrote:
Meet me there after dinner.
-Draco
on the back and attached it to his owl. As he watched the owl fly off he wished he could have written more. But he didn't want to make her more emotional then she appeared to be. Whatever had happened he would ask her when they met. As lunch ended and he began to leave for class, Draco's mind remained on Ginny and what could have gone wrong.
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Ginny had made some man cuts she didn't bother to count. She had locked the door so no one would come in but a simple 'Alohomora' could easily open the door. But Ginny didn't care, Hermione could come bursting through the door and see everything Ginny had worked so hard to keep quiet and Ginny would keep on cutting. But she knew Hermione wouldn't come in. Hermione stayed outside leaning against the door, begging Ginny to come out. It took five minutes of Hermione whining and then Ginny finally said,
"Leave me alone, Hermione. You're going to be late for class anyway."
to get Hermione to leave. Ginny didn't bother to clean up because she wasn't even going to bother to go to class. All she wanted to do was sit in her own world with just her and her knife and watch the blood flow from her arms and legs. After fifteen minutes had passed Ginny saw Draco's bird tapping at the window. She slowly got up, still clutching her knife, and took the note as the bird flew off. She read it and silently thanked Draco for not asking what had happened. She wasn't sure if she could go through what had just happened again. It would be better to tell Draco in person, and hopefully it would make her feel better. Ginny let out a sigh and went to the bathroom to get a towel.
She put the towel under water and then cleaned up the blood that had touched the floor. Then she slowly wiped of the blood that occupied her arms and legs. She knew she shouldn't have gotten her hopes up earlier in the day. She knew something bad would happen and it did. If she got her hopes up that only meant it would hurt more when she came crashing down. Ginny curled up her bed, holding the knife tight to her chest. All she wanted was to be left invisible from now on. She didn't want to be noticed anymore. Even though she begged to be invisible she knew a part of her wanted to come back to reality. And a small part of her already had, through Draco.
After his afternoon classes had ended Draco walked to Dinner. But before he could enter the great hall Ron, accompanied by Harry and Hermione came rushing up to him.
"Weasel, Scar head, Mudblood what can I do for you this evening?" he drawled.
"Malfoy, you better stay the hell away from my sister, or else," Ron said with anger in his voice.
"Or else what," Draco questioned and then let out a laugh, "Weasel you don't scare me. I hear that Scar head and Mudblood are getting pretty close. Tell me Weasel, how many times did this Mudblood fuck you before she got bored and moved onto Potter?"
Ron threw himself at Draco but Harry and Hermione held him back with all their strength. They pulled him back and into the great hall.
"You better watch yourself, Malfoy," Hermione called. Draco gave another laugh. Potter and his sidekicks didn't scare him. Draco decided to skip dinner, he was sure Ginny wouldn't be there anyway. So he began his way up the stairs toward the astronomy tower. When he reached the top he saw Ginny lying on her back and gazing at the stars.
"You're here early," He said.
"I know," she said with a sad voice, "I didn't feel like dealing with them all through dinner."
Draco gently sat down and laid back gazing at the stars as well. "Do you want to tell me what happened?" He asked. Ginny was grateful that he had asked if she wanted to talk about it rather demanding it from her. Ginny sat up, gave a sigh, and told Draco the events of the afternoon. He didn't interrupt her at all and just stared into her eyes as she told her tale. By the end of it all, Ginny was on the brink of tears. Draco sat up and pulled her into a close hug, whispering gentle words into her ear.
Ginny let a few tears fall but kept the rest inside. She slowly pulled back from Draco and began to roll up her sleeves and pull down her knee socks.
Draco saw so many cuts. So many that he couldn't even count. They covered her arms and when she had run out of space she had cut over the old scars. Her legs were covered in cuts too. They crossed over each other and went in different directions almost forming a pattern.
"Oh Ginny," was all Draco could say. Ginny let another tear slip out as she the sadness and care in Draco's eyes. She hated seeing those she loved in pain, especially over her. She frankly thought she wasn't even worth it.
"Why?" was all he could ask and looked straight in her eyes.
"Because strong girls don't cry when they have their knives to bleed for them," she said quietly as she brushed the tear off her cheek.
"What are you scared of?" Draco asked suddenly.
"I'm not scared of anything," she replied trying to sound brave but her voice came out shaky and weak.
"Then why don't you cry Ginny? Is it because you're afraid he'll think you're weak? You don't want him to think you're weak, do you? In spite of all he did to you and is still doing to you, you want him to think you're still strong and you can still handle it. But deep down you're breaking inside and you know it too. That's why you cut, isn't it? So you won't break all the way but you'll live. But Gin, with each cut you make you come closer to breaking and become farther away from what you truly desire don't you?" he questioned.
"I don't know, Draco, I really don't know anymore," she sighed.
"Tell me, Ginny, do you want to come back to everything you used to know?" Draco asked searching her eyes for the answer.
"Yes," she said, but hesitated before saying, "and no."
"Apart of me does want to come back," she started, "and this part of me wants to be noticed, loved, and cared for. And this part of me wants to have real friends again, not just my knife. But this other part of me wants to stay in my own world where I control what happens and my best friend is my knife; the one who brings me back each time. That part of me doesn't want to be noticed because when someone notices you, they know more and more things that you don't want them to. When you're hidden in the corner you can stay in your own imaginary world where you have a friend who cares and loves you. No one pays attention to you and you drift on by, left in a world all to yourself. But at the same time I hate because, because-"
"You're so lonely," Draco finished and Ginny gave a small nod.
"You know, when I told Hermione I was already hurting she gave me this look. This look like she actually almost understood what I was saying," Ginny said with a nervous laugh.
"I don't know what I'd do if my family found out. They'd probably hate me. I can picture it right now, my mum screaming at me because she thinks I want attention and my brothers laughing at me, saying I'm just a foolish little girl. Why can't they see I'm not a little girl anymore?" She asked as tears of frustration slipped down her cheeks.
"Gin, you're family isn't going to hate you, they love you," said Draco sympathetically.
"Yes they will. And then my mum will ask me why. And what do I say then? What do I tell them then, Draco?"
"You'll tell them the truth because lies will just make everything worse. You'll tell them all your feelings but you'll tell them not to worry because someone's helping you, because someone's saving you. And Gin, your family does truly love you. Even if they treat you like dirt and you feel invisible deep down there is a true love that nothing can break. A love I'll never know," he ended sadly.
Draco how can you say that? Of course your mum and dad love you," Ginny said.
"My father doesn't love me, he never has. I'm just another pawn on his giant chessboard of life. I'm just another person who gets him closer to Voldemort. If he had no use for me I wouldn't be alive now. My mother she doesn't love me either. More than half of her life is spent in her bedroom crying in fear of my father. She shows sympathy towards me but no emotion that comes even close to love. Why do you think I am the why I am? Why do you think I'm such a cold heartless bastard all the time? Its because no one cares and no one has ever shown love towards me therefore I don't know how to love." Draco ended. Ginny saw the pain in his eyes. She pulled herself close to him and wrapped him in a hug.
"That's not true Draco," Ginny whispered, "I care about you and I love you."
Ginny held him tighter. She was going to show him somebody cared, whether or not he saved her Ginny was going to show him that she would be there.
A/N: Some more Ginny/Draco stuff for you guys. And when Ginny says she loves Draco right now, she means she loves him as a sister loves a brother or a friend loves a friend. But don't worry, they're love could grow into something more. But I won't tell you guys yet!