It was a beautiful evening, Roger Wyndom-Pryce thought as he strolled down a quiet, tree-lined street. He was still somewhat bemused at the strange circumstances which had led to him taking a walk with a retired vampire slayer, a former mystical ball of energy, an ambiguously gay apprentice watcher, and the infant reincarnation of the Scourge of Europe.
He caught up to Buffy. She looked up at him inquiringly.
"Nothing's amiss," he said. "I was merely pondering the, well, frankly, bizarre, turn of events leading to this moment.
Buffy nodded. "I know what you mean. It is pretty weird when you think about it," she said, gesturing at Angel, who was happily chewing on a teething ring.
"Quite," Roger said.
"This is not exactly what I expected," Buffy said with a sigh. "I dreamed of this for years, Angel human, the two of us living together. My dream did not involve changing diapers or wiping up baby puke." Angel kicked his legs. "My fantasy man," she said ruefully.
"I dreamt for years that I'd be the one to destroy the Scourge of Europe," Roger said. "This morning he sat on my lap and we watched Teletubbies. I'm glad Quentin Travers wasn't there to see me." He pointed an accusing finger at the baby. "You probably did this deliberately." Angel grabbed his finger and gave Roger a toothless smile.
Andrew, as always, a nervous fussbudget, said, "It's getting late. Shouldn't we be getting back to the apartment soon? Say, about now, before the creatures of the night attack?"
Roger, unable to repress his scorn, said, "Don't be a coward, boy. You're in the company of a slayer."
Stung by the criticism, Andrew muttered, "I hope a vampire shows up." At that moment, a mini-skirted blond bumped into him. "Hey, watch it!" Andrew snapped.
The girl glared at him, vamped out, then, before anyone could react, changed back to her human face, grabbed Buffy into a hug and shrieked, "Buffy! It's great to see you again. Your hair looks so cute that length! Look at those shoes! They're so cute!"
Buffy, taken aback, gaped at her. "Harmony?" she said at last. "What are you doing in Rome?"
"Ahem," Roger said, trying to get Buffy's attention. "Shouldn't you be reducing this fiend to a cloud of dust about now?" Both Buffy and Harmony ignored him, while Dawn and Andrew watched their reunion with interest.
"I'm working at the Italian branch of Wolfram and Hart," Harmony said happily. "I transferred after the LA branch got destroyed."
"You have a job?" said a flabbergasted Buffy.
Harmony nodded. "I'm a special assistant to Ilona Bianchi, our CEO," she said brightly. "Angel gave me a great recommendation right before, he, well, you know."
"Wolfram and Hart, the evil law firm?" Buffy said, still trying to absorb the fact that of all the graduates of Sunnydale High, Harmony Kendall was the one with a real job. She's working for a top level law firm, pulling down enough money to buy designer shoes, while I ended up at Doublemeat Palace wearing a paper hat. That is just so unfair, Buffy thought. My grades were much better than hers.
"Yeah. It's great, and Ilona gave me a really big raise. Not that I'm saying Angel was cheap or anything, but you know how cheap he was," Harmony said.
Roger rolled his eyes. He started to say something, then paused. Why bother, they're incapable of appreciating my dry British wit, he thought caustically. Bloody yanks.
Spotting Angel, Harmony knelt down, chucked Angel under his fat little chin and said, I didn't know you had a baby. He's so cute. He looks just like Angel." She vamped out, much to the baby's delight. "So when did you have a baby, and who's the father?" she said.
"Uh, he was born in May of 2004," said Buffy.
Harmony looked confused, as her brain, unaccustomed to thinking, tried to work out the dates. After a period in which everyone could have sworn they heard the sound of rusty gears, Harmony spoke. "He's Blondie Bear's, isn't he?" she said with a flash of her old jealousy.
"Don't be daft, woman!" said an exasperated Roger. "William The Bloody was a vampire, he couldn't have fathered a child! Besides, just look at the lad. His coloring alone proves he's no relation to that murderous fiend."
Harmony smiled at the compliment to her beloved Blondie Bear. "Where'd he come from then," she said, a puzzled frown creasing her brow.
Buffy started her tale with, "Cordelia Chase, you remember her?"
Harmony rolled her eyes. "She was only my best friend for eight years, Buffy. Yeah, I remember Cordy."
Buffy continued her story. "Anyway, one day last May she shows up here on my doorstep, hands me the baby, and says 'Angel shanshued after all. I'd raise him myself, but I can't, what with me being dead and all. So here he is. Enjoy the diapers and the 2:00 a.m feedings. Oh by the way, thanks to all the scooby gang for coming to my funeral, your eulogies were so moving. Oh yeah, that's right, none of you bothered to show up' then she vanished. I mean that literally." Buffy shook her head. "Dead, and she's still a bitch."
"Hey! She was my best friend," Harmony snapped. "And I went to her funeral. Where were you?"
Buffy shuffled her feet, looked away, and muttered something about having been busy.
Andrew finally found his manhood. "Begone foul fiend of hell!" he declaimed, brandishing a cross at Harmony; much to his chagrin, instead of quailing with fear, she giggled.
"Hi Andrew," Harmony said. Looking down at the baby, she said, "Remember when we used to play house with my Cabbage Patch dolls?"
"I don't know what you're talking about," Andrew said huffily.
"Sure you do. You always dressed up in my clothes and pretend you were the mother. Tucker used to call you 'Mr. Sissypants'," Harmony said.
Andrew turned beet red. "I have no recollection of any such event," he said stiffly. Dawn snickered. Once again, Roger rolled his eyes.
Buffy, belatedly remembering she was a slayer, made a half-hearted attempt to stake Harmony, who nimbly leapt over a ten foot wall and disappeared.
"That was an interesting turn of events," Roger said caustically. "It seems you've let yet another vampire survive to do evil."
"Don't get bent out of shape over it," Buffy said. "Harmony's too dumb to do much damage. Besides, I know where she works. I'll go there first thing tomorrow and deal with her. Let's all go home."