Well, well, well. It would certainly seem as though I have endeavored upon a new Zelda humor fic. I can't really say I've seen this done anywhere before, although I could be wrong. Anyway, I certainly hope it's original and that you enjoy it. If you don't, feel free to flame, but you'd better have a valid point if you do. Otherwise, I will metaphorically rip out the feeble heart of your logic with my bare hands and eat it.
--Disclaimer: [David Spade voice] Okay, if anyone doesn't know what goes here, kindly raise your hand and Tommy will come hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard.--
A Contemporary History of Hyrule
-Foreword-
It has come to the attention of the editor of this text that the rich history of the land of Hyrule is drastically underrepresented in the series of games of disparate settings which are united under the title The Legend of Zelda. It has also come to his attention that forewords really suck, and therefore it is his pleasure to press onward without delay, in the most politically incorrect and unorthodox manner he can manage.
-Chapter One: The Birth of Hyrule-
Every culture has its legends. George Washington could not tell a lie. Abe Lincoln really cared about what happened to African Americans. Christopher Columbus discovered the Americas. Wrong, wrong, and (wouldn't you know it) wrong. The point is, legends are one percent fact (if that), ninety-nine percent horse crap, spawned from pride.
It follows, then, that the idyllic picture of the immaculate Goddesses descending from the heavens to lovingly and meticulously craft the Kingdom of Hyrule is utter nonsense. What actually happened went something like this. Din, Nayru, and Farore, who really do exist, had had a bit too much to drink. They had been trying to conjure Pierce Brosnan to have a little fun, but in their inebriated state, needless to say, they botched it. So, instead of their handsome Hollywood hunk, they inadvertently created a small, empty section of space-time. While they were busy contemplating the physical applications of this happy accident, three things happened at once. Din, having just downed her fiftieth shot of vodka, threw up. Nayru, who had been munching bean burritos all night, let an almighty one rip. Farore just sneezed. Coincidentally, both Din and Farore were bent over, examining their new creation intently, while Nayru had just turned away from the coffee table on which it rested to head for the ladies' room.
This disgusting turn of events led to the creation of Hyrule. The solids and liquids so unceremoniously ejected from the depths of Din's stomach became the geographic features of the fabled country. Nayru's gaseous by-products became its atmosphere, and the tiny droplets of mucus flung from the flawless nose of Farore became- you guessed it- fairies. No kidding. Fairies are Goddess snot.
So, having just created a tiny world with which to tinker, the three drunken Goddesses got a-tinkering. First, they created the six major races: the Hylians, the Zora, the Gorons, the Gerudo, the Kokiri, and the Goobers. Goobers were a reptilian race not unlike Dodongos, the major difference being that the Goobers were a civilized society whereas the Dodongos were common beasts. Unfortunately, the Goobers were killed off early by the Hylians on account of their silly names, and the Kokiri, the envy of all as they never grew up, were banished to live in the forest with a bi-polar talking tree and a bunch of Goddess snot (fairies).
Second came the various species of animals and, just to spice things up a bit, monsters. No one really knows what possessed the Goddesses to create such horrors as Bongo-Bongo or Volvagia, but historical evidence seems to point toward hallucinogens.
The five surviving civilizations got along just fine for about three hundred years. The Hylians specialized in weaponry- nowhere in Hyrule was there better steel to be found than that crafted by the Hylian master smiths. This was largely because the Hylians had swiftly cornered the market on steel, and so no one else had any to try to forge into anything. The Gorons specialized in explosives, which made them über cool in all eyes despite their inherent simplicity. The Zora were, naturally, master fishermen. Trade thrived. There being no important things left to monopolize for the sake of trade, the Gerudo went into floral design. They also made a healthy profit off the Kokiri by selling sand in bulk (for sand boxes).
Then came the fateful day that would cause eternal strife in the peaceful land that, at first, was Hyrule. As Farore walked past the coffee table on which Hyrule rested, she bumped into it. As she reached down to massage her now aching knee, one of her earrings came off and fell into Hyrule. It was in the shape of three golden triangles put together so that they formed a larger triangle, empty in the middle.
The bump of the table caused a massive earthquake in Hyrule. Virtually every being was knocked senseless, and when they awoke, there in the middle of Hyrule Field was what came to be known as the Triforce. It was rightfully taken to be an artifact of the Goddesses, and as such was promptly sealed away in what was then known as the Storage Area. Everything that the various races found to be particularly nifty but for which they could find no practical use was crammed into the Storage Area, with the intent of studying the artifacts and eventually discovering what they did one by one. Unfortunately, the Tenth Keybearer- the title bestowed upon the keeper of the key to the Storage Area- wandered too close to the Fire Temple and was promptly turned into a midnight snack by Volvagia. The ability to access the Storage Area died with him.
As time passed, a certain mystique began to surround the Storage Area, as no one had been there in several generations. Eventually, after its location was long lost, it became known as the Sacred Realm.
Just before the Ninth Keybearer died, a man named Yves Rufus Shiznat ascended the Hylian throne. The Ninth Keybearer made the mistake of laughing at his name, and was immediately sentenced to a horrible death. King Yves was not unused to such ridicule, however, and so he began a project that would prove that despite his terrible name, he was not actually a pansy. He determined to forge the most powerful sword Hyrule had ever seen, and, to his credit, he actually did, if only by accident. The problem was, Yves was a wonderful architect, but no engineer. He designed a beautiful sword, and forged it himself. Unfortunately, its structure was much too feeble- although he didn't know it. Just as he was about to quench the red-hot steel of his new creation in a barrel, an amazing and fortuitous thing happened. Nayru had just been tearing through the room in which the coffee table containing Hyrule sat, crying her eyes out. One of her tears fell directly into the bucket an instant before Yves stuck the sword in. Needless to say, the tears of the Goddess imbued the blade with miraculous powers. Yves dubbed it the "Hella Cool Sword," but in time it became known simply as the Master Sword. As its horrific powers became clear, however, it was decided that the Master Sword should be laid to rest in the Temple of Time and locked away forever.
Thus the world of Hyrule as we know and love it was created. The next chapter will discuss the events leading to the familiar story related to us in Ocarina of Time.
So, how was that? Amusing, I hope? Anyway, let me know what you think! Review! Do it! NOW!
--Disclaimer: [David Spade voice] Okay, if anyone doesn't know what goes here, kindly raise your hand and Tommy will come hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you are a retard.--
A Contemporary History of Hyrule
-Foreword-
It has come to the attention of the editor of this text that the rich history of the land of Hyrule is drastically underrepresented in the series of games of disparate settings which are united under the title The Legend of Zelda. It has also come to his attention that forewords really suck, and therefore it is his pleasure to press onward without delay, in the most politically incorrect and unorthodox manner he can manage.
-Chapter One: The Birth of Hyrule-
Every culture has its legends. George Washington could not tell a lie. Abe Lincoln really cared about what happened to African Americans. Christopher Columbus discovered the Americas. Wrong, wrong, and (wouldn't you know it) wrong. The point is, legends are one percent fact (if that), ninety-nine percent horse crap, spawned from pride.
It follows, then, that the idyllic picture of the immaculate Goddesses descending from the heavens to lovingly and meticulously craft the Kingdom of Hyrule is utter nonsense. What actually happened went something like this. Din, Nayru, and Farore, who really do exist, had had a bit too much to drink. They had been trying to conjure Pierce Brosnan to have a little fun, but in their inebriated state, needless to say, they botched it. So, instead of their handsome Hollywood hunk, they inadvertently created a small, empty section of space-time. While they were busy contemplating the physical applications of this happy accident, three things happened at once. Din, having just downed her fiftieth shot of vodka, threw up. Nayru, who had been munching bean burritos all night, let an almighty one rip. Farore just sneezed. Coincidentally, both Din and Farore were bent over, examining their new creation intently, while Nayru had just turned away from the coffee table on which it rested to head for the ladies' room.
This disgusting turn of events led to the creation of Hyrule. The solids and liquids so unceremoniously ejected from the depths of Din's stomach became the geographic features of the fabled country. Nayru's gaseous by-products became its atmosphere, and the tiny droplets of mucus flung from the flawless nose of Farore became- you guessed it- fairies. No kidding. Fairies are Goddess snot.
So, having just created a tiny world with which to tinker, the three drunken Goddesses got a-tinkering. First, they created the six major races: the Hylians, the Zora, the Gorons, the Gerudo, the Kokiri, and the Goobers. Goobers were a reptilian race not unlike Dodongos, the major difference being that the Goobers were a civilized society whereas the Dodongos were common beasts. Unfortunately, the Goobers were killed off early by the Hylians on account of their silly names, and the Kokiri, the envy of all as they never grew up, were banished to live in the forest with a bi-polar talking tree and a bunch of Goddess snot (fairies).
Second came the various species of animals and, just to spice things up a bit, monsters. No one really knows what possessed the Goddesses to create such horrors as Bongo-Bongo or Volvagia, but historical evidence seems to point toward hallucinogens.
The five surviving civilizations got along just fine for about three hundred years. The Hylians specialized in weaponry- nowhere in Hyrule was there better steel to be found than that crafted by the Hylian master smiths. This was largely because the Hylians had swiftly cornered the market on steel, and so no one else had any to try to forge into anything. The Gorons specialized in explosives, which made them über cool in all eyes despite their inherent simplicity. The Zora were, naturally, master fishermen. Trade thrived. There being no important things left to monopolize for the sake of trade, the Gerudo went into floral design. They also made a healthy profit off the Kokiri by selling sand in bulk (for sand boxes).
Then came the fateful day that would cause eternal strife in the peaceful land that, at first, was Hyrule. As Farore walked past the coffee table on which Hyrule rested, she bumped into it. As she reached down to massage her now aching knee, one of her earrings came off and fell into Hyrule. It was in the shape of three golden triangles put together so that they formed a larger triangle, empty in the middle.
The bump of the table caused a massive earthquake in Hyrule. Virtually every being was knocked senseless, and when they awoke, there in the middle of Hyrule Field was what came to be known as the Triforce. It was rightfully taken to be an artifact of the Goddesses, and as such was promptly sealed away in what was then known as the Storage Area. Everything that the various races found to be particularly nifty but for which they could find no practical use was crammed into the Storage Area, with the intent of studying the artifacts and eventually discovering what they did one by one. Unfortunately, the Tenth Keybearer- the title bestowed upon the keeper of the key to the Storage Area- wandered too close to the Fire Temple and was promptly turned into a midnight snack by Volvagia. The ability to access the Storage Area died with him.
As time passed, a certain mystique began to surround the Storage Area, as no one had been there in several generations. Eventually, after its location was long lost, it became known as the Sacred Realm.
Just before the Ninth Keybearer died, a man named Yves Rufus Shiznat ascended the Hylian throne. The Ninth Keybearer made the mistake of laughing at his name, and was immediately sentenced to a horrible death. King Yves was not unused to such ridicule, however, and so he began a project that would prove that despite his terrible name, he was not actually a pansy. He determined to forge the most powerful sword Hyrule had ever seen, and, to his credit, he actually did, if only by accident. The problem was, Yves was a wonderful architect, but no engineer. He designed a beautiful sword, and forged it himself. Unfortunately, its structure was much too feeble- although he didn't know it. Just as he was about to quench the red-hot steel of his new creation in a barrel, an amazing and fortuitous thing happened. Nayru had just been tearing through the room in which the coffee table containing Hyrule sat, crying her eyes out. One of her tears fell directly into the bucket an instant before Yves stuck the sword in. Needless to say, the tears of the Goddess imbued the blade with miraculous powers. Yves dubbed it the "Hella Cool Sword," but in time it became known simply as the Master Sword. As its horrific powers became clear, however, it was decided that the Master Sword should be laid to rest in the Temple of Time and locked away forever.
Thus the world of Hyrule as we know and love it was created. The next chapter will discuss the events leading to the familiar story related to us in Ocarina of Time.
So, how was that? Amusing, I hope? Anyway, let me know what you think! Review! Do it! NOW!