Aloha. Thanks to the weekend my homework is not so pressing and I can actually write. So have chapter four. And review it.
-Disclaimer: Don't own Zelda. I guess I kind of own the coffee table, which is actually based on the real coffee table in the family room of my house, but I don't own all coffee tables. It'd be pretty cool if I did though. Then everyone who had one would have to pay rent to me. I'd make billions off Starbucks (which I also don't own). I'll shut up now and let you read chapter four. If you actually read this whole thing, you get a cookie, but you have to buy it yourself.-
A Contemporary History of Hyrule
-Chapter Four: Ganon Gets Owned (Again)-
Section 1- A Somewhat Irrelevant History of the Shiekah
The Shiekah were not one of the original six races. They're what some of you sports-minded people out there might refer to as an "expansion race." The whole idea started with a guy named Shiek. For those of you thinking, "Now wait a minute, wasn't Zelda's alter-ego named Shiek?" it certainly was. Before her disappearance she was sued by the Spirit of Shiek for violation of copyright, but the High Judge just laughed when she heard why Shiek was suing. For all of the details, you can look up the case Spirit of Shiek v. Princess Zelda.
Anyway, it was just before the four hundredth Battle of Hyrule Field, when Shiek got this idea. His plan was to dress up in strange, tight-fitting blue clothes and put some rags on his head. His enemies, he hoped, would become so distracted by his strange attire that he could cut them down before they raised blade, bomb, or fish. It should be noted that Shiek had blonde hair.
His plan, unfortunately, backfired. His blue outfit attracted a great deal of unwanted attention, and he spent all day fighting gallantly for his life. Amazingly, he survived the battle with no more than a bruise from a particularly large fish swung at him by a Zora. Heartened, he looked on his new get-up as a good luck charm, and wore it to each subsequent Battle of Hyrule Field during his lifetime. It ended up giving him much more combat experience than any other being alive, and he became the most revered warrior in the land. The moral of the story? Wear tight-fitting blue clothes and you become an über-cool ninja.
Anyway, Shiek began accepting students, though for some unknown reason he only selected those whose hair color was similar to his own. They called themselves the Shiekah, and established a small settlement, which they dubbed Kakariko. The village soon became a popular place to live, as the Shiekah had such a reputation for ferocity and valor that no one dared attack them- aside from a few Goron practical jokers who, from time to time, would roll bombs down into the village from Death Mountain. In time, the Shiekah became the traditional guardians of the village. Also, because those of Royal blood have never been noted for their bravery, the Shiekah would traditionally send one of their warriors to guard the Hylian Royal Family. Pansies.
Section 2- A Somewhat Relevant History of the Sages
After the creation of the "Hella Cool Sword," the three lascivious goddesses realized that they had created something serious, so they decided that they should take some kind of precaution against evil. Using their mysterious powers of ambiguous origin and a completely unnecessary though highly amusing sort of rain dance (they were drunk again, mind), they created a few laws of nature in Hyrule that were anything but natural.
The first law they set down was that anyone who would grow up to have both power and diabolical intentions would have a crazy name. This is why Ganondorf was christened how he was and not something normal like Fred. There were two reasons for this. Firstly, a kid with a crazy name being born would trigger the second and third laws. But more importantly, if this avatar of evil should have a normal name, think of what kind of a title he or she might have. Take Fred as an example, for the sake of continuity. Fred, Fell Prince of Evil and King of Thieves just isn't intimidating at all. That's the kind of title that inspires wedgies, not fear and awe.
The second law was that as soon as the kid with the funny name was born, six beings would be chosen to represent what the goddesses viewed as the six basic elements (Light, Shadow, Water, Fire, Forest, Spirit). Why they picked six elements and why they picked the six they did is still a mystery. Many historians suggest that some Jack Daniels and a few...magic...brownies may have had more than a little influence on these choices. Anyway, these six, when assisted by the two others detailed in the third law, would have the sole power to stop the evil.
The third law stated that eighteen years before the confrontation would occur, two others would be born- a boy and a girl, in the interest of balance. Also to this end, the boy and girl were fated to have names equally as silly as their evil counterpart. The boy would be the Hero of Time, wielder of the Master Sword, while the girl would be the Princess of Destiny and the seventh Sage. Again, the strange names were necessary to make the epithets achieve their full effect. Mary, Princess of Destiny? Richard (or worse, Dick), the Hero of Time? I think not.
Section 3- Ganon's (First) Less than Dramatic Return and Subsequent Defeat
So, to pick up where Chapter Three left off, one of the Sages had just been killed and Ganondorf had made his return. This is where TempleMaster17's account of what happened in Link's Quest to Find Zelda strays from the truth. In it, he claims that the remaining Sages turned Malon into the new Sage of Shadow and things went from there. This was not the case. The goddesses had not created a backup plan in case one of the Sages was killed. If you're thinking, "But that was stupid!" then you would be correct. But remember, they were most likely both high and very intoxicated at the time of their creation of the three laws, so a plan B probably never occurred to them.
So what possible course of action was left to take? Was there no hope for the good people of Hyrule? Were they to be subjected to a lifetime of tyranny and servitude? Well, in all likelihood they would have been had Link not inadvertently discovered a loophole in the laws laid down by the goddesses. The next time Ganondorf came to Link's office to gloat, Link simply shoved the Master Sword into his skull, effectively incapacitating the King of Evil. This method was used again, as related in Wind Waker, but that is a story for a later chapter.
Thus, peace reigned once again in the land of Hyrule. Chapter five will discuss the resulting Golden Age, which lasted much longer than the first one on account of the fact that the King of Evil was dead and not temporarily locked up. He was to be reincarnated, but again, that will come in later chapters.
Heh, so the side-note sections ended up being longer than the "main" one. Ah well, that's life. Review. Now.
-Disclaimer: Don't own Zelda. I guess I kind of own the coffee table, which is actually based on the real coffee table in the family room of my house, but I don't own all coffee tables. It'd be pretty cool if I did though. Then everyone who had one would have to pay rent to me. I'd make billions off Starbucks (which I also don't own). I'll shut up now and let you read chapter four. If you actually read this whole thing, you get a cookie, but you have to buy it yourself.-
A Contemporary History of Hyrule
-Chapter Four: Ganon Gets Owned (Again)-
Section 1- A Somewhat Irrelevant History of the Shiekah
The Shiekah were not one of the original six races. They're what some of you sports-minded people out there might refer to as an "expansion race." The whole idea started with a guy named Shiek. For those of you thinking, "Now wait a minute, wasn't Zelda's alter-ego named Shiek?" it certainly was. Before her disappearance she was sued by the Spirit of Shiek for violation of copyright, but the High Judge just laughed when she heard why Shiek was suing. For all of the details, you can look up the case Spirit of Shiek v. Princess Zelda.
Anyway, it was just before the four hundredth Battle of Hyrule Field, when Shiek got this idea. His plan was to dress up in strange, tight-fitting blue clothes and put some rags on his head. His enemies, he hoped, would become so distracted by his strange attire that he could cut them down before they raised blade, bomb, or fish. It should be noted that Shiek had blonde hair.
His plan, unfortunately, backfired. His blue outfit attracted a great deal of unwanted attention, and he spent all day fighting gallantly for his life. Amazingly, he survived the battle with no more than a bruise from a particularly large fish swung at him by a Zora. Heartened, he looked on his new get-up as a good luck charm, and wore it to each subsequent Battle of Hyrule Field during his lifetime. It ended up giving him much more combat experience than any other being alive, and he became the most revered warrior in the land. The moral of the story? Wear tight-fitting blue clothes and you become an über-cool ninja.
Anyway, Shiek began accepting students, though for some unknown reason he only selected those whose hair color was similar to his own. They called themselves the Shiekah, and established a small settlement, which they dubbed Kakariko. The village soon became a popular place to live, as the Shiekah had such a reputation for ferocity and valor that no one dared attack them- aside from a few Goron practical jokers who, from time to time, would roll bombs down into the village from Death Mountain. In time, the Shiekah became the traditional guardians of the village. Also, because those of Royal blood have never been noted for their bravery, the Shiekah would traditionally send one of their warriors to guard the Hylian Royal Family. Pansies.
Section 2- A Somewhat Relevant History of the Sages
After the creation of the "Hella Cool Sword," the three lascivious goddesses realized that they had created something serious, so they decided that they should take some kind of precaution against evil. Using their mysterious powers of ambiguous origin and a completely unnecessary though highly amusing sort of rain dance (they were drunk again, mind), they created a few laws of nature in Hyrule that were anything but natural.
The first law they set down was that anyone who would grow up to have both power and diabolical intentions would have a crazy name. This is why Ganondorf was christened how he was and not something normal like Fred. There were two reasons for this. Firstly, a kid with a crazy name being born would trigger the second and third laws. But more importantly, if this avatar of evil should have a normal name, think of what kind of a title he or she might have. Take Fred as an example, for the sake of continuity. Fred, Fell Prince of Evil and King of Thieves just isn't intimidating at all. That's the kind of title that inspires wedgies, not fear and awe.
The second law was that as soon as the kid with the funny name was born, six beings would be chosen to represent what the goddesses viewed as the six basic elements (Light, Shadow, Water, Fire, Forest, Spirit). Why they picked six elements and why they picked the six they did is still a mystery. Many historians suggest that some Jack Daniels and a few...magic...brownies may have had more than a little influence on these choices. Anyway, these six, when assisted by the two others detailed in the third law, would have the sole power to stop the evil.
The third law stated that eighteen years before the confrontation would occur, two others would be born- a boy and a girl, in the interest of balance. Also to this end, the boy and girl were fated to have names equally as silly as their evil counterpart. The boy would be the Hero of Time, wielder of the Master Sword, while the girl would be the Princess of Destiny and the seventh Sage. Again, the strange names were necessary to make the epithets achieve their full effect. Mary, Princess of Destiny? Richard (or worse, Dick), the Hero of Time? I think not.
Section 3- Ganon's (First) Less than Dramatic Return and Subsequent Defeat
So, to pick up where Chapter Three left off, one of the Sages had just been killed and Ganondorf had made his return. This is where TempleMaster17's account of what happened in Link's Quest to Find Zelda strays from the truth. In it, he claims that the remaining Sages turned Malon into the new Sage of Shadow and things went from there. This was not the case. The goddesses had not created a backup plan in case one of the Sages was killed. If you're thinking, "But that was stupid!" then you would be correct. But remember, they were most likely both high and very intoxicated at the time of their creation of the three laws, so a plan B probably never occurred to them.
So what possible course of action was left to take? Was there no hope for the good people of Hyrule? Were they to be subjected to a lifetime of tyranny and servitude? Well, in all likelihood they would have been had Link not inadvertently discovered a loophole in the laws laid down by the goddesses. The next time Ganondorf came to Link's office to gloat, Link simply shoved the Master Sword into his skull, effectively incapacitating the King of Evil. This method was used again, as related in Wind Waker, but that is a story for a later chapter.
Thus, peace reigned once again in the land of Hyrule. Chapter five will discuss the resulting Golden Age, which lasted much longer than the first one on account of the fact that the King of Evil was dead and not temporarily locked up. He was to be reincarnated, but again, that will come in later chapters.
Heh, so the side-note sections ended up being longer than the "main" one. Ah well, that's life. Review. Now.