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A Contemporary History of Hyrule
-Chapter Five: The Second Golden Age and the Imprisonment War-
Section 1- Golden Age, Round 2. Fight!
Link's creative rearrangement of Ganon's facial features made him, if it were possible, even more famous. Young boys everywhere were fascinated by the Hero of Time, and it became a favorite pastime among them to recreate Link's short though epic battle with the King of Evil on a regular basis. Much to the alarm and dismay of the boys' parents, this usually resulted in the death of one of the would-be thespians at each and every re-enactment. This led to the formation of Parents Intolerant of Superfluous Swordplay, commonly known by its acronym PISS. Full of self-righteous anger, the leaders of PISS decided to take action against the gallant Hero, petitioning Queen Zelda day after day to turn Link over for trial. After a week or so of this, Zelda's temper got the better of her, and she commissioned a famous Goron painter, Goravaggio, to create a sign to put up on the royal lawn to show PISS that they were no longer welcome. Thus, a month later, the phrase "PISS OFF" was coined. To this day, the sign is on display in the Royal Library. It hangs in the main entrance, and scares away the people who don't really need to be there.
This is but one example of numerous colloquial innovations of the Second Golden Age. Naturally, there were a great number of technological advances as well, the most prominent of which was the discovery of prisons. By coincidence, on the same day that the enormous "PISS OFF" sign was erected on the flawless lawn of the castle, Quigley L. Prison made an amazing connection. He found that he could effectively punish his young daughter, who was in the somewhat unfortunate habit of trying to knife random passersby, by isolating her in a room and putting a device on the door that kept her from getting out. Before long, he noted with pleasant surprise, her mildly delinquent behavior had been rectified. Within a month the idea took hold and in another month the first compound full of lockable rooms was constructed to keep criminals off the streets. The building was called a prison, in Quigley's honor.
To put it mildly, prisons caught on. Prisons in Hyrule became, to the ruling elite, what Pokémon cards were to the opposite of the ruling elite five years ago in this world. The four civilizations vied for capacity superiority, the Gorons eventually coming out on top with their Fire Temple- or so they thought. No one knew that the Lost Woods of the Kokiri could serve as an adequate prison for all of Hyrule and then some. This was probably a good thing, however, as losing to a bunch of perpetual children would have irrevocably damaged the psyches of the four heads of state.
Section 2- The Great Imprisoning War
Blissfully unaware of their defeat by the Kokiri and reasoning that it would be a shame to waste all of the lovely prison space, the four nations who weren't imprisoned in their own lands by magic began passing rather nonsensical laws that would allow them to fill up the cells. At first each nation targeted its own subjects, but soon realized that this was both stupid and very little fun. The laws began to change. For instance, there was once a law passed by the King of the Zoras that stated:
Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep. Ooweep.
Translated, this means that all Hylians must be thrown into Lord Jabu Jabu on sight. As a point of clarification, it should be noted that the gibberish word "ooweep" repeated twenty-three times does not really translate into anything. It is gibberish in both the Zora and Hylian tongues (though ironically it is a rather profane insult in Old Goron). The idea came from the mutterings of an earlier Zora King, who had sort of grunted them to Link while moving aside to allow the young hero access to Jabu Jabu, and the gibberish was merely universally understood to mean that all Hylians must be thrown into Lord Jabu Jabu on sight.
As might be obvious to the perceptive reader, with the proliferation of such laws came rather amusing results. Eventually all the Hylians had been rounded up and lived in Zoras' domain, while the Zoras had been imprisoned by the Gorons who had been imprisoned by the Gerudo who had been imprisoned by the Hylians. This happened over and over again, causing a more or less continual migration of everyone but the Kokiri, who just laughed knowing little laughs.
After a few years of this, however, the novelty wore off and everybody went home to resume the topic of the next section.
Section 2.5- The Second Second Golden Age
Most historians generally agree that the Great Imprisoning War was merely a sort of pausing of the Second Golden Age rather than something that should divide a second and third Golden Age. This is mainly because the Second Golden Age would be far too short to really qualify as a Golden Age if it were to end with the commencement of the Great Imprisoning War, and the historians would never want to damage the ego of a Golden Age.
Okay, people, I'm doing something new here (i.e. ending in the middle of chapter five). What I need are suggestions for cool stuff that was invented in the Second Second Golden Age, because I can't think of anything right now and if I tried to do it myself it would turn out like crap, which is not what any of us wants. So, with your feedback for this installment, I would appreciate it if you would kindly make a suggestion. Credit will, of course, be given for those suggestions that I use in any way. Now, review!