Chapter 2- Snape's Grudge
I really was in love. It was the most thrilling sensation I had ever known. I suppose it was never meant to be, but then nothing in my life seems to go right. She helped me a lot. In my first years at school I had a speech impediment. I didn't talk much and when I did they laughed at me, Potter and his gang that is. Lily never stood for it. She couldn't ever handle anyone be made fun of.
Worse than not being able to talk properly, however, was the disaster that it created in Charms, Transfiguration, and any other class that would require me to talk. I hate recalling the countless times I was the only student not able to get any of the spells in those classes. Potter had fun with that one. "Can't you do anything?" he would ask, then imitate the words I was trying to say. Oh, they thought that was funny. The whole lot of them could have rotted in Hell for all I cared.
It wasn't until halfway through our second year that she approached me with the proposition. Lily told me she was having trouble in Potions, the one class I did well in. She was lying of course. Lily knew that I wouldn't just accept help, I have always been much too prideful for that. It wasn't like she was the best Potions student, but Lily wasn't bad off; not as bad as I was with Charms, that is. We made a deal to meet three times a week and tutor each other in the subjects we were having. I was nervous that the other Slytherins would find out that I was doing anything with Lily, but I had to do something. My father was brutal, and I knew I couldn't face him with another bad grade at the end of this year. Lily kept everything a secret though, as if knowing what it might do to me if my house peers discovered where I was going those nights.
Lily was amazing. She had started by getting Muggle information from a speech pathologist her father knew. We drilled with the words until the impediment was nearly gone. Potter still tried to tease me, but it was becoming much harder for him to find fault with the way I spoke at least.
Once my speaking skills had improved, Lily started teaching me the different spells. She was a master at Charms and she would patiently correct when I said a word improperly or made wand movements too brisk. There was one evening I remember so clearly. I was learning Wingardium Leviosa, the levitating charm. I was getting frustrated because it wasn't working. I was concentrating so hard on saying the words properly that I was botching the swish and flick motion. "Not quite, but you almost have it," Lily encouraged; she always encouraged. That time, though, she came behind me, placed her hand over mine, and made the motion with me…in a type of unison that still sends shivers down my spine to think about it.
That's when I first realized that I had feelings for her. It was the first time anyone had so willingly touched my hand, other than to hurt me. The last time anyone had showed so much kindness to be was when my mother was still in control of my father. He didn't let her show me kindness when he was drunk; he hadn't had a sober moment since before my first year. Then there were the students. They never knew my parents couldn't, or wouldn't, get me basic things like shampoo and new clothes. People like Potter, who have everything, don't understand that. They can't understand that there are people who can't have everything. I had always hoped that he would lose what he had one day, then see him try to mock me.
After a few more years of the tutoring sessions, I was up to par, if not ahead and I decided to get back at that slime that made fun of the way I talked for so long. It became an ongoing war between Potter and I, and I never won. He always did something one step better. I still blame him for that afternoon.
I had been planning to ask Lily out after O.W.L.s. I knew she had been stressed; I was going to wait until that bit was over, then ask if she'd like to do something a few times that summer. I was praying that all would go well, and that Lily would see it as a friendly suggestion; though I hoped for more later. Maybe after a few casual meetings, then I could ask her to go steady or something. She was still the only person who would touch me kindly. We had become close over the years, and though neither of us told the other people in our houses, we had a mutual understanding that there was a bond of sorts between us.
I was about to go back into the castle to find her when I saw Potter and his gang. I pulled out my wand and was rather confident that I could get him this time… but it backfired again. It was the worst experience I had to date. They hung me upside down, and let everyone stare at my underwear; the same underwear I had owned for the past six years due to the fact that my father wouldn't buy me anything. It wouldn't have been nearly as bad if Lily hadn't shown up. She was only trying to help.
She made them put me down and started yelling at Potter, but the anger inside me bubbled up and exploded like a volcano and those words…those awful hateful words that I had promised myself never to use slipped out. I called Lily, the only person who had treated me with dignity, a Mudblood. I still hate myself for saying it. I wished she had let Potter blast me into oblivion. It would have been better than seeing her later, tears in her eyes…tears I had caused. I tried to salvage something with her, but she said she couldn't be close friends with me after that. Not that I blame her. I blame myself, and Potter.
I noticed her stick up for me a few times after that, but it only hurt more when she did. It reminded me of what kind of person she was, and what kind of person I had lost in my life. It was only two years later that I saw her hand in hand with Potter, and a few years after that when I heard they were married. By that point I was already serving The Dark Lord. That's another way she helped me. When I heard about Lily again, it reminded me of what happened and that I was hurting those like Lily. I couldn't do it again. I talked to Dumbledore and he helped me out of the horrible situation I had gotten myself into.
It still hurt, though, knowing she was with James, but why shouldn't she be? Potter was always the type to have everything… including the love of my life.
A/N: Okay, I know it was supposed to be a one shot, but this idea has been playing in my head for weeks now, and it wouldn't go away, so I decided to run with it. Once again, this can be considered a companion to 'One More Chance'. If you haven't read that, please do. I also have several LIGHT-HEARTED pieces, if you don't think you can sit and read this kind of drama. I hope this did what I wanted it to… making you all see another side of things. PLEASE review =)
Sorry if any of you have already read this and got an Author Alert, but since wasn't sending them out yesterday when I posted, I thought I'd post again, so that people that didn't know about it can read it if they want.
Thank you:
Natalie: I'm glad you liked it! I appreciate the compliment of uniqueness, since that's what I thought it was. I think it's one of those things that you have to look at something from someone else's view. I think I'd be angry if some guy took my sister away from me and got her killed. Even though we know that it wasn't James's fault, I think a sister who doesn't know what's going on in the wizarding world might see that.
Aikenlicious: Yes, sad, but interesting…no? I like writing things that are a bit thought provoking, since most people have the same view on what some of these characters think and feel. I like to think what JK Rowling isn't telling us instead.
Hellen B. Potter: I feel bad for Harry no matter what, because no matter what Petunia's real feelings are on the subject, Harry's the one being neglected. It's hard to know any child might be being mistreated, but I thought about why she might treat him that way, and those were the thoughts I came up with.
Daisaigai697832: Thank you! I can't say how warm and fuzzy your review made me feel. I'm glad you understand where that one was coming from, in the sense of filling is the blanks as apposed to thinking I was changing what Rowling has stated, not that my version is the absolutely correct thought process in the whole deal, but you know…
Kait: Thank you for reviewing! I would love it if you'd read some of my other stuff and tell me what you think about it. =)
Mell Minamoto: Don't worry, no one can make me stop writing fan fics, no one, but writing block seems to have gotten in the way lately. I'll keep going as long as I have ideas.
Ossini: I have written a companion, but it isn't an AU fic, it's just my interpretation on what the characters are like. It's really hard to say, since we've seen very little of interaction between the people I've written concerning. Most of these so far have to do with Lily, but I think I'll be expanding into Harry's class… maybe Draco?
JamieBell: Great analysis on the previous chapter. I'll give you an A on that one, even if you can't use it in English. You had it right on the nose. The bitterness is everywhere. The interesting thing is that the meaning for 'petunia', like the flower as well as the name, is bitterness. I think it's fun to find things like that out. I hope all is well… you haven't been responding on messenger and I'm not sure why…
Sugarsprite: I'm glad you like the idea, I'll be trying to keep up with more and make them all just as thought provoking.