CHAPTER TWO

The two girls untangled themselves from the ground and the one Hiei assumed was named Tsuki spoke. "Hey, Sue! Where are we?"

"No clue!" answered Sue happily. The two girls giggled, which further annoyed Hiei. You see, he has selective hearing. That means that certain sounds really, REALLY annoy him1. One of those uber-annoying sounds is...you guessed it, the stupid and pointless Teenage Girl Giggle. Usually it's a kind of high-pitched 'Heeheehee!', but it varies from teenage girl to teenage girl.

Anywho. Soon (about 10 minutes later, actually), Hiei's patience was wearing thin. Which is actually saying a lot for Hiei's temper, but these are teenage girls, not Kuwabara. Luckily, just as the fire demon was about to threaten their lives with his menacing stance and shiny katana, they stopped. But they didn't just stop, they STOPPED. Like all of a sudden, as if someone had just severed their necks and they had died happy.

The cause for this sudden stop? Well, it wasn't Hiei, as much as he wished it had been.

"No really, where are we?" questioned Tsuki, serious as could be. Sounds like SOMEONE needs some edumacation!

"I told you, I don't know," replied Sue, backing away from her friend. Who knew, maybe this Stupid was contagious... "But this is Hiei," she informed Tsuki, pointing with not just one, but two fingers (because Hiei's name cannot just be conveyed with ONE pointer finger).

For you, my dear readers, to understand what Tsuki will say next (and what it implies), we must first take a look into Jessica's mind. (Author's Note: Please keep hands, feet, Jagan eyes, and any other mind-warping devices to yourself and out of service. I cannot be held accountable for any temporary or permanent damage done or items lost in the vast unknown of Tsuki's Mind.)

Inside Tsuki's Mind +

Sue + hot little fire demon + secluded woods obscene possibilities

What did I have for breakfast today? I think it was - no, that was yesterday. Hm...

2 + 2 Fish

No! That's not right!

Obscenities...

Out of Jessica's Mind +

"Whoops, I'm sorry Sue. I didn't mean to intrude on anything..." Tsuki blurted out. Before either Sue or Hiei could defend their purity - well, before Sue could defend her purity and Hiei his honor - Tsuki continued, "I don't even know how I got here. You're probably not going to believe me, but I'll tell you anyways. There was this black hole thingy - "

"And it sucked you in, then pushed you out here." asked Hiei in a bored monotone.

"Yeah! How did you know?"

"You're not its first victim," Hiei responded in a bitter tone.

"Hey Tsuki, you got a hair thing?" Sue asked suddenly, turning curious eyes to her friend.

Tsuki held up her arms so Sue could see that they were, indeed, void of any such 'hair things'. "Sorry. Don't you usually have one?"

"Yeah, but someone ripped my kimono, and my last hair thing is holding it together," replied Sue, her eyes turning accusingly to the short demon, a smile playing around her lips.

Tsuki, ever the observant one, tried to process the statement in her mind, but (as we've seen before how disorganized it is) got no where, and asked, "Wait, how did it rip?"

"Uh..." Sue thought desperately for a believable excuse, "Hiei tripped...while holding his katana. Yeah." The aforementioned fire demon snorted, while still looking lost, and kind of blank.

But, the truth cannot stay hidden for long! Or, that's what a certain blue-haired ferry girl thought, which justified her act of randomly POPping into the scene containing our three heroes. Meh, too much Pokemon, I meant to say "...our three characters." Really.

Back to Botan. She materialized from thin air (since that what 'materialize' means, my friend) and dropped delicately to the ground (several hundred years of practice gave her the grace to do so), facing Jessica. "Actually, your friend is lying. She was walking away when - oompf!"

Botan the bubbly, blue-haired ferry girl (whew, try saying that three times fast!) was immediately tackled from behind by none other than Sue, a hand clamped over her mouth.

Sue smiled innocently at Tsuki from her position, on Botan's back. "Really, he tripped," she said quickly. Botan randomly disappeared, leaving Sue to fall ungraciously to the floor. See, unlike Botan, Sue has not been alive for several hundreds of years, and has yet to acquire any kind of grace whatsoever.

"Yeah, sure, and I'm Kurama," Tsuki said disbelievingly.

"No you're not," stated a confused fire demon.

"That's the point."

Hiei let out a small, aggravated sigh and massaged his temples. "Do you at least know where he is?"

Tsuki appeared to be deep in thought for a moment. Or, who knows, maybe she just blacked out for a second or two and it just happened to look like she was in deep thought. But, whatever the case, she came out of her stupor and asked, "Is he that weird dude with long red hair and green eyes?"

Hiei nodded enthusiastically (I'd like to see that). "Yes." He almost looked like a small child awaiting a piece of candy the way he was expectantly awaiting Tsuki's answer.

"Never seen him in my life!"

Well, that didn't sound encouraging at all! To let out his frustration, Hiei began to pace on the forest floor, stroking an invisible goatee.

Sue and Tsuki merely stood by and watched this take place. "You know," quipped Sue, "You shouldn't get so worked up about it. People might start to think you're...crooked."

Hiei stopped his pacing. "What?"

"I said, 'You shouldn't - "

"I know what you said!"

"They why'd you say 'What'!"

"Because..."

"Crooked means gay, Hiei," Tsuki finally informed him, coming to the rescue. "And gay means - " Oh, but if she only knew where to stop...

"I know what gay means!"

"All right already! No need to get a 'tude with us, mister!" Sue reprimanded, shaking her pointer finger in time with her words to emphasize her point (or to make it look spiffy).

A moment of silence passed before Hiei said quietly, "What is so bad about being gay?"

Now, that might have been a question asked to himself, the kind someone says aloud when they are thinking. It also might have been a small proclamation of Hie's love life. No one really knows, though - not even me, and I'm writing this thing.

Nevertheless, Tsuki promptly burst out dramatically, "Because YOU'RE TOO HOT TO BE GAY!"

Now that no birds of any sane kind nested in any nearby trees, thanks to Tsuki's outburst, an awkward silence descended up on the odd group assembled. It was again broken by our favorite little fire demon. "So you don't think Kurama's...hot?"

Oh, that god forsaken sound! It burned! Hiei was at a complete loss as to why these idiotic human girls were giggling again. "Uh...no!" Tsuki said through her giggles.

"The hair's a turn-off," added Sue, sitting down on the floor, still chuckling.

Hiei growled to himself. "I told him I should cut it."

Sue stopped mid-giggle. "So you are gay?" she said, not trying to hide her dismay at this new, unfortunate discovery.

Hiei cursed aloud, and probably would have utter far many more obscenities, but a chemical reaction known as Blinding Frustration/Rage was impairing his ability to think and make comprehensible statements. The capitol letters make it look important and official, don't they?

But what triggered this Blinding Frustration/Rage? It wasn't merely one thing, but more a building up of misfortunate events that had spanned the course of about one day. For example, the annoying teenage girly giggle Sue and Tsuki frequently engaged in was a trigger for this reaction. Other factors were the constant random rabid fangirls popping literally out of nowhere (it would get to you after a while, too), his temporary loss of Kurama, then the questioning of his sexuality. And the unexplainable phenomena that only happen every two millennia had wormed its way in there somehow.

All in all these factors could only lead up to...two things. (1) Hiei would go insane and gorge on fried chicken, eventually begging Koenma to replace his fire powers with telekenis ones so he wouldn't have to actually get up to reach the TV dial, or (2) he would temporarily revert to a demonic state of mind and feel an irrepressible urge to venture upon a homicidal rampage.

Let's go with choice 2!

The effect took place immediately. A malicious glint lit the fire demon's eyes, and his skin tinged green. His hair also did that nifty parting thing where it stands up more than usual (more in the front though), a signal that he was about to use his Jagan. He smirked demonically, revealing teeth that suddenly seemed razor sharp and oh-so-shiny. Does anyone else think he looks particularly attractive when this happens, or am I just a psycho? Oh, just label me 'Rabid' and give me a bishonen to worship! I'D BE HAPPY!

Oh, the dilemnas of a fanatic. Too bad this story doesn't deal with my obsession problems. In a way, yes it does, but we have a story to finish. So meanwhile...

"Five."

"Huh?"

"Four."

"Hiei?"

"Three. Two."

There was a long pause in which no one said anything, for it wouldn't be a pause if someone was talking. Sue and Tsuki exchanged a confused glance while Hiei looked on, being all demonic and stuff.

"One. I gave you the chance to run, but now I cannot be held accountable for my actions," Hiei informed them, inching closer with his katana unsheathed and held before him in what the two girls could only assume was a fighting position. I mean, they've had no experience with katanas before, it's not as if ESPN has an annual Katana Competition or anything (I don't see why, though, they have everything else).

Tsuki, brave thing she was, quickly ducked behind Sue. That left Sue as Hiei's main target. She tried to remain cool in the immediate danger she had just been faced with.

"Hiei, come on, let's talk this out like civilized people - " she tried to reason.

But apparently to no avail. "I'm not civilized, dammit, I'm a demon!" Hiei retorted emphatically, making a good point.

Sue sighed in frustration and panic. "Hiei, don't be such a fag - er, I mean, don't be an idiot! We promise, we won't tell anyone you're gay! We swear! Right Tsuki?" Tsuki popped her head up from behind Sue's shoulder, nodding it quickly, then ducking back behind her friend. Hiei kept slowly inching his way over, disregarding the frightened girl's attempted negotiations. He was probably ignoring her completely, what with his current state of mind and all.

"Must...kill...!" Yes, Hiei was gone. In his place was a serial murderer, the kind that calls you on dark, stormy nights, only to breathe heavily on the other end to make it creepy; the kind that will approach you slowly when he and you both know escape is out of the question. Those situations are scary, I'd advise all reading this to avoid them at all costs.

Unfortunately for Sue and Tsuki, they were in deep. They did the only thing that came to their mind, and some may find it strange not only how they thought it at the same time, but then how they did it at the same time.

"Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh!" they both let out ear piercing screams, the kind often heard in cheap horror movies where the main character obviously should be running, but is blonde and therefore has no inkling of anything2. But there was only one half blonde here, and this wasn't a cheap horror movie. Sue, Tsuki, and of course Hiei knew that running would be stupid because Hiei possess demonic speed and would catch up to them in an instant.

So, of course, nothing could save them.

Nothing...except for...

Footnotes:

1 This is not really what selective hearing means.

2 No offense to blondes - I'm one myself!