Title: In Truth

Rating: PG/PG-13

Summary: Companion to "In Dreams." Veronica. Duncan.

Disclaimer: I don't own anything.

07/10/05

The dreams won't stop. Sleep comes easier now. Sometimes--before she found out about what really happened--she scanned the faces of people as she walked by them in the halls, wondering what they knew…if they were responsible for a night she didn't remember and pain she couldn't turn off. Now that she knows she wasn't raped and there isn't someone out there with a deep dark secret, waiting for her to figure out the truth, Veronica can finally rest.

She's gotten a lot of sleep the last few days. Napping in the afternoon has become a habit. It's all purely for investigative purposes. The reporter in her needs to know the truth. At least that's what she tells herself when she settles down for the night. Lilly would have gotten a kick out of it. Veronica Mars: sex addict. And it's not even real sex; it's just dicey images about one night in her life that may or may not have happened the way she remembers in her dreams. There is only one other person that knows the truth… And he's not speaking to her.

It shouldn't surprise her. It's not like she's been making an effort, either.

But now that Logan's avoiding her calls, there is little to distract her. She has no other choice but to face this head on.

The day Veronica decides that she can't stand the strain anymore is the same day Duncan doesn't show up to school. Great.

She had another dream last night, more palpable than any of the others. When she woke up she could still feel Duncan's hands touching her, searing and strong, melting her skin against his palm; and his whispered words, comfortable against her ear, swaying her to some strange feeling that pulls inside her stomach, coiling tightly until it has no other option but to explode; and then it's like she's on fire, burning in places that make her feel alive when she's been so numb…

The house always seems bigger the longer she stays away, like some dark fortress built to keep people like her out. She can't say that she minds staying away. Everything about it reminds her of seeing Lilly's body in a pool of her own blood...and all the bad things that came after.

It's Duncan that answers the door, and for that she's grateful. Small talk with Celeste Kane isn't her ideal way to spend the afternoon.

Things are awkward already and neither one of them have even spoken yet. Veronica concentrates on a spot above Duncan's head, so she doesn't have to look him in the eye. She can't yet. She's spent the last year labeling him: ex-boyfriend, potential killer, rapist... And now, as her eyes shift and lock with his, she can't imagine how she thought such horrible things.

Duncan breaks the connection first. He concentrates on the ground, his hand still gripping the door handle.

It's up to Veronica to start the conversation, any conversation. "You weren't at school today."

"No, I wasn't." He's still not looking at her. Veronica thinks maybe it's better this way. Maybe if he stays mad, she won't have to say all the things she came here to say.

"So… So, how are things?"

"Well, I'm not a killer, so that's a relief," he answers, glibly.

"Duncan." It cuts. She can't pretend it doesn't. This is much harder than she thought it would be. A part of her thinks she deserves the hostility and the other part of her just wants to be forgiven.

"No, it's…fine. Things are okay."

She takes a deep breath; she needs it for the next question. It's a sore subject. "And your parents?"

"Our lawyer got them out on bail. It's a good thing we have so much money, huh?"

It hurts, but she's had longer than a year to learn how to compartmentalize. She lets it roll off her back. Duncan's not ready. She understands that. "Okay, I can see you don't want to talk, I'll just… I'll go."

"Don't," he says, and the word seems to echo. The sudden change in his mood has taken them both by surprise. Duncan finally looks at her. "I mean, you don't have to. I'm sorry, I--"

"Oh. No, don't even. I understand," she says and shifts her weight.

"Did you… Do you want to come in?" he says and moves away from the door, offering her entry.

Veronica peeks inside and shakes her head. "Maybe we should just stay out here."

"Yeah, okay."

Veronica drops her bag and sits down. She feels something strange happening inside her. A change she's not quite ready for. It isn't until Duncan sits down beside her, his knee just barely grazing hers, that she realizes she can't ask him about that night, that it won't change anything and that her dreams…or memories…or whatever they are, might not measure up to the truth. She wants to hold onto something. She wants to have a piece of Duncan that's entirely hers, not polished or fragmented by reality—just a piece of Duncan that she'll always keep for herself, flaws and all. Most importantly, she realizes they can't go back. There's too much hurt between them, too many accusations.

If she could turn back the clocks, make it so Lilly was still alive, she would do it in a heartbeat. But this year has been a learning experience. She's grown so much...too much to look back now. She realizes this as she looks at Duncan through a woman's eyes and remembers the girl she was. She'll always have that, those memories, but she can't go backward.

So instead, she leans forward and touches his face. He startles and it's easy to read the confusion in his eyes.

Veronica clears her throat. "What we had was real, wasn't it?"

Duncan nods, still a little lost. And she can feel her heart breaking at not recognizing how lost he's been for so long.

"I'll always remember it," she says. "You were my first." Veronica doesn't really know what she means by that. He was her first in so many ways: first love, first lover, first broken heart. So many things that no one else will ever be.

When Duncan tries to speak, Veronica silences him with her lips. She can feel the tears forming in her eyes for reasons she's not yet aware of. The kiss is so different than any they've ever shared. It's soft and tentative. It's goodbye.

She pulls back and gathers her bag, pulling it to her chest as she stands.

"Veronica. What…?"

"I have to go. I'm sorry, Duncan."

She doesn't look back. She has to stop doing that now. The future is forward…even if that future doesn't include Duncan.

Veronica understands that feeling now. She tastes it on her tongue, sour and sharp. It's the sting of first love dying.

-End-