When he came to, the Doctor and the Captain were smiling over him. He realized he was in sickbay on a bio bed. The shouting had stopped and the aliens were gone, he was OK. He smiled as he made a move to hop off the bed and his eyes fell on a tree in the middle of sickbay. The fear that crossed his face was fleeting, but it was not missed by both the Captain and the Doctor.

"I know you're still seeing things." The Doctor said in a gentle voice, and it was at the time that his panic was the greatest that he felt a strong arm on his shoulder.

"We've only given you a minimum dose of the drugs to suppress the hallucinations because you have a decision to make." Chakotay looked at the Doctor and Kathryn and she could see the dread crossing his face.

"Chakotay, I promised you that we would get through this, and we will." Kathryn took his hand and he drew courage from her in that simple touch.

The Doctor observed the behaviour of the two command officers and wondered. Was it really true? Were they intimately involved? The looks that were passing from the two of them were ones normally reserved for relationships where few words needed to be said, and the words that were said were cradled in love, used as healing balms in situations like this where the soul was most fragile, so it could be true.

The thoughts passed through his 'mind' for a fraction of a second. It did not interfere with what needed to be said as a physician.

"I've found a way to deactivate the gene, actually two ways. The first is what we're doing right now, and that is to treat the effects of the active gene with drugs. But the drugs are powerful ones and over time there will be side effects, mild but still there. The only way I can think to shut down the gene completely is to goad your body into shutting the gene down for itself. What I would do is increase the effect of the gene to a factor of two and the body over time will shut itself down."

My God, not again! This time he was able to contain the panic so that the other people in the room didn't see it. ….Well at least one other person didn't see it.

"Commander, I don't know if you remember, but I was there during the ordeal in Chaotic Space."

Chakotay nodded his head, he did remember.

"This will be the same as what you went through, but there will be no one shouting at your to be heard. It will be like a vision quest. But you will not be able to go where you want to, but you will be led. And the person leading you will be you, but what part I don't know. Because there is such an….emotional resonance….for you on this issue, I think it will be your fear that will be coming out."

Kathryn held his hand a little tighter as she read the expression on his face.

"How long will this take?"

"It should take about three days for the gene to completely shut itself off naturally. I should also tell you that sedation will prolong the treatment and a high enough dose will be as effective as the first treatment that I've suggested."

"I had suggested to the Captain, that we confine you here in sickbay while this is going on, if you chose that treatment, but I think that it may be best that you return to your quarters as you will have a lot more privacy there. Also Captain," Kathryn looked at the doctor questioningly.

"I will be able to monitor Chakotay from here, but I don't think that's a good idea to leave him alone for the next few days. I suggest a vigil, just as you did with me when I was going through my dark night of the soul…" The Doctor looked please with his analogy, but Chakotay knew that he didn't go through just a dark night of the soul, now he was being asked to go through hell itself.

"However" He cautioned. "Make sure that you trust this person, these people absolutely because you will have no control over what is coming out of you."

Chakotay smiled, but it was pained. Having no control seemed to be his lot in life these days.

"I can do it alone. All you have to do, Captain, is seal me in my quarters and remove the furniture. Oh, and you may want to clear the deck of personnel for the next couple of days." He forced himself to make like of the situation.

Kathryn was not having any of it.

"Doctor, will you excuse us for a minute."

"Of course." And with that he was gone.

Chakotay was sitting on the bio-bed with his feet dangling on the side and he looked tired and lost. Kathryn sat on the bed next to him and touched him on his leg. He didn't look at her as he said.

"So I go through it again."

"The doctor said the sooner we start the second treatment the shorter and more effective it will be. But you have a small window in which to make up your mind. After 24 hours you will only have the first treatment available to you."

Kathryn's voice was gentle and she studied Chakotay as she was talking to him. He still didn't look at her. Kathryn removed her hand, but leaned so that she could touch his whole side with her body. She didn't miss that he leaned a little into her when she did.

"What I want you to know is that I will respect whatever choice you make and I urge you to take some time to think about it. If you chose the second option and you want to go through this locked in your quarters, I will not stop you. But I ask you not to make the decision because you're afraid of what your friends will see when you lose control. I think that there are people on this ship that you can chose in complete faith and trust to be with you and not worry about any repercussions. I urge you, as you have urged me many times, not to go through this alone."

Chakotay slowly raised his head to meet her gaze. Her eyes were full. "You and Tuvok have been the people at my side at whatever time I needed it. For you and I, it has always been a question of trust. We have worked very hard at rebuilding it and I would like to think that it's strong enough to handle what you will be going through. I would like to try, to give back a little of what you've given to me, if you will let me. If not, as you have done before I will honour and support your decision to go it alone. And I will be with you in anyway that you ask, and in any way that I can."

This time it was Chakotay who touched her cheek….briefly. His face clouded over after that. Kathryn knew that he had a tough decision to make and she left him alone to make it.

His hand worked the consul in a measured pace. He remembered and he knew what he had to do.

Come with me to where my spirit lives

Grandfather!

The voices were calling to him.

"Chakotay, are you alright?" The worry in B'Elanna's eyes touched him.

In his mind he still had concerns about asking her, but B'Elanna had offered to be there time and time again for him and he had let her in only on the peripheral of what was happening at the time. It was true that she was now in love with Tom and she probably didn't notice his shutting her out as much as she once did, but what they had been through in the Maquis and then on Voyager as Senior Officers would bond them for the rest of their lives. He knew he was going to test those bonds of friendship now and he probably shouldn't do that with a member of his staff, but in these times they were more than that, they were family. And he needed his family around him now, desperately.

"I will be, thanks for asking. Can you spare a minute?"

"Of course I'm on my way."

"B'E…." It was too late, she had already closed the com link. He was going to tell her when she could break away within the next hour, but she had other plans.

Within the next minute B'Elanna walked into sickbay.

"What is it?"

B'Elanna looked so concerned about him that he guessed he must have conveyed the personal nature of his request in his summons.

"I have a favour to ask……I need help." Chakotay kept his eye on B'Elanna though he found it hard to do so.

"Chakotay, what is it?" B'Elanna had squared her shoulders as if she was prepared to go into battle with him.

"The doctor has found away to turn off my genetic marker as it were, but it will involve me being crazy for a couple of days until my body can regulate itself, and I'm going to need a babysitter……someone who I can trust to look after me, someone who can keep me in line when the going gets rough. Know anyone good for the job?" His face was deadpan as he asked, but B'Elanna recognized the twinkle in his yes

"I know someone who is perfect!" Was B'Elanna smacking her lips? But this was not just all fun and games.

"There's something I want to warn you about. During this time, I'll be experiencing hallucinations and possibly saying non-sense or saying things that are hard to hear. I might be even saying things about you and I and what we've been through. I don't know and I probably won't be able to control it. You must know that I am planning to ask the Captain to share this with you. She had volunteered and I think she believes that she can do it on her own, but she may be needed or called away and I want her to get some rest during the upcoming days. I also want you to know that it may be possible that I will say some things about you while I'm out of it and the Captain will know."

B'Elanna hesitated for a minute, but she answered, "It's not a problem Chakotay." There was a look of resolve on her face.

"Can't wait to find out all my secrets huh?" He decided the break the tension a little with a joke. B'Elanna smiled a little and then said in a serious voice.

"Can't wait to be as good a friend to you as you've been to me." B'Elanna looked at him shyly and her eyes were full. Chakotay couldn't get over in that instant how much she had changed in this crazy journey to the other side of the galaxy.

She walked up to him and gave him a fierce hug, and from her body language response, she seemed surprised when he hugged her back. Without a word she turned to leave sickbay.

"B'Elanna," She turned back to face him. "You've always been a good friend to me." The smile she gave before leaving warmed his heart.

"Commander you called for me." The title she used to address him almost seemed inappropriate for what he was about to ask, but the voice by which she acknowledged him, let him know that she was ready for what he had called her to Sickbay to tell her. He realized that it didn't matter if he used Kathryn or Captain, the person was the same. Whether she was here in her official capacity as captain or best friend, she was still Kathryn. Whether he responded to her as Commander or Chakotay, finally he was one and the same.

Kathryn stood in front of him in the empty sickbay. He looked at her straight in the eye and damned himself.

"I don't want to go through this alone."

Kathryn smiled. It was warm and it was shy. "You won't be"

Then he descended into hell.

He recognized the forest, in fact he had just been here recently…..when was it?...he couldn't remember but something important had happened here. He was supposed to do something important……

Grandfather.

He saw the older man coming towards him his face alight.

You have come Chakotay,

Where

To where your spirit lives.

My spirit doesn't live here, this is the forest behind our house.

No it isn't. Does the forest contain this?

His grandfather gestured towards the biggest waterfall that Chakotay ever saw. He knew it hadn't been there when he entered the forest. And it made no noise.

Come Chakotay, let's swim.

No! That's not really there, I'm hallucinating.

Big words for a boy of six, it's real to you and that's all that's important.

Come on.

"What do you see?"

Suddenly Chakotay was older, at least he was an older version of himself watching his grandfather lead his younger self to a waterfall. All of a sudden instead of being part of the action, he was a spectator, sitting on a tree stump, watching. He wasn't alone. Grandmother was sitting with him. But she was wearing funny clothing, something in red and black.

I see myself playing in a waterfall that isn't there. I'm naked playing in a puddle with my grandfather.

Grandmother had this funny look on her face and began smiling,

It's not funny

"No it isn't." Grandmother hastened to add

Is this what I'm going to be like when I lose my mind? How could you have let this happen? You should have forced him to take the medicine.

"It's his choice Chakotay, his life. This is the way he chooses to honour the wound"

It's the wrong choice!

"How can you say that, it's not your life. What harm is he doing? You are having fun with him aren't you?"

Yes, but that's beside the point, I'm not having fun with him in a puddle, I'm having fun with him in a waterfall. I'm hallucinating too.

Grandmother watched him with a sympathetic look on her face.

He jumped off the stump, and shouted at his grandmother

That's why you should have made him do it, for me. I have the family curse too. Now I have to look after him, look at him as he becomes what I'm destined to become. A crazy old man!

"No! That's not what you will become" Grandmother stood up also and was holding him by the arms as she had done before? He couldn't remember, but it felt so familiar so comforting. It was as if she were grounding him. But the fact that he couldn't remember when she had done this last angered him and he continued shouting at her.

It is what I am now, isn't it?

I swore that I would never become like this, never allow it. No drugs unless prescribed under controlled conditions. No alcohol to excess and no losing myself in another person. I was so careful, how did it come on? What did I do wrong? Grandmother help me.

He was practically screaming.

Grandmother put her arms around him and led him back to the trunk.

"Sit Chakotay, I'll tell you what, why don't you stop watching your grandfather for a while and let's do something you want to do."

Can we go to the carnival?

His face brightened with the prospect. As much as he enjoyed playing with Grandfather, he had been begging to go to the carnival for a week now, and his mother had promised that if he was good with Grandfather for the next week he would get to go.

"Of course, what carnival is in town?"

She knew what carnival was in town, but perhaps if he answered correctly……

Emps Grand Fete

She should have known, that was one of the better travelling carnivals when she was a child.

"Tell you what, watch Grandfather for a little while longer and let me go and arrange it with your father."

OK.

"How is he doing?" B'Elanna asked the Captain.

They were sitting in the big top of the carnival watching the show and watching Chakotay with his eyes aglow enjoying the clowns and clapping to show his amusement, gasping when trapeze artists did their stunts and stuffing his face with popcorn, just as any kid would do.

The Captain, B'Elanna noted, looked weary.

"He's fine. I'm the one who feels she could sleep for days."

"Anything I should know?"

"The doctor will be coming in to check him every four hours and other than that, use your imagination."

A look of doubt passed B'Elanna's face and the Captain noticed it.

"B'Elanna, just be with him. At first I tried to convince him that the hallucinations weren't real, but they were too strong and we ended up in a shouting match. Then I found out if I just became part of it, they came and went away on their own. He's in childhood right now, and because of the strain that his body is under he reads that as bed time and nap time. Let him sleep, it's not necessary he stays awake."

"Maybe I should have told him no. I didn't have a very good childhood, I don't know if I can become a part of his hallucination and I don't want to upset him any more than he is right now."

"B'Elanna," Kathryn patted her on her leg, "Chakotay asked you knowing that this was how he was going to be. He did it because he trusts you, implicitly. Take a cue from him and trust yourself. Besides, you're most likely going to be a parent in his hallucination, so you don't have to worry."

Kathryn got up and yawned. "Now I'm off to bed"

Come on the swings with me

"But I'm too old for that"

No you're not; you're six years old just like me. Come on

He began dragging her to them. With a sigh B'Elanna let go and sent up a prayer to Chakotay's Spirits that she do this right, and she abandoned herself to what was happening to him…….and to her.

It happened slowly as she was still clinging to her reality, but with the laughter and the joy that she was seeing on his face, she felt herself letting go and being caught up in his hallucinations. They played on the swings, climbed the playhouse, went down the slides and rode the see-saws. B'Elanna couldn't remember when she had ever been to a carnival and had such a good time before.

They even played tag. During the game she noticed that Chakotay was watching her forehead intently.

"What is it?" She said, laughing

Your head looks like a turtle. Turtle head! Turtle head!

Chakotay ran from her laughing.

B'Elanna's anger exploded and she ran up and pushed him, hard.

Chakotay the man may have been able to see what was coming and fend off the blow, but Chakotay the child had no clue how to that, and because he thought he was much shorter than he was, he stumbled and fell.

"Oww!"

"Chakotay! Chakotay, I'm sorry." B'Elanna was mentally hitting herself. She had just gotten so angry by that remark and the memories that it brought back to her that she had just lashed out. Chakotay had no idea what he was saying. In his hallucination, he was a child and he was acting as a child would.

And, in fact, so was she.

She rushed up to him; he was on the ground cradling his knee.

"Are you hurt?"

"Yes"

"I'm sorry let me see." B'Elanna rolled up his pant leg and examined the wound

Helena was crying.

Why are you crying?

"Because I hurt you, I pushed you and made you fall"

Are you sorry?

"Yes"

Then I forgive you.

"Just like that"

My father says that once someone is sorry for what they have done you should forgive them. Don't you do that?

"I try, but sometimes it's hard."

Chakotay is right, you should learn to forgive yourself a little more

"What!" Slowly realization dawned on B'Elanna. Chakotay had changed roles in the middle of his hallucination. "Who are you?"

I am Kolopec, Chakotay's father. You should listen to my son. Trust the people around you a little more, they are able to deal with your anger and forgive you through it.

B'Elanna just stared at him dumbfounded.

Chakotay smiled as he always did.

Go, on join him….he's a lot tougher than you think

Suddenly he was pulling on her uniform,

Come on race you…..

He went off running with the wind. B'Elanna joined him.