This chapter was originally the second one, and I almost completely deleted it because it seemed so completely out of sync with the rest of the story. But hey, it's supposed to be that way, and after several edits, it remains insane but I hope in a good way. I haven't had as much time as I had in the past to write more fic, but who knows...I may yet write a sequel to this series. Enjoy. (And remember, this was first written post-R&R and before season five's premiere.)
"Flirt with Disaster" by Romantique
The characters, quoted dialogue, locations, etc. are the creation/property of Amy Sherman-Palladino et al, as well as the property of the WB...the following work is my homage to the brilliance of the former and the faith of the latter in the former.
Chapter 4 – Hello Hell
Lorelai opened her eyes and found herself sitting on a chair on the porch of the Dragonfly Inn.
She then saw Luke walking toward her. "Hello, sleepy eyes." He sat in a chair next to hers.
"Luke, how long have I been sleeping here?"
"Not long. I just figured you could use a break." Luke stood up and helped pull her to her feet. "Come on, you're probably just a little delirious from the heat and lack of sleep."
When Lorelai got up, Luke's arms immediately went around her waist. I guess he's not wasting any time, huh? "Uh, Luke?"
"You do realize this is the first moment we've had alone together in a long time?" Luke's voice was a whisper. His face was close to hers.
"Look, I'm sorry I haven't had a chance to talk to you since…" said Lorelai, feeling very disoriented. "…I –" Lorelai was distracted by Luke leaning toward her, but before his lips touched hers, Lorelai pulled away.
"What's wrong? Is everything okay?" Luke's concerned eyes searched hers.
"Yeah, Mom, what is your problem? Kiss him again already!" A familiar voice sounded from the driveway.
"Rory?" Lorelai turned around to find Rory standing there, dressed in her old Chilton uniform. "What are you doing here dressed like that?"
"Did I miss anything?" Paris, also in a Chilton uniform, came up to Rory eating an ice cream cone, handing an extra one to Rory.
"No…they're just getting to the good part. Mmm, brownie batter flavor…thanks!" As Lorelai stared at Rory and Paris, they suddenly turned into Cletus and Desdemona, and they galloped away.
"Luke…d-did you see that?" Lorelai turned to Luke, who was still holding her close.
"Yeah, that was a nice one." She saw him looking upwards as a golden stream of fireworks lit up the sky. He looked down at her and smiled.
She realized that she had never stood this close to Luke before…at least, not like this. "You know, I never noticed before how long your eyelashes are." She smiled, as she reached up to stroke his stubbly chin. "I'm sorry it took me so long…"
"We've already been through this. Stop apologizing already." Luke bent down to kiss her again, and before she knew what was happening, she heard fireworks go off followed by a large roar of applause. Lorelai was thinking that this had to be the most explosive kiss she'd ever had. And suddenly, they were no longer in front of the Dragonfly, but in the town gazebo, surrounded by everyone in Stars Hollow.
"Uh, Luke, how did – what happened?" Lorelai looked around them, and the decorations on the street lamps told her it was the Fourth of July. Oh, so those were real fireworks…
But before Luke could answer, Babette came over and offered her congratulations. "Oh, I'm so happy for you two. I always knew it'd work out. Just look at ya! You're glowing!"
"Uh…" Before Lorelai could respond, Rory approached them with a baby on each arm. "Hey there," said Rory. "Hope you didn't forget all about these boys."
Lorelai's jaw dropped as she stared at Luke. Luke laughed at her, and took one of the babies and put him in Lorelai's arms. He then took the other baby. Lorelai stared at Luke making faces at the baby, making him giggle. Huh? Who are you? You couldn't possibly be Luke Danes.
The baby in Lorelai's arms started to tug on her hair. "Well, hello," she said to the baby, whose blue eyes fascinated her. Suddenly, the baby gurgled happily at her. What is going on? she wondered. This baby…is it…
Rory smiled at Lorelai, as she put her pinky finger in the baby's fist, and followed the baby's gaze over Lorelai's shoulder. "How cute, Mom! It looks like he recognizes Grandma now…"
"Grandma? Rory, what haven't you told me?" Oh my God...Rory had twins?
Rory looked at her like she was crazy, but in an affectionate way, like it was something not unexpected. "Mom, are you okay?"
"Ooh, Lorelai, let me hold him!" Lorelai turned around to see Emily Gilmore approaching with a huge smile, followed very closely by Richard, looking completely unlike himself with a goofy grin fixed on the babies. I'm not sure if I should be more surprised by the fact that they're smiling, or that they're here, together, in Stars Hollow…
Luke snuck up behind Lorelai and tickled her stomach, causing her to yelp. "Hey, watch it!" She turned around to see Luke still holding one of the babies.
"Okay, now you have to tell me what's wrong. Because something is wrong."
"N-nothing's wrong, Luke! You just scared me, that's all!" Lorelai actually wanted to say, Yeah, something is wrong with me. Why do I feel like a huge chunk of my memory is missing? Why don't I understand what's going on? But somehow, she didn't feel like spilling her guts and seeing Luke stare at her like she'd lost her mind. She looked at the baby in his arms, and back up at his face.
Luke pulled her closer, looking into her eyes. His expression said, "Come on, spit it out, Lorelai."
"It – it's just that…seeing my parents like this. Kind of weird, you know?" Lorelai didn't know what else to say and wondered if Luke would buy this excuse.
Luke's eyes crinkled up into a smile. "You're going to have to get used to it. I'm afraid our boys are going to be spoiled rotten." She watched as Luke handed the baby to an eager Richard.
Our boys…oh boy…Lorelai Gilmore, you have officially lost your mind. While Lorelai continued to try and wrap her head around the situation, Rory walked up to her. "Mom, could I talk to you alone for a sec? Sorry, Luke, this is girl talk."
"Enough said." Luke walked away to join the Gilmores and the twins.
"What is it, hon?" Lorelai and Rory sat on a nearby bench.
"Remember when I told you I had some big news?" Rory blushed, and Lorelai could detect some serious smirking going on beneath the strained composure she was trying to hold on to as she spoke.
"Uh, yeah, Rory, sure. Tell me what it is." Damn, that was so unconvincing.
Rory looked at her skeptically. "What's wrong? Grandma and I agreed that you don't seem like yourself right now."
"Listen to what you just said right now…you and Grandma agreed. There's all sorts of wrong there."
Rory laughed. "Oh that. Mom, I thought you were so over the whole Me Against My Parents thing. Remember what you said? That you couldn't believe that everything in your life was finally falling into place?"
"Okay…" said Lorelai, hesitant.
"I'm getting married." Rory practically squealed. "As soon as Dean's divorce is finalized, we're going to start making plans."
Dean! "Whoa, back up here a second…" Lorelai put her hand to her forehead. Maybe I'm just delirious…do I have a fever?
"Lorelai Victoria Gilmore, what is going on?" boomed Richard's voice.
"Dad, we're kind of in the middle of something…" Lorelai looked behind Richard and saw Max Medina holding one of the boys. "Max? What is he doing here?"
"That's exactly what I'd like to know. He's saying that you promised to give him one of your sons."
"Why so surprised, Lorelai?" asked Max. "Didn't you agree that the exchange would take place on July 4th?"
"Exchange!"
Luke walked over to Lorelai, looking angrier than she had ever seen him. "I…don't…believe this…I…"
"Luke, I don't know what's going on."
"Don't play dumb with us, Lorelai," said a familiar voice behind her.
"Jason?" Lorelai turned around to see Jason Stiles. What is this, a convention of exes? "Oh no, you're not here too. What are you doing here?"
"Again with the playing dumb. Not funny. I'm here for the same reason Max is here. To collect our pounds of flesh, if I might interject some Shakespeare to the occasion."
Babette, dressed in a yellow terry robe, appeared at Lorelai's side. "Sugar, didn't I tell you? You shouldn't have agreed to that deal."
"What deal? I don't remember this deal. In fact, I don't remember…"
"Hush, dear. Listen to me." Miss Patty appeared in a scarlet red terry robe, as she pushed Babette aside and whispered into Lorelai's ear. "Don't you see? Now you have what you've always wanted. True love."
Lorelai was startled. "What are you talking about?"
"You said that you would give anything to find true love. Did you really think you could have it all? The whole package? Without paying some price?"
At this, Emily began to laugh. Patty then joined her.
"Excuse me, but I don't think this is funny. Is this some sort of joke?" asked Lorelai.
Neither Patty nor Emily could speak, as they convulsed with laughter. Everyone started to gather behind them, looking at Lorelai expectantly.
"Hey, am I late?" Christopher walked up to the crowd with Sherry and their daughter Georgia, who could walk on her own. Oh hell no…this has gone too far.
"No, Chris," replied Jason. "You're right on time. It's time for the Exchange."
Exchange! She stared at Christopher and then at the babies, who were now in the arms of Max and Jason.
"This is insane…this is like…like Rumplestilskin! Rumplestilskin! There, shouldn't that break the deal?"
"Very funny, Lorelai. But no, this is no fairy tale. You signed in blood…" Christopher handed Lorelai a parchment scroll written in Latin. But she found her signature there, in dark red, on the bottom of the page. "I only hope he's worth it…"
"Who? Please explain what this is all about, I beg you."
Christopher put on a black hood and murmured an incantation in some unknown language, as the twins cried and waved their fists. "It is accomplished!" they all yelled. Everything began to swirl, and then they all disappeared.
Lorelai suddenly found herself on the gazebo with Luke, watching the Fourth of July festivities, just as she had been before Rory walked over with the twins. But there was no Rory, and no twins.
"Luke, where is everyone? What is going on?"
Luke laughed. "What's wrong with you? You're surrounded by all of Stars Hollow. It's the Fourth of July."
"The Exchange…the baby swap…wait, you saw all this, didn't you?"
He looked at her like she was crazy. "What are you talking about?" An explosion went off in the distance. "Hey look, they're starting the fireworks."
"Luke, listen to me. Max and Jason took our babies…and Chris has something to do with it."
"Babies? Chris?" Luke looked at her with an expression of puzzlement and concern. "You know, I think this heat is getting to you. Do you want something to drink?"
Yeah, how about a few shots of vodka? "No, I do not want anything to drink. I just want you to listen to me. Hey, where are you going?" Luke walked away.
"Luke! Don't leave me alone…I don't know what is going on. Luke! Luke!"
"Lorelai? Hey, it's okay, it's just a dream." Lorelai opened her eyes, and this time she found herself in lying on a bed at the Dragonfly…with Luke, who was holding her shoulders as he tried to wake her gently.
Lorelai sat up in the bed, pushed herself away from him and stared. "Luke?"
No Fourth of July, no twins, no exes. It wasn't real? But wait, what are we doing here in bed together?
"Wait, am I still dreaming?"
Luke laughed. "Do you want me to pinch you?"
"Uh…" Lorelai saw the mischief in his eyes and knew she was actually awake. "That won't be necessary. How did we end up here?"
"I guess we just felt asleep talking." Luke shrugged his shoulders.
She looked all around before her eyes filled with tears. "Oh Luke, thank God," she exclaimed. She embraced him, almost knocking him off the bed.
"I don't know if I should be insulted by that response or not." Lorelai pulled away slightly to look at Luke, and she saw a twinkle of mischief in his eyes. They burst into laughter at the same time.
"That must have been some dream. Are you okay?" asked Luke, looking concerned as Lorelai's face grew serious again.
"What year is it?" Lorelai wanted to double check that she was no longer dreaming.
Luke looked at her in surprise. "2004. Why are you asking?"
Lorelai sighed with relief. "2004. Good. And it's still April?"
"Yes. Well, it's almost May." Luke tried to suppress the urge to laugh, but a chuckle still came out.
Lorelai looked at him with mock-indignation. "Oh, you may laugh at me, Luke, but this dream…oh God, it seemed so real, and yet…" She paused and looked up at him.
Luke looked self-conscious under her scrutinizing gaze. "Hey, don't get me confused with the Luke in your dream. Whatever I did…it wasn't me."
"No, wait. That's just it. Everyone was acting so weird, so out of character…everyone except you. You were the most normal of anybody…most of the time." Except maybe when you were making faces at the babies. "Even me…I was a complete idiot…and still, you were by my side. You were still you."
"It's nice to know I'm consistent, even in other people's heads." Luke smiled, as they sat side by side on the bed. "So…you want to talk about it?"
Lorelai laughed and blushed some more.
Luke put a hand on her shoulder. "If you don't feel comfortable talking about it, it's okay."
"No, it's not that. It's just…it's so embarrassing. I think I need to time to process it for myself before I share it with anybody." Also, I have a feeling you'll never look at me the same way if I do tell you…I don't want to mess this up.