The Outing

Summary: Kirk's on an ego-trip to collect all six Original Series films on DVD from Swindon…and the Original Series Television Box sets, if he can manage it.

Author's Note: After his disappearance following the episode "The Conscience of the King", Riley's back in the world. He's joint navigator with Chekov, rather than that other unnamed guy who seems to crop up from time-to-time.

Another Author's Note: The Brunnel Centre is a large shopping centre/mall in the centre of Swindon, a largish town in the middle of Wiltshire, which is in England.

Disclaimer: I do not own Paramount, Swindon, the Brunnel Centre, or any of the characters in Star Trek. Wish I did, though.

'What a fascinating place.' Spock peered around the Brunnel Centre with eyes that would have been curious had his feelings given a damn, then down at the cup of "decaffeinated mocha-latte" he held in his hand. He was suspiciously aware that the drink looked more like the sludge pits on Vulcan, but decided not to comment to the waitress, who was looking progressively more and more irate as the seconds of the day ticked by. He was dressed in a thick white jumper, jeans and trainers, as were all of the other male TOS-characters who had decided to come along on the insane quest for Star Trek DVDs. The females wore jeans and GAP tee-shirts, much to the men's joint disappointment.

Spock had protested they go at all – the assignment simply didn't make sense. They had travelled back in time (using the old sling-shot-around-the-sun trick) to travel back to Earth in 2005 to purchase all six Original Series DVDs from HMV, Virgin or similar. (And the Television Box-sets too, if Kirk could manage it). This was illogical for the following reasons:

1. The events in said movies had not happened yet, and

2. The voyage of the Starship Enterprise was nothing to do with television series and films.

Basically, it just didn't make sense.

McCoy grunted. 'If you ask me, it is a most fascinating place.' He agreed, watching a girl clad entirely in denim and chains wander past a magnet shop and become stuck to the window. 'However, I don't think it is for the sake of not agreeing with you.'

Spock arched a brow. 'That is most illogical.'

'So is that drink, but you're still drinking it.'

'I fail to see how a drink can be illogical.'

Scotty broke in. 'I fail to see where this conversation is goin',' Said he, 'So I think ye should give it up.'

'Besides,' Said Chekov defensively, 'Decaffeinated mocha-lattes vere a Russian inwention, so they cannot be illogical.'

'Oh, don't get him started again.' Pleaded Sulu. 'We've already heard about buses, roads, Brunnel Centres and oxygen particles.'

Uhura decided to divert the conversation elsewhere. 'Where is the Captain?' She moaned, tapping her false nails on the table and denting the surface. 'He said he'd only be gone a minute or so. And he's been gone for half an hour.'

'Thirty-seven minutes and twenty-three seconds.' Spock corrected absently.

Uhura waved an impatient hand at him. 'Whatever. The point is that he's missing. Do you think he could have been abducted?'

McCoy considered the feasibility of the idea. '...No.' He said eventually, shaking his head. 'He isn't wearing his tearable uniform, and therefore has no motivation to be abducted.'

'That is most -' Spock began.

'- Illogical.' Everyone else finished.

'God, are we so bored that we're finishing each other's lines?' Complained Nurse Chapel.

'Obviously.' Replied Riley despondently. 'Maybe we should go and look for the Captain.'

'Good idea!' Uhura jumped to her feet, trainers squeaking on the polished floor, and pointed towards the entrance to the Brunnel Centre. 'I'll bet he's just lost. He hasn't got us to guide him. We should go and check out outside.'

'But what if the Captain comes back here?' Asked Sulu.

'Good point.' Uhura frowned. 'Riiiiiiiight, I got it. Nurse Chapel and I will go and check outside. Riley and Chekov will go and check all of the shops in the centre. Sulu and Scotty can check all of the rest-room facilities. Spock and McCoy can stay here.' She sighed theatrically. 'It will be a long and dangerous quest,' She declared, pointing one finger towards the sky. 'We are endangered by the local population to the frequency of the fact that they know more about Swinetown than we do -'

'It's Swindon.' Corrected Scotty. Uhura scowled at him until he got the point, then continued, unabashed.

'- Swindon than we do, and the fact that the Redshirt budget was way down this year after "Obsession". We must be careful and rely on the more...beaten-up characters,' She glanced at Chekov and he winced, 'To protect us! Now, gentlemen, forwards and ever-upwards to find our loyal Captain!'

If she had been on stage, it would have been quite a performance. However, she wasn't, and she got a few strange looks from passers-by and a few strange stares from the characters around her.

There was a pause.

'Question,' Said Sulu. 'Since when have you been the ranking officer here?'

'Since the Author decided so.' Uhura waved her hand at him impatiently.

'The who?' Asked McCoy.

'No, not The Who, the Author. The all-mighty and powerful one.'

'Jim's writing this fan fiction?' Wondered McCoy aloud. Suddenly, from seemingly nowhere, a voice boomed from the ceiling. Only the Star Trek characters noticed.

'Ixnay on the fan-fictionsnay.' It commanded mightily. Spock arched his other brow at the ceiling and simultaneously lost both eyebrows.

'Fascinating.'

McCoy, meanwhile, was looking around like an idiot. 'Fan fiction?' He asked wildly, 'What fan fiction? Did I say fan fiction?'

'Yes.' Chekov replied bluntly. 'But it does not seem to matter.'

'Right.' Agreed Uhura. 'Let's get to it!'

'To what?' Asked Sulu. 'I'm confused.'

'You often are.' Retorted Riley. 'We're off to find the Captain.'

'Or the Wizard of Oz, whichever is easier to find.' Uhura shrugged, then pulled Chapel to her feet and linked arms with her, Dorothy-style. 'Adieu, gentlemen. May we meet again...here...at twelve-thirty. Those who do not make it back in time...we salute you!'

As she ran off with Chapel, Riley turned to McCoy. 'When was the last time you gave her a mental evaluation?'

McCoy thought for a moment. 'Now that you mention it...' He said slowly, '...Never. Women don't get mental evaluations because of various circumstances relating to PMS, Kirk-Related-Violence or Kirk-Related-Love-Syndrome, and the fact that women are the more ill-fated characters in the series.'

Chekov eyed the bruises on his arm. 'Speak for yourself.' He muttered.

Riley sighed and dug his hands into his pockets. 'Oh well.' He said, watching Uhura and Chapel disappear outside through the throng of Saturday shoppers. 'I guess we'd better get to it.'

'Right.' Agreed Chekov, also getting to his feet, and looking longingly towards the snack bar. Riley grabbed his arm and started pulling him the other way, towards an Early-Learning-Centre.

Spock, McCoy, Scotty and Sulu watched them go, then Sulu looked at Spock. 'We bought along a tricorder, didn't we?'

'Yes, lieutenant.' Spock pulled it out and a Rastafarian behind him commented on the "bigness" of his mobile phone. 'And it can pick up the Captain's testosterone from ten thousand feet.' He switched in on and it emitted a series of beeps. 'According to these readings, the Captain is in a massage-parlour at the eastern end of the Brunnel.'

Sulu's eyes lit up. 'Let's go and get him then!' He cried, setting off at a running pace for the west. McCoy hmmed.

'No wonder Sulu was never made navigator.' He commented. 'Come on Spock, Scotty. Let's go.'

And so the valiant search for the "missing" Kirk began.

So, there you go! Tune in next week (or whenever) for Chapter Two.